American Mussar

21st century Jewish spiritual practice for an authentic and meaningful life

Try This Mussar Practices To Overcome Elder Care Guilt

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Elder Care Guilt
Sometimes we can only look and can’t do more than we can do

This week I’m sharing a letter from someone asking advice, who has given me permission to share the answer in this way.

Dear Greg

I am wracked with guilt. My father is in a nursing home, and has been calling me at night afraid and in pain. He has a condition called “sundowning” where he gets more confused and afraid at night. The next day he is fine. Yet each night he is pushing me to travel there and “straighten things out.” I’ve been there several times this year. There isn’t a lot else I can do that I can’t do on the phone. I spend lots of time talking to his caregivers and honestly don’t think being there in person will change that. I live far away – travel is expensive and time consuming. I know he wants to see me, but I have my own family here I need to take care of too. 

I’ve dabbled in Mussar. Can it help me? – JB in Florida, feeling elder care guilt

Dear JB –

I listen with an open heart. I too sometimes get elder care guilt. And I too have a parent in a nursing home. It sounds like you are doing what you can. It is a really difficult situation, and there is no magic bullet that will make it “all better.” That being said, Mussar can help you cope. As Victor Frankl taught, we can’t control the outside world, only how we react to it.

The Torah teaches that we must Honor our parents. And Mussar teaches that too much Honor can lead to a obsequious behavior and a lack of self care. Are you giving your father too much Honor by taking these phone calls at night? Here are two Mussar practices to overcome guilt that you can try.

Reset the boundaries. The soul trait of Strength governs boundaries. Our Rabbis taught: One should always be gentle as the reed and never unyielding as the cedar. (Ta’anit 20a). When it comes to the relationship with our parents, we want to be a reed and not a noodle.

It doesn’t sound like the evening phone calls are helping either one of you. Only you can judge what the correct boundaries are. That being said, you may want to only talk to your father during the day. Does he understand the sundowning that he is going through? Let him know that you are unavailable to talk at night and why. At the same time, use your relationships with the staff to get him some additional support and perhaps medication to help keep him calm and comfortable at night.

See the light and be the light. This situation is making you feel guilty. I know these feelings well. In fact, over the high holidays I resolved to try to grow past inappropriate feelings of guilt. I choose the mantra “See the light. Be the Light” to help me grow out of this. You can too.

You are dealing with a difficult and perhaps tragic situation. And you are going to feel sad about it. The best we can aim for is to feel sad about the situation without feeling bad about ourselves.

Self care and self confidence are keys to help you get through.  Ben Zoma said, “Who is strong? One who conquers their impulses.” (Pirkei Avot 4:1). Here, your impulse to guilt and anger is coming from the Evil Inclination. Strengthening the Good Inclination with this mantra will help you reconnect with your divine spark. And use your network to support you in your decisions, and create time just for you.

The late comic book legend Stan Lee said, “I have always been my biggest fan.” The more you can strengthen your self confidence, the less guilt you’ll feel over situations that you can’t control.

Wondering how Mussar might help you with your current challenge? Sign up for a free strategy session and we’ll talk it through. 

Choose The Blessing In Election Results

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choose the blessing
Choose the blessing and feel joy

Moses said to the people: “I set before you today a blessing and a curse.” (Deuteronomy 11:26).

There is plenty to be happy about in the election results, and plenty to be sad about. Things could have been better for your side and things could have been worse.

 

Choose the blessing, the path is before you..

For those races you are sad about, mourn the loss and don’t lose sight of the big picture. You are part of something bigger than yourself. Stay determined and active. Avoid the lure from the Evil Inclination of bitterness, recrimination, and anger. Make the losses a blessing, by showing up in a wholehearted way. Follow the advice of the Good Inclination to strengthen relationships in your life.

For those races you are happy about, celebrate the win and don’t lose sight of the big picture. You are part of something bigger than yourself. Avoid the lure from the Evil Inclination of ego, gloating, and rationalization. Make these wins a blessing by being a gracious winner. Follow the advice of the Good Inclination and keep the door open to conversation and relationships with the other side.

Mussar Can Help You Choose The Blessing

Mussar teaches that each moment of every day we are faced with a choice between the blessing and the curse. It is easy on paper to choose the blessing. But the reality is that we are left with the same divisions we had before the election. This is where our practice can help us.

In Chesbon Ha’Nefesh, Rabbi Menachem Mendel Levin teaches that when we are faced with a challenge, we modify our focus phrase to “make it more stringent” (p 71). For example, a common phrase for Equanimity is “Rise above events that are inconsequential.” Instead, he suggests “Rise above the moods of your animal spirit so they do not destroy your equanimity” (ibid).”

I’ll be honest – this is hard for me. My animal spirit is trying to bring me down. But I can’t help but smile when I look at the joy in these two girls in the picture above. I am working to hold feelings of sadness about our national divide and “what might have been” and the opportunities for joy everyday.

