American Mussar

21st century Jewish spiritual practice for an authentic and meaningful life

How To Wait In Line Like a Mensch

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Wait In Line Like a Mensch
Which of these people are waiting in line like a mensch?

I am writing today from the DMV, while I wait for my daughter to take her learners permit test. The DMV is the great equalizer –everyone needs to go there. And when we go, waiting in line is inevitable.

At one point, I stood on my tippy toes to peak over the wall to see how many testing computers there were. “Dad, be patient!” my daughter said with exasperation.

“But I am being patient,” I thought. “I’m not ruminating or raging. I was just curious to see how many testing machines there are.”

“OK,” I said. I know better than to get into it with a teen. And really, she had a point. I was wondering how many computers there were, because the line just wasn’t moving.

Patience, like all soul traits, lives on a spectrum from too little to too much. Too little patience and we are angry and frustrated; too much and we are staying in bad situations without taking action. My peaking over the top was perhaps a strategy to try to deal with rising impatience. All of this makes me wonder:

How does one wait in line like a mensch?

When we wait in line, we have three options.

  • Wait with suffering and impatience.
  • Wait with indifference, zoning out or snacking on phone content.
  • Wait with connection and meaning.

There are no right or wrong answers per se. But if we want to wait in line like a mensch, we take the opportunity to make the most of the moment. A mussar practice comes to mind.

****Here’s the Mussar Practice***

Wait in line with a sense of wonder. As you wait, look around and try to find cool and interesting things.

The world is full of wonders and miracles, but we take our little hand and we cover our eyes and see nothing.” – The Baal Shem Tov

I tried this practice today, and it wasn’t easy. The DMV does not exactly present a feast for the eyes. Yet I was able to see some interesting patterns on the wall, and all kinds of different people. I wondered what their stories were. A few years ago, I would seek out longer lines, and say the Patience mantra “This too shall pass, and I have the strength to get by until it does.” Now that I don’t get frustrated waiting like I used to, this feels like the next challenge for me.

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R. Dov Ber of Radoshitz would waken his roommates with the call “Wake up, my brothers! A guest you’ve never seen has arrived. Once he leaves, you will never see him again. [Who is the guest?] Today.” I was going to spend two hours at the DMV no matter what. Instead of just hoping the time would pass as quickly as possible, why not try to make the most of the moment?

This is a Mussar Practice for Enthusiasm. B”en Azzai would say: “Run to pursue a minor mitzvah , and flee from a transgression. For a mitzvah brings another mitzvah, and a transgression brings another transgression.” (Pirkei Avot 4:2).

Life is the sum total of many minor moments, and a few major ones. Elevating the minor moments like waiting in line can add up to huge changes over time. If we can find meaning in the DMV, how much more so will we find in situations that inherently have more opportunities for meaning and connection?

As it happens, the DMV was the DMV. We were sent to the wrong line when we arrived. After two hours, we were told that we needed to come back with different paperwork. It was not a waste of time.

Where do you sit on the ladder of waiting in line? Reply below and let me know.

How To Carry A Box Like A Mensch

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Was it haughtiness of spirit to put this box on a stranger’s car?

In the last post, How To Dress Like a Mensch, I wrote about “haughtiness of the spirit.” As you may recall, I was teased by a friend for wearing shorts to a board meeting. A few days later, I read “He who walks in the marketplace with his shoes unlaced is among those who are of haughty spirit.” It made me realize that I displayed a “haughty spirit” by not dressing respectfully.” Not the end of the world, but also not behavior for one who aspires to be more like a mensch.

This week I was yelled at for putting a large cardboard box on top of a stranger’s car in a parking lot. “Its just a cardboard box with a pillow in it,” I said. “It won’t hurt anything.”

“You are rude and inconsiderate,” the man answered. He walked off after that. Although I was taken aback, and really didn’t think I had done anything wrong, I gave it more thought in the context of a haughty spirit. Maybe “He who places a cardboard box on someone else’s car in a parking lot” displays haughtiness of spirit.

I wasn’t sure, so I created a poll on the American Mussar Facebook page. The results were definitive, 11 to 4 in favor of haughtiness. The comments were particularly enlightening.

