American Mussar

21st century Jewish spiritual practice for an authentic and meaningful life

How To Cut Your Hair Like a Mensch In a Pandemic

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Cut Your Hair Like a Mensch
This is the haircut I need today, not the one I had pre-covid.

Would you have gone back to Egypt on the shore of the Red Sea? On a recent Judaism Unbound podcast, Rabbi Amichai Lau-Lavie shared that some Israelites did indeed people wanted to go back to Egypt, to the way things used to be.  Others wanted to move forward into a scary unknown, and jumped in the water to cross the sea. He suggested that we are in a similar place now., in a moment of uncertainty. Do we want things to go back to the way things were, or will we exit this crisis looking to make a better world?

My perspective is that things will never go back to the way they were, even in the best of circumstances. Many flaws of the old way are being exposed by this crisis – the lack of healthcare and wages for many, and structural inequalities to name a few. It is my hope and desire to build a better world.

This became apparent to me in a small but real way over the weekend, when I unpacked my hair clipper. For 20 years I’ve gotten the same haircut – a number two clipper on the sides, and cut short to blend it in on the top. (Number two means 1/4 inch in length.) At first, I thought that I could replicate this on my own, by using a combination of a 2 and 3 clipper. But the clipper didn’t have a #2, only a #3 at 3/8 of an inch. And it had some fancy attachments to give a fade on the sides.

Thinking back on what Rabbi Amichai said, I realized that this was not the time to try to go back to a haircut I could not possibly achieve on my own. I realized that what I needed was to make my hair neat and presentable. So, I just cut it with the longest length, and it looks just fine. That is my haircut for the present. In the future, who know’s what I’ll decide to do? So to “cut your hair like a mensch” is to figure out what it is you need, and then to do it.

What is it that you really need right now?

This act of looking at what you need is critical when we then look to the needs of others. This weeks American Mussar Community Gathering will focus on the soul trait of  Honor. 

How To Trust The Political Process Like a Mensch

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Trust The Political Process Like a MenschLast post I shared a Mussar practice to deal with political worry by taking action. This week we’ll tackle political worry head on, by focusing on the soul trait of Trust.

Trust is a very hard soul trait – so hard that many Mussar facilitators avoid it. I took the opposite approach, and include it early in my mussar book. Why? Because it is impactful. And because it is hard, we need more practice.

I am part of a Mussar Circle that is spending a year on the shadow side soul traits. After a summer hiatus, we met again, focusing on the soul trait of Worry.

Just what I need!  Today’s political situation gives me plenty of reasons to worry. The divisiveness alone should worry people across the political spectrum. The traditional way to combat worry in Mussar is to practice Trust, as in Trust in God.

I was both drawn to and repelled by the following passage that we read in the group:

Trust in the Divine with all your heart; and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge the Divine, and the Divine shall direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

I was drawn  to this in an aspirational way, and so wish that I could receive guidance and support to get through these turbulent times. And the “all your ways” is a theme that refers to the actions and decisions we make in everyday life, which I am totally into. At the same time my rational mind rebelled because I am not in the habit of blindly trusting that things will be ok.

We spent a lot of time in the Mussar circle discussing what the Divine means to us. Nina Piken gave me permission to share her conception of the Divine as a process of engagement, and she Trusts that process. Her framework helped crystalize what the passage above meant to me. Notice how it looks when I substitute “The Process” for “the Divine”

Trust in The Process with all your heart; and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge The Process, and The Process shall direct your paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6

Could The Process mean the political process too? I am struck by the convergence of the return of the Mussar circle focusing on worry at the very time my own political worries are starting to spike. And then Rabbi Rachel Adler referred to the Divine as a process on a Judaism Unbound Podcast I listened to the day after our group met. All of this brings to mind a Mussar practice for this week.

****Here’s the Mussar Practice***

Let the Process direct your path. If you are worried about the election, engage with the political process. In the 2016 election, too many people placed blind trust in the polls, which led to complacency. The political process means at minimum you should vote and encourage others to vote. You can also knock on doors, make phone calls, or contribute money.

Nina explained that the process represents in part self reflection. Am I making a knee-jerk reaction? Am I acting from my best self, or from a place of worry? A regular Mussar practice gives us a process to connect our actions to something beyond the surface, something higher or deeper. And we learn to Trust that process.

Trusting the political process keeps an eye on the big picture, and not to mistake today’s fight as a fight for all time. Trust reminds us that we are not alone, and that we have the resources to handle whatever happens.

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We all have the ability to be a Mensch, even when it comes to the anger and frustration so many of us are feeling about the government, or the opposition. Taking action is what the political process is all about, and taking action is also what Mussar teaches us to do. There are no guarantees about the outcome, which is why we need to trust the political process like a mensch. Let’s fight the good fight with sound minds and hearts, from a place of strength and respect.

As Rabbi Tarfon taught: “It is not your responsibility to finish the work [of perfecting the world], but you are not free to desist from it either” (Pirkei Avot 2:16).

Or to put it in a more modern context:

We shall overcome, some day.

