mussar silence - American Mussar

Contemplating Mussar Silence In Tel Aviv

October 10, 2023 By Greg Marcus 3 Comments

My wife and I are still in Israel, trying to get a flight out. We went quiet for a few days on Facebook, and people were asking if we were safe. As I am processing what we are experiencing, the soul trait that is most applicable is Silence.

Because sometimes there are no words. What can you say to the murder of hundreds of people? Entire families wiped out?

What to say after watching distraught family members crying on tv in a language I largely don’t understand? What to say about refugee children burst into tears as we walk into the safe area during a rocket attack? The words we say really matter. And for this I have no words. Last year in my Chaplaincy training, we were learned that being present with someone is far more important than talking. We strive to create a safe space for them to process.

I am touched that so many people who have checked in. “Thinking of you and checking in” offers presence and care. I have been bewildered how to answer those who ask if I am safe. I am in a country at war, with missiles flying. I am ok in an area that is relatively ok. But safe?

Silence is the sound of a closed hotel kitchen, no longer serving dinner because the cooks were called into service. Silence is the empty beaches.

Silence also governs speech and other holy sounds. Laughter from children finding toys as they explore the hotel. The relief and black humor from their resilient parents, who are happy we have 90 seconds to get to the shelter instead of 10 seconds like they did in the South.

I had questions for people who on Facebook who said they are praying for peace. The words we say matter. And this is a time to think and contemplate before we speak or write.

“What do you mean by peace?” I might ask. I have more thoughts, but I’m not sure they will benefit either me or you if I share them. So Silence reigns.

Owning My White Privilege: A Silence Mussar Practice

June 2, 2020 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

It was poignant coming out of Shavuot, the holiday that we celebrate the giving of the Torah, to find the world still so incredibly broken. The Torah as so much wisdom for living a moral life, yet we are mired in patterns of white supremacy. The United States has done little to acknowledge of legacy of slavery, lynchings, and discrimination that continues today.

Rabbi Alan Lew taught that in a recurring catastrophe, we ask how we are complicit and accountable. Systematic racism against people of color, aka white supremacy, is absolutely a recurring catastrophe. And now we are a country in crisis.

What is the mussar response? I was asked to address the murder of George Floyd before a previously scheduled Mussar teaching on Sunday morning. I declined, because to do so would have asked each of us to own our white privilege, and how we have contributed to bias against people of color. Why, because Mussar is a practice of personal transformation, guided by Jewish Wisdom. First and foremost, we have to own who we are, and our mistakes.

The next day, after watching the protests, I made a video owning my white privilege. It was scary, and I feel vulnerable putting it out there. But it is what I need to do to take accountability for where we are. But now that I have, I feel a bit better.

Owning My White Privilege covers a lot of ground

I explain that white privilege is as simple as having the privilege of not being afraid of being murdered by the police.

I also share a painful memory, of a time I was biased and hurtful to a black person. It came from a place of irrational fear. I did not call names or the police, but what I did was unacceptable, and I apologize.

And I offer three Mussar practices, following that soul trait of Silence, that we can do if we want to be part of the solution:

Owning My White Privilege — Jewish Women of Color – from Twitter

1. Own your white privilege if you are white presenting
2. Reach out to people of color to ask how they are. And be ok if they don’t want to answer. It is particularly important to recognize and see Jews of Color.
3. Speak out about your own bias. This could be telling a friend, or just writing in a journal, But we all can and must own our own complicity and hurtful actions in the past.

Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sachs taught that Jews cannot solve anti-semitism. We are the victims of anti-semitism. It needs to be solved by the perpetrators of anti-semitism. Similarly, people of color cannot solve white supremacy. It needs to be solved by people with white skin.

The first step is to admit that having white skin gives us a privilege, if only the privilege of not being killed by the police.

The soul trait of Silence governs when we should speak, and when we should not. To learn more, join us for this week’s Jewish Wisdom for Coping in a Pandemic. The free zoom gathering will focus on Silence.

Originally, this post had an image from Wikimedia commons, showing a postcard of the lynching of three black men in Duluth, MN on June 15th, 1920. It captures the horror I feel about what is happening to people of color in the United States.

Can Mussar Silence Heal The Political Divide?

July 16, 2019 By Greg Marcus 1 Comment

When I was in my twenties, a friend told me I was really religious.

“Really?” I said. “I never go to the synagogue.”

“You are constantly talking about Jewish stuff. During Passover you are obsessed with Matzah.”

Maybe he was on to something. Thirty years later I’m off to Rabbinical school, and right now I’m obsessed with Hebrew. I’m taking an online class, and meeting with a tutor a few times a week on a separate track. I’m learning, but it is exhausting.

And, I’m noticing how often the English translation strays from the Hebrew. For example, in the Reform prayer book, it does not change the Hebrew in the prayers, but gives a translation removing gendered language and softening the role of the Divine. For example, instead of “His people Israel” it will say something like “the Jewish people.”

