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Overcoming a Hopeless Moment the Mussar Way

August 29, 2016 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

My summer vacation is over, and it’s nice to be back in a routine. Actually, I kind of miss vacation, but I don’t miss being sick the entire month of July. Right before I came down with pneumonia, I wrote an article that appeared on Tikkun.org called Join the Mensch Movement. It was after the Democratic sit in in Congress as a protest against inaction on gun violence. I explained that John Lewis is a mensch – he has dedicated his life to fighting injustice. At one point, the Democrats on the floor of Congress started singing “We Shall Overcome.” Believe it or not, I have used that same song to diffuse family situations. It not a go to strategy for overcoming a hopeless moment.

My family was on vacation. It was one of those awful vacation moments when the entire family was bickering. Two teenagers and two strong willed parents can be volatile. Feeling helpless and hopeless, suddenly I started to sing.

We shall overcome.

We shall overcome, some day.

Those were the only words that I knew, so I started to sing them again until the stunned silence was replaced by howls of protest.

We shall overcome.

We shall overcome, some day.

At the time, I was practicing the soul trait of Patience. Mussar teaches that Patience is a gift, to help bear the burden of an unpleasant situation until it is over. For me, it was a struggle to sing or yell, which would have hurt and upset people who were already frustrated and suffering. People I loved.

I agreed to stop singing if we could stop arguing, and carry on without complaint. It was a compromise, a fragile peace that opened a space for us to be together. It gave us hope.

Did anything change from the Democratic sit in? There was still a recess, and there is still no new gun legislation. But for the men in women in Congress who are part of the Democratic party, they were changed. They had hope. Sometimes we need to act. We can’t just sit there in silence and suffer. Sometimes we need to take action.

So in a hopeless place, sometimes all we can do is sing.

Want to start your own Mussar journey? Click Here to take the Soul Trait Profile Quiz.

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Did Ginsberg Speak Too Much Truth?

July 15, 2016 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

This week I’m practicing the soul trait of Truth. It has been showing up everywhere in my life. For example, I moved a couch, and found a sticky note that said “Fear avoidance leads to deception.”

It was from when I was preparing the outline for my book. Yes, from the chapter on Truth.

But Truth has been no more prominent than in the comments Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg made about Donald Trump. Initially, she said ““I can’t imagine what this place would be — I can’t imagine what the country would be — with Donald Trump as our president,” She elaborated concerns over the makeup of the supreme court, and went on to criticize the press and Trump himself for not releasing his tax returns.” In this case, did Ginsberg speak too much Truth?

Ginsberg’s remarks were very much in line with Jewish tradition. We are taught to speak out against injustice, and clearly her concern for the country motivated her remarks. Speaking Truth to power is sometimes referred to as the prophetic tradition – like the prophets of old, sometimes we are required to speak uncomfortable truths.

In this case, however, Ginsberg was speaking from a position of power. She was perceived as stepping over the line, and eventually apologized, saying, “On reflection, my recent remarks in response to press inquiries were ill-advised and I regret making them. Judges should avoid commenting on a candidate for public office. In the future I will be more circumspect.”

We see in action an important element of Mussar’s teachings – too much of a soul trait is just as bad as not enough. Perhaps Ginsberg was speaking too much Truth in this case. I say perhaps because it is not for me to judge whether on a spiritual level what she did was too much or the right amount. That is for Justice Ginsberg alone to evaluate. The classic indicator of too much Truth is when we are being unkind; more generally we might say that too much Truth causes more harm than good. Personally, I know that I have a tendency to be Truthful to a fault and on many occasions I’ve caused myself and others unnecessary pain by being too Truthful.

There is another important side of Truth: human perception of Truth is subjective. Ginsberg was telling her truth, reality as she sees it. Have you ever been in a situation when you and someone else have very different perceptions of the same experience? This is common, and part of being human. As a result, we need to be cautious when we start tossing our Truth out into the world.

Food for thought.

Truth spectrum — Spectrum of Truth, from too little to too much

Where do you fall on the spectrum from too little to too much Truth?

In these turbulent times, having a firm grasp on our soul trait of Truth is a must.

