American Mussar

21st century Jewish spiritual practice for an authentic and meaningful life

Practice Gratitude After Tree of Life?

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Gratitude after Tree of Life
Reverend Terry Gleason gives support and comfort from the Bimah

Is it too soon to practice Gratitude after Tree of Life? It was a massacre of our siblings on Shabbat. Less than a week later, I remain upset, sick, worried, sad, mad and confused.

I am working to make room for the sadness, as I described in the last post. And in that context, Gratitude after Tree of Life may seem a long way away. Yet is it exactly part of what we need to help get through.

The soul trait of Gratitude in Hebrew is Hakarat Ha’Tov, recognizing the good. In Mussar, we train ourselves to recognize the good, even in bad situations. I’ve done this mussar practice many times. While is works after I’ve gotten a parking ticket, or been in a painful argument with my wife, can it really help at a time like this?

Being grateful for the good and the bad is one of the most challenging Mussar lessons. Each and every time I facilitate a Mussar circle focusing on Gratitude, people initially get tripped up at the idea that we should give thanks for bad things.

The idea comes straight from the Talmud

One recites a blessing for the bad that befalls him just as he does for the good. Berachot 54a 

The word “recognizing” reminds us how often we take things for granted. Even in a terrible event, some good things happen that we can take for granted. Together, lets us try to practice Gratitude after Tree of Life.

****Here’s the Mussar Practice*****

Recognize the good and give thanks for the events after the murders. Being sad is the first mussar practice after the murders. Now lets try to find a few areas of light. Here are three things to be grateful for:

  1. We live in a country where police will rush into a building to protect us. Four police officers were wounded trying to save Jewish lives. Throughout our history, again and again, the police turned a blind eye or were complicit in killing us. It is wonderful and amazing to live in a country where today, the police risk their lives to protect us.
  2. We can be grateful to the people who care for the bodies of the dead. I don’t want his mother to see him this way, Don Corleone said to Bonasera the undertaker in the Godfather, referring to the bullet riddled body of Sonny. The Chevra Kadisha is the Jewish burial society who wash and care for the bodies of the dead. In Pittsburgh, a team of volunteers stood outside the Tree of Life synagogue through the night until the bodies were removed. Later, they cleaned the synagogue to gather all of the human remains for burial. Every day, all over the world, volunteers and professionals work to treat the bodies of the dead with dignity. Truly Holy and sacred work.
  3.  People are coming together. Sunday night I attended a community gathering hosted by my synagogue. I was astounded to see a traffic jam, and close to 1000 people jammed into our sanctuary and social hall. It lifted my heart to see so many people there to support each other. I can’t tell you how much it meant to me to hear from clergy from many faiths, including a woman who chanted the Koran from the Bimah. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard.

Be sure to verbalize your Gratitude after Tree of Life, both directly to the people you are grateful to, and to  third parties. 

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Almost 1000 years ago, Rabbi Bachya ibn Pakuda wrote “Many good things are left unenjoyed, and the happiness to be had from them becomes tainted either because people do not recognize the good in it, or they do not realize its value.” (Duties of the Heart.)

For me, there is no joy in recognizing the good in these circumstances. However, Gratitude after Tree of Life does ease the pain. A Mussar practice of Gratitude today means that, in the future we will not miss an opportunity to recognize the good, and enjoy something that can be enjoyed.

For the good will return. It is still here. We can and must find it again.

See also 15 Minutes of Gratitude Could Change Your Life

A Spiritual Response To The Tree of Life Massacre

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It is with profound sadness that I write this post. There is no right or wrong way to cope with the murders at Tree of Life *Or L’Simcha Congregation in Pittsburgh. I’ve seen lots of wonderful emails and posts from leaders in the Jewish community, with suggestions on what to do for kids, as a leader in a congregation, etc. But I have been struggling on how to react as a person. Here are my thoughts as they unfolded on Saturday, with a suggested Mussar practice.

It was surreal to pull up to the synagogue where I facilitate two Mussar groups and see a police car parked in front. There was another police car parked behind the synagogue, near the main entrance. Surreal, but not a surprise. Word of the shooting at Tree of Life *Or L’Simcha Congregation in Pittsburgh had already hit the news. When something like this happens, we need to protect ourselves.

