Mussar Practice - American Mussar

How a Hurricane and Inferno Helped Me Overcome Work Stress

January 22, 2016 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

It has been a good week for my book. I saw the first draft of the cover and I love it! And, as the blurbs from various Rabbis, Mussar teachers, and secular leaders roll in, they love it! Wow, I may be onto something here.

I’ll be honest – I’m one of those people who have a hard time hearing praise. At the same time, I am super excited. I have that blood in the water feeling I used to get in college. When I got a good grade, I would stay up all night studying to ace the next one too. I’m too old for that. I don’t want my work thoughts waking me up, and continuing to work all the time will degrade the quality of my life and creativity. The Soul Trait of Order has helped me overcome work stress.

On one level, Order has helped me be organized. I’ve been diligent about my lists and organization. But that has only given me more successes, which add fuel to the drive to keep pushing for more. As a recovering workaholic, I recognize the danger signs.

I found solace in what initially seemed like a very esoteric reading that was assigned in a class I am taking through the Mussar Institute. We read a teaching about Order by Rabbi Aharon Kotler (18911-1962), which was translated for the class by Rabbi Avi Fertig. The reading explains that a mere hair separates an Angel of pure fire, from an Angel of pure water. They are so close, “yet, they do not interfere with one another.”* Rabbi Kotler teaches that it is the Fear of the Divine that holds them apart. I did not find it helpful to think of the Angels as beings with agency, but when I thought of a Divine force field keeping them apart, a light bulb went off. If you are unsure of the Divinity, think of the boundary as a super powerful force field. As I’ll explain in a moment, we have the power to create boundaries with our mind.

Lost? I admit I was at first. Thanks to some work with my study partner, I’ve figured out something very relevant to my current situation. Stepping back, the text is describing two forces of nature that are brought in close proximity, but held apart by a boundary. If the boundary disappeared, they would destroy each other. As my wife pointed out, the boundary lets each fully be itself.

Here I sit, struggling to keep the excitement over my work from spilling into an equally vital home life. I need a boundary. I need Order to keep them apart. With a strong boundary, each part of my life can become more powerful, more focused.

Last night as I was tossing and turning, I meditated on my Divine spark, and asked for help keeping my work excitement in check. I visualized the raging inferno next to a swirling hurricane. Yet an invisible barrier, impenetrable and of infinite strength, held them apart. Please help me contain the work thoughts, and let me sleep.

I slept without waking till an hour before my alarm. Compared to the last few nights, I’ll take it. I am Grateful that Mussar helped me take another small step.

#iAMOrder

Image credits: Inferno by Mário Tomé & Hurricane Jeanne by kakela; both via Flickr CC

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How To Guarantee Your Voice Will Be Heard in 2016

January 19, 2016 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

Its election year, and you will hear many requests to vote. Some people don’t vote because they feel like their vote doesnt’ count. As someone who lives in California, I get it, because this state is super blue. I feel that my vote would count more if I lived in a swing state like Ohio or Florida. Plus, I’m not a billionaire or even a millionaire. Will my voice be heard?

You may feel like a cog in the machine at work. Does anyone care what you have to say? Do you beat your head against the wall trying to get people to listen? I’ve been there. For me, there are few worse things than being ignored or not taken seriously.

For more senior people in corporations, it doesn’t necessarily get any easier. There is almost always someone you need to please – a bigger boss, shareholders, customers, employees. The stress can be intense, and some people feel like a fraud. Any minute, you will be figured out.

It may feel like no one is listening. It may feel like no matter how hard you try, no one knows the real you. If we are lucky, we have a handful of people who will have our back no matter what, friends, parents, spouses, and siblings. But those people are few and far between. And even then, they do not always listen.

When we don’t feel heard, we feel alienated and alone. It is demoralizing and disheartening. Sometimes communication can be improved, especially with a friend or partner. Best practice for business is to make everyone feel heard, and a key part of the team. But there is no guarantee that your company will do the right thing. In all of these circumstances, being heard depends on someone else willing to listen. Maybe they will, maybe they wont.

How To Guarantee Your Voice Will Be Heard in 2016

There is, however, a way to guarentee that your voice will be heard in 2016. You should talk to yourself. I don’t mean the steriotypical muttering under yoru breath, or swearing at other drivers. Singing in the shower doesn’t count either. Have a heart to heart with yourself. Look inside, and find those things that cause you to get stuck. And then talk yourself into making a small change.

This is what Mussar has taught me. How many of us know what we should be doing, but end up doing something else? Who feels trapped, not only that no one will listen, but that we are powerless to do anything differently? I don’t know how many times in my life I’ve sent an email, and then regretted it later. Why did I hit send right away, when I know that I should wait an hour first?

Learn to talk to yourself in a way that you can listen. Tell yourself that you have choices, and use the Mussar practice to bring your life into focus. Instead of just stumbling along from moment to moment, focus on the choice points. As helpless as you feel, you still have choices to make. Do you walk into the room with a smile or a frown?