Please share below: How are you trying to choose the blessing?

Having trouble finding the blessing in your life? Send me a message and let me know.

Image credit: Photo by @saucypot from nappy.co 

Climb The Mussar Ladder of Voting Like Maimonides

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Mussar ladder of voting
Voting is just the first rung on the Mussar ladder of voting

What would Maimonides say about voting?

Maimonides, the great medieval Jewish philosopher, defined eight levels of giving charity. For example, we can give reluctantly and with regret, or we can give a large loan to help someone escape poverty entirely. Maimonides ladder of charity sets forth an important principle – there are levels of doing good, and each rung we climb brings us closer to heaven.  Inspired by Maimonides ladder of charity, Mussar can guide us to create a ladder of voting.

What might a Mussar ladder of voting look like? Each rung will bring more mindfulness, and a greater positive impact. And, each rung would be more about others, and less about ourselves.

The Mussar Ladder Of Voting. 

  1. Vote in the most important races. Given the length of the ballot, you may not have time to research every race. Rather than not voting, cast your ballot for what you deem to be the most important races. For example, you vote for the President and Senator, but don’t vote for the ballot measures or local officials.
  2. Vote in every race based on third party recommendations. Here, you are using party affiliation, and/or a voter guide to vote for each and every issue on the ballot. You are making your voice heard more widely, and thus taking on more responsibility for the outcome of the election. This approach also includes people who vote no on every ballot measure unless they have a very good reason to vote yes.
  3. Vote every line of the ballot based on personal research. Here, you are taking your responsibility to create a just society very seriously. You research each candidate, and make an informed decision for each one.
  4. Vote according to the totality of your values. Not only are you making an informed decision, you are making a moral one. Rabbi Ira Stone reminds us that Mussar is a practice to learn to bear the burden of the other. Consider the impact of the laws passed by your candidates on “the other”. Elections have consequences. If you are thinking only about yourself, you are missing the fundamental imperative of living a moral life.

Bringing morality to voting can be tricky. For example, some Fundamentalist Christians only vote for candidates who oppose abortion. And some Orthodox Rabbis have told people to vote against any candidate who supports gay marriage. While each of these positions are heartfelt and grounded in values, they run into the danger of idolatry. There is no one single Jewish value that encompasses them all, except for Rabbi Hillel’s teaching which says “That which is hateful to you, do not do to another.”

Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto wrote, “Just as Enthusiasm can result from an inner burning so can it create one. That is, one who perceives a quickening of his outer movements … conditions himself to experience a flaming inner movement.” May your zeal for a just world inspire you to climb the Mussar ladder of voting.

Where do you land on the Mussar ladder of voting? Should there be other rungs, like voting for other Jews, or people who share your ethnicity/religion; voting against anti-semites; or enabling others to vote? Please comment below and let me know.

You might also like 5 Ways Spirituality Can Fight Post Election Despair

Practice Gratitude After Tree of Life?

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Gratitude after Tree of Life
Reverend Terry Gleason gives support and comfort from the Bimah

Is it too soon to practice Gratitude after Tree of Life? It was a massacre of our siblings on Shabbat. Less than a week later, I remain upset, sick, worried, sad, mad and confused.

I am working to make room for the sadness, as I described in the last post. And in that context, Gratitude after Tree of Life may seem a long way away. Yet is it exactly part of what we need to help get through.

The soul trait of Gratitude in Hebrew is Hakarat Ha’Tov, recognizing the good. In Mussar, we train ourselves to recognize the good, even in bad situations. I’ve done this mussar practice many times. While is works after I’ve gotten a parking ticket, or been in a painful argument with my wife, can it really help at a time like this?

Being grateful for the good and the bad is one of the most challenging Mussar lessons. Each and every time I facilitate a Mussar circle focusing on Gratitude, people initially get tripped up at the idea that we should give thanks for bad things.

The idea comes straight from the Talmud

One recites a blessing for the bad that befalls him just as he does for the good. Berachot 54a 

The word “recognizing” reminds us how often we take things for granted. Even in a terrible event, some good things happen that we can take for granted. Together, lets us try to practice Gratitude after Tree of Life.

****Here’s the Mussar Practice*****

Recognize the good and give thanks for the events after the murders. Being sad is the first mussar practice after the murders. Now lets try to find a few areas of light. Here are three things to be grateful for:

  1. We live in a country where police will rush into a building to protect us. Four police officers were wounded trying to save Jewish lives. Throughout our history, again and again, the police turned a blind eye or were complicit in killing us. It is wonderful and amazing to live in a country where today, the police risk their lives to protect us.
  2. We can be grateful to the people who care for the bodies of the dead. I don’t want his mother to see him this way, Don Corleone said to Bonasera the undertaker in the Godfather, referring to the bullet riddled body of Sonny. The Chevra Kadisha is the Jewish burial society who wash and care for the bodies of the dead. In Pittsburgh, a team of volunteers stood outside the Tree of Life synagogue through the night until the bodies were removed. Later, they cleaned the synagogue to gather all of the human remains for burial. Every day, all over the world, volunteers and professionals work to treat the bodies of the dead with dignity. Truly Holy and sacred work.
  3.  People are coming together. Sunday night I attended a community gathering hosted by my synagogue. I was astounded to see a traffic jam, and close to 1000 people jammed into our sanctuary and social hall. It lifted my heart to see so many people there to support each other. I can’t tell you how much it meant to me to hear from clergy from many faiths, including a woman who chanted the Koran from the Bimah. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard.

