American Mussar

21st century Jewish spiritual practice for an authentic and meaningful life

Does Time Off Make You Stressed Out? Gratitude Can Help

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Time Off Make You Stressed OutAt long last: A week off! No classes, no internship, no deadlines. And as a result, I’m really stressed out. I find myself pulled into the future, wondering about classes for next year, how to fill gaps I have in service leading, and planning for a return as student Rabbi to the synagogue where I interned.

Some of this may be a rebound from a high octane trip to LA, which featured lots of time with my friends from school and my first in person ordination. After returning from such a great experience, it isn’t always easy to get back into the routine of everyday life. As mindfulness master Jack Kornfield wrote, “After the Ecstasy, The Laundry.” I was so annoyed when I first heard that teaching. I always hoped a vacation and great time would spill over into a greater feeling of satisfaction throughout life. Alas, things don’t work that way.

To help get myself back into the moment, I’m turning to this week’s soul trait: Gratitude. Last week we began exploring Gratitude, focusing on the importance of “enoughness.” You can see the recording here. This is an important first step. Reminding myself that I am enough, even as I work on building professional competencies is important.

In addition, Rabbi Bachya ibn Pakuda taught that people do not feel gratitude because they become preoccupied with worldly things, and therefore miss out on many opportunities to experience joy. Therefore, I’ll build some time for mindful fun and joy into the week. I am playing some games I like, but it feels a bit more like numbing than actual enjoyment. Time to remedy that!

Do you see a difference between an enjoyable and a numbing activity? Please comment and let me know. I reply to every comment. 

Photo by Avi Richards on Unsplash

15 Minutes of Gratitude Could Change Your Life

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gratitude could change your life
Gratitude could change your life

“Things are good”

So said one of the participants in last week’s Jewish Wisdom For Coping with a Pandemic gathering. We were focused on Truth, and with a partner, we tried to look at the Truth of our lives, with an eye out for what is good. 

She acknowledged that she had not touched another human being for months because of the pandemic, and that she missed her community. Yet she was ok and could do what she needed to from her home. The realization was on empowering for her, and an inspiration for all of us. (You can see it here).

As we approach Thanksgiving, there are invited to look for the good in our lives. 2020 has been one of the hardest and saddest of my life. I lost my mother to Covid, and yet I’ve tried not to lose the whole year. There have been real moments of joy, community and connection. 

This Thanksgiving, will you join me in taking the 15 minute Gratitude challenge? Carve out 15 minutes for yourself, and sit with a journal or a piece of paper. Start a timer, and write down everything in your life that you are grateful for. When I first did this in 2016, it was absolutely transformative. Before I started, I reviewed some key teachings about Gratitude that helped me a great deal.

Mussar teaches that Gratitude is the ability to recognize the good in any situation, and to give thanks. Thus, we are enjoined to be grateful for both good and bad things that happen to us. The latter can be a challenge. For example, when we are in shock over unexpectedly losing our job, and the mortgage payment is coming due, it may be hard to feel grateful. With the fullness of time we may end up with a better job, or being home may allow us to reconnect with our friends and family. Thus, in the moment, we can be grateful that we have an opportunity to spend our time doing other things. In addition, Mussar teaches us to be grateful for inanimate things. For example, right now I am Grateful to the nice lazy boy that supports me in comfort as I write to you. Not only that, I nap regularly in this chair with a cat on my lap.

In the 11th century Mussar classic Duties of the Heart, Rabbi   ibn Paquda teaches that there are three things that keep us from being grateful.

  1. We become too occupied with material things. For example, we want the very latest iPhone, and forget how useful the version we already have is.
  2. We take things for granted. Here, we fail to recognize the bounty of everyday blessings, like a comfortable bed, a safe neighborhood, and being alive.
  3. We focus on the negative. We tend to focus on mistakes people make, and the small hurts we receive from loved ones, and don’t notice the positives they do for us.

Before you start, write the three barriers to gratitude at the top of your paper. Then write down the three categories of things we should be grateful for. As a reminder they are:

  1. Good things
  2. Bad things (by finding the good in them)
  3. Inanimate things

Then, start the clock and write your list of things to be grateful for. As you are working on your list, try to overcome each of the objections, and remember to write down things in each of the categories to be grateful for. Don’t stop writing until the timer reaches 15 minutes. Some people find it very hard to write for the entire time. Frankly, this is what I expected to happen to me the first time I tried it.

In contrast, I was quite amazed to discover that at 15 minutes, I wasn’t done. I kept writing for another ten minutes! In those final minutes, I started to feel a sense of calm, peace, and fulfillment. I was amazed, because prior the the exercise I was feeling a bit restless and fretful. When I was done, I was filled with energy and confidence. I still feel the residue of the experience a day later.

