Mussar Practice - American Mussar

Call on Boldness to Step Back from Busyness. Shabbat Is a Delight

February 9, 2018 By Greg Marcus 2 Comments

Our sages say that Shabbat is a delight. You may know people who love Shabbat and keep it and say they wouldn’t be able to live without it. Shabbat is praised as a taste of the world to come. It is the time for deeper intimacy, for the pleasures of the table, for song, for joy, for true respite.

So why is it so hard to do? It is such a great idea, but hard to make real. Much as we might long for a weekly day off, a true oasis in time, it’s hard!! Our broader culture is all about action and resting is just not part of the program. Regular rest is hard to build into our lives. Yet with diligence and a Mussar trait called Azut d’kedusha – holy boldness – it is possible.

What is holy boldness and why will it help us leap over the barriers to making time for Shabbat? The Hebrew word azut is related to the word oz which means courage or strength. And what is d’kedusha? It is the strength of holiness. And we need that boldness when we want to bring holiness into our lives. For some people, holiness has an odd off-putting tone. While we may want to be spiritual, we are not sure that we want to be holy. But let’s look at the word kedusha one more time. Professor Dov Landau of Bar Ilan University tells us that kedusha is related to the sacred, the wondrous, the elevated, the numinous, the mysterious, and the awesome. Kedusha is an aspect of life that is undefinable. We know it through our hearts and souls, not our intellect.

In the quest for these qualities we can be bold, we must be bold, because we live in the midst of a very secular world. We must be strong, even fierce, in the face of our never ending to-do lists. At the end of the day our task list is often longer than it was at the beginning of the day even though we might have been devoted to taking action all day long.

It is azut d’kedusha that gives us the chutzpah to say “no.” As Shabbat approaches we say that we are off the clock and off the hook. We put down our devices. We let people know that we are entering a world of time spaciousness.

We put aside our many tasks. We laugh at what I call the “just-one-more-thing” syndrome. That’s when we say “I will do just one more thing and then I will turn to the world of rest, then I will stop striving, then I will take that deep breath and trust that all will be well when I step off my treadmill.” But, the just one more thing turns into finishing ten more emails, and a few more texts, and perhaps a last check on social media. And then, the long wished for blessing of our oasis in time gets eaten up by our wish to just get on top of the many claims for our attention.

The word Shabbat means stop. That’s it. Just stop. So, now, just for a moment, carve out a little bit of time for your Shabbat rest. Find the time in your calendar when you are determined to turn off your phone, slow your movements, slow your breathing, and just for a little bit of time, that you set aside, ready or not, let go of achieving and turn to rest, to reflect and to play. Then, Shabbat is a delight.

This is a guest post is by Marilyn Paul, Ph.D. She is an organizational change facilitator and Mussar teacher. Dr. Paul has taught Mussar in Jerusalem, Berkeley and the Boston area. She is the author of “An Oasis in Time: How a Day of Rest Can Save Your Life ” and “It’s Hard to Make a Difference When You Can’t Find Your Keys: The Seven-Step Path to Becoming Truly Organized.” Please visit her website www.marilynpaul.com to learn more.

Five Mussar Practices To Charge Your Life In 2018

January 26, 2018 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

I am at my favorite Philz, drinking coffee, and reflecting on the past two years since American Mussar was founded. I’ve looked through so many of your stories, and am inspired and humbled by the ways that Mussar is changing your lives. 2018 is a year of blessing – 18 stands for life, and this year I am dedicated to helping you deepen your mussar practice. Below I’ll share five Mussar practices you can try. But first some background.

The last few months have been rough for me, with three parents in the hospital at various times with serious conditions. All three are on the mend thank goodness. The experience has really offered me lots of grist for the Mussar mill. Mussar has made it much easier for me to keep perspective, and to give myself time to recover my energy after difficult conversations before pushing on.

As is often the case with life, personal struggles can come against the backdrop of successes in other parts of life. As the American Mussar community has grown to over 1800 on the American Mussar Facebook page, and 5000 on the email list, your stories have been an inspiration to me to help me get through. Here are a few of the key highlights from 2017:

1. The Transform Yourself Through Jewish Wisdom Weekend was an amazingly transformative experience. I got to meet some of you there, and heard from many others who were not able to attend. This was our first live weekend event. The ten of us ended with our arms around each other, resolving to use the weekend as a springboard for change. One participant, Dr Dan Brown of San Diego said, “The Program has changed the trajectory of my life for the better.”

