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Three Mussar Lessons From Game of Thrones.

May 22, 2019 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

Yes, I am a total Game of Thrones fanatic. My wife and I got hooked on the books early on, and have waited patiently for each new book or season to come out. As you may recall, Mussar teaches that Patience is enduring an unpleasant situation, and when it comes for waiting for new books in the series, Patience is our only recourse. While I promised three Mussar lessons from Game of Thrones, consider this lesson on Patience to be a bonus.

Mussar Lesson 1: You don’t get the end you want. You get the end you get. I have been somewhat baffled by the complaints and petitions about GOT season 8. 1 million people really want to redo the entire season?

The lesson for us is Humility. Mussar teaches that Humility is about knowing one’s proper place in the universe, as Alan Moranis wrote “No more than my place, not less than my space.” At times all of us have been in a position that we wish for a redo. If you want to redo something that you said or did, you may have an opportunity to try again, apologize, or revisit. But if you are looking at the acton of another, it is your place to rewrite what they have done?

The same is true of our own lives. We control very little, and are but a small part of the universe. We can fight the universe or recognize our place in it. One of the lessons for Moses not entering the promised land before he dies is the reality that we can’t control when we go. We can spend our last days fighting and filled with regret, or we can spend them in thanks for all the gifts we have been given.

Mussar Lesson 2: Good and evil get pretty muddy. As George RR Martin says in this wonderful interview with Stephen King, “In my view, the battle of good and evil is waged within the individual human heart. It is our decisions – we are all partly good and partly evil. We make decisions every day. We may do a good thing on Wednesday, and an evil thing on Thursday, or a selfish thing.”

If you’ve read my book, this will remind you of the conflict between the Good Inclination and the Evil Inclination. Remember that these are translations of Hebrew phrases, and evil is a challenging translation. In Game of Thrones, the evil decisions tend to be truly evil with a capital E. Take Daenerys, for example. As Tryion explained, we could overlook some of her brutal decisions early on because she was killing evil men. But when she burned Kings Landing, there was no where to go but to admit how bad she was. But it didn’t have to be that way. She also had a forgiving and compassionate nature, and could have chosen a different path.

None of us are totally good nor totally bad. Learning to tolerate our mistakes, and becoming mindful of our choices are key building blocks on the path of the mensch. See this post on Choice Points for more.

Mussar Lesson 3: Joy has many faces. Arya Stark said “Death has many faces.” And wow, did we see a lot of death in these books and shows!

Yet tens of millions of people found joy reading and watching. The joy we feel comes in different forms. The acting, the effects, the twists and turns. And many of us enjoy discussing each episode – some prefer to argue that X or Y should have happened.

We should not take for granted the joy we get from entertainment. In the first Mussar book Duties of the Heart, Rabbi Bachya ibn Pakuda wrote the danger of not feeling gratitude for things we take for granted. “Many good things are left unenjoyed, and the happiness to be had from them is tainted either because people do not recognize the good in it, or they do no realize its value.”

Entertainment is a gift. It is not our place to change or rewrite it. We take what is offered, and make of it what we will.

What is some of the good you’ve found in Game of Thrones? Please share below.

Take the Soul Trait Quiz to see where a Mussar Practice can influence your life.

How To Hold a Door Like a Mensch

May 2, 2019 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

Have you ever wondered if you are doing too much for other people? Perhaps you’ve felt taken advantage of, or felt like it is selfish to take care of yourself. Sometimes ordinary daily activities, like holding a door for another person, can provide insights to help you deal with more complex situations. For example…

I was on a collage tour my daughter and wife. As we entered a building, I held a door for one of the other dads. He was walking slowly, his head glued to his phone. I was filled with resentful and judgmental thoughts. “What a bad dad, “I thought. “Doing work when he should be focused on his family.” I felt a strong temptation not to hold the door for him.

Then, I thought, “A Mensch would not act on judgmental thoughts, and holds the door for other people.” In Mussar terms, holding the door for someone is a way to practice Honor, the soul trait that reminds us to notice the Divine Spark in everyone. So, I held the door for him.

A little while later, he was off phone and was in front of me as we exited a stairwell. He did not hold the door for me. “Hmmm,” I thought. “Not everyone thinks about these things, and makes the extra effort.”

