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Trans Outing on Survivor: a Mussar Practice Lesson

April 18, 2017 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BXqrOSNKn0

If you are a Survivor fan, you already watched the tribal council when Jeff outed Zeke as a transgender man, arguing that Zeke’s secrecy made him untrustworthy. This tribal council represents a rare opportunity to glean a Mussar practice lesson from a complicated and painful human experience. I was stunned, not only because it was a cruel and dangerous thing to do, but because I am practicing the Mussar Soul Trait of Silence this week. Silence governs when we should speak and when we shouldn’t. Of course you don’t need Mussar to know that Jeff should have stayed Silent. But what Mussar can teach us is how to process the entire experience.

Mussar Practice Lesson 1: The Evil Inclination will lead you hurt others to save yourself

Remember that the Evil Inclination represents our survival instincts. Because Varner was facing elimination, he allowed his survival instincts to override his conscience. The EI operates in the subconscious, and provides a wealth of rationalizations to justify bad behavior.

Varner: “I feel horrible about it, I’m just trying everything I can”

Ozzie “Jeff, you should be ashamed of yourself for what you are willing to do for a million dollars.”

Probst: “You are saying there is no line. If I am desparate enough, I will do or say anything.”

Mussar Practice Lesson 2: The Evil inclination will lead you to rationalize your decisions

Varner:”I thought he was out and proud and loud about [being trans].” (5:30)

Others did not buy Varner’s argument

Sarah: If you thought that, why did you make a point of everyone had to know it.”

Probst: “You can’t have it both ways, to say he was deceptive, and then immediately say he was out and proud of it.”

Sarah: “That was a malicious attack”

Varner: “There was no malice in it. … I don’t treat people that way. … I don’t want you to paint me as something I’m not.”

Mussar Practice Lesson 3: We can have Compassion for someone who has messed up, even as we deliver consequences.

The cast member Tai, who is gay, was crying and upset when Varner outed Zeke. Yet he still showed compassion for Varner a few minutes later when he put his hand on Varner’s back as he wept. Tai at one point said, “I can understand he was desperate, and crossed a line that he didn’t realize he did.” This is the soul trait of compassion in action, feeling what another person feels, and seeing it from their point of view. And he presented compassion in balance, and did not let Varner off the hook.

Mussar Practice Lesson 4: Humility helps you through a crisis

Zeke showed amazing Humility, in that he seems to know who he is. While visibly upset, he didn’t go to pieces, apologize, or point fingers. And, he explained why he didn’t tell anyone. (8:08)

Transitioning is a long and difficult process. There are people who know. I stopped telling people, because it becomes who you are … and overwhelms everything else that they know about you…I didn’t want to be the trans survivor player, I wanted to be Zeke the survivor player. … So I think I’m ok.”

Jeff Probst also displayed amazing Humility balance, occupying his space by keeping control of a very emotional and raw conversation.

Learn more about Humility Here.

Mussar Practice Lesson 5: Good Can come out of bad situations.

The soul trait of Gratitude teaches that we should give thanks for the bad, because often there is a unique opportunity that comes out of awful things. Varner’s behavior was awful, yet something amazing happened.

Sarah Lacina explained her personal growth (11:15):

Sarah: “I’m thankful that I got to know Zeke for who Zeke is. I’m from the midwest. I come from a super conservative background. It’s not very diverse when it comes to gay and lesbian and transgender … I’m not exposed to it like most of these people are. The fact that I can love this guy so much and it doesn’t change anything for me makes me realize that I’ve grown huge as a person… the metamorphosis that I’ve made as a person that I didn’t realize I made until this moment is invaluable. I’m sorry it came out that way, but I’m glad it did. I’m glad I got to know you as Zeke, and I’ll never look at you this way.”

And then Zeke was equally amazing. (12:00)

Zeke: “I’m certainly not someone who should be a role model for anyone else, but maybe there is someone who is a survivor fan and me being out on the show helps him or her or someone else. Maybe this will lead to a greater good.”

Probst: “Tonight was a complicated, but ultimately beautiful night, that will never be forgotten.”