On the other side of the spectrum, Chabad translates Exodus 15:2 as God’s “strength and vengeance,” whereas most translations say “strength and might.” As context, this is in the Song of the Sea, an ancient poem presented in a special script within the Torah that recounts the drowning of the Egyptians in the Red Sea. Rabbi Janet Marder from Congregation Beth Am explained that the word “vengeance” incorporates an interpretation of this verse from the medieval commentator Rashi.

The words we choose have the power to change the world.

Hebrew has such a sacred place within the Jewish tradition that whomever translates it has tremendous power in how the words will be interpreted. The Hebrew word “Mussar” is translated as “rebuke” in much of the Orthodox word, instead of “guidance” or “discipline” which is much more in line with how we think of Mussar today. Just look at the difference it makes in the following Psalm 1:8

My son, heed the Mussar of your father, And do not forsake the instruction of your mother;

One translation shows an angry and disapproving father; the other two parents providing moral lessons, which is both easier for me to hear and more appropriate to the Mussar project as it stands today.

In a similar way, Jefferson’s word choices for the Declaration of Independence continue to have significant implications for our country. The phrase “all men are created equal” serves both as a beacon to highlight how far we are from living up to its promise, and the opportunity to reimagine it as “all men and women are created equal.”

Which brings us to a Mussar Silence practice we can all try during this time of division within our country

*****Here’s the Mussar Silence Practice*********

Speak respectfully about the other side, or at least do not call them names and make things worse.

Today, our country has political, social and class divisions that in my opinion threaten our future. The stakes are high, with intolerable situations like the immigrant detention camps. Yet if we cannot fight for change without name calling or demonizing our opponents, we will just exacerbate and deepen the spiritual sickness that is killing our nation.

As it says in the Mussar classic Pele Yoetz,“Silence at the time of anger is like water on a fire.” This does not mean to remain silent in the time of injustice. But when it comes to people who disagree with you, speak of the problem and try to get them to agree or disagree on whether it is a problem. Remain silent if you feel the urge to attack them.

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Recently, I almost had to ban one of the most active people on the American Mussar Facebook page. While I agreed with their comments, they were name calling and being unnecessarily harsh, especially when the initial comment was nuanced and reasonable. They removed their comment after I asked them to, although they messaged me that I had shamed them publicly which is also not a proper way to use the power of speech.

This is not easy stuff!

Whether or not you can speak respectfully about people who vote differently from you, I know that we can all at least not dehumanize each other.

Want to understand why it is hard for you to stay silent? Take the Soul Trait Profile Quiz. No email address required.

Silence: A Mussar Practice For Trump Angst

October 16, 2017 By Greg Marcus 18 Comments

Would you like a mussar practice for Trump angst? First a question: If you hate Trump so much, why do you keep talking about him?

I asked that question to a close relative over the weekend. We were sitting together, watching TV when he said, “I am smarter than that guy, referring to a sports expert.” He had a little grin on his face, and from the way he said it, I could tell that he was lampooning Trump’s statement that he was smarter than Secretary of State Rex Tillerson.

In another conversation about the suffering in Puerto Rico, someone said “the problem is that Puerto Rico is an island, surrounded by water.” She looked at me expectantly, with almost a hunger for me to engage.

A few months ago, I posted something on Twitter, and out of the blue someone tweeted the “That explains Trump.” I made no response, and I imagine a great disappointment in the poster that I did not take the bait.

In each case, it appeared that the person was looking for me to justify and feed their anger. I see the exchanges on Facebook all the time. One person rants, and their friends jump in, either agreeing or disagreeing. Everyone is angry.

If this sounds at all like you, let me ask you: Is this the life you want to live? Is this what Judaism teaches us, to feed anger and disaffection? I know, we are supposed to speak out against injustice. But what injustice are we speaking about when we bring up Trump out of the blue to make fun of him? Here, you are just feeding the anger within.

The Talmud teaches “Whosoever yields to anger, if he be a wise man his wisdom leaves him, and if he be a prophet his prophecy leaves him.” (Pesachim 66b). In modern language, the Talmud is saying that when we get angry, we don’t think straight, and we do things we may regret. I know that when I am angry, I say and do some really hurtful things to the people I care most about.

In addition, insulting Trump instead of talking about actual issues amounts to gossip, which in Hebrew is known as lashon ha’ra. The Talmud teaches that harmful speech kills three people – the speaker, the listener, and the one being talked about. Rabbi Joseph Teluskin argues that avoiding gossip allows the speaker and listener to form a closer relationship because they are forced to focus on each other. Thus, when we bring up Trump at random times, we lose an opportunity to really connect and get to know other people. It may feel good to share misery, but it won’t actually make you feel better. And it won’t help you form community.

Instead of giving in to the urge to mock Trump, practice the Soul Trait of Silence. In the Mussar classic Cheshbon Ha’nefesh, Rabbi Menachem Mendel Levin wrote, “Before you open your mouth, be silent and reflect: What benefit will my speech bring to me or others?” One way to begin this Mussar practice is to write Levin’s phrase on an index card or sticky note, and put it on your bed table where you will see it in the morning. Read, chant, and/or contemplate it for a minute to begin your day. This will make you more aware of thoughtless speech in general. Next, stop and reflect before you say anything. As you become more mindful of your speech, you can choose to avoid the mocking speech we discussed above.

