American Mussar

21st century Jewish spiritual practice for an authentic and meaningful life

Feeling Overwhelmed? Try a Mussar Solution to Stress

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Mussar Solution to StressIt was a stressful time for me, perhaps one of the most stressful times since I left the corporate world six years ago. I was trying to raise money for a Mussar app called the Pocket Mensch, and we were falling short.  I was overwhelmed, felt alone, and felt cut off from my Mussar practice. I asked myself, “What is going on? Isn’t Mussar supposed to help me here?” The Evil Inclination had the upper hand, and was feeding me messages that Mussar was useless. Glad to say that there is Mussar solution to stress.
Mussar helped, but, I had to fight to get myself back on track. Here are three soul traits that were impacted by my stress. By focusing on them, I found balance and healing.

Order as a Mussar solution to stress

Order is the Soul Trait that governs planning, how we structure our lives, as well as the very organization of our thoughts. Stress makes me miss appointments, ignore my to do list and lose things. Then I get frustrated and embarrassed. For me, Order is the canary in a coal mine. When Order breaks down, it is a signal to slow down. I started looking for simple ways to bring just a bit more order to my life, like putting things away immediately. And, I focused on slowing down and planning my day. Finally, I tried to get back to meditating. Just a few days of short meditations helped a lot.

Humility as a Mussar solution to stress

Humility out of balance leads to an excessive focus on the self. In my mind, it was all about me. No one would help me. It was unfair; I was sunk and doomed. Sound familiar? (Hope so, I’d hate to think I am the only one who gets this way.) I made a conscious effort to stop complaining, and to start asking for help. My family helped at home, and I others helped with the work-related stuff. The reality is that we are not alone. We all have people there to help us. (Not sure who to ask? Send me an email and I’ll try to help you.)

Trust as a Mussar solution to stress

Trust is short for Trust in God. If you are unsure of the Divinity, think of it as Trusting the Universe. Most things work out far better than our fear says they will. Something that seems awful today may have a kernel of good that will to something awesome.
Normally Trust is a source of strength for me, but when I was overwhelmed, it seemed like an alien concept. I don’t think the Trust was gone, it was simply blocked by the Evil Inclination.
Fighting and willing myself to Trust did no good, and just led to more frustration. Finally, I just let go, and decided to stop worrying about the outcome of the crowdfunding campaign. At 3 in the morning, I bolted awake with a sense of peace and Trust. And, I had a fully formed plan in my head to create the app for far less money.  I took a few notes, went back to sleep, and then woke to find a text from a supporter waiting for me. It was a sign from the Universe.

Gratitude as a Mussar solution to stress

Gratitude is a bonus. Mussar teaches to be grateful for the good and the bad. It was hard for me to do either. Then, I read what I wrote in the 15 minutes of gratitude challenge earlier in the year. I realized that I have so much in my life, which helped immensely.
Today I feel so Grateful that almost 100 people contributed to the crowdfunding campaign, for my family, and for my cats. And I am grateful to my Mussar practice and community that helped me get back on track.
Want to start your own Mussar journey? Take the Soul Trait Profile Quiz now.
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Get Drunk On Purim – It Is Required

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get drunk on purim
Purim hamentashen by Nate Steiner via Flickr CC

If you are Jewish and celebrate Purim, you might know that we are commanded to get drunk on Purim. In fact, tradition says that one should be so drunk that you can’t tell the difference between Haman and Mordechai.

For those of you who are not familiar with the story, Haman is the villain who tried to have the Jews exterminated, and Mordechai is one of the good guys who opposed him. Rabbis, scholars and everyday Jews have joyously followed this tradition, and of course debated what it really means for thousands of years. I won’t try to recapitulate their various arguments – indeed I haven’t read up on the subject. My understanding comes from Rabbi Jennifer Clayman, who taught me one interpretation: For most of the year we are expected to be restrained, thoughtful and dignified. For one day a year, it is important to cut loose, and go for unrestrained joy. (Apologies to R. Clayman if I am misremembering this.)

With Purim starting tonight, I’ve been thinking about this interpretation through a Mussar lens. The night of partying, silliness and even raunchiness balances everyday life when we are serious. Does that mean that if we spend our life drunk, should we spend this day sober? What is to be learned from having an experience far outside of your normal behavior?

I won’t be attending the Purim Shpiel tonight. The Shpiel is a funny re-enactment of the Purim story. It would be a great time, but I’ve just had too much going on. I’m wiped out from both work and personal stresses. Yes, the one who writes about work life balance isn’t going to the party because he has been working too much. I will, however, take the night off, and make it an evening of fun.

Whether it is tonight or in the near future, I wish you a window of unadulterated joy. Life will have its ups and downs. Sometimes the downs are trivial, sometimes they are severe. Whatever our life circumstance, we all deserve times of joy. Tell me about yours. I’d love to hear it.

