Gratitude - American Mussar

Making Room for Sukkot Joy: A Mussar Practice

September 30, 2026 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

Last Saturday, I officiated at my daughter’s wedding, and I still have a big smile on my face.

A big part of the joy was being with almost all of the important people in my life. It would not have been nearly as joyful had she chosen a wedding with two witnesses at the courthouse.

It also happened to be the first day of Sukkot

On Sukkot, we are supposed to feel joyful. But is that a reasonable thing to require?

Life has its ups and downs. If we are going through illness or joblessness, grieving a loss, or worried about something happening in the world, can we really just turn on the joy?

In fact, the expectation that we should feel joyful could lead us to feel worse. We may even turn to addictive behaviors or other distractions for short-term comfort.

This is where our Mussar practice can help bring on the Sukkot joy

Joy Is Something We Can Practice

To begin with, Joy—simcha in Hebrew—is a soul trait, a spiritual quality. When we get in the habit of practicing Joy, we can lean on that practice to find some element of Joy even when we don’t feel particularly joyful.

That doesn’t mean pretending everything is wonderful when it isn’t. Instead, we can practice Sukkot Joy in a few ways.

Practice Gratitude. Think of something you ordinarily take for granted in your life. Don’t just recognize the good—marinate in it. Allow yourself to feel the pleasure of something as simple as clean air or wearing your favorite shirt. When you do, Joy can seep in.

Celebrate someone else’s Joy. Rabbi Nosson Tzvi Finkel once gave himself a private banquet because he heard about a stranger in another country who had won a great prize. What can you do to celebrate another person’s good fortune? This is also a way to practice the soul trait of Honor.

Connect with something higher. For example, try a Jewish meditation that focuses on the Divine Name YHVH. This may not be your jam and may seem a bit out there. But for some people, this kind of connection can bring not only a sense of peace, but Joy.

Maybe Sukkot Isn’t Asking Us to Flip a Switch

Judaism also teaches that Joy is something we experience in community.

Maybe the Sukkot teaching isn’t really about magically flipping a switch and making ourselves feel good. Maybe it is more about creating the conditions in which Joy has a chance to find us.

We come together with friends, family, and community. We share a meal under the sukkah. We appreciate what we have even while sitting in a deliberately fragile structure that reminds us how uncertain life can be.

My daughter’s wedding reminded me of this. Yes, I was joyful because my daughter got married. But so much of that Joy came from sharing the moment with people I love.

We don’t always get to choose how we feel. But we can choose practices that make a little more room for Joy.

If you would like to connect more deeply with the American Mussar community, our weekly gathering meets every Thursday at 4 Pacific / 5 Mountain / 6 Central / 7 Eastern. No experience is needed, and please invite a friend too!

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What is one small way you could make room for Sukkot Joy —even if life isn’t particularly joyful right now? Please answer below. I answer every comment.

Five Mussar Traits to Help You Move

June 25, 2025 By Greg Marcus 2 Comments

“I love packing and moving!”

Said no one, ever.

After 22 years in the home where we raised our children, Rachel and I are preparing to move to the Denver area, where I’ll be starting as the new rabbi at B’nai Torah in Westminster. It is a huge transition, that impacts the body, mind, and spirit. I’ve noticed a lot of soul traits in play helping me along the way.

Moving is also a metaphor for getting unstuck, which is very much in the Mussar wheelhouse. When we are stuck, it is hard to find a path forward, and sometimes we don’t even know where to start. Maybe one of these five soul traits can help you “get moving” as well.

Mussar Trait 1: Enthusiasm / Alacrity

As a reminder, the trait of enthusiasm is not about the rah-rah—it’s more about taking action. Another translation is alacrity, which means to be prompt and cheerful in taking action.

I can’t say that I was always cheerful, but when we were in Denver looking for a house to rent, we needed to make decisions quickly. We decided to proactively keep checking Zillow for new listings. The house we rented was one that became available the day we arrived, and we were the first to see it the next morning. We applied immediately—on a phone while eating sandwiches at a local deli.