One person wrote, “As a fairly introverted person, I am very protective of my personal space…including my car.” The soul trait of Humility is all about occupying the right amount of space, as Alan Morinis wrote in Everyday Holiness “ Occupy a rightful space, neither too much nor too little.” It looks like I had occupied too much space.

Another person wrote that my action was “not respectful nor considerate.” This is a violation of the soul trait of Honor, which teaches us to focus on the Divine Spark of others. I was insufficiently respectful of other people.

I even brought this example up with my study partner. We discussed it for 15 minutes. It is a great example of a Mussar choice point, a true grey area. It wasn’t like I dumped a soda on the car, which would be obviously rude. Nor was it bumping the car as I opened the door, which would have been trivial. We decided to give Enthusiasm props to the person who called me out, for “running to do good” to defend his friend’s car.

Fundamentally though, this is about the Soul Trait of Order.

In that spirit, I invite you to try a Mussar practice

****Here’s the Mussar Practice***

Be mindful of where you put things down. When you put things down, think about whose space it is. Is it a common space at work or home? It is someone else’s space? Is it where the thing goes, or are you just throwing it anywhere? Have you put the dish on your coffee table, where it will live for the next two days, or did you take the time to bring it to the kitchen and clean it? Are the clothes just thrown on the floor at night, or did you put them in the laundry?

And you may be on the other end of the spectrum of Order – are you creating anxiety for yourself by being too controlling about how things should proceed?

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Remember, each one of us has what it takes to be a Mensch, a person of outstanding character. Mussar teaches us how to become more like a Mensch by taking small, mindful actions in everyday life. Where we put things is part of that process.

In the Mussar classic Cheshbon Ha’Nefesh, Rabbi Menachem Mendel Lefin wrote, “All your actions and possessions should be orderly – each and every one in a set place and set time. Let your thoughts always be free to deal with that which lies ahead of you.”

By practicing Order in this way, we can make sure that we are not impinging on another’s space. At the same time, if we become too focused on Order, we can be making others conform to overly rigid preferences, in effect taking up too much space.

Making mindful choices about where you put things opens the door to balance and healing in order, and other soul traits like Humility and Honor.

Give this practice a try, and come back and let us know how it goes.

Want to know where you need more work to be more like a mensch? Take the Soul Trait Quiz.

Meet These Super Inclusive Orthodox Rabbis

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This week I watched one of the most loving and connecting Torah study videos I have ever seen. It is a conversation between Rabbi Shmuly Yanklowitz and Rabbi Uri Topolosky. They are two liberal Orthodox Rabbis who are focusing on Religious plurality. There are Mussar lessons for all of us who wish to be more inclusive.

The key to religious plurality is a healthy dose of balance across multiple soul traits. And it stems from What Rabbi Uri calls The Torah of Uncertainty. Here are Five Mussar Practice Lessons I gleaned from the video.

  1. The Torah of Uncertainty comes from the first of the Ten Commandments, which reads “I am the Lord your God.” The Hebrew word for “I” is unusual in this case, and includes an extra letter that introduces uncertainty. The lesson for us is to remember that only the Divine One knows everything. When we practice the soul trait of Truth (EMET) we cannot be too certain.  We need to leave room for the perspective of others.
  2. When we practice Awe of the Divine, we need to stay to the middle way. We should not be so uncertain that we believe that anything goes. At the same time, we need to be mindful that we can’t be so certain of our view of what the Divine wants or teaches.  Rather, we need to be mindful of our own path. Late in video, they return to this idea in a wonderful conversation about the burning bush. As you may recall, Moses sees a bush that burns but is not consumed. Rav Shmuly relates that we don’t want to have no fire, and equally we don’t want to be so on fire with a zeal for the Divine that we burn  burn everyone around us. This is a Mussar practice  of we can enbrace – to act with a fire that does not consume us.
  3. Rabbi Uri shared a Midrash (story) about crossing the Red Sea (8:30). When the waters parted, there were 12 paths that split in the sea, one for each of the 12 tribes. This suggests there are multiple paths to the same destination. Moreover, the Midrash teaches there were windows in the walls. When you walk your path, recognize that others are walking a path that is different but equally valid as yours. This reminds us to practice Honor (Kavod), to respect the ideas of others.
  4. Rabbi Uri shared a personal story of a time when he was leading an Orthodox service on Rosh Hashanah in a chapel of a Reform synagogue after their space was destroyed by Hurricane Katrina. . During a silent moment of the Orthodox service, the woman Cantor hit a high note in the Reform service. While his first reaction was “This isn’t proper for an Orthodox service,” the smiles of everyone in the room reminded him that they all felt grateful for the love in the Reform Jewish community for giving them a space of their own. When we are less certain of our Truth, we are more open to the Mussar practice of Gratitude.
  5. This beautiful teaching closes talking about learning from everyone, and the practice of Hitlamdut.  “an attitude of engaged curiosity and openness to learning throughout our lives.”  The less certain we are of what we know, the more we will be able to learn from others. This is the essence of Mussar practice.

