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Four Tips For a Parent Friendly Seder

April 23, 2016 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

Passover is for the kids, right? Passover IS for the kids, isn’t it? My kids are teenagers, which means that they can shift from the Wise to the Wicked to the Simple to the oblivious child without notice. In fact, sometimes they can play more then one role at any given time. But I remember what it was like when they were younger. It can be a slog. Don’t get me started on the year when we hosted a Seder for ten. Four were under six, and my cousin and I were the only Jews. I was the Wicked Child before that night was over. All of this can be avoided if you use some Mussar wisdom to create a parent friendly seder.

Tip 1: Remember that Passover is for everyone, and act accordingly

As parents, we fall into the trap of making everything about the kids. Were we liberated from slavery in Egypt only to fall into bondage to our own children? One way to have a parent friendly Seder is to find something special for yourself. Put all the kids together at one end of the table, and all the adults at the other to experience some adult time. Or, if you are having a smallish Seder with family members, find a way to Honor your parents or elders. Your kids will be watching how you treat them. Dedicate one of the glasses of wine to your parents, and remember departed relatives who you love. This will help you feel a connection to your own past, which is both comforting and nurturing.

Tip 2: Eat early and often

I’ll put it out there. I am one of those hungry guys who doesn’t do well waiting for food. My father always told me that I had to wait to eat until we got through the Seder. I didn’t like it. Jews love food, but also practice food discipline. Keeping Kosher means many things to many people. To me it is about being mindful of what you put in your body. Mussar is about mindfully living your life. Because Passover is a time of joy, don’t sit there miserable and hungry, counting the pages until you get to the Hillel sandwich. Mindfully nibble on Matzah, and be sure to have a snack 30 minutes before the Seder begins.

Tip 3: Sing Dayenu with gusto

I am not a Dayenu fan. When I was a kid I wasn’t a fan. If you watch the beginning of this Maccabeats video, you’ll see what it was like for me to sing Dayenu. The kids are falling asleep, and the parents are trying to put a good face on it. Yet as the video goes on, this amazing a cappella group does each verse of the song in a radically different music style. The costumes and locations change to match. The message – Dayenu is whatever we make of it. The Soul Trait of Enthusiasm teaches that we should go about life with energy and focus. There is no point just phoning it in – it is a wasted opportunity to live life to the fullest.

Rabbi Nachman of Breslov said “Get into the habit of singing a tune. It will give you new life and fill you with joy.” Many people feel self conscious about their singing. (Have you ever noticed that this has little to do with how good a voice people have? Some people with terrible voices love to sing out loud, while unrequited opera singers are self conscious). If you have a terrible voice, think of the stories your kids can tell. “My mom has a terrible voice. But every Seder, she sang Dayenu at the top of her lungs.”

And why Dayenu? It is about the soul trait of Gratitude. You may be unsure of the Divinity, and not have any idea what Mana in the desert is all about. However, we all have many wonderful things in our lives that we take for granted. Friends, family, our own bed to sleep in, clean air to breathe. Just once a year, sing Gratitude at the top of your lungs.

Tip 4: Try one parent friendly seder tip that makes you uncomfortable

What do you think if these tips? One or more may put you out of your comfort zone. If that is the case, give it a try anyway. Passover is about spiritual liberation. It wasn’t easy for our ancestors to just pack up and cross the desert. To grow we need to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Let the joy of the Seder carry you just a bit farther than you would normally go.

You just might find yourself a step closer to the Promised Land.

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The Connection Between Prince and Passover You Won’t Believe

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The Connection Between Prince and Passover You Won’t Believe

April 22, 2016 By Greg Marcus 1 Comment

Prince’s death on the eve of Passover has touched a spiritual nerve for me. It took me a while to understand why a felt a connection between Prince and Passover. Then the phrase came to me: Prince was never a slave in Egypt. Let me give you some context.