Mussar Practice Lesson 6: We all have a choice

The reason why this was powerful, and ultimately positive experience was the choices that people made. Zeke’s tribe members chose to immediately speak out in his defense. They could have acted with revulsion at the news that Zeke was trans – I suspect that the North Carolina legislature would have voted him out on the spot, using the “deception” as a fig leaf to cover their prejudiced actions. Each and every one of us has a choice when faced with injustice. In fact, we face Choice Points all the time, where we have an opportunity to follow the influence of the Good Inclination or the Evil Inclination. In this Survivor episode, we saw one person make a very bad choice, and many more people make good choices.

Mussar practice requires knowledge of who you are. What Soul Traits hold you back? Take the Soul Trait Profile Quiz to find out. Click here to take the quiz.

Why Did Sanders Supporters Ignore Truth and Share Fake News?

March 24, 2017 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

Recently, I read a story that described a systematic effort to plant false news stories in Facebook groups of Sander’s supporters during the 2016 general election campaign. While the details and politics of this effort are beyond the scope here, what particularly interests me is what happened when someone discovered the deceptions, and tried to inform other people in the group. They were shunned and ostracized, accused of being a “Hillbot” and in some cases kicked out of the group. You can read the story here. Why did Sanders supporters ignore Truth?

There is an important Mussar less for us about the Soul Trait of Truth. It took me a while to sort it out, because Truth teaches that falsehood has no legs, and if you supply untruths, people will no longer believe you. Yet these statements seem to have little bearing on what actually happened. In the long run of course, these falsehoods were ultimately uncovered. But in the short run, they may have had their intended impact, making Sanders supporters less likely to vote for Clinton.

Some people were so insistent about sharing these obviously fake news stories that they where kicked out of the Facebook groups by the moderator. The fake news stories ranged from “the Clinton-has-Parkinson’s conspiracy to the Clinton-is-running-a-pedophilia-ring-out-of-a-pizza-shop conspiracy.” Pedophilia ring? Seriously? Mussar provides two answers to help us understand why Sanders supporters ignored Truth.

First, the fake news was feeding into anger they already felt. For example, many Sanders supporters were livid that the DNC was biased for Clinton. Anger lies within the realm of the evil inclination, and when the evil inclination is aroused, we become susceptible to manipulation. As Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto wrote in the Path of the Just, “One who the evil inclination holds in bondage either does not see the truth, or fails to recognize it when he beholds it, for the evil inclination literally renders a man so blind that he becomes like one that gropes in the dark and stumbles over the obstacles which he does not see.” (Path of the Just chapter 3).

This realization holds an important lesson for all of us: who has not gotten angry and had their judgment impaired? When you were in the midst of that anger, were you even aware that your judgment was off? The key mistake the Sanders supporters made was to share this fake news without discernment. And, they ignored evidence that the news was fake.

The second reason comes from Proverbs:

“Fools see their own way as right, but the wise listen to advice.” Proverbs 12:15
“A fool gives vent to all his feelings, but the wise, thinking of afterwards, stills them.” Proverbs 29:11
To answer someone before hearing him out is both stupid and embarrassing. Proverbs 18:13

Do you get the gist of the point I am making? These people were acting like fools, allowing their evil inclination to incite them to participate in the perpetuation of a falsehood. Some of you might rightly think this is a harsh assessment. Nevertheless, I stand by the assertion. People who ignored evidence that they were sharing fake news were acting like fools.

At the same time, who among us has never acted like a fool? I know I have, more often than I’d care to admit. The more asleep we are, stumbling in darkness & ruled by our emotions, the more we’ll find ourselves acting the fool.

One Mussar practice to counter the danger of passing on false information comes from Rabbi M. M. Levin, who wrote “Do not allow anything to pass your lips that you are not certain is completely true.” (Chesbon HaNefesh chapter 12). Were Facebook and Twitter available in the 19^th century when Levin wrote his classic, he undoubtedly would have included a picture of an unfortunate retweet with embarrassing consequences. This lesson is so important, and so counter to the prevailing culture in the world today, that it bears repeating: Do not allow anything to pass your lips that you are not certain is completely true.

What would it take for you to meet this very high bar? What is one step you can take today to move in this direction? I’ll be honest, it becomes a lot easier with a dedicated Mussar practice. Start your practice now by taking the Soul Trait Profile Quiz.

Did Warren Beatty Need Mussar at the Oscars?

February 27, 2017 By Greg Marcus 4 Comments

Did you watch the Oscars? Even if you didn’t, you probably heard that there was a colossal error: The wrong winner for best picture was announced. It was a surreal moment – in the middle of his acceptance speech, the producer of La La Land suddenly said “Moonlight won, this isn’t a joke.”

