American Mussar

21st century Jewish spiritual practice for an authentic and meaningful life

Celebrate Jewish Thanksgiving Like A Mensch

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jewish thanksgiving
Jewish Thanksgiving means showing up like a mensch

In a few hours my daughter will be home from college for Thanksgiving. As you read this, you may be at home, on the road, or tucking in a bit of work before you get ready to tuck in some Turkey. If you live in the United States, chances are that you’ll be celebrating Thanksgiving in some way or another. It is a truly secular holiday, such that even most Orthodox Jewish Rabbis say that it is ok to celebrate Jewish Thanksgiving.

Our Jewish Thanksgiving I hope will be relatively drama free, with happy reunions, and time with friends. For some of you, it may come in a time of loss, or bring you together with a relative that you don’t get along with. One of my students told me he was dreading going home, fearing hurtful comments by his father about his weight.

Whatever your external circumstances, a Jewish Thanksgiving offers an opportunity for personal growth. You can show up in a way informed and inspired by Mussar practice. When we show up to a Jewish Thanksgiving, we have options.

  1. Just show up. Community is an inherently Jewish practice. Just being there with others on Thanksgiving is a blessing. As noted above, we don’t naturally connect with everyone, and it is a practice of Honor just to show up and be with other people.
  2. Greet Others with Peace. The traditional Jewish greeting shalom aleichem means peace unto you. And the traditional response is aleichem shalom, unto you peace. Today in America, few of us greet other Jews with a “shalom” and if we do we probably think of it as a hello. However, Thanksgiving offers a wonderful opportunity to offer peace to others we will see, especially if they are normally people we fight with or are hurt by.
  3. Up your gratitude. Some people have a Thanksgiving tradition to go around the table and each person says something they are grateful for. Whether this is part of your tradition or not, really focus on the things you are grateful for in this world. You may even want to take the 15 Minutes of Gratitude Challenge.

All of this leads to a Mussar Practice to help you travel the path of the Mensch.

**************Here’s the Mussar Practice*********************

Nonverbally communicate love, acceptance and gratitude. As you encounter people, focus on sending them the nonverbals, especially if they are people you often argue with.

If grandpa has become grumpy, go into the encounter with a loving vision of your best grandpa. If your parent says things that hurt your feelings every year, arm yourself with loving and connecting memories. As you communicate them non-verbally, you’ll see a change in the other person. Be persistent, even if at first they don’t respond. You’ll be showing up differently. Remember, it is impossible for one person to argue.

And if they go on a rant, tune it out and focus on the non-verbal heart space acceptance of who they are. The connection you have to them that is deeper than politics. As it says in the Torah “Distance yourself from a false matter” (Exodus 23:7). Let them have their truth for this day. You can keep emotional distance.

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I am so grateful to Brandon Beachum for this Honor practice. I was interviewed by Brandon for his Positive Head Podcast, which will air on December 5th or 12th. As part of our conversation, he shared this practice, which he learned from a former guest. It reminds me of the mantra I wrote for Honor: Find the good in anyone.

Sending nonverbal love, acceptance and gratitude takes “finding the good in anyone” to the next level. Whether you think of this as your Divine Spark connecting to another holy soul, or simply as a recognition that nonverbal communication is real and powerful, this practice can be life changing for you and others.

Each and every one of us has what it takes to be a mensch, all we need is some help. If you’d like to try this practice, but are feeling scared or blocked or cynical, drop me an email and I’ll help you through it.

Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash

How To Wait In Line Like a Mensch

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Wait In Line Like a Mensch
Which of these people are waiting in line like a mensch?

I am writing today from the DMV, while I wait for my daughter to take her learners permit test. The DMV is the great equalizer –everyone needs to go there. And when we go, waiting in line is inevitable.

At one point, I stood on my tippy toes to peak over the wall to see how many testing computers there were. “Dad, be patient!” my daughter said with exasperation.

“But I am being patient,” I thought. “I’m not ruminating or raging. I was just curious to see how many testing machines there are.”