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Jewish Checklists For Being a Mensch

June 29, 2016 By Greg Marcus 1 Comment

It has been a crazy busy month for me, mostly in a good way. Today I sent off the final corrections for The Spiritual Practice of Good Actions, which goes to the printer July 1. September 8th will be here before we know it! This book launch has a lot of meaning for me, and I continue to struggle a bit with concerns about the outcome. I fear success and failure equally. It is a great week for me to be practicing Trust, for Trust reminds us that we cannot control the outcome, and most things work out well.

I was moved to write today after reading a wonderful article by Marjorie Ingall in Tablet Magazine called “How To Be a Better Ally.” It lists 11 ways to be a better ally to the LGBTQ community, inspired by the tragic events of Orlando. It is so cool to see Jewish checklists for being a Mensch.

Many of us are not sure how to be helpful, supportive, or empathetic in the face of tragedy, even more so towards a minority and oppressed community. For example, Ingall suggests that post Orlando, to “call your LGBTQ friends and family.” She quotes someone who explained how surprised she was “how much it has mattered for my straight friends to reach out and see how I’m doing.” As a result, I reached out to a gay couple close to me to check on them, and they were very appreciative.

Ingall’s list reminds me of a list created by the medieval philosopher Maimonides explaining how to visit the sick. Visiting the sick is a commandment, but it isn’t as straightforward as it seems. Lets face it – it is intrinsically uncomfortable for many people to go to a hospital. We do not want to be reminded of our own frailty. And, we often are not sure what to say or do. Maimonides put together this practical list over 800 years ago, explaining the right way to visit a sick person. His suggestions include:

Do not stand over the person – sit on a chair or the floor to try to stay at eye level, but do not sit on the bed
Leave your own issues at the door. Enter the room with a smile. When my family first learned this rule, we translated it into “Don’t Bring Me No Bad News,” a great number from The Wiz.
Be realistic, and don’t be Pollyanna about the person’s condition. Take your clues from them. You are there to bring support and comfort. If someone is on hospice, clearly it is not the time to talk about them getting better.
Bring something if you can

Visiting the sick is a core part of practicing Loving-Kindness. Remember that we practice Loving-Kindness through acts to sustain others without expecting anything in return. Ingall’s list of ways to be an ally also falls into the category of Loving Kindness. For example, she writes “don’t expect a cookie for being an ally.” You are there to support someone else’s humanity. There is risk in being “out” as an ally, which is why it is an act of Lovingkindness.

In summary, we are not born knowing how to act in every situation. The more outside of our experience, and the more intrinsically uncomfortable the situation, the more we can benefit from lessons and guidance on how to act like a Mensch, a person of outstanding character.

I love lists like this. Sometimes if feels like I need to make every socially awkward mistake until I learn. I am very happy to have a checklist with pointers to prevent me from stepping in the dodo.

Know any good checklists for being a Mensch? Please share below or on the American Mussar Facebook Page.

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Made Myself a Nazi Target

June 6, 2016 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

By changing my name to (((Greg Marcus))), I made myself a Nazi target on Twitter. They have a way of searching for names with the “echo” ((())), in order to bombard the victim with anti-Semitic comments. (Read more here.)

Then over the weekend, I started seeing Jewish names on Twitter with the echo. I was horrified – what are they doing? Then today, I read this article by (((Yair Rosenberg))) in the Tablet, and I started to get it. By placing the echo around our own names, we are co-opting the Nazi process. Nazi’s are great at anonymously berating someone on social media, which is the equivalent of catching you alone in a dark alley. In the dark they’ll gang up on you like nobody’s business. In the light however, they hide.

As I write this, I am tempted to use phrases like “they crawl back under their rocks.” Pithy, feels good, might even get a retweet. Fortunately, I am constrained by my Mussar practice. It pains me to say so, but Nazi’s too, have a Divine Spark. They were born an innocent soul like the rest of us. Part of me does feel compassion that someone could become so broken by life and twisted by hate. There is no cause for me to go out of my way to say personally insulting things. What I am obliged to do, however, is to bring their activities into the light, and to work to keep them out of power.

I admit it – it makes me nervous that I made myself a Nazi target on Twitter. Extremists cannot be reasoned with. Then it occurred to me: I was already a target. The anti-semites are out there. When you are Jewish, and raise your profile on social media, they will find you. I have a relatively small social media footprint, yet early on I reposted the popular “I’m that Jew” video on my Facebook page, and the haters started coming out of the woodwork. All kinds of things, some outright nasty, others tried to educate me that the Jewish people were a myth with no history. So, rather than just take it, I’ll join my fellow brethren in solidarity and co-opt the Nazi echo symbol.