It was a real stunner, and a real bummer. Warren Beatty, who along with Faye Dunaway made the announcement, explained what happened. Apparently, he was handed the wrong envelope, and it read “Emma Stone, La La Land.” He looked in the envelop, read slowly, and was understandably confused. In hindsight, he could have said “Hey, something doesn’t seem right. Let me check backstage to make sure this is correct.” It raises the question: Did Warren Beatty Need Mussar at the Oscars?

Mussar teaches us to be in the moment, and perhaps if Beatty were a practitioner, he would have behaved differently. Maybe he would have called on the Soul Trait of Enthusiasm to overcome his paralysis and run over to the side to check with someone backstage. Or maybe he would have called on Equanimity to have the presence of mind to ask someone to come double check right there on live TV. But of course Mussar is not a practice for us to back seat drive other people’s lives.

The question for me is why am I obsessed with this mistake on an awards show? I feel badly for the cast and crew of La La Land, who thought for a moment that they won the big one. And I feel badly for the Moonlight folks whose moment in the sun was tarnished. Then I remind myself – no one here is suffering too badly. Everyone made a great movie, and both movies won Oscars and recognition.

The Soul Trait being activated for me is Order – I like things to happen the way they are supposed to happen. When they don’t, I am bothered. I’m reminded of the mistake I made at my Bar Mitzvah that haunted me for years. And I’m reminded of when my grandmother touched the chuppah and it went crashing over at my wedding. My grandmother was fine – she rightly put the responsibility on the planners who had an unstable design. But I was bothered.

To quote David Byrne “Things fall apart; it’s scientific.” I’ll take this an an opportunity to remind myself to be a bit more flexible, and a bit more forgiving when things don’t go to plan.

Where do you come down on the spectrum of Order? Do you get stressed when things deviate from your expectations? If you are like me in that respect, we can both practice a bit of Trust, remembering that things usually work out in the end. And when they don’t go according to plan, sometimes something wonderful and unexpected emerges.

Please comment below.

Want to start your own Mussar journey? Click here to take the Soul Trait Profile Quiz now. In just 5 minutes, you’ll get an idea of what is causing you to get stuck, and where you can focus to bring balance and healing.

Mussar Can Open Hearts on the Internet

February 13, 2017 By Greg Marcus 2 Comments

To say that things have gotten nasty on the internet is an understatement. To say that people behave like animals is not as harsh as it sounds. We all have animal instincts, which show up as the evil inclination, that drives us to behave in a selfish, uncaring, and/or fearful way. This is side we see on the Internet – people write harsh and unthinking things, without regard for the impact on others. The Good Inclination is what inspires us to be our best selves, caring of others, and mindful of the impact of our actions on others. And believe it or not, Mussar can open hearts on the internet.

For example, I recently got into it with someone on Twitter* over my letter to the editor in the Forward. I stressed how important it was not to judge and stereotype others. Someone responded on Twitter that they agreed me, and then went on to tweet that Peter Beinart, the author of the article I was refuting, “exists 2 hurt #ISRAEL, & Jews he does not approve of.”

This kind of reaction is just not acceptable, dehumanizing someone with whom you disagree, and deciding that they must hate Israel and other Jews. There was a back and forth, and in the end, something amazing happened. He tweeted “I will say I should learn to tone down my words, u were correct.” We remain connected and in relationship.

Do you want to help improve conversation and connection on social media? Here are three Mussar soul traits you can call on to help you do it.

Mussar Humility: Come clean, occupy your space and remember it’s not about you.

It is important to come clean about one’s own mistakes. In the letter to the editor, I freely admitted my enjoyment at reading criticism of our Orthodox brothers and sisters, and explained how I used that mistake for spiritual growth. Leading by example can disarm someone who could become an opponent, and open the door for reconciliation.

At the same time, you should be ready to occupy the space of calling someone on bad behavior. If not you, who? The key is to do so in light of the soul traits below. And, your job here is not to let hurt feelings about being misunderstood and mischaracterized get in the way of learning about other people.

Mussar Honor: Remember the Divine Spark, and make your comments only after being given permission to do so.

