American Mussar

21st century Jewish spiritual practice for an authentic and meaningful life

Five Mussar Traits to Help You Move

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“I love packing and moving!”

Said no one, ever.

After 22 years in the home where we raised our children, Rachel and I are preparing to move to the Denver area, where I’ll be starting as the new rabbi at B’nai Torah in Westminster. It is a huge transition, that impacts the body, mind, and spirit. I’ve noticed a lot of soul traits in play helping me along the way.

Moving is also a metaphor for getting unstuck, which is very much in the Mussar wheelhouse. When we are stuck, it is hard to find a path forward, and sometimes we don’t even know where to start. Maybe one of these five soul traits can help you “get moving” as well.

Mussar Trait 1: Enthusiasm / Alacrity

As a reminder, the trait of enthusiasm is not about the rah-rah—it’s more about taking action. Another translation is alacrity, which means to be prompt and cheerful in taking action.

I can’t say that I was always cheerful, but when we were in Denver looking for a house to rent, we needed to make decisions quickly. We decided to proactively keep checking Zillow for new listings. The house we rented was one that became available the day we arrived, and we were the first to see it the next morning. We applied immediately—on a phone while eating sandwiches at a local deli.

Where can you apply alacrity to help you get moving?

Mussar Trait 2: Order

Planning, planning, planning. We have several spreadsheets and lists to break down this monumental task into doable chunks. We also bought a big pack of red, green, and yellow stickers to label furniture and other things around the house so we can immediately see what we want to bring, and what we want to get rid of.

How might a list help you get moving?

Mussar Trait 3: Silence

This trait governs when we should speak and when to remain quiet. Moving is one of the most stressful things people go through, and there have been several times when I’ve had to hang in there and listen during a stressful moment with my partner. I’ve also tried to ask for what I need and ask for clarity if I’m not sure what my partner needs.

How might better communication help you get moving?

Mussar Trait 4: Patience

It doesn’t matter how much I wish I could just skip this part and get to the end. That is not the way the world works. There is a lot of “grind it out” work that needs to be done in a move. It’s not necessarily fun, although there is a satisfaction in getting rid of things that no longer “spark joy,” as Marie Kondo would say.

Patience is about enduring an uncomfortable situation that we have little control over. Yes, I made the choice to move—but that set off a chain of events that I can only ride and not control. As the mantra reminds us:
“This too shall pass, and I have the strength to get by until it does.”

How might patience help you reduce your suffering as you work to get moving?

Mussar Trait 5: Trust

Trusting in the Divine. Many of us are uncomfortable bringing God into everyday life, and don’t really believe in Divine intervention. You don’t need to in order to benefit from trust.

“Trust in God but tie your camel” is the mantra. It reminds us that there is only so much we can do. It is easy to get caught up in worry about the future.
“What if my new congregation doesn’t like my ideas? What if I don’t make any new friends? What if the plane gets delayed and the cats wake up and start yowling?”

Trust helps us combat worry by reminding us that we do our best to prepare, and at some point we need to let go of the outcome. In the end, I really do trust in the Divine / the Universe / myself that everything will be okay.

How might trust help you worry less and get moving?

Bonus Mussar Trait: Gratitude

Recognizing the good—the essence of gratitude—is a never-ending font of energy.

And as always, I am super grateful for this community. I look forward to resuming our weekly gatherings on Zoom August 28th.

Which of these traits can help you get moving?
Please reply or leave a comment and let me know. I’ll do my best to answer.

Finding Trust in a Troubled World: A Mussar Perspective on Worry

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finding trust
Trust in God but tie your camel

Do We Really Stop Worrying When We Trust?

Rabbi Bachya ibn Pakuda, in his 11th-century Mussar classic Duties of the Heart, taught:

“One who trusts in the Divine neither worries nor laments.”

Do you buy it?

Not all of us are sure about the Divine. And I don’t know about you, but I’m doing a lot of worrying and lamenting these days. Worry is fear for the future, and lament is sadness for the present or past. I don’t need to list all the reasons to worry or grieve in the world right now—you already know them.

The Promise of Trust

It sure would be nice to let go of the worry, to spend more of my mental bandwidth in the present. Whether you take ibn Pakuda’s teaching literally or metaphorically, Trust is a cure for worry because it is an exercise in hope. Whatever we believe about Divinity, we can hold on to hope—for a better future and for the power of community to make things better.