“OK,” I said. I know better than to get into it with a teen. And really, she had a point. I was wondering how many computers there were, because the line just wasn’t moving.

Patience, like all soul traits, lives on a spectrum from too little to too much. Too little patience and we are angry and frustrated; too much and we are staying in bad situations without taking action. My peaking over the top was perhaps a strategy to try to deal with rising impatience. All of this makes me wonder:

How does one wait in line like a mensch?

When we wait in line, we have three options.

  • Wait with suffering and impatience.
  • Wait with indifference, zoning out or snacking on phone content.
  • Wait with connection and meaning.

There are no right or wrong answers per se. But if we want to wait in line like a mensch, we take the opportunity to make the most of the moment. A mussar practice comes to mind.

****Here’s the Mussar Practice***

Wait in line with a sense of wonder. As you wait, look around and try to find cool and interesting things.

The world is full of wonders and miracles, but we take our little hand and we cover our eyes and see nothing.” – The Baal Shem Tov

I tried this practice today, and it wasn’t easy. The DMV does not exactly present a feast for the eyes. Yet I was able to see some interesting patterns on the wall, and all kinds of different people. I wondered what their stories were. A few years ago, I would seek out longer lines, and say the Patience mantra “This too shall pass, and I have the strength to get by until it does.” Now that I don’t get frustrated waiting like I used to, this feels like the next challenge for me.

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R. Dov Ber of Radoshitz would waken his roommates with the call “Wake up, my brothers! A guest you’ve never seen has arrived. Once he leaves, you will never see him again. [Who is the guest?] Today.” I was going to spend two hours at the DMV no matter what. Instead of just hoping the time would pass as quickly as possible, why not try to make the most of the moment?

This is a Mussar Practice for Enthusiasm. B”en Azzai would say: “Run to pursue a minor mitzvah , and flee from a transgression. For a mitzvah brings another mitzvah, and a transgression brings another transgression.” (Pirkei Avot 4:2).

Life is the sum total of many minor moments, and a few major ones. Elevating the minor moments like waiting in line can add up to huge changes over time. If we can find meaning in the DMV, how much more so will we find in situations that inherently have more opportunities for meaning and connection?

As it happens, the DMV was the DMV. We were sent to the wrong line when we arrived. After two hours, we were told that we needed to come back with different paperwork. It was not a waste of time.

Where do you sit on the ladder of waiting in line? Reply below and let me know.

How To Carry A Box Like A Mensch

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Was it haughtiness of spirit to put this box on a stranger’s car?

In the last post, How To Dress Like a Mensch, I wrote about “haughtiness of the spirit.” As you may recall, I was teased by a friend for wearing shorts to a board meeting. A few days later, I read “He who walks in the marketplace with his shoes unlaced is among those who are of haughty spirit.” It made me realize that I displayed a “haughty spirit” by not dressing respectfully.” Not the end of the world, but also not behavior for one who aspires to be more like a mensch.

This week I was yelled at for putting a large cardboard box on top of a stranger’s car in a parking lot. “Its just a cardboard box with a pillow in it,” I said. “It won’t hurt anything.”

“You are rude and inconsiderate,” the man answered. He walked off after that. Although I was taken aback, and really didn’t think I had done anything wrong, I gave it more thought in the context of a haughty spirit. Maybe “He who places a cardboard box on someone else’s car in a parking lot” displays haughtiness of spirit.

I wasn’t sure, so I created a poll on the American Mussar Facebook page. The results were definitive, 11 to 4 in favor of haughtiness. The comments were particularly enlightening.

One person wrote, “As a fairly introverted person, I am very protective of my personal space…including my car.” The soul trait of Humility is all about occupying the right amount of space, as Alan Morinis wrote in Everyday Holiness “ Occupy a rightful space, neither too much nor too little.” It looks like I had occupied too much space.

Another person wrote that my action was “not respectful nor considerate.” This is a violation of the soul trait of Honor, which teaches us to focus on the Divine Spark of others. I was insufficiently respectful of other people.