We spoke of it on both groups – one person said they were not sure they were going to come, but upon hearing the news “I made sure to be here.”  This is what we do – we show up in times of grief.

The full horror of the murder of my Jewish siblings did not hit me until later in the day. I am in shock and mourning, as is the whole community of Jews and our allies.

The soul trait of Loving-Kindness (Chesed in Hebrew) teaches that comforting mourners is one of the highest and most sacred acts in Judaism. But how exactly do we mourn when we do not know the dead personally? What if I don’t want to visualize my own beloved sanctuary drowned in blood?

A friend of mine died unexpectedly a few years ago, and I’ve seen first hand how shattering it was to her husband and children. Must I dwell upon the survivors of the 11 who were murdered?

My denial gone, I sit feeling shattered. But still, how do I mourn?

I offer a mussar practice to help us through.

****Here’s the Mussar Practice*****

Allow yourself to feel sad. I didn’t feel sad the morning I first heard the news. I didn’t feel much of anything. I used to fear that I was low in the soul trait of Compassion because I did not feel in situations like this. Now I understand that I have too much Compassion, and shut off to avoid being flooded. Now I know this is a normal response to trauma. 

A spiritual response to mass murder is to inhabit the feelings that arise. Skipping sadness is dangerous, and opens the door to the evil inclination influencing our actions in ways that make things worse.

So, I am choosing to let myself feel sad. Here are a few ways we can do this together.

  1. Tell people you are sad when they ask how you are. When I picked up my Chinese food for dinner, when they asked how I was, I said that I was sad over the Tree of Life Temple. They were shocked, and did not know what to say. And, they were sympathetic, and know that this event across the country impacts a regular customer who they greet by name.
  2. Reach out to others. Call friends and loved ones and let them know you are sad. Offer comfort, and allow them to comfort you. Many organizations across the faith spectrum are hosting events. Go to one, whatever your faith. Be there for others, and for yourself.
  3. Make their memory a blessing. “May their memory be a blessing” is a traditional way that Jews offer comfort to a mourner. It means may their memory inspire us and bring comfort. For example, we can give blood, donate money, or volunteer to help those in need. You are invited to join me and donate directly to Tree of Life*Or L’Simcha Congregation.

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Rabbi Ira Stone teaches that the mission of Mussar is “bearing the burden of the other.” In a time like this, we need to hold each other up. We need to bear and be bourn.

Mussar is a practice of personal growth and spiritual transformation. Is it too early to think about growth and change? Yes and no. Before we get to growth, we need to pass through sadness. We practice Mussar so it can be there for us in times of crisis when we need it. We aspire to grow and learn each day, even on the worst days.

We have endured a lot as a people, and will endure more as we continue to pray for peace and a just society. I trust our tradition that coming to grips with sadness is key way station on the path of wholeness, and holiness.

Next Post: Practice Gratitude After Tree of Life?

Five Ways Mussar Can Make Halloween Jewish For Your Kids

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make halloween jewishUpdated October 30, 2018. Jews are founding members of the team of Light. While this has been a dark week, lets allow our kids and ourselves to enjoy a night of fun. 

Halloween can be a mixed bag for many parents. Seeing lots of cute kids in costume is balanced by another straw a hectic and over-scheduled life. For Jewish parents, there is the extra baggage of a grumble from Rabbis and experts who say that this tradition with pagan origins is not appropriate for our kids.

The Jewish mindfulness practice of Mussar offers an opportunity to make Halloween more mindfully Jewish. Mussar teaches how to close the gap between our aspirational values and how we act in everyday life.

Five middot, or soul traits to make Halloween Jewish.

