Gratitude

Cherish Your Non-Jewish Partner This Rosh Hashanah

September 23, 2019 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

In 2004 Rabbi Janet Marder at Congregation Beth Am in Los Altos sent shockwaves through the Jewish world by blessing the non-Jewish spouses who were members of the congregation on Yom Kippur. The message was clear: Cherish your non-Jewish partner.

Rabbi Marder said, “What we want to thank you for today is your decision to cast your lot with the Jewish people by becoming part of this congregation, and the love and support you give to your Jewish partner.” You can read the entire blessing here.

The blessing took place a few years before my family joined that congregation, and people were still talking about it. At the time, my wife was not Jewish and we picked Beth Am because the website was covered with welcoming messages, and our makeup is diverse – interfaith, same sex, intercultural marriages abound. We felt comfortable and welcomed. But it didn’t mean that there weren’t issues, issues that I was insensitive to.

I now understand how much I took my wife’s decision to embrace raising a Jewish family for granted. When I went back and read the blessing today, the following passage really struck me. “You come to services, even when it feels strange and confusing at first. You hum along to those Hebrew songs, and some of you even learn to read that difficult language.”

As I have written before, I am uncomfortable when people use Hebrew phrases that I don’t know. How much more difficult it must be for people who did not grow up Jewish. I’ll be honest, I didn’t really put it together, I did not put myself in her shoes.

Rabbi Marder’s blessing from 13 years ago also reminds me how Mussar can help strengthen relationships, by helping us recognize and cherish the differences in the other. To be clear, I think it is particularly important to cherish the differences, because despite those differences, our partner chooses to be with us.

Mussar, particularly American Mussar, offers an opportunity offers intermarried couples an opportunity to share Jewish values in everyday life without needing to know Hebrew or traditional ritual practice. Being a good person is the essence of being Jewish, and Mussar offers a roadmap to bring our everyday actions into alignment with our aspirational values. Here are three soul traits that can help us cherish our non-Jewish partner.

Honor Rabbi Marder was demonstrating the Soul Trait of Honor, in that she was going out of her way to Honor the Divine spark in others, when they are different from us. We can practice Honor by asking our partner how they are doing, and if they are uncomfortable or struggling with any part of the Rosh Hashanah experience. Work to make them feel more comfortable.

Gratitude – I did not sufficiently appreciate my wife for agreeing to raise a Jewish family. Take my advice, say thank you, and go out of your way to show your Gratitude by being sensitive and inclusive. The person you are with wants to be included, and understandably may be struggling. As Rabbi Marder said, “We know that some of you have paid a significant price for the generous decision you made to raise Jewish children. You have made a painful sacrifice, giving up the joy of sharing your own spiritual beliefs and passing your own religious traditions down to your kids. I hope your children and your spouse tell you often how wonderful you are, and that their love and gratitude, and our love and gratitude, will be some compensation, and will bring you joy.”

Order – Don’t just assume that your non-Jewish partner has to do all the child care or food preparation. When the kids were little, I often left it to my wife to take them out so I didn’t have to miss any of the service. Offer them an opportunity to participate in services and take your turn bringing the kids outside if they start to act up. And do some planning, to find an activity that the whole family can do together. For example, after services, plan to get together with a large group of friends.

Moses said, “I place before you today a blessing and a curse.” (Deuteronomy 11:26). This is a choice we all have every day. The reality is that you have someone in your life who care about you, but is really different. It might be an intermarriage, but there are other ways to be different. You might both be Jewish, but one of you is apathetic or unenthusiastic. Or you may share the same religion, but one of you is a vegan, or god forbid, a someone who supports the other political party.

You can choose to ignore the differences, and allow them to be a source of conflict or pain. Or, you can choose to make them a blessing, and go out of your way to connect despite your differences.

On Rosh Hashanah, we are given an opportunity to really look at those relationships, to make amends for our mistakes, and decide to do better in the future.