I even brought this example up with my study partner. We discussed it for 15 minutes. It is a great example of a Mussar choice point, a true grey area. It wasn’t like I dumped a soda on the car, which would be obviously rude. Nor was it bumping the car as I opened the door, which would have been trivial. We decided to give Enthusiasm props to the person who called me out, for “running to do good” to defend his friend’s car.

Fundamentally though, this is about the Soul Trait of Order.

In that spirit, I invite you to try a Mussar practice

****Here’s the Mussar Practice***

Be mindful of where you put things down. When you put things down, think about whose space it is. Is it a common space at work or home? It is someone else’s space? Is it where the thing goes, or are you just throwing it anywhere? Have you put the dish on your coffee table, where it will live for the next two days, or did you take the time to bring it to the kitchen and clean it? Are the clothes just thrown on the floor at night, or did you put them in the laundry?

And you may be on the other end of the spectrum of Order – are you creating anxiety for yourself by being too controlling about how things should proceed?

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Remember, each one of us has what it takes to be a Mensch, a person of outstanding character. Mussar teaches us how to become more like a Mensch by taking small, mindful actions in everyday life. Where we put things is part of that process.

In the Mussar classic Cheshbon Ha’Nefesh, Rabbi Menachem Mendel Lefin wrote, “All your actions and possessions should be orderly – each and every one in a set place and set time. Let your thoughts always be free to deal with that which lies ahead of you.”

By practicing Order in this way, we can make sure that we are not impinging on another’s space. At the same time, if we become too focused on Order, we can be making others conform to overly rigid preferences, in effect taking up too much space.

Making mindful choices about where you put things opens the door to balance and healing in order, and other soul traits like Humility and Honor.

Give this practice a try, and come back and let us know how it goes.

Want to know where you need more work to be more like a mensch? Take the Soul Trait Quiz.

Meet These Super Inclusive Orthodox Rabbis

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This week I watched one of the most loving and connecting Torah study videos I have ever seen. It is a conversation between Rabbi Shmuly Yanklowitz and Rabbi Uri Topolosky. They are two liberal Orthodox Rabbis who are focusing on Religious plurality. There are Mussar lessons for all of us who wish to be more inclusive.

The key to religious plurality is a healthy dose of balance across multiple soul traits. And it stems from What Rabbi Uri calls The Torah of Uncertainty. Here are Five Mussar Practice Lessons I gleaned from the video.

  1. The Torah of Uncertainty comes from the first of the Ten Commandments, which reads “I am the Lord your God.” The Hebrew word for “I” is unusual in this case, and includes an extra letter that introduces uncertainty. The lesson for us is to remember that only the Divine One knows everything. When we practice the soul trait of Truth (EMET) we cannot be too certain.  We need to leave room for the perspective of others.
  2. When we practice Awe of the Divine, we need to stay to the middle way. We should not be so uncertain that we believe that anything goes. At the same time, we need to be mindful that we can’t be so certain of our view of what the Divine wants or teaches.  Rather, we need to be mindful of our own path. Late in video, they return to this idea in a wonderful conversation about the burning bush. As you may recall, Moses sees a bush that burns but is not consumed. Rav Shmuly relates that we don’t want to have no fire, and equally we don’t want to be so on fire with a zeal for the Divine that we burn  burn everyone around us. This is a Mussar practice  of we can enbrace – to act with a fire that does not consume us.
  3. Rabbi Uri shared a Midrash (story) about crossing the Red Sea (8:30). When the waters parted, there were 12 paths that split in the sea, one for each of the 12 tribes. This suggests there are multiple paths to the same destination. Moreover, the Midrash teaches there were windows in the walls. When you walk your path, recognize that others are walking a path that is different but equally valid as yours. This reminds us to practice Honor (Kavod), to respect the ideas of others.
  4. Rabbi Uri shared a personal story of a time when he was leading an Orthodox service on Rosh Hashanah in a chapel of a Reform synagogue after their space was destroyed by Hurricane Katrina. . During a silent moment of the Orthodox service, the woman Cantor hit a high note in the Reform service. While his first reaction was “This isn’t proper for an Orthodox service,” the smiles of everyone in the room reminded him that they all felt grateful for the love in the Reform Jewish community for giving them a space of their own. When we are less certain of our Truth, we are more open to the Mussar practice of Gratitude.
  5. This beautiful teaching closes talking about learning from everyone, and the practice of Hitlamdut.  “an attitude of engaged curiosity and openness to learning throughout our lives.”  The less certain we are of what we know, the more we will be able to learn from others. This is the essence of Mussar practice.