For me personally, it was also a breakthrough. You see, I struggle to feel satisfied. For all of my accomplishments, from MIT to the corporate world to my books, I never felt a sense of contentment like I did after this weekend. Yes, working to digest and unpack how Mussar can change your life left me with the highest feelings of satisfaction I have had. And since then, I’ve caught myself being happy and satisfied on multiple occasions. This may be commonplace for you, but for me it is a new and unique experience. If you have an opportunity to do an immersive experience like this one from any teacher you like, do it!

2. Stories of how Mussar is changing your lives. Here are a few examples:
• Healed sibling rivalry: You shared how Mussar helped you heal a 30 year sibling rivalry situation, and you chose to enjoy the holidays with people you rarely see rather than get sucked into old patterns.
• Loving Kindness: The blessing of being reminded of the impact you have on other people when you remember to practice Loving Kindness.
• Humility: You recognized how strongly you feel the need to be heard, and that sometimes it is too much for others. And you shared how it stemmed from a traumatic experience in your past. That recognition is a key step on the path to transformation.
I am so touched because you’ve let me touch you in this way.

3. I am particularly grateful to my 1:1 coaching clients. It has been a privilege to listen to your stories, and work with you to overcome those things holding you back and causing unnecessary suffering in your lives. To see you grow and thrive has been the best part of my week.

4. You let me into your lives through the book too. In the 15 months since The Spiritual Practice of Good Actions: Finding Balance Through the Soul Traits of Mussar was published, you’ve bought almost 2000 copies, and left more than 50 Reviews on Amazon. The latest particularly touches my heart. This book is changing my life …it takes the daunting and seemingly insurmountable spiritual journey of improving one’s character and reduces it to taking the first step, then the next, and so on. Read the full review here .

5. Rolling out the American Mussar Parenting Curriculum by working with lay leaders at two large synagogues. With just a few hours of training, anyone can use these materials to facilitate a mussar parenting group. One leader, from Temple Isaiah in Lafayette CA said the following after just two meetings, “I’m amazed at how the teachings are already having a positive effect on people’s lives.”

The key to Mussar is taking action, and you are discovering that taking one small step is everything – it is the whole game, because a first step leads to a second step and then a third step. But if you don’t take that first step, the journey never begins. Once you’ve taken it, you’ll begin building resilience to pick the practice up again with much less activation energy.

My focus for 2018 is to help you deepen your Mussar practice. There is no one size fits all solution. Here are five Mussar practices you could try. I don’t care which one you pick, but pick one.

1. Read a Mussar book. Here is a list of classic and modern Mussar books to choose from.
2. Schedule a free one hour strategy consultation with me. I love these calls. I listen, and then help you start to craft a strategy to become unstuck, get through a transition, or get to the next level in your practice. If you’d like to schedule the call, just click here to schedule one.
3. Sign up for the American Mussar Sampler program. For 13 weeks, you’ll get an email with practice prompts with a link to a video to give you a structure to practice the 13 soul traits in The Spiritual Practice of Good Actions. The cost of the sampler is $24 – a discount off the regular price of $36. As a special bonus, I’ll include a copy of the matching mantra cards, which have a retail value of $18 with free shipping within the US. Click Here to Order.
4. Sign up for the waiting list for the upcoming Mussar intensive courses. This will be a series of one month virtual Mussar groups each focused on a particular issue. Planning for the Mussar intensives will begin soon – we’ll be asking for your advice. By signing up for the waiting list, you will have the first opportunity to sign up for the class, and get a discount. Sign Up Here

5. Try a Patience Practice from the Mussar Parenting Curriculum. Sign up at the bottom of the info page here, and I’ll send you the participants and facilitators guides for you to review and select a practice.

My heart is really full because the practice is spreading. Please comment below and let me know what you are deciding to do. Let me tell you, if you are thinking to yourself, “I really should do this, but I have too much going on,” take my advice and just go ahead and do it. It will be a step forward. When in doubt, do the phone call. Nothing is more precious than your time, and if after 30 minutes you think it is a waste of time, we can end it then and there with no hard feelings.

As Rabbi Hillel said, “If I am not for myself who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? And if not now, when?”