Ben Zoma said, “What is wise? One who learns from anyone.” (Pirkei Avot 4:1). While it may not be a stretch to learn from a Rabbi, it is an absolute pleasure to learn from Rabbi Shmuly Yanklowitz and Rabbi Uri Topolosky. I can say with certainty that this lesson of the Torah of Uncertainty will stay with me for a long time.

How does the Torah of Uncertainty apply in your life? Which Mussar Practice resonates with you? Please share below.

 

How I Beat Overwhelm With Jewish Wisdom

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Beat Overwhelm With Jewish Wisdom
Rabbi Sarah Weissman, my friend and mentor

This year of living distractedly continues for me. Lots of moving parts in my life, from mom’s health issues, travel, and prepping to launch a kiddo to college. My mind is filled with so many ideas, but I have been blocked about putting fingers to keys. The sense of overwhelm keeps coming in, and my mind  flits around and nothing gets done. And no, I don’t count the updates on Facebook, or the articles in the Forward/Tablet that I read online.

One source of joy and stability for me has been Jewish events and networking. Three days at the Limmud Bay Area Festival 2018 were just wonderful. I facilitated a session called Jewish Wisdom For Stress Free Parenting. It was magical – about 14 people that included an Orthodox woman nursing an 8 month old, 2 twenty something brothers without kids, a mom and her teen son, grandparents, fathers.

Having us all come together and share something was anything but overwhelming – it was peaceful. I am very grateful to my friend Estee Solomon Gray for both introducing me to Limmud, and all of the work she put in over the years to make the event successful.

Last weekend my wife and I went to the Beth Am Asilomar Retreat. It was a wonderful weekend of Jewish learning and Jewish community. I had a revelation while Rabbi Sarah Weissman was teaching us Talmud: Many people say that I am a very good facilitator.  I realized that when I am facilitating, I am channeling Rabbi Sarah’s method – there is never a wrong answer, no matter how “out there” a comment might seem at first glance. She infuses enthusiasm, creativity, and insight in the groups she facilitates, and we all walk away feeling empowered. I thanked Rabbi Sarah, and we had a nice chat. In those moments of conversation, I was anything but overwhelmed.

This experience inspired me to share a Mussar Practice. With it, you too can beat overwhelm with Jewish Wisdom.

****Here’s the Practice****

Speak in the name of someone. Pirkei Avot 6:6 lists 48 ways of acquiring Torah. One is “Saying a thing in the name of one who said it.”  Or put another way, give credit where credit is due. This practice reminds us not take for granted the good things in the world. They often have an origin, and in fact a person who brought them about. It also is a way to remind us that we did not get where we are on our own. Recognizing those who taught us, even small things, is a path towards both connection and order in the universe.

Take a few moments to think about some of your “go to moves” that make you successful. Who did you learn them from? Find a way to thank that person, and name them to others. For example, be sure to let people know whose recipe you are using, or who taught you the technique that helped you solve a problem at work.

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In each of the stories I shared above, connecting with others was a path out of overwhelm. And what better way to connect with others than to recognize a teacher? In Pirkei Avot 1:6, Yehoshua ben Perachia says, “Make for yourself a mentor, acquire for yourself a friend and judge every person as meritorious.”