So did that change my life? Heck Yah! Even had I only felt those positive feelings for part of a day, that in itself is life changing. Yes, making your today better is life changing. And I have the opportunity to keep making my today better each and every day. Beyond that, I know that I filled almost four pages in my journal of things to be grateful for. When I have such abundance in my life, it is hard to worry about even the big things that can be overwhelming. May this wealth of things to be grateful for give me strength and help me through these challenging times.

So, do you agree that 15 minutes of Gratitude could change your life?

Will you join me? Comment below me and let me know how it goes.

Ready to start your own Mussar journey? Take the Soul Trait Profile Quiz now. 

An earlier version of this post was published in January 2016 and again in December 2018.

Gratitude Mussar Practice After a Job Setback

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Journaling is a powerful gratitude mussar practice

This month I am consulting for the Judaism Unbound Podcast, helping them raise money through a Kickstarter campaign for their first book. It has been super fun! It is no secret that I am a big fan, (and a former guest) because they bring to the forefront ideas from many Jewish innovators. Unlike other podcasts, they don’t ask how many twitter followers you have when picking a guest – if they like your ideas, you are in. One of the particularly fun things I am doing is interviewing superfans and former guests. I was very moved by my interview with Sarah Lefton, who was the founder and creative director of BimBam, which to discontinue making its educational animations because it could not secure funding to continue.

I asked Sarah how she was post BimBam, and she said “I was sad but things are great in ways I did not expect. I spent a lot of time in 2019 focused on my own art making – mostly ceramics.” She went on to describe how she is reconnecting with her science roots, and is working on two incredible projects she never would have had time for had she continued her work at BimBam. She also offers some great advice for people who may feel embarrassed because they feel they don’t know enough Jewishly. And she closes advising all of us to tell our stories our own way. You can read the whole interview here.

It was a great example of multiple Mussar soul traits in action. Telling your story your way is all about Humility, feeling comfortable in your space, and inviting others to join your worldview. And so many of us have felt less than in Jewish spaces. I know I did when I was younger. The best thing I ever did was seek out opportunities to learn more, even though I was out of my comfort zone. But the Mussar Practice I’m inspired to share is about Gratitude.

************Here’s the Gratitude Mussar Practice**********************

Recognize the Good and give thanks in a negative situation. When things are not going well, the last thing we want to do is look for a positive. Sometimes when we are in truly horrible situations, or in grief, it might be something like an 800 number to find resources, or noticing the friend who sent you a text of support.

What can you be grateful for about something negative? Does that gratitude give you energy to take action in a way that could change thing for the better?

**************************************************************************
The Hebrew word for the soul trait of Gratitude is Hakaret Ha’tov, which means recognize the good (as explained in this BimBam video.) Sometimes it takes time to get the perspective to find something to be grateful for. And certainly there is nothing inherently good about terrible things that happen. Yet gratitude offers a way to cope, and find a path through.

For tips on how to recognize the good and be grateful, check out the 15 minute Gratitude challenge  The 15 minute challenge is a great gratitude mussar practice.

image credit:Photo by My Life Journal on Unsplash

Why Gratitude is Not Enough This Thanksgiving: A Mussar Perspective

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Gratitude helps us recognize abundance, and to be Generous

“My son was volunteering at a homeless shelter. In walked one of his high school classmates. I’m proud that he ran into the kitchen and helped there so his classmate would not see him.”

A friend told me that story, right here in the San Francisco Bay Area, one of the most wealthy areas in the world. Everywhere we see earth shaking companies like Google, Facebook, Twitter and Apple. The downside of this wealth is astronomically high real estate prices. But that alone does not account for the high level of homelessness. People all over the country are struggling with financial and food insecurity, even as some of us become more financially secure.
While Thanksgiving is a holiday that is rightly associated with being grateful, Gratitude is not enough for those who practice Mussar. Gratitude bring confidence and peace of mind. When we recognize the richness of what we have, we have an opportunity to See those with less, and to fully recognize their humanity. It would be a shame if we kept the abundance we are feeling for ourselves. 
Rabbi Ira Stone defines Mussar as learning to bear the burden of the other. We don’t do this spiritual practice for ourselves, but to help us show up for other people. Judaism teaches that everyone should give charity (Tzedakah), even those who receive Tzedakah. If giving would endanger one’s life, then we are asked to give words of comfort.
For whatever reason, I don’t volunteer in shelters or soup kitchens, although I always contribute to the food drive. I’m looking for ideas on how else I can be Generous. I’d love to hear from you. What do you do to be Generous?
You might also like my post from last year Celebrate Thanksgiving Like A Mensch. Or if you’d like to rekindle your Gratitude to become more open to Generosity, try the 15 Minute Gratitude Challenge. 
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