Ben Zoma said, “What is wise? One who learns from anyone.” (Pirkei Avot 4:1). While it may not be a stretch to learn from a Rabbi, it is an absolute pleasure to learn from Rabbi Shmuly Yanklowitz and Rabbi Uri Topolosky. I can say with certainty that this lesson of the Torah of Uncertainty will stay with me for a long time.

How does the Torah of Uncertainty apply in your life? Which Mussar Practice resonates with you? Please share below.

 

How I Beat Overwhelm With Jewish Wisdom

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Beat Overwhelm With Jewish Wisdom
Rabbi Sarah Weissman, my friend and mentor

This year of living distractedly continues for me. Lots of moving parts in my life, from mom’s health issues, travel, and prepping to launch a kiddo to college. My mind is filled with so many ideas, but I have been blocked about putting fingers to keys. The sense of overwhelm keeps coming in, and my mind  flits around and nothing gets done. And no, I don’t count the updates on Facebook, or the articles in the Forward/Tablet that I read online.

One source of joy and stability for me has been Jewish events and networking. Three days at the Limmud Bay Area Festival 2018 were just wonderful. I facilitated a session called Jewish Wisdom For Stress Free Parenting. It was magical – about 14 people that included an Orthodox woman nursing an 8 month old, 2 twenty something brothers without kids, a mom and her teen son, grandparents, fathers.

Having us all come together and share something was anything but overwhelming – it was peaceful. I am very grateful to my friend Estee Solomon Gray for both introducing me to Limmud, and all of the work she put in over the years to make the event successful.

Last weekend my wife and I went to the Beth Am Asilomar Retreat. It was a wonderful weekend of Jewish learning and Jewish community. I had a revelation while Rabbi Sarah Weissman was teaching us Talmud: Many people say that I am a very good facilitator.  I realized that when I am facilitating, I am channeling Rabbi Sarah’s method – there is never a wrong answer, no matter how “out there” a comment might seem at first glance. She infuses enthusiasm, creativity, and insight in the groups she facilitates, and we all walk away feeling empowered. I thanked Rabbi Sarah, and we had a nice chat. In those moments of conversation, I was anything but overwhelmed.

This experience inspired me to share a Mussar Practice. With it, you too can beat overwhelm with Jewish Wisdom.

****Here’s the Practice****

Speak in the name of someone. Pirkei Avot 6:6 lists 48 ways of acquiring Torah. One is “Saying a thing in the name of one who said it.”  Or put another way, give credit where credit is due. This practice reminds us not take for granted the good things in the world. They often have an origin, and in fact a person who brought them about. It also is a way to remind us that we did not get where we are on our own. Recognizing those who taught us, even small things, is a path towards both connection and order in the universe.

Take a few moments to think about some of your “go to moves” that make you successful. Who did you learn them from? Find a way to thank that person, and name them to others. For example, be sure to let people know whose recipe you are using, or who taught you the technique that helped you solve a problem at work.

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In each of the stories I shared above, connecting with others was a path out of overwhelm. And what better way to connect with others than to recognize a teacher? In Pirkei Avot 1:6, Yehoshua ben Perachia says, “Make for yourself a mentor, acquire for yourself a friend and judge every person as meritorious.”

Speaking in the name of your teacher is a step on the path for friendship and mentorship. And if your teacher is no longer alive, you make their memory a blessing by invoking their name with what they taught you.

Please begin this practice by sharing the name of a teacher below, and what they taught you.