Want to start your own Mussar journey? Click here to take the free Soul Trait Profile Quiz now

Image Credit: Rosh Hashanah by Lilach Daniel via Flickr CC

15 Minutes of Gratitude Could Change Your Life

December 31, 2018 By Greg Marcus 9 Comments

So how was 2018? Was it a good or bad year? How can you tell? For most people, I suspect 2018 had both the good and the bad. Sometimes there were overwhelming moments of joy or sadness that can color our perception of the whole year. Overall, I feel like 2018 was a pretty good year for me, despite many things going on in the world that are pretty sucky. I turned 52 just a few days ago, and felt great about it. I decided to stop trying to fit the year on a scale from good to bad, and instead do a Mussar Gratitude practice. Gratitude can change your life.

Will you join me in taking the 15 minute Gratitude challenge? Carve out 15 minutes for yourself, and sit with a journal or a piece of paper. Start a timer, and write down everything in your life that you are grateful for. I did this a few minutes ago, and it was absolutely transformative. Before I started, I reviewed some key teachings about Gratitude that helped me a great deal.

Mussar teaches that Gratitude is the ability to recognize the good in any situation, and to give thanks. Thus, we are enjoined to be grateful for both good and bad things that happen to us. The latter can be a challenge. For example, when we are in shock over unexpectedly losing our job, and the mortgage payment is coming due, it may be hard to feel grateful. With the fullness of time we may end up with a better job, or being home may allow us to reconnect with our friends and family. Thus, in the moment, we can be grateful that we have an opportunity to spend our time doing other things. In addition, Mussar teaches us to be grateful for inanimate things. For example, right now I am Grateful to the nice lazy boy that supports me in comfort as I write to you. Not only that, I nap regularly in this chair with a cat on my lap.

In the 11th century Mussar classic Duties of the Heart, Rabbi ibn Paquda teaches that there are three things that keep us from being grateful.

We become too occupied with material things. For example, we want the very latest iPhone, and forget how useful the version we already have is.
We take things for granted. Here, we fail to recognize the bounty of everyday blessings, like a comfortable bed, a safe neighborhood, and being alive.
We focus on the negative. We tend to focus on mistakes people make, and the small hurts we receive from loved ones, and don’t notice the positives they do for us.

Before you start, write the three barriers to gratitude at the top of your paper. Then write down the three categories of things we should be grateful for. As a reminder they are:

Good things
Bad things (by finding the good in them)
Inanimate things

Then, start the clock and write your list of things to be grateful for. As you are working on your list, try to overcome each of the objections, and remember to write down things in each of the categories to be grateful for. Don’t stop writing until the timer reaches 15 minutes. Some people find it very hard to write for the entire time. Frankly, this is what I expected to happen to me.

In contrast, I was quite amazed to discover that at 15 minutes, I wasn’t done. I kept writing for another ten minutes! In those final minutes, I started to feel a sense of calm, peace, and fulfillment. I was amazed, because prior the the exercise I was feeling a bit restless and fretful. When I was done, I was filled with energy and confidence. I still feel the residue of the experience a day later.

So has that changed my life? Heck Yah! Even had I only felt those positive feelings for part of a day, that in itself is life changing. Yes, making your today better is life changing. And I have the opportunity to keep making my today better each and every day. Beyond that, I know that I filled almost four pages in my journal of things to be grateful for. When I have such abundance in my life, it is hard to worry about the small things. And when I suffer a setback, I know that I have a wealth of things to be grateful for in other areas, to give me strength and help me through.

So, do you agree that 15 minutes of Gratitude could change your life?

Will you join me? Comment below me and let me know how it goes.

Sincerely,

Greg

PS I am very Grateful to you for being a part of this community. I wish you all the best for 5778.

Ready to start your own Mussar journey? Take the Soul Trait Profile Quiz now.

An earlier version of this post was published in January 2016

Climb The Mussar Ladder of Voting Like Maimonides

November 5, 2018 By Greg Marcus 1 Comment

What would Maimonides say about voting?

Maimonides, the great medieval Jewish philosopher, defined eight levels of giving charity. For example, we can give reluctantly and with regret, or we can give a large loan to help someone escape poverty entirely. Maimonides ladder of charity sets forth an important principle – there are levels of doing good, and each rung we climb brings us closer to heaven. Inspired by Maimonides ladder of charity, Mussar can guide us to create a ladder of voting.

What might a Mussar ladder of voting look like? Each rung will bring more mindfulness, and a greater positive impact. And, each rung would be more about others, and less about ourselves.