Viktor Frankl, the holocaust survivor and psychologist wrote, “Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation.”

Remind yourself that within your soul, there is a battle between the Good Inclination and the Evil Inclination. I don’t mean the big evils, I mean the small. The judgement, the hurts, the indifference. We are wired to respond more quickly emotionally. (Which is why I should always wait before responding to email.) It is better to take time and let your better self chime in. You can be heard – you can hear your better self. Which one will you listen to?

Three Soul Traits to help you hear your better self.

Gratitude – focus on what you have and be grateful.

Order – plan time to talk to your self, and to listen. Try meditation – it can bring calm and clarity. If you are not a meditator, give it a try. The first time, chances are that your thoughts will start to race, like a voice shouting in your head. That voice is yours too, listen to it.

Awe – We live in an amazing world, full of beauty in music, art and nature. Whether you believe this is the hand of the Divine, or part of the wonder of the Universe, Awe can help you get through. If you are feeling stuck and unheard, tap into the power of wonder to help you listen to yourself, and to give you the courage to do something better, something greater.

Take a few minutes right now to talk to yourself. Start by listening. What is going on? What do you need?

And then ask what you can do for other people. Taking action to help others is a way to overcome paralysis that can come from not being heard.

I’ve started asking myself “If you are so lonely, why don’t you ever call anyone?” Ring Ring, you will hear from me.

If you talk to your soul, it will listen. You are your soul.

#iAMEquanimity

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I’m Glad I Didn’t Win Powerball. Really!

January 14, 2016 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

I’m glad that I’ve moved on to practicing the Soul Trait Order this week. I’ve been scrambling around, and need some help to get my schedules and priorities re-established. No, I was not distracted by Powerball fever, although I did watch with a kind of detached fascination. (I was far more drawn in by all of the David Bowie tributes.) In fact, I did not buy a ticket because I feared winning.

My Mussar teacher Alan Morinis once reminded us that for many people, winning the lottery is the worst thing that ever happened to them. I am pretty sure a billion dollars would ruin my life. I couldn’t live in my current house, and would need someplace with more security. Would I need to worry about someone kidnapping my kids? I can imagine people coming out of the woodwork asking for money, and friendships becoming strained. Because of these reasons, I’m Glad I didn’t win Powerball. At the same time, I recognize that I am in a financially secure situation right now, and that if I were living in poverty to struggling to get by, I might take the billion to improve my life situation. I think Mark Cuban summed it up well, saying “If you weren’t happy yesterday, you won’t be happy tomorrow. It’s money. It’s not happiness.”

In addition, several research studies have shown that those with more wealth tend to have less empathy and compassion for others. (Read more here). I have enough trouble with empathy and compassion – the last thing I need is something that could make me less compassionate.

Whoever the winner is, I wish them well. Their spiritual curriculum just got a lot more interesting! For me, it is back to making lists and setting priorities. And, I’m happy to say that this morning I unloaded the dishwasher before breakfast. It always makes the day go better, but lately I haven’t done it.

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Five Mussar Lessons From Star Wars

December 16, 2015 By Greg Marcus 1 Comment

I was super caught up in the hype prior to the release of The Force Awakens. I was inspired to write five mussar lessons from Star Wars.

I was in 4th grade when Star Wars first came out, and my father took me to opening night of each of the original three movies. And my beloved wife bought tickets for the whole family to go opening night on Friday. Given that it is hard for me to think of anything other than Star Wars this morning, I thought I would try to do some soul work with my obsessive focus. So here are five American Mussar lessons we can learn from Star Wars

1. The Spiritual is more powerful than technology.

At the end of Star Wars episode 4, Luke turns off his targeting computer, and uses the Force to destroy the Death Star. For all that this forerunner of the franchise is recognized as a science fiction powerhouse, at the end of the day it is the power of something greater, something unseen that changes the world. Technology is but a tool. It is not like Luke isn’t using technology – he is. But technology cannot guide technology, it must be a human hand inspired by something greater.

The Soul Trait in play here is Awe of Something Greater. On my best mornings, I meditate for 40 minutes, and am filled with a Divine energy that powers me through the day. Five years ago I would have bet you a million dollars that I would never write or feel such a thing. But the truth is, that on multiple occasions I have tacked obstacles that I thought were impossible after a deep meditation. The answer was not found out there, but became apparent when I unblocked my Divine Spark.

2. We are driven by the battle between the Good and Evil Inclinations

The first three movies in the series are about the battle within Anakin Skywalker between the dark side and the light side of the Force. Such a battle goes on inside of each of us every day. We are presented with Choice Points, spiritual challenges where we can pick the good or evil path. Each decision makes it more likely that we will make a similar decision in the future, as it says in the the Talmud, “one mitzvah leads to another mitzvah, and one sin leads to another sin.” Anakin does not become Darth Vader overnight. He makes a series of choices that leads him to become the embodiment of evil. Yet the battle still rages within, and eventually the good once again becomes ascendant as he returns to his Jedi roots to kill the Emperor.