2016 Was a Year of Wonder

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2016 Was a Year of WonderAs I wrote in my last post, I was among many people who felt an urge to wish 2016 away. It was a year of personal and emotional hardship for me in many ways. It started with two friends who died in their 50s… at this point I have a mental list of people with cancer, personal illness, and a litany of bad news in 2016, culminating with you know who and you know what. That is yesterday’s bad news. Today I realize that 2016 Was a Year of Wonder

 

I am practicing Gratitude, which sports the mantra “Give thanks for the good and the bad.”
One of the things I am most Grateful for is Hanukkah – it brought light at a time of darkness.  One of you wrote the following in response to last weeks post, and it give me hope. You wrote, If 2016 has thought me anything, it’s that life has its own story and how that story is told is determined by those who live in it who can set the darkest of nights against the backdrop of a new dawn and day! Better times will come.

 

Another one of you wrote a moving tribute to your father who passed away. I love the way you said My father was known for his kindness…and while I am good at being kind to strangers, it is those I am closest to that I wish to work on being more of that with. I can so relate to that – I too want to be better with those closest to me. And my fathers illness brought us closer this year.

 

In addition to the litany of bad news, 2016 was a year of absolute wonder for me. Just before writing you, I did the 15 Minute Gratitude Challenge, and identified some amazing milestones last year:  One daughter became Bat Mitzvah, and another was confirmed. One daughter discovered a love of volleyball, and the other got her drivers license. My wife had a meaningful milestone, and she and I celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary. My cats turned seven, and I turned 50. And my dream of having a Mussar book was realized. The outpouring of love an support related to the book has truly been remarkable.

 

But none of that compares to the miracle of the Cubs winning the world series. I mean seriously, who can’t feel good about that? No, Cleveland fans, of course I did not forget you. I’m sure you are really bummed, but I also suspect at least some of you feel hope that if the Cubs can win, then the Indians day will come too. And the Cavs won it all, beating my Warriors. You see, for every winner in sports, someone has to lose. For every loss in an election, someone wins.

 

In Mussar, there are no winners or losers. Why? Because Mussar is a spiritual exercise. It looks at the world differently, with a sense of wonder and gratitude. It does not mean that there are not issues to deal with. There are, but with a spiritual outlook the context and coloring is improved. Our task is to improve ourselves, which adds light to the world, and makes everyone else better too.

 

But I really got energized and jazzed reading this list of amazing things that happened in 2016. Please skip the beginning of the article that rehashes the sorrow of 2016. A few things on the list with particular meaning for me:
  • 200 people attending the funeral of a homeless vet with no family. This is just awesome, and reminds me of the Jewish practice of everyone standing and reciting Kadish (the mourning prayer) in services together. Even if we do not have someone specific we are saying Kadish for, we say it for those who may not have someone to say it for them, or for people who died in the Holocaust and may not have family left today.
  • New chemotherapy treatments, robotic limbs directly connected to the brain, and a decrease in child mortality worldwide. As Rabbi Yitz Greenberg reminded me earlier this year, Jews are on team life. How can I not rejoice at this news?
  • Portugal and Costa Rica ran their entire countries on renewable energy for a few days, India planted 50 million trees in 24 hours, and California has 6 million solar roofs. And, Pandas and many other animals came off the endangered species lists. This is significant progress in our task to repair the world.

 

This list, and the Twitter hashtag  that reminds me of advice from Fred Rogers, who reminded us that in every disaster, there are always helpers. And Mussar teaches us that we have a choice whether or not to be a helper.

 

I’ll admit it – I am feeling super energized by writing you this letter. I am reminded of the time when I was a super helper last year – I left my power cord at the library with a young woman taking her end of year exams. I was awake enough and aware enough to see an opportunity to make someone’s day. That was an easy one. Now the task is to find a way to be a helper every day.

 

Should we have a live event, a Google hangout or Zoom video call to share some of the experiences we had helping others in 2016?

 

For now, you are invited to do three things.
1. Take the 15 minute Gratitude Challenge. Click Here to take the challenge.
2. Read about the amazing things that happened in 2016, and then comment below to let me know what resonates with you.
3. Set an intention for 2017 – what will you do to be a helper?

 

2016 Was a Year of Wonder, if we remember to look for it.

 

Here’s to an amazing 2017, filled with wonder and community.

 

Want to learn more about Mussar and Gratitude? Here’s a free preview of the Gratitude content from the American Mussar cycle.