As the tour came to a close, I was once again in front of him as we were going through a door. This time, I elected not to hold the door for him. I would have had to wait a few seconds, and thought “Tit for Tat,” This phrase is shorthand for a Game Theory approach to cooperation when you interact with the same person again and again. In short, you lead with generosity, but if the other person does not reciprocate, you do not reciprocate the next chance you get. Tit for Tat is considered a winning strategy.

Granted, holding a door for someone else is a small example. The other person did not notice whether I held the door or not. The person impacted by this exercise was me. And it provides a doorway to a Mussar Practice for all of us to try.

*Here’s the Mussar Practice**

Hold the door open more or less. Metaphorically, in your life, do you hold the door for others or allow others to hold it open for you? Holding the door for a stranger is a menchy thing to do. But if you are holding the door again and again for the same people and they do not reciprocate, you have an opportunity to examine whether this relationship is working for you.

Let me be clear: There are no right or wrong answers. Understanding this dynamic will give you more options in your life.

And if you never hold the door for other people, over the next week hold the door and smile whenever you get a chance.

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It says in the Talmud, “Whomever exercises mercy where strictness is required will eventually be cruel where kindness is required.” (Rabbah 7.33). This is an analogous situation – a limit is better than just giving and giving.

When I was in the business world, I tended to help others even when they were not helping me. I think it would have helped my career to say no more often. My coworkers would have respected my time more, and realized they needed to help me in return if they wanted me to go the extra mile.

How does this practice fit in with your life?

Want to see if Honor is one of the keystone soul traits in your spiritual curriculum? Take the Soul Trait Quiz.

Allow The Notre Dame Fire To Inspire You This Passover

April 18, 2019 By Greg Marcus 3 Comments

In the days before Passover, I was saddened by the Notre Dame fire. As I was busy feeling terrible, I found myself personally challenged by Rabbi Shmuly Yanklowitz’s Facebook post.

He argued that we as Americans should be less worried about the loss of a building, and more concerned about “the oppression of invisible people around the world.” Rabbi Shmuly cited a story from Leviticus Rabbah about the Romans giving better treatment to stone columns than to the poor. I was stopped in my tracks, and immediately stopped thinking of the fire as a “tragedy.” Instead, it became something I am sad about.

Then, I read about some of the backlash against the billion dollars pledged by the ultra wealthy to rebuild the cathedral. While some of the criticism is overblown, I personally agree with those who point out that if we can find money for a building, we can find money to deal with societal inequality and poverty.

Which brings us back to Passover. The story we tell every year is a central narrative of Jewish peoplehood. Throughout the Torah, we are asked to remember that we were slaves in the land of Egypt, as it says “You too must befriend (love) the stranger, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt. (Deuteronomy 10:19).”

When we were slaves, we too were invisible.

This Passover, let us channel our emotions from Notre Dame fire to remember the forgotten and invisible people all over the world. When we see and remember, how can we not act?

What invisible people or person would you like to remember? Please reply below. I’ll repost your answer on Facebook. (Or if you are shy, you can email me here)

You might also like these other posts about Passover

Photo by Olivier Mabelly via Flickr CC

Do You See Esther As A Jewish Woman Of Color?

March 19, 2019 By Greg Marcus 11 Comments

As I was revising last Purim’s blog post Esther’s Mussar Humility Lesson, I had a shocking realization. Esther is a Jewish Woman of Color.

Could that be true? I asked myself. I’ve always thought of her as white.

She must have been. The story takes place in Persia, and Persian people have darker skin.

In the painting to the left, notice how Esther has white skin and the servants have dark skin. I absorbed a cultural transformation: We’ve turned a Person of Color into a white person.

I did some research online, and found this wonderful story that describes what happened when a young boy heard a description of Queen Esther as someone with beautiful brown skin and hair in braids. He started jumping up and down, saying “Like me! I have brown skin too.” This young Jewish boy with a white mother and a dark skinned father saw himself in the Jewish narrative for the first time.

And I got an inkling of how it must feel to be a Jewish Woman of Color. I’ve read articles about Jews of Color feeling like they don’t fit in because in the synagogue people automatically think they are a guest or worse. Or they are ignored and not seen.

