gratitude - American Mussar

How To Guarantee Your Voice Will Be Heard in 2016 — And, the voice of the starling, is heard in the land! by Dwight Beers via Flickr CC

Its election year, and you will hear many requests to vote. Some people don’t vote because they feel like their vote doesnt’ count. As someone who lives in California, I get it, because this state is super blue. I feel that my vote would count more if I lived in a swing state like Ohio or Florida. Plus, I’m not a billionaire or even a millionaire. Will my voice be heard?

You may feel like a cog in the machine at work. Does anyone care what you have to say? Do you beat your head against the wall trying to get people to listen? I’ve been there. For me, there are few worse things than being ignored or not taken seriously.

For more senior people in corporations, it doesn’t necessarily get any easier. There is almost always someone you need to please – a bigger boss, shareholders, customers, employees. The stress can be intense, and some people feel like a fraud. Any minute, you will be figured out.

It may feel like no one is listening. It may feel like no matter how hard you try, no one knows the real you. If we are lucky, we have a handful of people who will have our back no matter what, friends, parents, spouses, and siblings. But those people are few and far between. And even then, they do not always listen.

When we don’t feel heard, we feel alienated and alone. It is demoralizing and disheartening. Sometimes communication can be improved, especially with a friend or partner. Best practice for business is to make everyone feel heard, and a key part of the team. But there is no guarantee that your company will do the right thing. In all of these circumstances, being heard depends on someone else willing to listen. Maybe they will, maybe they wont.

How To Guarantee Your Voice Will Be Heard in 2016

There is, however, a way to guarentee that your voice will be heard in 2016. You should talk to yourself. I don’t mean the steriotypical muttering under yoru breath, or swearing at other drivers. Singing in the shower doesn’t count either. Have a heart to heart with yourself. Look inside, and find those things that cause you to get stuck. And then talk yourself into making a small change.

This is what Mussar has taught me. How many of us know what we should be doing, but end up doing something else? Who feels trapped, not only that no one will listen, but that we are powerless to do anything differently? I don’t know how many times in my life I’ve sent an email, and then regretted it later. Why did I hit send right away, when I know that I should wait an hour first?

Learn to talk to yourself in a way that you can listen. Tell yourself that you have choices, and use the Mussar practice to bring your life into focus. Instead of just stumbling along from moment to moment, focus on the choice points. As helpless as you feel, you still have choices to make. Do you walk into the room with a smile or a frown?

Viktor Frankl, the holocaust survivor and psychologist wrote, “Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation.”

Remind yourself that within your soul, there is a battle between the Good Inclination and the Evil Inclination. I don’t mean the big evils, I mean the small. The judgement, the hurts, the indifference. We are wired to respond more quickly emotionally. (Which is why I should always wait before responding to email.) It is better to take time and let your better self chime in. You can be heard – you can hear your better self. Which one will you listen to?

Three Soul Traits to help you hear your better self.

Gratitude – focus on what you have and be grateful.

Order – plan time to talk to your self, and to listen. Try meditation – it can bring calm and clarity. If you are not a meditator, give it a try. The first time, chances are that your thoughts will start to race, like a voice shouting in your head. That voice is yours too, listen to it.

Awe – We live in an amazing world, full of beauty in music, art and nature. Whether you believe this is the hand of the Divine, or part of the wonder of the Universe, Awe can help you get through. If you are feeling stuck and unheard, tap into the power of wonder to help you listen to yourself, and to give you the courage to do something better, something greater.

Take a few minutes right now to talk to yourself. Start by listening. What is going on? What do you need?

And then ask what you can do for other people. Taking action to help others is a way to overcome paralysis that can come from not being heard.

I’ve started asking myself “If you are so lonely, why don’t you ever call anyone?” Ring Ring, you will hear from me.

If you talk to your soul, it will listen. You are your soul.

#iAMEquanimity

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On this Veterans Day, I was working on the Gratitude chapter of my forthcoming book. On the drive home, I heard the end of a discussion of Vets in college. The speaker made reference to the loneliness that many Veterans feel. She suggested that they try to reach out to different professors or professionals. As she put it, “Educators love to help people. We don’t do it for the the money, and if you don’t connect with the first person, try someone else.”

While my father and grandfather were both in the service, few of my friends are veterans, and none of them were in combat. The reality is, I don’t have the slightest idea what combat veterans have gone through. My knowledge comes from movies like The Hurt Locker and American Sniper. In each movie, a veteran comes home, and really struggles to re-integrate into society.

One common approach that I’ve seen and used myself is to say, “Thank you for your service.” I’m told that this can make Veterans uncomfortable. They feel it is their duty to serve, and further, sometimes the generic “thank you for your service” can come across with an unspoken “I don’t know why you did it, because I sure never would have signed up to go to war.” For me, the “thank you for your service” at least gave me something to say. So if that statement isn’t appropriate, what is?

One thing that comes to mind is a phrase I picked up from an essay by Sheryl Sandberg about dealing with people after the accidental death of her husband. Sandberg explained that the question, “How are you today?” displayed a sensitivity because it acknowledged that globally she is far from fine, and allowed for a relative answer. I don’t know how well that will translate to the case of talking to a Veteran, because they may or may not be struggling personally. Perhaps the answer is to ask a personalized question, like “When did you serve?” or “How has the transition back to civilian life been for you?”

Hmmm, the latter is a bit scary, because it opens the door to an answer that could be intense.

Mussar started this line of thought for me, so perhaps Mussar can help answer the question. How do we show Gratitude towards Veterans? The Soul Trait Gratitude is a measure of how we see the world. The literal translation from the Hebrew for this Soul Trait is “Recognizing the good,” as in finding the good in any situation that life puts you in. Part of practicing Gratitude is not taking things for granted, and we certainly should not take it for granted that people are willing to volunteer for combat duty. Yet if we shouldn’t say “thank you,” what should we do?

One approach is to practice Honor, which teaches us to honor the Divine Spark in others. Rabbi Alan Lew wrote that when we look at life through a spiritual lens, for every situation we ask ourselves “How did I contribute to this situation?” and “What can I do to make sure it doesn’t happen again?” We live in a country where our Veterans suffer from PTSD, depression, and commit suicide at an alarming rate. Maybe the answer is on two fronts:

Personal connection as above when we meet or know a Veteran, as above
Action in the political arena. For example, too long we tolerated a government that did not adequately fund the VA. I read an encouraging article today that a growing number of cities and states have resolved to end Veteran homelessness.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on the subject. I really am looking for answers, and additional ways to either connect or help. Please share your ideas below.

#iAMGrateful

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