We all have a Divine Spark, occluded by our baggage. That person making the snarky comment has one too. If you keep that idea first and foremost, it will influence the way you address them. They have the right to their opinions, and they have the right to hold positions with which you passionately disagree. Our goal is to elevate the level of discourse, and restore respect. You don’t have to agree, you don’t have to change your mind. But it isn’t ok to just think the person making a snarky comment, or espousing a political position you find abhorrent is a bad person.

In addition, don’t try the technique below with just anyone. You should only ask for someone to moderate their stance if they initiate the conversation with you. In the examples I give above, the people were making comments directly to me on Twitter, or on my Facebook page. They have given permission for a conversation. It is a very different dynamic if you just start responding to someone you hardly know on social media. The point is to build on an existing relationship and opening.

Mussar Silence: Choose your words carefully, for you are helping create the world.

Judaism teaches that God created the world with words, and when we speak, we participate in this act of creation. If you are insure of the Divinity, the point still holds: What we say has a profound impact, and changes reality for both ourselves and those who hear us.

The secret to improving discourse is to ask people one by one to withdraw, moderate, or change their comments. You aren’t asking them to change what they believe, only how they say it. Ask them to take responsibility, and to make a change. For example, someone posted a comment about Hitler and Muslims on the American Mussar Facebook Page. I was direct, writing below his comment, “This is a page to elevate our personal conduct. This link is offensive and inappropriate. You are better than this. Please remove it so I don’t have to.” To my amazement, he not only took down the comment, but replaced it with the picture to the right, wishing me a #ShabbatShalom. Similarly on Twitter, I pointed out that it was dehumanizing to say that Beinart wants to hurt other Jews. It is fine to disagree with him, but don’t dehumanize him.

Mussar Can Open Hearts on the Internet

This method doesn’t always work, but to paraphrase Rabbi Tarfon, we don’t need to complete a hard task, but neither are we free to desist from trying. We need to learn how to heal the divisions within the country and within the Jewish community.

Special shout out to Rabbi Sharon Brous who helped me recognize the power of the 1:1 approach after her talk at my synagogue. She explained how prophets who run naked through the streets and scream at the top of their lungs are ignored, but 1:1, thoughtful conversations can change hearts and minds. Listen to her teaching and get the handouts here.

Want to start your own Mussar journey? Take the Soul Trait Profile Quiz now.

Time To Leave Your Post Election Cave

January 26, 2017 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

As you may know, after the election, I stopped reading the news and in many ways went into a cave. It was not a very Jewish thing to do. Unfortunately, we do not have the luxury of checking out and ignoring the world. To quote Rabbi Yisroel Salanter, the founder of the 19th Century Mussar Movement, “One who lives a life of tranquility in the service of God knows nothing about true service.” As I wrote in my book, this quote really gobsmacked me when I first read it. But I came to understand that the point is that our job on this planet is to make the world a better place. And we can’t do that if we are focused on being blissed out all the time. Even if you are unsure of the Divinity, the point still applies.

In my own defense, it was a tough time for me. As I wrote previously, my father had a stroke in late October, and I was pretty shattered by the whole experience. Thank you if you were one of many who reached out over the months to ask how he was doing. I am happy to report that he finally came home a few weeks ago, and is doing much much better. Still lots of rehab work to do, but being at home with his wife and cat has been a big moral boost. Sometimes we need to withdraw to take care of ourselves, and when it is over, we need to get back in the game.

A friend of mine last week said that after the inauguration was a great time to leave your post election cave. He was referring to the literal sense, of coming out and reengaging in life. Neither of us is happy about the outcome, but this is the world and we need to live in it.

I immediately thought of the cave on a metaphorical level. Plato wrote that most people live life as if they were chained in a cave, and could only look at shadows of the real world on the wall. Very few people can break free of those chains and see the world the way it really is. Wow, does that fit the world today. We can’t agree on the facts, and the media seems helpless to take a stand over what is True. That is a post for another day.

On a personal level, I am working on the Soul Trait of Watchfulness. It is very much Jewish Mindfulness, watching oneself, and trying to see life the way it really is. That is a key part of Mussar – and Jewishness – to see the world the way it really is, and to jump in to close the gap with the way it could be. There is no closing in the gap while huddled in a cave, watching shadows on the wall, wringing our hands, or preaching to or listening to the chorus.

How Awake do you think you are? How much are you watching shadows versus striving to see the underlying reality beyond what is being shown to you?

Comment below and let me know.