3. Too Much Good is Bad

Yoda caused the destruction of the Jedi because he was too Humble. In the third movie, Anakin goes to Yoda sick at heart because he has visions of Padme’s death. Yoda stayed with the party line that “Attachment leads to jealousy”, and advises him to “let go … of everything you fear to lose.” Where else does Anakin have to go but towards the dark side? Yoda was a leader, who could have bent the rules and helped Anakin come out of hiding with his marriage, and helped him channel his strong emotions. Anakin was prophesied to bring balance to the Force, and he did in an sense because he wiped out the Jedi who became detached from human emotion, and then defeated the Emperor who became ruled by his dark emotions. We cannot defeat the Evil Inclination, nor should we want to. When the Rabbis trapped the Evil Inclination, the chickens stopped laying eggs, and no one went to work. The key is to guide our impulses and emotions, and not let them control us.

4. No Victory is Complete

I haven’t seen the movie yet, but a shadowy figure in front of a melted Darth Vader helmet shows that the battle within is a constant one. Rabbi Dessler teaches that one the Evil Inclination tries to lull us into complacency by telling us that we are done (Strive for Truth p 46). We then let down our guard, and become susceptible to the impulses that lead to bad decisions. We need the Soul Trait of Enthusiasm to keep our focus on proactively doing the right thing.

5. Keep Going When It Seems Hopeless

It doesn’t get much darker than the end of Episode 3. We know that things will get better with A New Hope. Rabbi Tarfon taught, “It is not incumbent on you to complete the task, but neither are you at liberty to desist from it.” (Pirkei Avot 2:16). Moses did not live to see the Promised Land, just as Obi Wan and Yoda did survive to see the victory in Jedi. Each of these great leaders kept going when all seemed lost. And for every Yoda and Moses, there were thousands of people doing their small part in service of something greater.

What do you think of these five mussar lessons from Star Wars? Do they fit with your life experience? Let me know below or on Facebook.

Want to start your own American Mussar journey? Take the free Soul Trait Profile Quiz and get the American Mussar Sampler as a bonus. Click here to begin.

Should I Be Grateful That I’m White?

November 26, 2015 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

On this Thanksgiving morning, on a day when Americans have a special opportunity to be grateful for what they have, I am asking myself a question: Should I be grateful that I’m white? Mussar teaches that we should be grateful for the good, the bad, and those things we take for granted. It is in the latter category that my question falls. There is just one problem: I don’t think of myself as white. I think of myself as Jewish. If you look at my picture with Snoopy, with my Giants World Series Champions shirt (the third in five years) my skin tone looks white enough.

You might wonder why I don’t think if myself as white, even though my skin tone is light. The reason is that I’ve on occasion been the victim of anti-semitism, and I figure that anyone who hates or discriminates against blacks or other minorities would also hate me. While I still think that is true, I also think I am underestimating the impact of my skin color.

I started asking myself the question after getting up and reading the Huff post story about the Chicago police officer who shot Laquan McDonald 16 Times as he was walking away from the police. The officer, Jason Van Dyke was charged with murder one year later, only after the courts ordered the release of a dash-cam video showing the shooting. Van Dyke has never been disciplined for excessive use of force, despite at least 20 complaints against him. Want to get depressed or outraged to start your holiday? Read this story about how bad the racism problem is at the Chicago PD. The cover up stinks, all the way up to Mayer Rahm Emmanuel. Officers clearly lied in their official statements, and for a year the city refused to release the video, saying it would impede an investigation or some such thing.

So getting back to my question, maybe I should absolutely be grateful that my skin is white. It kind of makes me feel sick to write that, because it means that I am admitting that the color of my skin gives me advantages. It is an uncomfortable feeling, but it is undoubtedly true. The chances that I would be stopped, harassed, or shot by the police are vastly lower because of my skin color. And that reveals what I am really grateful for: I I am grateful that today I live in a country where the police are not a danger to me because of my religion, ethnicity, sexual orientation, or gender. To be grateful for my skin color per se would reinforce a racial identity that would leave me vulnerable to stereotypes, and to my own hidden bias.

You don’t need to be a member of the Nazi party or the KKK to have a ethnic, religious, or gender bias. Hidden bias is increasingly well understood by psychologists, and it scares the crap out of me to think that I could have some program running in the background that impacts my behavior. Well news to you Greg, you do have a subconscious that impacts your behavior, and not all of it is pretty. You know from Mussar that we have an inner conflict between the Good and Evil Inclinations. (I’ll say more about them in a future post. You can read more about the inclinations here for now. ) After I submit my book, I’ll take Project Implicit’s Hidden Bias Test, and try to learn more about my own biased attitudes.

Enough – in spite of these darker musings, I am so grateful for many things in my life. I am grateful for my family, friends, and to my readers. The road to self discovery also means allowing time to enjoy the good things, and having a weekend with family is oh so special.

What are you grateful for?

#iAMGrateful

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