The Mussar Ladder Of Voting.

Vote in the most important races. Given the length of the ballot, you may not have time to research every race. Rather than not voting, cast your ballot for what you deem to be the most important races. For example, you vote for the President and Senator, but don’t vote for the ballot measures or local officials.
Vote in every race based on third party recommendations. Here, you are using party affiliation, and/or a voter guide to vote for each and every issue on the ballot. You are making your voice heard more widely, and thus taking on more responsibility for the outcome of the election. This approach also includes people who vote no on every ballot measure unless they have a very good reason to vote yes.
Vote every line of the ballot based on personal research. Here, you are taking your responsibility to create a just society very seriously. You research each candidate, and make an informed decision for each one.
Vote according to the totality of your values. Not only are you making an informed decision, you are making a moral one. Rabbi Ira Stone reminds us that Mussar is a practice to learn to bear the burden of the other. Consider the impact of the laws passed by your candidates on “the other”. Elections have consequences. If you are thinking only about yourself, you are missing the fundamental imperative of living a moral life.

Bringing morality to voting can be tricky. For example, some Fundamentalist Christians only vote for candidates who oppose abortion. And some Orthodox Rabbis have told people to vote against any candidate who supports gay marriage. While each of these positions are heartfelt and grounded in values, they run into the danger of idolatry. There is no one single Jewish value that encompasses them all, except for Rabbi Hillel’s teaching which says “That which is hateful to you, do not do to another.”

Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto wrote, “Just as Enthusiasm can result from an inner burning so can it create one. That is, one who perceives a quickening of his outer movements … conditions himself to experience a flaming inner movement.” May your zeal for a just world inspire you to climb the Mussar ladder of voting.

Where do you land on the Mussar ladder of voting? Should there be other rungs, like voting for other Jews, or people who share your ethnicity/religion; voting against anti-semites; or enabling others to vote? Please comment below and let me know.

You might also like 5 Ways Spirituality Can Fight Post Election Despair

Practice Gratitude After Tree of Life?

November 1, 2018 By Greg Marcus 5 Comments

Is it too soon to practice Gratitude after Tree of Life? It was a massacre of our siblings on Shabbat. Less than a week later, I remain upset, sick, worried, sad, mad and confused.

I am working to make room for the sadness, as I described in the last post. And in that context, Gratitude after Tree of Life may seem a long way away. Yet is it exactly part of what we need to help get through.

The soul trait of Gratitude in Hebrew is Hakarat Ha’Tov, recognizing the good. In Mussar, we train ourselves to recognize the good, even in bad situations. I’ve done this mussar practice many times. While is works after I’ve gotten a parking ticket, or been in a painful argument with my wife, can it really help at a time like this?

Being grateful for the good and the bad is one of the most challenging Mussar lessons. Each and every time I facilitate a Mussar circle focusing on Gratitude, people initially get tripped up at the idea that we should give thanks for bad things.

The idea comes straight from the Talmud

One recites a blessing for the bad that befalls him just as he does for the good. Berachot 54a

The word “recognizing” reminds us how often we take things for granted. Even in a terrible event, some good things happen that we can take for granted. Together, lets us try to practice Gratitude after Tree of Life.

Here’s the Mussar Practice*

Recognize the good and give thanks for the events after the murders. Being sad is the first mussar practice after the murders. Now lets try to find a few areas of light. Here are three things to be grateful for:

We live in a country where police will rush into a building to protect us. Four police officers were wounded trying to save Jewish lives. Throughout our history, again and again, the police turned a blind eye or were complicit in killing us. It is wonderful and amazing to live in a country where today, the police risk their lives to protect us.
We can be grateful to the people who care for the bodies of the dead. I don’t want his mother to see him this way, Don Corleone said to Bonasera the undertaker in the Godfather, referring to the bullet riddled body of Sonny. The Chevra Kadisha is the Jewish burial society who wash and care for the bodies of the dead. In Pittsburgh, a team of volunteers stood outside the Tree of Life synagogue through the night until the bodies were removed. Later, they cleaned the synagogue to gather all of the human remains for burial. Every day, all over the world, volunteers and professionals work to treat the bodies of the dead with dignity. Truly Holy and sacred work.
People are coming together. Sunday night I attended a community gathering hosted by my synagogue. I was astounded to see a traffic jam, and close to 1000 people jammed into our sanctuary and social hall. It lifted my heart to see so many people there to support each other. I can’t tell you how much it meant to me to hear from clergy from many faiths, including a woman who chanted the Koran from the Bimah. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard.