Strangely, this fits with my Humility practice this week. The Mantra is “No more than my space, not less than my place.” In Mussar, we need to unlearn the Western definition of Humility, which means to be self-effacing. Humility is about taking your proper place in the world. Having too much Humility would mean not stepping up to an opportunity to make a difference in the world. For me not to become (((Greg Marcus))) would be to miss an opportunity to step up and make a difference in the world.

For the record, I think these neo-Nazi’s are dangerous. I’m really not happy that I made myself a Nazi target, even if indirectly. But I think it is the right thing to do. We have only survived as a people by standing up for one another.

Many people on Twitter are (((echoing))) their names, and not just Jews. Please join the brigade of mensches of all faiths as we stand shoulder to shoulder, tweaking the noses of the haters. We are many, they are few. By taking this small step now, you just might change things enough to forestall the need to take a large step later.

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Mensch or Jerk is Determined by Small Moments

May 18, 2016 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

At breakfast a few years ago, a friend of mine and I discussed a volunteer meeting we had recently attended. It ran over its allotted time by 45 minutes, until 9:45 at night. My friend was really upset because it interfered with family plans. As one of the leaders of the meeting, I instantly apologized. Interestingly, my friend quickly corrected himself, insisting that it was a small thing, and that he should not have gotten upset.

While my friend seemed suddenly ashamed of his emotional reaction, I reassured him that he was not out of line, explaining that a central teaching of Mussar is that life is lived by small things. Mensch or jerk is determined by how we show up in small moments. How often do we have a really big thing land in our lap? It is these small things – the small moments of life — that make up daily life. And the one thing a Jewish leader should never do is disrespect the people he or she is serving. His candor was actually a gift, reminding me of my sacred duty.

The Soul Trait of Honor reminds us that each person is a Divine Soul, and should be treated accordingly. While it is true that as a leader, I did not do anything egregious – no human rights violations or dehumanizing behavior — what I failed to do was adequately coordinate with the other leaders to ensure that we delivered on our promise of ending the meeting by 9:00. The Soul Trait of Enthusiasm, reminds us that we need to proactively run to do good, as Abraham does in Genesis 18:6-7 when he runs around arranging food for guests a few hours after being circumcised at the age of 99.

As leaders, we should proactively make sure that we are honoring and respecting the time of volunteers, especially in this over-scheduled age. This is a lesson many non-profit organizations would do well to learn.

I remember that day because a few hours later, something amazing happened. I was in the checkout line at the grocery store, reading the New York Times on my phone. I mindlessly stepped forward, as I had already put the groceries on the belt, and the cashier said “Hi.” In a flash, I remembered a recent article I read about how awful it feels to be ignored because the person you are serving has their face in a phone. And I remembered the Mussar teaching for Honor, to greet everyone before they greet you (reference).

So I put down the phone, looked her in the eye, smiled, and said “Hi.” It was like magic. She smiled back, a full face smile and her eyes sparkled.

I felt great. We both did. I kept thinking about it over and over as I walked to my car and started to leave the parking lot. “Wasn’t that great? Who can I tell? Should I include the story in my book….” I started composing in my head.

My happy reverie was suddenly broken as someone yelled loudly as I drove towards the exit.

“A-hole!”

The word rang in my ears. “Was that at me?” I wondered. “What did I do?” Did I cut someone off? Did I just miss a pedestrian? Maybe I was so wrapped up thinking about what a great Mensch I am that I wasn’t paying enough attention to my driving.

Or maybe the irate individual wasn’t even talking to me.

Whatever the case, the incident was a good reminder from the Universe: Life is lived in small moments. There is no room for complacency or patting myself on the back. We do not honor others so we can feel good about ourselves; we do it because it is the right thing to do.

And we move on from one instance of menschiness to the next.

Planning a meeting, going through the check out line, driving in the parking lot: three small opportunities to practice honor in a short span of time. Mensch or jerk? I got it right 1 time out of 3. Hey, in baseball that would put me in the Hall of Fame.

Want to start down the path of menchiness? Click Here to take the Soul Trait Profile Quiz.

Image credit: Smile by Dasha via Flickr CC

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