Greg Marcus - American Mussar

Is It Worth Losing a Friend Over the Truth? A Mussar Perspective

February 18, 2022 By Greg Marcus 2 Comments

“I don’t want to be outed,” he said to me. “If they knew the truth, I don’t know if our friendship could survive it.”

Growing up, being outed generally referred to someone’s sexual identity being revealed against their wishes. And indeed, this is still an issue today. I very much would not want someone to lose their job, a friend, or family member because they were not accepted because of their sexual orientation.

In this case, the person was not hiding his sexuality. He is hiding his political and social views. He are a Republican and conservative in this very liberal SF Bay area.

As we focus on the soul trait of Truth for a second week in Jewish Wisdom For Coping for a Pandemic, we are challenged by our current reality that people within our community have very different ideas of what is True, and the values that they live by. I am currently in a training by the organization “Resetting the Table,” to learn how to facilitate conversations between people who have very different ideas about important issues like climate change, politics, and covid. All of these are near and dear to me, and my progressive point of view is not a secret. Yet at the same time, it is foundational for me to stay in community with people I disagree with.

During the Omicron surge, someone made a comment that both covid cases and deaths were coming down. I knew this was not correct, but decided not to get into it with them because I thought the relationship was more important than arguing with someone whose mind was not going to change. This was really hard for me to do.

I don’t want people in my community to be afraid to be who they are, even when I find their beliefs objectionable. We can and must stay in conversation and community. Truth is learning to see the Truth from another’s perspective, as it says “Execute the judgment of truth.”- Zachariah 8:16. Moreover, it is permissible to deviate from the Truth for the purpose of peace.

What do you think? When should we prioritize a relationship over the truth. As always, I answer every comment.

A Mussar Approach to the Congregation Beth Israel Hostage Situation

January 16, 2022 By Greg Marcus 1 Comment

mussar practices congregation beth israel hostage — Help Congregation Beth Israel get back on its feet

Like all of us, I am shocked and disturbed at the hostage situation at Congregation Beth Israel in Colleyville, Texas. I am moved by the Facebook post in which Rabbi Cytron Walker expressed his gratitude. And I too am grateful that he and the others are alive.

From a Mussar perspective, we can and must do more than sending our love and prayers to our siblings in Texas. Our job is to support one another in concrete ways, or as Rabbi Ira Stone reminds us, to “bear the burden of the other.” And support for our fellow Jews is a bedrock value of the Jewish community. So how can we concretely support Congregation Beth Israel and Rabbi Cytron-Walker? Each of us, as individuals, has a responsibility to act. Here are five mussar traits we can practice to help us:

Practice Generosity by donating money to Congregation Beth Israel.

Rabbi Cytron-Walker, the other hostages, and their whole have been through a terrible trauma that will have lasting effects. Money will help pay for therapists and experts to help them through. Moreover, there may be physical repairs, upgrades to security, and food to send to people too upset to cook. You can join me and make a donation by clicking here.

Practice Compassion by writing a letter or sending a card

If you are feeling helpless or would like to do more, send a short note or letter to the Rabbi or Congregation Beth Israel. If your kids are scared, help them feel empowered by making a card or drawing for the Rabbi and community. Fellow Rabbinical student and child psychologist Dr. Jody Kussen said “This is a beautiful, healthy, idea – for any age.”

I have a vision of that scene from the movie Miracle on 34th street when bags and bags of mail show up in the courtroom. We can let them plaster their walls with children’s drawings from around the world.

Rabbi Charlie Cytron-Walker
Congregation Beth Israel
6100 Pleasant Run Road
Colleyville, Texas 76034

Practice Alacrity by posting on their Facebook page

I wrote a note on the Congregation Beth Israel page letting them know they are loved and supported. Alacrity meets to act now. Is is something all of us can do. Just click here to get started.

Practice Silence by speaking up

Remember that Silence governs when to talk, and when not to talk. This is a time to let your friends know you are hurting, and how we are always a little on guard in Jewish spaces. For example, you can share this poem by Beth Rader.