  1. Joy/Simcha. Whenever I talk to small kids on Shabbat, I ask them “what is the number one rule of Shabbat? Shabbat is a delight.” I don’t share with them the full quote from Isaiah 58:13, which says “And you shall call the Shabbat a delight.” Since we are commanded to make one seventh of our life a delight, it is clear that Joy is a fundamental Jewish value. And if you are now thinking that your Shabbat is more about schlepping kids than joy, think of a way to bring a little more joy to your Shabbat too.
  2. Gratitude. The soul trait of gratitude is known in Hebrew as Ha’karat ha’Tov, recognizing the good. Getting candy and wearing a costume are fun things that we should not take for granted. We can remind our kids that saying thank you is not only polite, but a fundamental part of being Jewish. And, we can model being grateful for the financial means to have a home, and to buy candy and costumes. There is a big difference between saying “You should be grateful that daddy bought you this costume” and “Daddy is grateful that we have a home to welcome all these kids, and the money to buy candy.”
  3. Generosity. Mussar teaches that generosity is giving from an open heart, as opposed to Tzedakah, which is giving out of obligation. When you are preparing for Halloween, are you modeling generosity, or are you showing your kids a litany of stressed out comments about putting up decorations and having to buy candy? In addition, we can work with our children to find a way to give some of their candy to homeless kids or other people in need.
  4. Honor/Kavod. The Talmud teaches that Rabbi Yochanan Ben Zakkai would greet others in the marketplace before they greeted him, even gentiles (Berachos 17a) Once I stopped rolling my eyes at “even gentiles” I realized how profound it was that a sage in a tribalistic society of 2000 years ago opened his heart to people who were not like him. Halloween is a holiday where it is ok and celebrated to be different. We can remind our kids of the importance of respecting other people’s costume choices. And by participating, we have an opportunity to mindfully decide to connect to a cultural tradition of our country.
  5. Silence. In the book of Genesis, we learn that the world was created with speech. Indeed, we assist in the ongoing creation of the world with our speech every day. Be mindful of what you say and don’t say on and about Halloween. Are you using words like “lame or schlep,” or words like “cool and welcoming?” In addition, we can remind our kids that lashon ha’ra, or evil speech is not ok. In other words, don’t make negative comments or jokes about other people’s costumes or homes. Rabbi Hillel taught that one should always praise a bride as beautiful on her wedding day (Ketubot 17a). Why? Because a wedding is a time of joy. making negative comments about the groom’s shoes could detract from the joy of the occasion. Rather, we should proactively add joy. Similarly, we can teach our kids to praise the costumes of their friends and guests.

Finally, by taking a Mussar approach to make Halloween more Jewish, you are demonstrating to your family that one way to be Jewish is to show up as a mensch. Tell your kids that Joy, gratitude, generosity, honor and/or silence are fundamentally a part of being Jewish. Wherever you go and whatever your decide to do, we can bring a bit of Jewishness simply by choosing to live according to our values.

How will you make Halloween more Jewish this year?

How To Trust The Political Process Like a Mensch

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Trust The Political Process Like a MenschLast post I shared a Mussar practice to deal with political worry by taking action. This week we’ll tackle political worry head on, by focusing on the soul trait of Trust.

Trust is a very hard soul trait – so hard that many Mussar facilitators avoid it. I took the opposite approach, and include it early in my mussar book. Why? Because it is impactful. And because it is hard, we need more practice.

I am part of a Mussar Circle that is spending a year on the shadow side soul traits. After a summer hiatus, we met again, focusing on the soul trait of Worry.

Just what I need!  Today’s political situation gives me plenty of reasons to worry. The divisiveness alone should worry people across the political spectrum. The traditional way to combat worry in Mussar is to practice Trust, as in Trust in God.

I was both drawn to and repelled by the following passage that we read in the group:

Trust in the Divine with all your heart; and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge the Divine, and the Divine shall direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

I was drawn  to this in an aspirational way, and so wish that I could receive guidance and support to get through these turbulent times. And the “all your ways” is a theme that refers to the actions and decisions we make in everyday life, which I am totally into. At the same time my rational mind rebelled because I am not in the habit of blindly trusting that things will be ok.

We spent a lot of time in the Mussar circle discussing what the Divine means to us. Nina Piken gave me permission to share her conception of the Divine as a process of engagement, and she Trusts that process. Her framework helped crystalize what the passage above meant to me. Notice how it looks when I substitute “The Process” for “the Divine”

Trust in The Process with all your heart; and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge The Process, and The Process shall direct your paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6

Could The Process mean the political process too? I am struck by the convergence of the return of the Mussar circle focusing on worry at the very time my own political worries are starting to spike. And then Rabbi Rachel Adler referred to the Divine as a process on a Judaism Unbound Podcast I listened to the day after our group met. All of this brings to mind a Mussar practice for this week.