2018 is a year of blessing – 18 stands for life, and this year I am dedicated to helping you deepen your mussar practice.

Most sincerely,

Greg

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

The Surprising Connection Between Hanukkah and Self Esteem: A Mussar Practice

December 13, 2017 By Greg Marcus 2 Comments

Happy Hanukkah! Hanukkah is a holiday of joy, to celebrate a miracle. While today we point to the miracle of the lights, the original miracle was the victory of the Maccabees over the Greeks. In this time of darkness for many people, we can take heart from both miracles. And as you will see below, there is a surprising connection between Hanukkah and self esteem.

Whether or not you are Jewish, there is a Mussar practice I am going to share that I think you will find meaningful.

****Here’s the Practice*****
Be a shamus to light other peoples flame

In Hanukkah, we light candles for eight nights. We don’t light the candles directly. First we light the shamus, a candle on a higher level than the others. Then, we use the shamus to light the other candles. In this practice, you will become a shamus, to light other people’s flame. The shamus is a servant, and thus when we seek to light another’s flame, we do so from a place of serving another.

This idea of lighting another’s flame my seem a bit abstract. I think of it as being an inspiration to others, to help them achieve more in the world. To bring it more down to earth, let’s put it in the context of the soul trait of Humility. Remember that Humility is about occupying your proper place in the universe, a balance between arrogance and self-abasement. Inspiring others requires “occupying more space,” that is moving more towards the arrogance side of the spectrum.

You might ask yourself, “Who am I to inspire others?” The answer is that you are a soul in the Divine image. You can be an inspiration, even if you normally hold yourself back from a lack of self-esteem.

You can be a light by leading by example, or better yet, by serving. How can you help someone else achieve their dream? It doesn’t need to be a Martin Luther King level dream. It can be something simple, like helping achieve a night of peace in the home. Or if your spouse is always asking you to stay off your phone, you can put it away for an evening and focus on being present.

Hanukkah is a holiday of joy and celebration. Take this occasion to be a light to others and help them bring more joy and goodness to the world.
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It is easy to be distracted by the commercial aspects of Hanukkah and Christmas. And it is very easy to let the holidays add to the overwhelm many of us are feeling. I hope you’ll take this opportunity to slow down, and take a moment to light other people’s flames. Serving can be far more fulfilling than leading.

Want to find out which parts of our Soul cause you to get in the way of serving others, or lead you to serve others too much at the expense of yourself? Click here to take the Soul Trait Quiz now.

Silence: A Mussar Practice For Trump Angst

October 16, 2017 By Greg Marcus 18 Comments

Would you like a mussar practice for Trump angst? First a question: If you hate Trump so much, why do you keep talking about him?

I asked that question to a close relative over the weekend. We were sitting together, watching TV when he said, “I am smarter than that guy, referring to a sports expert.” He had a little grin on his face, and from the way he said it, I could tell that he was lampooning Trump’s statement that he was smarter than Secretary of State Rex Tillerson.

In another conversation about the suffering in Puerto Rico, someone said “the problem is that Puerto Rico is an island, surrounded by water.” She looked at me expectantly, with almost a hunger for me to engage.

A few months ago, I posted something on Twitter, and out of the blue someone tweeted the “That explains Trump.” I made no response, and I imagine a great disappointment in the poster that I did not take the bait.

In each case, it appeared that the person was looking for me to justify and feed their anger. I see the exchanges on Facebook all the time. One person rants, and their friends jump in, either agreeing or disagreeing. Everyone is angry.

If this sounds at all like you, let me ask you: Is this the life you want to live? Is this what Judaism teaches us, to feed anger and disaffection? I know, we are supposed to speak out against injustice. But what injustice are we speaking about when we bring up Trump out of the blue to make fun of him? Here, you are just feeding the anger within.

The Talmud teaches “Whosoever yields to anger, if he be a wise man his wisdom leaves him, and if he be a prophet his prophecy leaves him.” (Pesachim 66b). In modern language, the Talmud is saying that when we get angry, we don’t think straight, and we do things we may regret. I know that when I am angry, I say and do some really hurtful things to the people I care most about.

In addition, insulting Trump instead of talking about actual issues amounts to gossip, which in Hebrew is known as lashon ha’ra. The Talmud teaches that harmful speech kills three people – the speaker, the listener, and the one being talked about. Rabbi Joseph Teluskin argues that avoiding gossip allows the speaker and listener to form a closer relationship because they are forced to focus on each other. Thus, when we bring up Trump at random times, we lose an opportunity to really connect and get to know other people. It may feel good to share misery, but it won’t actually make you feel better. And it won’t help you form community.