Lets consider a world in which you don’t bring up Trump at random times. It opens the door to focus on positive things that bring you energy and joy. I’ve seen it happen again and again – a positive conversation gets derailed into anger, frustration, and cynicism. Instead of allowing your negative side to bring the conversation down with insults, look for an opportunity to bring the conversation up. Staying present and plugged into the world is both empowering and life affirming. After all, our mission is Tikkun Olam, repair of the world. And mocking speech never repaired anything

Mussar has soul traits to help us focus on Tikkun Olam in the face of anger and despair. It is not enough simply to say “No Trump thoughts” or “keep it positive.” A full mussar practice for Trump angst requires a strategy to focus on something else.

Come back next week to read a post on moving from anger to Tikkun Olam.

Want to know which soul traits you need to work on? Take the Soul Trait Profile Quiz.

Mussar Can Open Hearts on the Internet

February 13, 2017 By Greg Marcus 2 Comments

To say that things have gotten nasty on the internet is an understatement. To say that people behave like animals is not as harsh as it sounds. We all have animal instincts, which show up as the evil inclination, that drives us to behave in a selfish, uncaring, and/or fearful way. This is side we see on the Internet – people write harsh and unthinking things, without regard for the impact on others. The Good Inclination is what inspires us to be our best selves, caring of others, and mindful of the impact of our actions on others. And believe it or not, Mussar can open hearts on the internet.

For example, I recently got into it with someone on Twitter* over my letter to the editor in the Forward. I stressed how important it was not to judge and stereotype others. Someone responded on Twitter that they agreed me, and then went on to tweet that Peter Beinart, the author of the article I was refuting, “exists 2 hurt #ISRAEL, & Jews he does not approve of.”

This kind of reaction is just not acceptable, dehumanizing someone with whom you disagree, and deciding that they must hate Israel and other Jews. There was a back and forth, and in the end, something amazing happened. He tweeted “I will say I should learn to tone down my words, u were correct.” We remain connected and in relationship.

Do you want to help improve conversation and connection on social media? Here are three Mussar soul traits you can call on to help you do it.

Mussar Humility: Come clean, occupy your space and remember it’s not about you.

It is important to come clean about one’s own mistakes. In the letter to the editor, I freely admitted my enjoyment at reading criticism of our Orthodox brothers and sisters, and explained how I used that mistake for spiritual growth. Leading by example can disarm someone who could become an opponent, and open the door for reconciliation.

At the same time, you should be ready to occupy the space of calling someone on bad behavior. If not you, who? The key is to do so in light of the soul traits below. And, your job here is not to let hurt feelings about being misunderstood and mischaracterized get in the way of learning about other people.

Mussar Honor: Remember the Divine Spark, and make your comments only after being given permission to do so.

We all have a Divine Spark, occluded by our baggage. That person making the snarky comment has one too. If you keep that idea first and foremost, it will influence the way you address them. They have the right to their opinions, and they have the right to hold positions with which you passionately disagree. Our goal is to elevate the level of discourse, and restore respect. You don’t have to agree, you don’t have to change your mind. But it isn’t ok to just think the person making a snarky comment, or espousing a political position you find abhorrent is a bad person.

In addition, don’t try the technique below with just anyone. You should only ask for someone to moderate their stance if they initiate the conversation with you. In the examples I give above, the people were making comments directly to me on Twitter, or on my Facebook page. They have given permission for a conversation. It is a very different dynamic if you just start responding to someone you hardly know on social media. The point is to build on an existing relationship and opening.

Mussar Silence: Choose your words carefully, for you are helping create the world.

Judaism teaches that God created the world with words, and when we speak, we participate in this act of creation. If you are insure of the Divinity, the point still holds: What we say has a profound impact, and changes reality for both ourselves and those who hear us.

The secret to improving discourse is to ask people one by one to withdraw, moderate, or change their comments. You aren’t asking them to change what they believe, only how they say it. Ask them to take responsibility, and to make a change. For example, someone posted a comment about Hitler and Muslims on the American Mussar Facebook Page. I was direct, writing below his comment, “This is a page to elevate our personal conduct. This link is offensive and inappropriate. You are better than this. Please remove it so I don’t have to.” To my amazement, he not only took down the comment, but replaced it with the picture to the right, wishing me a #ShabbatShalom. Similarly on Twitter, I pointed out that it was dehumanizing to say that Beinart wants to hurt other Jews. It is fine to disagree with him, but don’t dehumanize him.

Mussar Can Open Hearts on the Internet

This method doesn’t always work, but to paraphrase Rabbi Tarfon, we don’t need to complete a hard task, but neither are we free to desist from trying. We need to learn how to heal the divisions within the country and within the Jewish community.

Special shout out to Rabbi Sharon Brous who helped me recognize the power of the 1:1 approach after her talk at my synagogue. She explained how prophets who run naked through the streets and scream at the top of their lungs are ignored, but 1:1, thoughtful conversations can change hearts and minds. Listen to her teaching and get the handouts here.

Want to start your own Mussar journey? Take the Soul Trait Profile Quiz now.