I also agree with Rabbi Jeff Salkin that we should not let anyone tell us this was not an anti-Semitic attack. Of course it was – he took hostages in a synagogue on Shabbat. He could have gone to a day care center or grocery store; he choose to target us.

Practice “Gratitude And”

There is much to be grateful for in this situation, as many have said. Gratitude is important and essential for Jewish living. But we don’t want to let Gratitude become a means of spiritually bypassing the real pain and horror caused by the desecration of Shabbat by a hostage taker.

It is ok to feel angry, afraid, confused, sad… Don’t jump to gratitude as a way to try to make those feelings go away in yourself or others. We need space for the negative feelings. Gratitude can help us cope, and provide us energy to be there for those who need us.

What else can we do to support Rabbi Charlie Cytron-Walker and Congregation Beth Israel? How can we help them bear their burden? Please respond in comments – as always I’ll answer every one.

Don’t Let Your Spirits Be Crushed in 2022

December 31, 2021 By Greg Marcus 2 Comments

As I sat down to write, I wondered: “What I could say to wrap up 2021, and provide some guidance as we approach 2022? Covid is once again exploding, and I find myself at a bit of a loss.”

Last week in “Jewish Wisdom for Coping with a Pandemic,” I asked people to share how they were coping. It was nice to both share where I am, and to hear how we all are doing. You can see a video recording here. Overall people are doing ok, but some like me are struggling to some degree.

I had an intuition to look to the Torah for inspiration, so I opened the Mussar Torah Commentary, edited by Rabbi Barry Block, and read this week’s chapter, written by Rabbi Joshua Mikutis. Rabbi Mikutis highlights that the part of the story where the people did not listen to Moses because “their spirits were crushed by cruel bondage.” (Exodus 6:9). AHHHH – that phrase resonated with me. While my spirits are not exactly crushed, I am feeling a bit fatalistic about the Omicron surge. I read on.

In the story, Moses’ initial efforts to bring liberation did not start well – Pharaoh answered his first request with scorn and further oppression The Israelites now had to make bricks without straw, and some were mad at Moses. When Moses turned to God for help, help was provided in the form of his brother Aaron who spoke for him. Whether or not you would turn to the Divinity, the principle remains – it is critical to ask for help. With Aaron’s assistance, Moses carried on with his work, and ultimately our people were freed.

The pandemic is a long haul struggle. As we head into 2022, we have choices. We can allow ourselves to be crushed by the unfairness and unpredictability of the pandemic, or we can reach out to others to help us get through. And, we should not underestimate the mental health toll of this continued stress and isolation. The pandemic gives us opportunities for both self care, and to be there for others.

I can acknowledge the feelings of loss, without getting buried by worry. And most importantly, I will be turning to the people in my life, and to my spiritual practice, to help me get through. Because at the end of the day, it is about carrying on. We still get only one life, and I’d like to make this one the best I can.

I’m curious, is there a role for spirituality in your life, and is it helping you cope with the pandemic? Please reply and let me know. As always, I’ll answer every comment.

Jewish Wisdom for Coping with a Pandemic is a drop in group that meets every Thursday at 4 Pacific. You can sign up for our email list to get notices, or check out previous meetings on Youtube.

Practice Mussar Order To Change a Bad Habit

August 12, 2021 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

Recently, I taught a class where we discussed how to participate in the traditional Elul practice of preparing the the High Holy Days. I asked everyone to think of something they want to change about themselves.

One person shared that they are always late, and really want to change. It was clear from the sadness on their face that being late was painful to them, since they knew the impact it had on other people. With their permission, I suggested a practice to help change their persistent bad habit. The soul trait to practice is Order.

Order is one of the most powerful soul traits. The Hebrew is Seder, as in the Passover Seder. On Passover we use a guide book to help us recreate the experience again and again each year. Here is how each of us can practice Order to change a bad habit.