I admit, I felt a little sick to my stomach. It was confusing as my body coped with the discord of wanting to be inclusive, and my unconscious “elevation” of one of our greatest heroes to whiteness. I did not see Queen Esther for who she was.

In the words of Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe, The ultimate value you can give a person is to treat a person seriously, to take notice of that person. When you treat a person lightly and you don’t acknowledge them, you sit at a table and talk to all your friends, ignoring the one person who sits by themselves you are stripping this person of their value in effect giving them a curse. – Alei Shor Chapter 8

This offers us an opportunity for a Purim Mussar Practice.

*Here’s The Mussar Practice*************

Name Queen Esther as a Jewish Woman of Color, especially if no people of color are around.
Whether or not you are Jewish, you are invited to participate in this practice. Please join me in this practice of Honor, going out of our way to make our siblings of color feel seen today.

I hope you’ll give this practice a try. When you do, be on the lookout for how it feels inside. Will you havec a strong somatic reaction like me, or something else?

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As it says in the Book of Esther, this is a time when we remember a day when great sorrow turned to joy.

This practice offers us opportunity to take people in our community seriously. It can turn their sorrow of being invisible to the joy of being seen.

When we do so, we add another inch on the road to the World to Come.

What do you think? Comment below and let me know.

Esther’s Mussar Humility Lesson

March 14, 2019 By Greg Marcus 4 Comments

Esther’s Mussar Humility Lesson:

Have you ever been thrust into a situation where you were called to step outside of your comfort zone? If so, did you have to choose between stepping up to bring some good into the world, or doing nothing and let something bad happen?

This is exactly the choice Queen Esther faced in the Purim story.

To recap, in the Book of Esther, a Jewish woman of color named Esther wins a beauty contest to become Queen. Then, an evil advisor to the King arranges to have the Jewish people annihilated. Esther’s uncle Mordechei asks her to go to the King to prevent this calamity.

At the time, however, to approach the king uninvited was an offense punishable by death. Esther could have been dissuaded by the risk; nevertheless she persisted. Now remember, Esther is Queen by virtue of a beauty contest. She could have fallen prey to the Imposter Syndrome, and decided that she was unworthy of the task at hand. The Megillah (5:1) describes what happens next.

“Esther donned [garments of] royalty and stood in the inner courtyard of the palace, facing the palace. The king was sitting on his royal throne in the palace facing the palace entrance.”

Notice how it reads if we eliminate the “[garments of].”*

Esther donned royalty.”

What does that mean to don royalty? This is Esther’s Mussar Humility lesson. She went before the King in a regal persona, and did not get hung up by the selection process that made her Queen. Esther had a right to be there, and made the most of her opportunity.

Have you ever been faced with a situation where you were called upon to do something outside your comfort zone? Do you ever get worried that you don’t belong and let yourself get paralyzed? Take inspiration from Esther, and just do it.

Thankfully few of us will have to step up the way that Esther did, where failure means genocide. At the same time, we live in extraordinary times, with political turmoil at home, and war abroad. Do you feel called on to speak out?

We should not simply read this story an an invitation for civic action. Who among us has not been faced with a trying situation at work, in our marriage, with a friend, or with the challenge of growing into full adulthood? How best can we step up, to do right by the people in our lives?

Can we stand by and do nothing if our Alma Mater is turning a blind eye to rape on campus?

You are heartily invited to stop for a moment and consider how Esther’s Mussar Humility lesson applies to you. Read the following and then close your eyes.

Think of the people in your life. What challenges do they face?

What is one small step you can take to support your friends, family and community in a new way?

How can you occupy your space to take responsibility, and try to be part of the solution?

Or, perhaps you need to occupy less space. If you are a parent, do you let you kids fail and learn from their mistakes?

Please comment below to capture your intention.

Want to learn more about Mussar Humility? Click here for a free sneak peak at the Humility lesson from the American Mussar cycle.

*The brackets indicate an interpretive translation as opposed to a literal translation. As my comment above suggests, I think this interpretation is incorrect, and undervalues Esther’s contribution as a strong woman of color.

This blog post inspired a Niggun co-written by Greg Marcus and Jacqueline Rafii. Click here to see it on YouTube.

***********Here’s the Mussar Practice************