My mother died on May 9, 2020 of Covid. Although she lived on the other side of the country, we were close, speaking several times a week. She was my spiritual mentor, and constant supporter. I was not able to travel home to visit her grave or take care of her things until over a year later. It was not easy to get rid of mom’s stuff.
This week marked an important milestone, when I had to dispose of her jewelry. After my wife and daughters picked what they wanted, there was a lot left. Mom loved to dress well, and loved her jewlery. After we are gone, most of the things we leave behind have no owner, and no purpose. The thought made me sad. I had no attachment to these things of hers. I felt bad getting rid of them, but keeping all this stuff didn’t seem like the right thing to do either. Three Mussar practices helped me get rid of moms stuff.
Mussar Practice 1: Honor
The Ten Commandments teaches that we should Honor our parents. But it does not say that we need to Honor their things. As important as these things were to my mom, I don’t need to keep them just because they liked them. At the same time, I would not be honoring her memory to just throw them away, or to have them cluttering my house. In fact, it would be giving her too much Honor to keep something I do not like.
Mussar Practice 2 Gratitude
Decluttering expert Marie Kondo teaches that when something does not spark joy for us, we should thank it for its service, and give it away. And in that sense, I am immensely grateful to my moms jewelry for giving her so much joy over the years. That was her joy, and not mine. The best way I could honor her memory is to find someone else who would wear and love her things. I lovingly packed her jewelry back into its box, put my hands on top of it, and thanked it for all the joy it brought her.
Mussar Practice 3: Generosity
Alan Morinis describes generosity as “a movement of the soul that erupts when you are pierced by the recognition of your direct connection to another soul.” When donating moms jewelry collection, I tried to do so wholeheartedly, imagining someone finding a necklace and bracelet that they absolutely loved. While I will never meet this person, we will still be connected.
Nothing can replace the people we’ve lost. Judaism provides a good structure for grief, but as far as I know there are no direct teachings on what to do with your parents stuff.
I hope these three Mussar practices are helpful to you in your own grief journey.
How did you approach this issue? Let me know below. I answer every comment.
Wow..maybe after 11 years I can find a way to enjoy giving my/our mother’s “things” away.. Has been difficult, but you are helping to have the time arrive. Thanks.
Hi Edee – I listen with an open heart, and am glad that this practices helped
As my mom comes to her last days, I am already downsizing what I can but know that her most personal/treasured items will need to be dealt with later. Your words are helpful; thank you for sharing guidance to do so with mindfulness, gratitude, and generosity of heart.
Hi Lori – I listen with an open heart. Sending strength and comfort to you and your mom for what lies ahead.
Super helpful. I have things of my mom and grandmother that brought them great joy. But I have no need for them. I like the image of their things bringing joy to another when I donate them. Do you know where I can donate The Holy Scriptures they received at their confirmations? Their names are engraved on the covers …
Hi Nancy – I’m glad this was helpful. I have no idea what interest there might be – perhaps a collector. You might try googling those editions and see if they are for sale. Anyone in your family potentially interested? You could always donate to a library
Hi Greg. Beautiful post.
My father died on Jan 7, 2020, just before Covid took over. We are finally putting his house up for sale next week so have been working hard to let go of the stuff. We put together a cousins inventory with a gallery of pictures on a google drive and invited all of our cousins and their children to let us know what they were interested in adopting. All of my cousins felt very close to my parents and had many wonderful memories in their house.. It was an labor of love organizing and distributing these things. It was very sweet to see what things had meaning to people. It really helped us alot to have this sweet connection with extended family as we sent their new treasures to them.
I love your list of middot. I will add one more, chesed/loving kindness. I have been studying in a class with Rabbi Avi Fertig on Alei Shur, some of the aspects of chesed. To listen to what the other needs, give to them in a way they can feel good about and not have them feel bad about taking, and to be proactive.. My cousins needed to feel an ongoing connection with my parents. They were helping us by adopting these items. We did a good job of organizing it all and making it easy and welcoming for people to respond.
Thank you for helping me to look at this through this Mussar lense. .
A much belated thank you for sharing your story Judith. Chesed is a wonderful addition to the list.
When my mom died 17 years ago, we split the pictures, took our childhood stuff, I got the jewelry and a table that really reminded nd d me of the apartment of the aging years. Now, I actually don’t know what my brother took for himself, but I don’t care. He deserved more Ashe did the work, because he insisted on NB doing it on Shabbat and I couldn’t. It’s just stuff.
thank you for sharing your story Adrian. I listen with an open heart
I’m sure you have already made the perfect decision for you and your family.
Our local chapter of National Council for Jewish Women collects gently used costume jewelry and volunteers re-attach it to nice cardstock. Then it goes to a bazaar for underprivileged children in early May, so that the children can choose a piece of jewelry for their mother-figure for Mother’s Day. To me this is a great way to bless others (a concept certainly from Mussar and the Talmud, but also from flylady.net) and yes honor the memory of your own wonderfully influential mother. I am so sorry for your loss; may her memory be a blessing.
Hi Davida – what a wonderful thing to do. Thank you for sharing and your kind heart.
Hi Greg,
That was beautiful, thank you. Your mother would have been proud of you and happy with how you have dealt with her passing and the love that she passed down to you and that you will pass on to others.
Susan
You are very welcome Susan.