Where can you apply alacrity to help you get moving?

Mussar Trait 2: Order

Planning, planning, planning. We have several spreadsheets and lists to break down this monumental task into doable chunks. We also bought a big pack of red, green, and yellow stickers to label furniture and other things around the house so we can immediately see what we want to bring, and what we want to get rid of.

How might a list help you get moving?

Mussar Trait 3: Silence

This trait governs when we should speak and when to remain quiet. Moving is one of the most stressful things people go through, and there have been several times when I’ve had to hang in there and listen during a stressful moment with my partner. I’ve also tried to ask for what I need and ask for clarity if I’m not sure what my partner needs.

How might better communication help you get moving?

Mussar Trait 4: Patience

It doesn’t matter how much I wish I could just skip this part and get to the end. That is not the way the world works. There is a lot of “grind it out” work that needs to be done in a move. It’s not necessarily fun, although there is a satisfaction in getting rid of things that no longer “spark joy,” as Marie Kondo would say.

Patience is about enduring an uncomfortable situation that we have little control over. Yes, I made the choice to move—but that set off a chain of events that I can only ride and not control. As the mantra reminds us:
“This too shall pass, and I have the strength to get by until it does.”

How might patience help you reduce your suffering as you work to get moving?

Mussar Trait 5: Trust

Trusting in the Divine. Many of us are uncomfortable bringing God into everyday life, and don’t really believe in Divine intervention. You don’t need to in order to benefit from trust.

“Trust in God but tie your camel” is the mantra. It reminds us that there is only so much we can do. It is easy to get caught up in worry about the future.
“What if my new congregation doesn’t like my ideas? What if I don’t make any new friends? What if the plane gets delayed and the cats wake up and start yowling?”

Trust helps us combat worry by reminding us that we do our best to prepare, and at some point we need to let go of the outcome. In the end, I really do trust in the Divine / the Universe / myself that everything will be okay.

How might trust help you worry less and get moving?

Bonus Mussar Trait: Gratitude

Recognizing the good—the essence of gratitude—is a never-ending font of energy.

And as always, I am super grateful for this community. I look forward to resuming our weekly gatherings on Zoom August 28th.

Which of these traits can help you get moving?
Please reply or leave a comment and let me know. I’ll do my best to answer.

Does Time Off Make You Stressed Out? Gratitude Can Help

June 11, 2023 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

At long last: A week off! No classes, no internship, no deadlines. And as a result, I’m really stressed out. I find myself pulled into the future, wondering about classes for next year, how to fill gaps I have in service leading, and planning for a return as student Rabbi to the synagogue where I interned.

Some of this may be a rebound from a high octane trip to LA, which featured lots of time with my friends from school and my first in person ordination. After returning from such a great experience, it isn’t always easy to get back into the routine of everyday life. As mindfulness master Jack Kornfield wrote, “After the Ecstasy, The Laundry.” I was so annoyed when I first heard that teaching. I always hoped a vacation and great time would spill over into a greater feeling of satisfaction throughout life. Alas, things don’t work that way.

To help get myself back into the moment, I’m turning to this week’s soul trait: Gratitude. Last week we began exploring Gratitude, focusing on the importance of “enoughness.” You can see the recording here. This is an important first step. Reminding myself that I am enough, even as I work on building professional competencies is important.

In addition, Rabbi Bachya ibn Pakuda taught that people do not feel gratitude because they become preoccupied with worldly things, and therefore miss out on many opportunities to experience joy. Therefore, I’ll build some time for mindful fun and joy into the week. I am playing some games I like, but it feels a bit more like numbing than actual enjoyment. Time to remedy that!

Do you see a difference between an enjoyable and a numbing activity? Please comment and let me know. I reply to every comment.