Be sure to verbalize your Gratitude after Tree of Life, both directly to the people you are grateful to, and to third parties.

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Almost 1000 years ago, Rabbi Bachya ibn Pakuda wrote “Many good things are left unenjoyed, and the happiness to be had from them becomes tainted either because people do not recognize the good in it, or they do not realize its value.” (Duties of the Heart.)

For me, there is no joy in recognizing the good in these circumstances. However, Gratitude after Tree of Life does ease the pain. A Mussar practice of Gratitude today means that, in the future we will not miss an opportunity to recognize the good, and enjoy something that can be enjoyed.

For the good will return. It is still here. We can and must find it again.

See also 15 Minutes of Gratitude Could Change Your Life

How I Beat Overwhelm With Jewish Wisdom

July 24, 2018 By Greg Marcus 10 Comments

This year of living distractedly continues for me. Lots of moving parts in my life, from mom’s health issues, travel, and prepping to launch a kiddo to college. My mind is filled with so many ideas, but I have been blocked about putting fingers to keys. The sense of overwhelm keeps coming in, and my mind flits around and nothing gets done. And no, I don’t count the updates on Facebook, or the articles in the Forward/Tablet that I read online.

One source of joy and stability for me has been Jewish events and networking. Three days at the Limmud Bay Area Festival 2018 were just wonderful. I facilitated a session called Jewish Wisdom For Stress Free Parenting. It was magical – about 14 people that included an Orthodox woman nursing an 8 month old, 2 twenty something brothers without kids, a mom and her teen son, grandparents, fathers.

Having us all come together and share something was anything but overwhelming – it was peaceful. I am very grateful to my friend Estee Solomon Gray for both introducing me to Limmud, and all of the work she put in over the years to make the event successful.

Last weekend my wife and I went to the Beth Am Asilomar Retreat. It was a wonderful weekend of Jewish learning and Jewish community. I had a revelation while Rabbi Sarah Weissman was teaching us Talmud: Many people say that I am a very good facilitator. I realized that when I am facilitating, I am channeling Rabbi Sarah’s method – there is never a wrong answer, no matter how “out there” a comment might seem at first glance. She infuses enthusiasm, creativity, and insight in the groups she facilitates, and we all walk away feeling empowered. I thanked Rabbi Sarah, and we had a nice chat. In those moments of conversation, I was anything but overwhelmed.

This experience inspired me to share a Mussar Practice. With it, you too can beat overwhelm with Jewish Wisdom.

Here’s the Practice

Speak in the name of someone. Pirkei Avot 6:6 lists 48 ways of acquiring Torah. One is “Saying a thing in the name of one who said it.” Or put another way, give credit where credit is due. This practice reminds us not take for granted the good things in the world. They often have an origin, and in fact a person who brought them about. It also is a way to remind us that we did not get where we are on our own. Recognizing those who taught us, even small things, is a path towards both connection and order in the universe.

Take a few moments to think about some of your “go to moves” that make you successful. Who did you learn them from? Find a way to thank that person, and name them to others. For example, be sure to let people know whose recipe you are using, or who taught you the technique that helped you solve a problem at work.

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In each of the stories I shared above, connecting with others was a path out of overwhelm. And what better way to connect with others than to recognize a teacher? In Pirkei Avot 1:6, Yehoshua ben Perachia says, “Make for yourself a mentor, acquire for yourself a friend and judge every person as meritorious.”

Speaking in the name of your teacher is a step on the path for friendship and mentorship. And if your teacher is no longer alive, you make their memory a blessing by invoking their name with what they taught you.

Please begin this practice by sharing the name of a teacher below, and what they taught you.

The Mussar Ladder Of Voting.

****Here’s the Mussar Practice*****

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****Here’s the Practice****

Here’s the Mussar Practice*

Here’s the Practice