Here’s a way to Practice Mussar Order

Pick one habit you’d like to change. We’ll use being on time as an example
Choose one example of this habit, and focus on changing only that. In our example, you would pick one upcoming meeting to be on time for. Don’t try to be on time for everything, just try to be on time for one meeting one time.
Put that meeting on the calendar, and write down of everything you need to do in order to be on time. Put those things on the calendar too.
Continue to focus only on future instances of this meeting, using the same process until you are regularly on time for it.
Pick a second circumstance you’d like to be on time for, and use the same process

For example, first focus on being on time for a weekly zoom class. Don’t worry about being on time for other things yet. After a few successes, you’ll use the same process to be on time for your Friday lunch with a friend. Lasting change happens slowly.
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What is spiritual about setting a goal, and a list of steps? Has this post devolved into self-help tips?

Think of the creation story in the book of Genesis. The first day there was light, the second sky, the third dry land followed by plants. We are shown an example of an orderly creation of everything. The Divine did not create plants before there was light. In fact, one Jewish teaching says that Torah existed before the creation, and was used as a blueprint for the universe. While I don’t believe that literally, The Torah as blueprint is a powerful metaphor illustrating how important planning is, and how creating Order is a holy activity.

Like all soul traits, Order exists on a spectrum. You may be disorganized like I am, or you may plan so much that it is hard to be spontaneous. There are no right or wrong answers, but there is a right approach, which is to be mindful, and seek to grow.

Mussar gives us the gift of bringing spiritual awareness to “ordinary” moments in everyday life.

How does Order show up for you? What is one habit that you can change by practicing Order?

Please comment below – I’ll answer every one.

Image by Tim Sullivan Sullny Photos

Three Mussar Practices To Get Rid of Mom’s Stuff

June 9, 2021 By Greg Marcus 14 Comments

My mother died on May 9, 2020 of Covid. Although she lived on the other side of the country, we were close, speaking several times a week. She was my spiritual mentor, and constant supporter. I was not able to travel home to visit her grave or take care of her things until over a year later. It was not easy to get rid of mom’s stuff.

This week marked an important milestone, when I had to dispose of her jewelry. After my wife and daughters picked what they wanted, there was a lot left. Mom loved to dress well, and loved her jewlery. After we are gone, most of the things we leave behind have no owner, and no purpose. The thought made me sad. I had no attachment to these things of hers. I felt bad getting rid of them, but keeping all this stuff didn’t seem like the right thing to do either. Three Mussar practices helped me get rid of moms stuff.

Mussar Practice 1: Honor

The Ten Commandments teaches that we should Honor our parents. But it does not say that we need to Honor their things. As important as these things were to my mom, I don’t need to keep them just because they liked them. At the same time, I would not be honoring her memory to just throw them away, or to have them cluttering my house. In fact, it would be giving her too much Honor to keep something I do not like.

Mussar Practice 2 Gratitude

Decluttering expert Marie Kondo teaches that when something does not spark joy for us, we should thank it for its service, and give it away. And in that sense, I am immensely grateful to my moms jewelry for giving her so much joy over the years. That was her joy, and not mine. The best way I could honor her memory is to find someone else who would wear and love her things. I lovingly packed her jewelry back into its box, put my hands on top of it, and thanked it for all the joy it brought her.

Mussar Practice 3: Generosity

Alan Morinis describes generosity as “a movement of the soul that erupts when you are pierced by the recognition of your direct connection to another soul.” When donating moms jewelry collection, I tried to do so wholeheartedly, imagining someone finding a necklace and bracelet that they absolutely loved. While I will never meet this person, we will still be connected.

Nothing can replace the people we’ve lost. Judaism provides a good structure for grief, but as far as I know there are no direct teachings on what to do with your parents stuff.

I hope these three Mussar practices are helpful to you in your own grief journey.

How did you approach this issue? Let me know below. I answer every comment.

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