Be sure to verbalize your Gratitude after Tree of Life, both directly to the people you are grateful to, and to  third parties. 

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Almost 1000 years ago, Rabbi Bachya ibn Pakuda wrote “Many good things are left unenjoyed, and the happiness to be had from them becomes tainted either because people do not recognize the good in it, or they do not realize its value.” (Duties of the Heart.)

For me, there is no joy in recognizing the good in these circumstances. However, Gratitude after Tree of Life does ease the pain. A Mussar practice of Gratitude today means that, in the future we will not miss an opportunity to recognize the good, and enjoy something that can be enjoyed.

For the good will return. It is still here. We can and must find it again.

See also 15 Minutes of Gratitude Could Change Your Life

A Spiritual Response To The Tree of Life Massacre

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It is with profound sadness that I write this post. There is no right or wrong way to cope with the murders at Tree of Life *Or L’Simcha Congregation in Pittsburgh. I’ve seen lots of wonderful emails and posts from leaders in the Jewish community, with suggestions on what to do for kids, as a leader in a congregation, etc. But I have been struggling on how to react as a person. Here are my thoughts as they unfolded on Saturday, with a suggested Mussar practice.

It was surreal to pull up to the synagogue where I facilitate two Mussar groups and see a police car parked in front. There was another police car parked behind the synagogue, near the main entrance. Surreal, but not a surprise. Word of the shooting at Tree of Life *Or L’Simcha Congregation in Pittsburgh had already hit the news. When something like this happens, we need to protect ourselves.

We spoke of it on both groups – one person said they were not sure they were going to come, but upon hearing the news “I made sure to be here.”  This is what we do – we show up in times of grief.

The full horror of the murder of my Jewish siblings did not hit me until later in the day. I am in shock and mourning, as is the whole community of Jews and our allies.

The soul trait of Loving-Kindness (Chesed in Hebrew) teaches that comforting mourners is one of the highest and most sacred acts in Judaism. But how exactly do we mourn when we do not know the dead personally? What if I don’t want to visualize my own beloved sanctuary drowned in blood?

A friend of mine died unexpectedly a few years ago, and I’ve seen first hand how shattering it was to her husband and children. Must I dwell upon the survivors of the 11 who were murdered?

My denial gone, I sit feeling shattered. But still, how do I mourn?

I offer a mussar practice to help us through.

****Here’s the Mussar Practice*****

Allow yourself to feel sad. I didn’t feel sad the morning I first heard the news. I didn’t feel much of anything. I used to fear that I was low in the soul trait of Compassion because I did not feel in situations like this. Now I understand that I have too much Compassion, and shut off to avoid being flooded. Now I know this is a normal response to trauma. 

A spiritual response to mass murder is to inhabit the feelings that arise. Skipping sadness is dangerous, and opens the door to the evil inclination influencing our actions in ways that make things worse.

So, I am choosing to let myself feel sad. Here are a few ways we can do this together.

  1. Tell people you are sad when they ask how you are. When I picked up my Chinese food for dinner, when they asked how I was, I said that I was sad over the Tree of Life Temple. They were shocked, and did not know what to say. And, they were sympathetic, and know that this event across the country impacts a regular customer who they greet by name.
  2. Reach out to others. Call friends and loved ones and let them know you are sad. Offer comfort, and allow them to comfort you. Many organizations across the faith spectrum are hosting events. Go to one, whatever your faith. Be there for others, and for yourself.
  3. Make their memory a blessing. “May their memory be a blessing” is a traditional way that Jews offer comfort to a mourner. It means may their memory inspire us and bring comfort. For example, we can give blood, donate money, or volunteer to help those in need. You are invited to join me and donate directly to Tree of Life*Or L’Simcha Congregation.

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Rabbi Ira Stone teaches that the mission of Mussar is “bearing the burden of the other.” In a time like this, we need to hold each other up. We need to bear and be bourn.

Mussar is a practice of personal growth and spiritual transformation. Is it too early to think about growth and change? Yes and no. Before we get to growth, we need to pass through sadness. We practice Mussar so it can be there for us in times of crisis when we need it. We aspire to grow and learn each day, even on the worst days.

We have endured a lot as a people, and will endure more as we continue to pray for peace and a just society. I trust our tradition that coming to grips with sadness is key way station on the path of wholeness, and holiness.

Next Post: Practice Gratitude After Tree of Life?