You might also like Practice Trust To Overcome Election Stress Disorder

How To Worry About Politics Like A Mensch

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worry about politics like a mensch
Bluto (a future Senator) is not a mensch, but he understands resilience in the face of adversity.

Today someone told me she thought the country is heading for martial law. I agreed we could be. It is one of my fears. Why else a Presidential alert text system, it whispers. 

But she thought martial law would be a good thing, to arrest a bunch of people and “clean things up.” She was almost giddy.

Practicing what I preach about not giving advice to those who don’t want to hear it, I said, “Ok then,” and moved on to the next topic. Yet I am angry and worried about the political situation in this country. How can I worry about politics like a mensch?

Worry is a disconnect between what is and “what might be.” We worry about things we can’t control, like how our boss or friend will react to a request we make. And more often than not, worry prevents us from being our best self.

However, we need to remember that worry is a soul trait, which means that not enough worry is just as bad as too much. Just like some anger is ok, some worry is ok too. Righteous anger can drive us to take action to fix an injustice. In a similar way, we should try to practice righteous worry when it comes to politics. Given that  those in power are acting in a way counter to my values, this is one of those times when some worry is ok.

If I want to worry about politics like a mensch, what should I do?

I should take action. Which brings us to this week’s Mussar practice.

****Here’s the Mussar Practice***

Read Less. Do More. I notice myself obsessively reading articles about the state of the election. I try not to, and find myself looking for articles about politics that don’t mention particular politicians by name. What a complete and total waste of time. I don’t even bother to rationalize this to myself. All it does is stoke my worry, or allay it for five minutes. It doesn’t change anything.

As Shammai taught, “Make your Torah fixed, say little and do much, and receive every person with a pleasant countenance.” (Pirkei Avot 1:15).

  • The first part suggests that we set a fixed time for our political action. If you are worried about the election, put time on your calendar to do something about it.
  • Second, say little and do much means stop complaining, and start taking action.
  • The third part, receive every person with a pleasant countenance is a direct challenge to people who complain or troll incessantly on social media. It does no good to blame the “Bernie or bust” people, to rail against the president, or against Democrats. That kind of activity only divides us further, and does nothing to change who has power in this country.

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Shammai’s teaching is an Enthusiasm Mussar practice. Judaism is a religion of action, and Enthusiasm is the soul trait that helps us take action with energy and purpose. Right now, when I feel that heaviness and concern about what is happening, and what might happen, I need to draw on Enthusiasm to get me going.

Each and every one of us has what it takes to be a Mensch. Sometimes we need some inspiration to step into our best selves, and not give in to fear, worry, or despair. Maybe you can get that from a friend or relative, maybe from our ancestor Abraham who used to “run to do good” or maybe from a fictional not very menchy character like Bluto in Animal House.

What matters is getting people to vote. Period. As a Mussar practitioner, you need to start with you self. Click here to take the pledge to vote, and access resources to help in close races across the country.

Please share encouragement, resources and links below.

My own political views are heartfelt, and not a secret. If you disagree, I hope we can stay civil with me and in relationship. While we will not litigate the issues here, you are free to share election resources to support any reasonable candidate or party below. 

How To Repent On Yom Kippur Like a Mensch

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Repent On Yom Kippur Like a Mensch
Finn does not play the Shofar, but he does ask for only one thing at a time

The first way to repent on Yom Kippur like a mensch is not to use the word repent. Rather, a mensch uses the word “return.”

The word in Hebrew is Teshuva, from the root “shuv” which means to return. I could not even begin to  guess at how many books and articles have been written on Teshuva over the few thousand years. But here is a good one if you’d like more info.

I have always gotten a lot out of Yom Kippur. The process of making it right with people, thinking about the past year, fasting, and going to services is both meaningful and transformative. My life changed on Yom Kippur when I was 40 – a sacred number in Judaism – it was the first of several strong spiritual experiences I’ve had on the holiday. (See page 4 here for the story).

How the Mensch Repents on Yom Kippur

Rabbi Alan Lew of blessed memory wrote “Teshuvah begins with a turn, a turn away from the external world and toward the inner realm of the heart.” (This is Real and You Are Completely Unprepared. p 157)

This teaching puts us within a Mussar framework because we are focusing on the inner world. In addition, “return” takes us away from the flavor of shame that can come with the word “repentance.”  Moreover, it implies that we already have what we need to do the right thing.

At the same  time, we can’t do it alone. This is especially true when it comes to longstanding hurts or habits. It is not an accident that 12 step programs turn to a higher power for help overcoming addiction. While a lifetime of habits are not an addition per se, they might as well be when it comes to changing some of them. So how do we ask for that help, especially if we are not sure about the Divinity? One hint to the answer comes from the 27th Psalm. King David wrote,

One thing I ask from the Divine, this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Divine
all the days of my life

As I wrote in the concluding chapter of The Spiritual Practice of Good Actions, “dwell in the house of the Divine” means to be a good person. Today let’s focus on the beginning of the phrase, where it says “one thing I ask.” David shows us that we can ask the Divine for help on a personal basis. And, we should ask for only one thing at a time.