What About Grief?

But what about lament? Should we let go of that too?

Yesterday, I attended a funeral for someone special. I also have many friends impacted by the fires in LA, including members of our community who lost people close to them. It would not be appropriate to “spiritually bypass” grief in the name of Trusting in the Divine. And I don’t think that’s what our tradition asks of us either.

Rather, we might look toward the Divine—or toward something greater than ourselves—as a source of comfort in difficult times.

Trusting… But Also Tying Our Camels

Finally, a reminder: Trust, like all Mussar traits, should be practiced in balance. We still have work to do. As I put it in  my book The Spiritual Practice of Good Actions:

“Trust in God, but tie your camel.”

A camel will run off if you don’t do your part to take care of it. And we need to do our part to create the world we want to live in. Worry and lament can lead to paralysis—but these times call for action.

How does this idea of Trust land with you? Comment below—I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Want more on Trust? Check out the recording of the American Mussar weekly gathering that was inspired by this blog post.

I Woke Up and Thought “I’ve lost my faith.” Mussar helped me recover it

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I woke up and thought “I’ve lost my faith.”

It was a few days after the January 6th insurrection, and I just felt useless. So many people I know seem to think it was ok, or not a big deal. A minority, but enough to shake me.

I didn’t even realize I had faith until it was gone. What a lonely and alienating feeling. 

Not all of us have faith in the Divine, yet I hope we all have faith in something that makes us secure. As you’ll see below, this type of faith is the soul trait of Trustworthiness, which is what we explored in this meeting of Jewish Wisdom For Coping with a Pandemic. In the meeting, I shared the amazing experience I had just a few hours later that helped get me back on track. You can see for yourself in the video I shared.

Sometimes it takes just a little reminder to help us find ourselves, and sometimes we need help. I reached out to my friend and sometimes mentor Rabbi David Jaffe. He asked, “What do you need to focus on for your journey? Once you know that, you can share with your community from a place of authenticity.” He helped me focus on the soul traits of Trustworthiness and Anger for this weeks teaching.

It was a truly special gathering, which is why I am devoting a blog post to it. We covered:

  • What I saw in the Institute For Jewish Spirituality Daily Sit that helped me recover my faith
  • The connection of growing seeds to trustworthiness 
  • A secret teaching: when everyone was in break out groups, I shared an analogy about having a firm tent peg in the ground, a peg that was loosened for all of us on the January 6th insurrection
  • People shared the prayers they wrote inspired by a poem by Rabbi Pam Wax.

Yes, I woke up and thought, “I’ve lost my faith.” I’m so thankful for the American Mussar community that helped me process this experience.

You are heartily invited to watch the video, and share your reaction below. 

Discover the Mussar Hanukkah Miracle

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Mussar Hanukkah Miracle

On the first night of Hanukkah, as I uploaded this picture to Facebook, I was moved to write a short poem.

The next morning, I was surprised to see over 100 likes and 18 shares.

Here’s the poem that emerged:

The Miracle of Hanukkah Night 1: Humility
There is just one light.
Is it enough?
Am I enough?
It is exactly as it should be.
And so am I

The message is simple, and I guess it resonated. After all, does anyone sit there and complain that there is only one candle? One candle is enough.

Yet in other areas of our life, we yearn for more. It can be more material things, like more money, a “better” car, a bigger house…  Once we start down that path, however, there is no end. “Whoever loves silver will not be sated with silver.” (Ecclesiastes 5:9). 

Or we can yearn for more accomplishments. Recently when I was working on Envy, I noticed how I always reacted to news of other people being asked to speak in public. That reaction was very much related to my feeling of “enoughness.” When I feel like I am enough, I have either happiness or indifference to the accomplishments of others. But if I don’t feel like I am enough, I can long to be in another’s shoes.

When our Humility is out of balance, we focus too much on ourselves. This can come out at arrogance, or as doormatty feelings that the world singles us out for misfortune.

The poem offers an alternative, to practice Trust: All is as it should be, and that we are ok just as we are.

If you can Trust that you are enough (even if you don’t feel like we are enough), you can take action and experience the Hanukkah miracle of enoughness.