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A Word on Ribbons and “Raising Awareness” for Cancer

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Awareness of problems and the fact that others are suffering is a good thing. It’s the first step—and a very necessary step—towards meaningful solutions and increased healing and comfort.

But it’s only the first step. Awareness in and of itself does not help solve a problem, and thinking otherwise can actually cause a lot of harm.

To be clear, I do not fault anyone for wearing a pink ribbon to raise cancer awareness, or to recognize a loved one who struggled or is struggling with this terrible taker of life. I understand and support the sentiments behind the ribbon, and I believe the cause of supporting cancer patients, cancer research, and the eventual and inevitable discovery of a cure (or cures) is an important one.

I also worry that for some people, wearing a ribbon and raising awareness is seen as action enough. Mussar teaches that we should “run to do good,” which is how we practice the Soul Trait of Enthusiasm.

There are lots of things we can all do to help those in our community who have been afflicted by cancer. Make meals for families who are struggling to get by with a debilitated parent. Visit children to read stories, to play games, to hold hands, and to listen. Volunteer with the Road to Recovery program and drive cancer patients to and from their treatments.

Real action is almost as easy as purchasing a ribbon to pin on, and it does a whole lot more to solve problems and create good in the world.

It might just bring you a whole new awareness of what you can achieve, as well.

Set yourself an intention: What is one small way that you can “run to do good” this week.

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Is the Pope Jewish?

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Judaism teaches that we should not make vows, because they might lead us to do something that we would later regret. More specifically, they might lead us to take an action in conflict with Jewish values. For example, if you vow to never speak to someone until they apologize, you have set a very high bar that you may later regret. People try to keep their vows, and in the example above the vow would serve to preserve the pain and make reconciliation harder.

I made a vow earlier this year never to write about Donald Trump after the racist comments he made about Mexicans. Alas, that is a vow I cannot keep. If I were to keep it, it would deprive me of an opportunity to learn from the spat between the Pope and the Donald. As I suspect you already know, Pope Francis suggested that Trump is not a Christian because he talks about building walls and not building bridges. The Donald shot back that it is disgraceful for the Pope to question another person’s faith. Wow, I am not a Trump fan, but I think I have to give him the nod on this one, with some caveats below.

The whole interchange reminds me of the fights between the different branches of Judaism. Some people in the ultra-Orthodox community say that Reform Jews are not Jewish. I once explained to an Israeli friend about Reform Judaism, and he said jokingly “why don’t you just put a cross on the wall.” I was not amused. Just last year, I realized that I was walking around with a secret shame that I wasn’t Jewish enough. I think many are raised to think that Orthodox Judaism is the real Judaism, and that people who don’t follow that lifestyle can’t cut it. It is a character flaw that we don’t keep Kosher or practice the rituals. I don’t like people questioning my Judaism. I intentionally said “Judaism” instead of “faith” because for many people, being Jewish is about much more than faith. Jewish identity is complex, and who am I to say that a love of pastrami is any less Jewish than going to services?

It is in that sense that I side with the Donald. One should not question another person’s faith. I noticed that in the rejoinder, Trump said that the Pope’s behavior was disgraceful. He did not say that the Pope is a disgrace, as some media have reported. Had the Pope said something like “Building walls instead of building bridges is not consistent with Christian values,” he would have focused on behavior and not the person.

Mussar teaches that we are to focus on our own behavior. Speaking out against injustice is something important for us to do. But I think Mussar teaches us to speak out against unjust behavior, without generalizing to the person. After all, we all carry a Divine spark that is occluded by our baggage. We should Honor the spark, even if we can’t Honor the behavior.

#iAMHonor

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UMOM New Day Centers and the Soul Trait of Equanimity

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Equanimity is a tough concept to explain, and as a Soul Trait it can be one of the toughest to bring into balance. The Hebrew name for the Equanimity Soul Trait literally translates as “calmness of the soul,” and putting Equanimity in proper balance means not becoming overwhelmed by the world but not tuning it out, either—not becoming so frenzied that we lose all purpose, and not becoming so sedentary that we lose all action.

The UMOM New Day Centers work throughout the Phoenix, Arizona area to make sure families have the medical care, childcare, education, and job skills training they need to establish successful and loving lives. They work with some of the most vulnerable members of the community every day, and they do not become overwhelmed and quit nor do they shut their eyes to the problems so many encounter. their work is a testament to the power of proper Equanimity in action, and American Mussar is proud to present this organization with a Point of Light award.

Homelessness is a problem all too easy to turn a blind eye toward. It’s also easy to look at the staggering size of the problem—as many as 3.5 million people in the United States, nearly half of them children, will experience homelessness at some point in a given year—and to see the problem as unsolvable. UMOM does neither, taking the direct action it can to bring an end to homelessness in its own community.

True Equanimity is active, not apathetic, and UMOM New Day Centers give us an important lesson in Equanimity impact. You can join American Mussar in donating to their efforts here.

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