The Torah refers to Egypt as “the narrow place.” It was a stage in the history of our people when our spirits were oppressed and confined by slavery. Spiritual oppression is severe – it saps the mind of will and the body of strength. We were limited in our choices, and did not feel empowered even to try. The “narrow place” transforms a story of physical freedom into a story of spiritual liberation.

In listening to the story of Prince, I heard a story of the fight for freedom. Remember when Prince changed his name to an unpronounceable symbol? It turns out he did that because he felt oppressed by a recording contract. Warner, which owned the rights to his music, only wanted one album a year. Prince wanted the business to serve his music, not his music to dance to the tune of the business. Unable to get out of his contract Prince changed his name in protest. He even wrote “slave” on his face. (See it here).

For Prince, changing his name, and cranking out a flood of albums to fulfill the contract was liberation, was an escape from his narrow place. If the company owns the name Prince, I’ll change my name so they don’t own me. Rabbi Nachman of Breslov taught that “the Exodus from Egypt occurs in every human being, in every era, in every year, and in every day.” Prince intuitively seemed to understand this. You are either growing and setting yourself free from what is holding you back, or you are still stuck in Egypt, in that narrow place. The connection between Prince and Passover is the story of spiritual liberation.

President Obama reminded us yesterday that Prince once said “A strong spirit transcends rules,” and went on to say that nobody’s spirit was stronger, bolder, or more creative.” Sounds like a freedom we all can aspire to.

Good night sweet Prince.

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Image by Jimi Hughes from Ballymena, Northern Ireland via Wikimedia Commons

The One Thing You Should Know About Passover

April 20, 2016 By Greg Marcus 5 Comments

Passover is a wonderful holiday for getting together with friends and family. In fact, a Passover Seder is probably the most common Jewish practice in America. We like the ceremony, the special foods, and complaining about the Matzah. There is one thing you should know about Passover but probably don’t.

I just learned it, and my view of Passover has changed considerably. For me, Passover moved from being a holiday of Joy to a holiday of Joy AND an opportunity for spiritual growth. The Hebrew word for Egypt is translated as “narrow place.” Slavery in Egypt confined us to a narrow place, with constrictions on our physical, emotional, and spiritual lives. The Exodus is the story of liberation from the things that hold us back.

Rabbi Nachman of Bratzlov (1772-1822) said, “The Exodus from Egypt occurs in every human being, in every era, in every year, and in every day.” I admit it – the quote gives me chills. What an amazing opportunity we have every day – to liberate ourselves from what holds us back. Each Choice Point* we face is an opportunity for liberation.

So the one thing you should know about Passover is that is is an opportunity for spiritual growth. Why not use this Passover as an opportunity to rededicate yourself to your Mussar practice? I suggest restarting with Enthusiasm, which teaches us to focus on proactively doing good things. And, it reminds us to finish the task. What is one small thing you can do to proactively to bring good into the world. And let me know if I can help!

*A Choice Point is the type of decision where we sit on the cusp of following the path of the Good Inclination or the Evil Inclination. See this post for more

If you are new to Mussar, the Four Week Challenge is a great way to get a taste.

Four Conversation Starters for Your Seder

April 18, 2016 By Greg Marcus 3 Comments

Does your Seder conversation ever get boring? Passover means many things to many people. Sometimes there is a raucous conversation. Sometimes the kids dominate. Sometimes the Jews are outnumbered. What counts is that people come together. Whatever the character of your Seder this year, you may come across a moment where you want to change the direction of conversation. Whether it needs a jump start or a right turn, here are four conversation starters for your Seder.

What am I supposed to do with all the Matzah?

It seems that Costco packaging has taken over Matzah distribution. The supermarket seems to only carry multi-pacs of Matzah. (Maybe this is just a California thing.) My family just doesn’t need this much Matzah. We have our traditions like Nutella, PB&J, and tuna. We used to try to make Matzah Brei (which is kind of like Matzah french toast). Even so, we come no where near finishing our Matzah stash. And that conversation is old. What are some creative things to do with Matzah? It seems like Matzah could make a good building material with legos, or could be used to clean up spills or stop flooding. Is it ok to donate to a homeless shelter, or is it cruel to pass on the bread of affliction to those who are already struggling?