Photo by Avi Richards on Unsplash

15 Minutes of Gratitude Could Change Your Life

November 25, 2020 By Greg Marcus 10 Comments

“Things are good”

So said one of the participants in last week’s Jewish Wisdom For Coping with a Pandemic gathering. We were focused on Truth, and with a partner, we tried to look at the Truth of our lives, with an eye out for what is good.

She acknowledged that she had not touched another human being for months because of the pandemic, and that she missed her community. Yet she was ok and could do what she needed to from her home. The realization was on empowering for her, and an inspiration for all of us. (You can see it here).

As we approach Thanksgiving, there are invited to look for the good in our lives. 2020 has been one of the hardest and saddest of my life. I lost my mother to Covid, and yet I’ve tried not to lose the whole year. There have been real moments of joy, community and connection.

This Thanksgiving, will you join me in taking the 15 minute Gratitude challenge? Carve out 15 minutes for yourself, and sit with a journal or a piece of paper. Start a timer, and write down everything in your life that you are grateful for. When I first did this in 2016, it was absolutely transformative. Before I started, I reviewed some key teachings about Gratitude that helped me a great deal.

Mussar teaches that Gratitude is the ability to recognize the good in any situation, and to give thanks. Thus, we are enjoined to be grateful for both good and bad things that happen to us. The latter can be a challenge. For example, when we are in shock over unexpectedly losing our job, and the mortgage payment is coming due, it may be hard to feel grateful. With the fullness of time we may end up with a better job, or being home may allow us to reconnect with our friends and family. Thus, in the moment, we can be grateful that we have an opportunity to spend our time doing other things. In addition, Mussar teaches us to be grateful for inanimate things. For example, right now I am Grateful to the nice lazy boy that supports me in comfort as I write to you. Not only that, I nap regularly in this chair with a cat on my lap.

In the 11th century Mussar classic Duties of the Heart, Rabbi ibn Paquda teaches that there are three things that keep us from being grateful.

We become too occupied with material things. For example, we want the very latest iPhone, and forget how useful the version we already have is.
We take things for granted. Here, we fail to recognize the bounty of everyday blessings, like a comfortable bed, a safe neighborhood, and being alive.
We focus on the negative. We tend to focus on mistakes people make, and the small hurts we receive from loved ones, and don’t notice the positives they do for us.

Before you start, write the three barriers to gratitude at the top of your paper. Then write down the three categories of things we should be grateful for. As a reminder they are:

Good things
Bad things (by finding the good in them)
Inanimate things

Then, start the clock and write your list of things to be grateful for. As you are working on your list, try to overcome each of the objections, and remember to write down things in each of the categories to be grateful for. Don’t stop writing until the timer reaches 15 minutes. Some people find it very hard to write for the entire time. Frankly, this is what I expected to happen to me the first time I tried it.

In contrast, I was quite amazed to discover that at 15 minutes, I wasn’t done. I kept writing for another ten minutes! In those final minutes, I started to feel a sense of calm, peace, and fulfillment. I was amazed, because prior the the exercise I was feeling a bit restless and fretful. When I was done, I was filled with energy and confidence. I still feel the residue of the experience a day later.

So did that change my life? Heck Yah! Even had I only felt those positive feelings for part of a day, that in itself is life changing. Yes, making your today better is life changing. And I have the opportunity to keep making my today better each and every day. Beyond that, I know that I filled almost four pages in my journal of things to be grateful for. When I have such abundance in my life, it is hard to worry about even the big things that can be overwhelming. May this wealth of things to be grateful for give me strength and help me through these challenging times.

So, do you agree that 15 minutes of Gratitude could change your life?

Will you join me? Comment below me and let me know how it goes.

Ready to start your own Mussar journey? Take the Soul Trait Profile Quiz now.

An earlier version of this post was published in January 2016 and again in December 2018.