****Here’s the Mussar Practice***

Let the Process direct your path. If you are worried about the election, engage with the political process. In the 2016 election, too many people placed blind trust in the polls, which led to complacency. The political process means at minimum you should vote and encourage others to vote. You can also knock on doors, make phone calls, or contribute money.

Nina explained that the process represents in part self reflection. Am I making a knee-jerk reaction? Am I acting from my best self, or from a place of worry? A regular Mussar practice gives us a process to connect our actions to something beyond the surface, something higher or deeper. And we learn to Trust that process.

Trusting the political process keeps an eye on the big picture, and not to mistake today’s fight as a fight for all time. Trust reminds us that we are not alone, and that we have the resources to handle whatever happens.

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We all have the ability to be a Mensch, even when it comes to the anger and frustration so many of us are feeling about the government, or the opposition. Taking action is what the political process is all about, and taking action is also what Mussar teaches us to do. There are no guarantees about the outcome, which is why we need to trust the political process like a mensch. Let’s fight the good fight with sound minds and hearts, from a place of strength and respect.

As Rabbi Tarfon taught: “It is not your responsibility to finish the work [of perfecting the world], but you are not free to desist from it either” (Pirkei Avot 2:16).

Or to put it in a more modern context:

We shall overcome, some day.

You might also like Practice Trust To Overcome Election Stress Disorder

How To Worry About Politics Like A Mensch

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worry about politics like a mensch
Bluto (a future Senator) is not a mensch, but he understands resilience in the face of adversity.

Today someone told me she thought the country is heading for martial law. I agreed we could be. It is one of my fears. Why else a Presidential alert text system, it whispers. 

But she thought martial law would be a good thing, to arrest a bunch of people and “clean things up.” She was almost giddy.

Practicing what I preach about not giving advice to those who don’t want to hear it, I said, “Ok then,” and moved on to the next topic. Yet I am angry and worried about the political situation in this country. How can I worry about politics like a mensch?

Worry is a disconnect between what is and “what might be.” We worry about things we can’t control, like how our boss or friend will react to a request we make. And more often than not, worry prevents us from being our best self.

However, we need to remember that worry is a soul trait, which means that not enough worry is just as bad as too much. Just like some anger is ok, some worry is ok too. Righteous anger can drive us to take action to fix an injustice. In a similar way, we should try to practice righteous worry when it comes to politics. Given that  those in power are acting in a way counter to my values, this is one of those times when some worry is ok.

If I want to worry about politics like a mensch, what should I do?

I should take action. Which brings us to this week’s Mussar practice.

****Here’s the Mussar Practice***

Read Less. Do More. I notice myself obsessively reading articles about the state of the election. I try not to, and find myself looking for articles about politics that don’t mention particular politicians by name. What a complete and total waste of time. I don’t even bother to rationalize this to myself. All it does is stoke my worry, or allay it for five minutes. It doesn’t change anything.

As Shammai taught, “Make your Torah fixed, say little and do much, and receive every person with a pleasant countenance.” (Pirkei Avot 1:15).

  • The first part suggests that we set a fixed time for our political action. If you are worried about the election, put time on your calendar to do something about it.
  • Second, say little and do much means stop complaining, and start taking action.
  • The third part, receive every person with a pleasant countenance is a direct challenge to people who complain or troll incessantly on social media. It does no good to blame the “Bernie or bust” people, to rail against the president, or against Democrats. That kind of activity only divides us further, and does nothing to change who has power in this country.

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Shammai’s teaching is an Enthusiasm Mussar practice. Judaism is a religion of action, and Enthusiasm is the soul trait that helps us take action with energy and purpose. Right now, when I feel that heaviness and concern about what is happening, and what might happen, I need to draw on Enthusiasm to get me going.

Each and every one of us has what it takes to be a Mensch. Sometimes we need some inspiration to step into our best selves, and not give in to fear, worry, or despair. Maybe you can get that from a friend or relative, maybe from our ancestor Abraham who used to “run to do good” or maybe from a fictional not very menchy character like Bluto in Animal House.

What matters is getting people to vote. Period. As a Mussar practitioner, you need to start with you self. Click here to take the pledge to vote, and access resources to help in close races across the country.

Please share encouragement, resources and links below.

My own political views are heartfelt, and not a secret. If you disagree, I hope we can stay civil with me and in relationship. While we will not litigate the issues here, you are free to share election resources to support any reasonable candidate or party below.