Do you tend towards too much or too little Order in your life?

Seder is the Hebrew word for Order. When we have a Passover Seder, notice how we use the Haggadah to guide us through the ceremonial meal. There is a certain order to things. At the same time however, every Seder is different. One year we may spend more time on telling the story of the Exodus, and another there may be a skit about the plagues. The best Passover Seders embrace balanced order – they stick to the stories and rituals, but are flexible to meet the needs of the particular audience.

Spectrum Diagram of the Soul Trait Order

Order is also a soul trait in Mussar. You guessed it, Order governs, among other things, how orderly we are. (Order also governs the Laws of Nature, but that is the subject of another post.) We all share the Soul Trait of Order, but have different amounts of it. People on one extreme never plan anything, and live in a perpetual state of chaos. On the other end of the spectrum, people can bring so much order and control that it stifles freedom.

After someone answers, ask his or her spouse or partner. I think Order is one area where opposites attract.

What are you Grateful for?

We tell the story of the Exodus every year to remind us that we were slaves, and now we are free. We sing the song Dayenu as a means of saying thank you for all the things God did for us when we were liberated from Egypt. BTW, I am a bit of a scrooge when it comes to the song. This video of the Maccabeets singing Dayenu both captures the lethargy I feel, as well as transforms Dayenu into something cool.

Whatever you think of the song, Passover is a great opportunity to enumerate the things we are grateful for. Mussar practitioners will know to find something to be grateful for even in the bad or ordinary.

What is your narrow place?

The Hebrew word for Egypt is literally translated as “narrow place.” So the story of the Exodus can be a metaphor for personal transformation. We all have a narrow place, something that constricts us and holds us back. Often, we need the strength of community to help us get through. Passover is a great opportunity to deepen community connections.

Happy Passover!

You might also like: The One Thing You Should Know About Passover

Image Credit: #snoopy gets ready for #Passover #Peanuts #squirrelhill #pittsburgh by Harriet Schwartz via Flickr CC

Get Drunk On Purim – It Is Required

March 23, 2016 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

If you are Jewish and celebrate Purim, you might know that we are commanded to get drunk on Purim. In fact, tradition says that one should be so drunk that you can’t tell the difference between Haman and Mordechai.

For those of you who are not familiar with the story, Haman is the villain who tried to have the Jews exterminated, and Mordechai is one of the good guys who opposed him. Rabbis, scholars and everyday Jews have joyously followed this tradition, and of course debated what it really means for thousands of years. I won’t try to recapitulate their various arguments – indeed I haven’t read up on the subject. My understanding comes from Rabbi Jennifer Clayman, who taught me one interpretation: For most of the year we are expected to be restrained, thoughtful and dignified. For one day a year, it is important to cut loose, and go for unrestrained joy. (Apologies to R. Clayman if I am misremembering this.)

With Purim starting tonight, I’ve been thinking about this interpretation through a Mussar lens. The night of partying, silliness and even raunchiness balances everyday life when we are serious. Does that mean that if we spend our life drunk, should we spend this day sober? What is to be learned from having an experience far outside of your normal behavior?

I won’t be attending the Purim Shpiel tonight. The Shpiel is a funny re-enactment of the Purim story. It would be a great time, but I’ve just had too much going on. I’m wiped out from both work and personal stresses. Yes, the one who writes about work life balance isn’t going to the party because he has been working too much. I will, however, take the night off, and make it an evening of fun.

Whether it is tonight or in the near future, I wish you a window of unadulterated joy. Life will have its ups and downs. Sometimes the downs are trivial, sometimes they are severe. Whatever our life circumstance, we all deserve times of joy. Tell me about yours. I’d love to hear it.

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