*****Here’s The Mussar Practice**********

Fill someone’s cup. As Jews, we are obliged to give Tzedakah, charity, to help those in need. Even those who receive Tzedakah are obliged to give, which highlights a recognition that the act of giving changes the soul. In a similar way, if you are not feeling like you are enough, focus your thoughts on helping someone else.

After all, as Rabbi Ira Stone teaches, the primary challenge of Mussar is the bear the burden of the other. So what better way to re-enforce our own sense of being enough than to give of ourselves?

If however, you are on the part of the spectrum where you are giving and giving and giving, such that you are starting to feel like a dried up twig, be sure to fill your own cup.

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Our history changed the moment that Moses noticed a flame that did not consume. Our history changed again when the oil that should have lasted only one day burned for 8 days. Once again, a flame burned but was not consumed.

You too, contain a Divine flame that burns but does not consume. 

The real miracle of Hanukkah is to recognize that you are enough just as you are.

Want to know what parts of the soul influence your sense of enoughness? Take the Soul Trait Quiz Now

How To Trust The Political Process Like a Mensch

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Trust The Political Process Like a MenschLast post I shared a Mussar practice to deal with political worry by taking action. This week we’ll tackle political worry head on, by focusing on the soul trait of Trust.

Trust is a very hard soul trait – so hard that many Mussar facilitators avoid it. I took the opposite approach, and include it early in my mussar book. Why? Because it is impactful. And because it is hard, we need more practice.

I am part of a Mussar Circle that is spending a year on the shadow side soul traits. After a summer hiatus, we met again, focusing on the soul trait of Worry.

Just what I need!  Today’s political situation gives me plenty of reasons to worry. The divisiveness alone should worry people across the political spectrum. The traditional way to combat worry in Mussar is to practice Trust, as in Trust in God.

I was both drawn to and repelled by the following passage that we read in the group:

Trust in the Divine with all your heart; and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge the Divine, and the Divine shall direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

I was drawn  to this in an aspirational way, and so wish that I could receive guidance and support to get through these turbulent times. And the “all your ways” is a theme that refers to the actions and decisions we make in everyday life, which I am totally into. At the same time my rational mind rebelled because I am not in the habit of blindly trusting that things will be ok.

We spent a lot of time in the Mussar circle discussing what the Divine means to us. Nina Piken gave me permission to share her conception of the Divine as a process of engagement, and she Trusts that process. Her framework helped crystalize what the passage above meant to me. Notice how it looks when I substitute “The Process” for “the Divine”

Trust in The Process with all your heart; and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge The Process, and The Process shall direct your paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6

Could The Process mean the political process too? I am struck by the convergence of the return of the Mussar circle focusing on worry at the very time my own political worries are starting to spike. And then Rabbi Rachel Adler referred to the Divine as a process on a Judaism Unbound Podcast I listened to the day after our group met. All of this brings to mind a Mussar practice for this week.

****Here’s the Mussar Practice***

Let the Process direct your path. If you are worried about the election, engage with the political process. In the 2016 election, too many people placed blind trust in the polls, which led to complacency. The political process means at minimum you should vote and encourage others to vote. You can also knock on doors, make phone calls, or contribute money.

Nina explained that the process represents in part self reflection. Am I making a knee-jerk reaction? Am I acting from my best self, or from a place of worry? A regular Mussar practice gives us a process to connect our actions to something beyond the surface, something higher or deeper. And we learn to Trust that process.

Trusting the political process keeps an eye on the big picture, and not to mistake today’s fight as a fight for all time. Trust reminds us that we are not alone, and that we have the resources to handle whatever happens.

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We all have the ability to be a Mensch, even when it comes to the anger and frustration so many of us are feeling about the government, or the opposition. Taking action is what the political process is all about, and taking action is also what Mussar teaches us to do. There are no guarantees about the outcome, which is why we need to trust the political process like a mensch. Let’s fight the good fight with sound minds and hearts, from a place of strength and respect.

As Rabbi Tarfon taught: “It is not your responsibility to finish the work [of perfecting the world], but you are not free to desist from it either” (Pirkei Avot 2:16).

Or to put it in a more modern context:

We shall overcome, some day.

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