Cherish Your Non-Jewish Partner This Rosh Hashanah

September 14, 2020 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

In 2004 Rabbi Janet Marder at Congregation Beth Am in Los Altos sent shockwaves through the Jewish world by blessing the non-Jewish spouses who were members of the congregation on Yom Kippur. The message was clear: Cherish your non-Jewish partner.

Rabbi Marder said, “What we want to thank you for today is your decision to cast your lot with the Jewish people by becoming part of this congregation, and the love and support you give to your Jewish partner.” You can read the entire blessing here.

The blessing took place a few years before my family joined that congregation, and people were still talking about it. At the time, my wife was not Jewish and we picked Beth Am because the website was covered with welcoming messages, and our makeup is diverse – interfaith, same sex, intercultural marriages abound. We felt comfortable and welcomed. But it didn’t mean that there weren’t issues, issues that I was insensitive to.

I now understand how much I took my wife’s decision to embrace raising a Jewish family for granted. When I went back and read the blessing today, the following passage really struck me. “You come to services, even when it feels strange and confusing at first. You hum along to those Hebrew songs, and some of you even learn to read that difficult language.”

As I have written before, I am uncomfortable when people use Hebrew phrases that I don’t know. How much more difficult it must be for people who did not grow up Jewish. I’ll be honest, I didn’t really put it together, I did not put myself in her shoes.

Rabbi Marder’s blessing from 16 years ago also reminds me how Mussar can help strengthen relationships, by helping us recognize and cherish the differences in the other. To be clear, I think it is particularly important to cherish the differences, because despite those differences, our partner chooses to be with us.

Mussar, particularly American Mussar, offers an opportunity offers intermarried couples an opportunity to share Jewish values in everyday life without needing to know Hebrew or traditional ritual practice. Being a good person is the essence of being Jewish, and Mussar offers a roadmap to bring our everyday actions into alignment with our aspirational values. Here are three soul traits that can help us cherish our non-Jewish partner.

Honor Rabbi Marder was demonstrating the Soul Trait of Honor, in that she was going out of her way to Honor the Divine spark in others, when they are different from us. We can practice Honor by asking our partner how they are doing, and if they are uncomfortable or struggling with any part of the Rosh Hashanah experience. Work to make them feel more comfortable.

Gratitude – I did not sufficiently appreciate my wife for agreeing to raise a Jewish family. Take my advice, say thank you, and go out of your way to show your Gratitude by being sensitive and inclusive. The person you are with wants to be included, and understandably may be struggling. As Rabbi Marder said, “We know that some of you have paid a significant price for the generous decision you made to raise Jewish children. You have made a painful sacrifice, giving up the joy of sharing your own spiritual beliefs and passing your own religious traditions down to your kids. I hope your children and your spouse tell you often how wonderful you are, and that their love and gratitude, and our love and gratitude, will be some compensation, and will bring you joy.”

Order – Don’t just assume that your non-Jewish partner has to do all the child care or food preparation. When the kids were little, I often left it to my wife to take them out so I didn’t have to miss any of the service. Offer them an opportunity to participate in services and take your turn bringing the kids outside if they start to act up. And do some planning, to find an activity that the whole family can do together. For example, after services, plan to get together with a large group of friends.

Moses said, “I place before you today a blessing and a curse.” (Deuteronomy 11:26). This is a choice we all have every day. The reality is that you have someone in your life who care about you, but is really different. It might be an intermarriage, but there are other ways to be different. You might both be Jewish, but one of you is apathetic or unenthusiastic. Or you may share the same religion, but one of you is a vegan, or god forbid, a someone who supports the other political party.

You can choose to ignore the differences, and allow them to be a source of conflict or pain. Or, you can choose to make them a blessing, and go out of your way to connect despite your differences.

On Rosh Hashanah, we are given an opportunity to really look at those relationships, to make amends for our mistakes, and decide to do better in the future.

Want to start your own Mussar journey? Click here to take the free Soul Trait Profile Quiz now

Image Credit: Rosh Hashanah by Lilach Daniel via Flickr CC