Speaking in the name of your teacher is a step on the path for friendship and mentorship. And if your teacher is no longer alive, you make their memory a blessing by invoking their name with what they taught you.

Please begin this practice by sharing the name of a teacher below, and what they taught you.

Procrastination Is Stingy: A Generosity Mussar Practice

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generosity Mussar practice
Being generous with time gets over the stinginess of procrastination

Procrastination is Stingy? How does procrastination lead us to a Generosity Mussar Practice?

Yes, procrastination is stingy. I’ll tell you why in a moment, but first a story.

Yesterday I sent an email to over 100 people who donated to a crowdfunding campaign I ran two years ago to raise money to create a Mussar app. After almost a year of delays and excuses, the company I hired went out of business, taking with it everyone’s money and leaving behind only some design documents. Shame and sorrow kept me from telling everyone for months. I felt like I screwed up by hiring the wrong company, so I procrastinated about sending an update to the funders. Now that I have, it feels like a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders. How does this relate to a generosity Mussar practice?

I am in month three of a year working on my shadow soul traits as part of a Chaborah class from The Mussar Insititute. In our first meeting on Stinginess, we discussed the expectation on a person who receives a request for help.

My mind flashed back to the evening before. I has asked someone for help, and we were scheduled to meet to discuss the issue. Then for the second time, they sent me an email postponing the meeting for two weeks. I was furious. Having already spent a month working on Anger, I had a few tools to work with. I realized that I was mad because I was feeling devalued. But I knew this person is a good friend who highly values me – it was just a matter of it not being a priority for them, and being a priority for me.

When I get mad, I’ve learned to ask for help before responding, and then to focus on asking for what I need. Therefore, I sent them an email back, explaining that I had a project waiting on the answer, and I needed a yes or no. I asked to meet sooner than two weeks, and low and behold they went ahead and met with me. Now we are getting to the Generosity Mussar Practice.

With this incident fresh in my mind, our Mussar group started to wrestle with the question of what is expected from someone who receives a request for help. I then thought of all the times when someone asked me to do something I didn’t want to do. I didn’t want to say no and I certainly didn’t want to say yes. So more often than not, I procrastinated, and didn’t give a response. Or I would give a tepid response, and in effect stringing the other person along. I started to wonder if the people I was not responding to felt the way I had the night before, when my request was not being answered.

Now one might say, “But the reason I am not giving an answer is that I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. Or because I am afraid that they won’t like me if I say no, or I’ll be a bad person if I say no. Doesn’t that make it ok?” The answer is no, none of those rationalizations make it ok. Such people pleasing arises from a spiritual imbalance in multiple soul traits. Humility imbalance leads to a feeling of not being enough; Honor imbalance underestimates the other’s ability to find an alternate source of help, and the overall anxiety and uncertainty indicated a lack of Trust.

The Mussar lesson taught that a closed hand in stinginess is a symptom of a closed heart. One who is stingy keeps too much to themselves, and does’t share with others. When I procrastinate, and don’t answer others who are making a request of me, I am being stingy with my answer, and my heart is closed to the impact of the delay on the other person.

Thus comes the answer to the question: When someone comes to me and makes a request, I am obliged to give an answer promptly.

****Here’s the Generosity Mussar Practice***

Give prompt answers. Yes or no is all that is required of you. Don’t hold on to your answer. When someone honors you with a request for help, pay them promptly  with a respectful response.”

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As it says in the Torah “The wages of a laborer shall not remain with you until morning.” (Leviticus 19:13). While this commandment is generally thought to apply to paying laborers promptly, it has a similar flavor to giving a prompt response to a request. Just as one might withhold payment out of stinginess, withholding of a “yes or no” is also a form of stinginess. If this reference doesn’t resonate for you, perhaps “Love your fellow as yourself” (Leviticus 19:18) will.

After all, no one likes to be left in limbo.

Does this generosity Mussar practice resonate with you? Please leave a comment below.

Want to know what parts of your soul lead you to procrastination or stinginess? Take the Soul Trait Quiz now?

Want to learn more about Mussar? Click here.