In the month of Elul, it is traditional to read the 27th Psalm every day. Each day we’ll repeat it

One thing I ask…
One thing I ask…

One thing I ask…

Which brings us to a Mussar Practice to repent on Yom Kippur Like a Mensch

****Here’s the Mussar Practice***

Ask for one thing. In Elul, my friend and teacher Rachael Shea led a wonderful meditation on “One Thing.” This helped set the stage for  two personal transformation workshops I am in this year; – an American Mussar one I am facilitating, and one run by Rabbi David Jaffe. Both offer an opportunity to create a spiritual plan for transformation. Through the discussion in these groups, and the insights I had in the meditation, it has become clear to me that we should only ask the Divine to help us with one thing. Not because the Divine is unwilling to help us with more than one thing, but because we are only capable of changing one thing at a time!

When coaching kids in softball or soccer, we were taught to only correct one thing at a time. When they improve on the first thing, then we help them improve the next thing. Similarly, when I work with clients, we pick one change to make in our life at a time.

When you are in services or on your own, say quietly to yourself “Please help me________.”

If you are not sure of the Divinity, you may be wondering who will hear you. At minimum, you will hear yourself, which is an important step on the transformation path.

For those of you who do not celebrate the High Holidays, and/or are not Jewish, the general principles of asking for help and focusing on one thing at a time still hold. I encourage you to try this practice as well.

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This Mussar practice to repent on Yom Kippur like a mensch is an Order practice, as it says

First things first, and last things later – Pirkei Avot 5:10

A mensch remembers that there can only be one first priority. By asking for one thing, we bring our focus to a single thing we want to change. Yes, we have many things we want to improve about ourselves, but by going one at a time we can actually make lasting and meaningful transformation.

What is the one thing that you will ask for in 5780? Please comment below.

How to Disagree About Abortion Like a Mensch

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Disagree About Abortion Like a Mensch
Christian ethicist, David Gushee and abortion rights activist Frances Kissling disagree about abortion like a mensch

In this week when the political divide in this country is growing like a flesh eating bacterial infection, I am feeling blue. My political views are not a mystery, and I don’t like what is happening with the Supreme Court.

But even more, I am upset about the vitriol between regular people. The nastiness on the internet, and the rifts between friends and family is literally painful to me. I think I must be crazy for hosting an workshop on Healing the Political Divide next week.

Yet just a few days ago, I listened to an inspiring interview that gives me hope that we can bring healing between people. Krista Tippett talked to abortion-rights activist Frances Kissling on her podcast On Being. Kissling described a process she uses to bridge the gap, which I’ll share below in our practice for the week. But first, she invoked a few soul traits with her assumptions

  1. Don’t try to find common ground between apposing sides. I think she spoke her Truth when she explained that there isn’t a lot of common ground between a group of Catholic Bishops and abortion rights advocates.
  2. Recognize the good in the other side.  This reminds me of Gratitude mussar practice, to recognize the good and give thanks.
  3. Refuse to see the other side as evil. This is a wonderful Honor practice, in that we remember there is divine in each person.

With these three assumptions, we come to a Mussar practice, which is based directly on one of Francis Kissling’s tools.

****Here’s the Mussar Practice***

Say something that you are attracted to in the other side’s position, and something about your own sides position that gives you trouble. Speak out loud, either alone or to someone close to you. This is particularly powerful when you are paired with someone who disagrees with you. Frances Kissling, an abortion rights activist and Christian ethicist David Gushee use this tool at the end fo the podcast.

Kissling said, “I’m generally troubled by the one-value approach to the question. That the only value in both moral decision-making and in legality, is what the woman wants.” Complicated questions, like abortion for sex selection are not considered. And, she found something very attractive about the holistic approach to life and life-processes on the other side.

Gushee said, “One of the things I’m attracted to … is the sustained knowledgeable commitment to the well-being of women.” Gushee said he is concerned about that the activists who want to see Roe overturned might be leading to a world with more abortions if they are also shredding the safety net.

If these two people on opposite sides debate can each disagree about abortion like a mensch, then perhaps we can find something attractive in the position of people on the other side of the political chasm.

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This is a practice in the soul trait of Honor (Kavod.) Each of us has a Divine Spark that is occluded by our baggage. If you are unsure of the Divinity, think of it as the basic element of goodness that each of us has. Our baggage can keep us from seeing our own spark, or the spark of others. Or, it can keep others from seeing our own spark. The universal Divine Spark means that each of us has merit, as  Yehoshua ben Perachia said:

“Make for yourself a mentor, acquire for yourself a friend and judge every person as meritorious.” – Pirkei Avot 1:6

In his book “Every Day Holy Day,” Alan Morinis suggests the mantra “There is another side to the story” when we are working on judging others favorably. Getting to know someone you disagree with enough to see their side of the story is a menchy action, a Holy action.

May each of us find the strength to get to know one person on the other side well enough to see through their eyes.

Do you want to help heal the political Divide? Join the Healing the Political Divide Mussar Workshop on October 11th, 2018