Instead of giving in to the urge to mock Trump, practice the Soul Trait of Silence. In the Mussar classic Cheshbon Ha’nefesh, Rabbi Menachem Mendel Levin wrote, “Before you open your mouth, be silent and reflect: What benefit will my speech bring to me or others?” One way to begin this Mussar practice is to write Levin’s phrase on an index card or sticky note, and put it on your bed table where you will see it in the morning. Read, chant, and/or contemplate it for a minute to begin your day. This will make you more aware of thoughtless speech in general. Next, stop and reflect before you say anything. As you become more mindful of your speech, you can choose to avoid the mocking speech we discussed above.

Lets consider a world in which you don’t bring up Trump at random times. It opens the door to focus on positive things that bring you energy and joy. I’ve seen it happen again and again – a positive conversation gets derailed into anger, frustration, and cynicism. Instead of allowing your negative side to bring the conversation down with insults, look for an opportunity to bring the conversation up. Staying present and plugged into the world is both empowering and life affirming. After all, our mission is Tikkun Olam, repair of the world. And mocking speech never repaired anything

Mussar has soul traits to help us focus on Tikkun Olam in the face of anger and despair. It is not enough simply to say “No Trump thoughts” or “keep it positive.” A full mussar practice for Trump angst requires a strategy to focus on something else.

Come back next week to read a post on moving from anger to Tikkun Olam.

Want to know which soul traits you need to work on? Take the Soul Trait Profile Quiz.

Feeling Compassion For a Gun Enthusiast After Vegas Shooting: A Mussar Practice Moment

October 5, 2017 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

Feeling Compassion For a Gun Enthusiast After Vegas Shooting?

I am not a gun guy, but somehow I felt compassion for a gun enthusiast who was talking about the Las Vegas shooting. I went on Facebook Live to talk about it, and how my feelings relate to the soul traits of Compassion and Abstinence. The back story.

I listened to an interview on All Things Considered with a gun enthusiast who was clearly upset about the shooting. This is someone who owns a lot of guns. He freely admits that there is no reason for someone to have that many guns in a hotel room. And he was clearly upset about the shootings in Las Vegas, Newton CT and at the Pulse in Florida. In fact, he felt responsible, because he believes in responsible gun ownership, and it was painful to him that “one of their own” did such unspeakable evil. Mary Louise Kelly deserves an award for the quality of the interview, because she asked questions without judgement. (Listen here, starting around 5:30). The man explained that he once fired a fully automatic weapon at a gun range under supervision, and he liked it. It gave a rush, like driving a fast car. His argument was this: why should I be punished for the actions of one person?

I’ve heard that argument by lawmakers previously, and dismissed it out of hand. But here was a real person saying the words with feeling and pain. In that past I would have felt judgement, thinking “People are dying, and you don’t want to do anything because you think guns are fun?” But none of that as I listened, perhaps because I am practicing the Mussar Soul Trait of Compassion this week. Compassion teaches us to be close to another, so close that you feel what they feel. And I felt the anguish, and the seductive power of the rush.

I was reminded of the Soul Trait of Abstinence, as explained in The Path of the Just by Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto. (Watch starting around 4:00.) Abstinence is about giving something up on the path to self improvement. Gun owners can voluntarily give up something they like. Before we jump on them for not doing so, or for fighting to keep their ability for a fun hobby, lets look in the mirror. Are you ready to stop driving fast because another driver driving that fast might kill someone? Give a watch to see what I say about sexual abstinence too.

I still don’t agree with his position, but at least I understand it. He is not crazy, and is no more selfish than the rest of us. And I think I could talk to him in a respectful way. Being sympathetic to his point of view will go a long way towards getting him to take the high road, or at least understand that we have nothing against him if we want safety regulations on gun ownership.

compassion for a gun enthusiasts — This woman enjoys shooting. That does not make her a bad person.

Healing and reconciliation in this country will only take place when we learn to understand our fellow Americans.

Have a listen. Tell me what you feel. Can you feel compassion for gun a enthusiast? Do you get it now in a new way? Agree? Disagree?

Reply below and let me know.