American Mussar

21st century Jewish spiritual practice for an authentic and meaningful life

How Not To Offer Help – a Mussar Practice Perspective

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how not to offer help
If someone says “I”m super helpful” do you believe them?

Imagine yourself a writer with two books. You are waiting in line after an event to introduce yourself to the speaker. Someone in front of you was talking about a manuscript they have that no one will publish. You offer your card, saying you’ll introduce them to your agent for the book. After some more conversation on and off over the next 15 minutes, you walk away thinking, “They will never email me.”

You go on to construct a story in your head about everything wrong with this other person. You know Mussar enough to recognize a soul trait imbalance in the other, and weave that imbalance into your story. After all, they bragged to you that they already had one book out that sold more than 10,000 copies. You decide they would rather be a victim about their book and story, rather than taking ownership and opportunities for help.

You even find a text to back you up.

He who purifies himself will be assisted. One who sets out to defile himself will find the way open. (Yoma 38b)

You teach text all the time to help build resilience. When we are willing to reach out to others and ask for help to improve, help will be provided. But if we want to let ourselves go down a negative path, we have the free will to make those choices.

As you may have guessed by now, this is not a hypothetical example. I am describing an incident that happened recently, and those thoughts and reactions were my own.

I journaled about them, and a small warning bell went off in my head.

Greg, you are being awfully judgy.

Judging others is a big no no in a Mussar practice. The soul trait of Honor teaches us to be wary of judgements. So I asked myself a question: “What other explanation is there for this person’s actions? Maybe I did or said something that elicited their response.”

Here are a few things I noticed when I thought about our interactions in more detail:

  • They never asked me for help or advice
  • I inserted myself into their conversation several times as they spoke to different people
  • The final time I inserted myself, I said something about writing 2 books, to which they responded about the success of their first book.

My entire perspective on the experience changed. I don’t know what their situation is, and frankly it isn’t any of my business. Offering help is a fine thing to do, but all the other stuff, including the story and judgements I constructed is the work of the Evil Inclination throwing me off track.

And it is an important reminder of the following teaching:

“Wisdom is what brings a person to conceit and haughtiness more than anything else, because it derives from a noble quality that is inherent in the person himself—the intellect.” –Rabbi Chaim Luzatto, Path of the Just

The tone of this quote is a bit harsh, but I don’t take it that way. My Mussar knowledge should not be used to judge other people. And I normally don’t push myself on others in that way. I find comfort that this mistake is made by many of the most wise.

And I am so thankful that I have this practice to help me learn and grow.

Want to give Mussar a try? Take the Soul Trait Quiz.

Photo by Jonas Jacobsson on Unsplash

Joyful Living American Mussar Workshop

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Joyful Living American Mussar WorkshopFrom May 9 to  June 20, 2018 Greg Marcus is facilitating an American Mussar workshop in the Joyful Living Facebook Group, created by Quinn Curtis.

There are four one hour Facebook Lives – you can join us by Zoom and ask questions.

Each workshop in the series focuses on one soul trait. Then, we’ll spend the next two weeks practicing the Soul Trait together. 

You can download the notes for each session here, and watch the video in the Joyful Living Facebook Group. 

Schedule of the Joyful Living American Mussar Workshop
1. Humility (May 9)

Download notes here: Everyday Joyful Living Mussar Workshop #1 Humility

Click here to watch the Humility recording

2. Patience (May 23)
3. Enthusiasm (June 6)
4. Trust (June 20)

Want more info on what this workshop series is all about? Be sure to listen to Episode 89 of the Joyful Living Podcast: NOTE: Workshops follow along with Greg Marcus’ book “The Spiritual Practice of Good Actions: Finding Balance through the Soul Traits of Mussar” available here on Amazon.

To sign up for the free workshops, just join the Joyful Living Facebook group. Click here to join.

Mussar Practice Secret From Hawaii Volcano

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Take a moment to watch this time lapse video of the lava just wiping out the car. The car doesn’t stand a chance. How can you not feel the soul trait of Awe when you see the ongoing volcanic activity from Kilauea? This feeling of Awe can open the door to a Mussar practice secret about another soul trait.

We can feel Mussar Awe on several levels – awe at the unstoppable power of the lava flow, awe at the technology to create the time lapse, awe at overall scale of the eruption, that currently may begin to include “ballistic projectiles” from the caldera.

Seeing the car helplessly devoured is like many parts of life. Forces and events beyond our control happen. Whether they are set in motion by the Divinity, or are “just” nature in action doesn’t matter. They offer an opportunity to experience something greater, which can inspire us to greater heights. One moment the car is there, and the next it is gone. But finding Awe is not the Mussar practice secret for today.

At the same time, we are watching a video at high speed. In reality, someone could have driven the car away before the lava arrived. Sometimes these unstoppable forces of nature can be foreseen, and avoided. As someone who used to own a condo in Kona on the other side of the Island, we all knew about the volcanos. Everyone in Puna knows they are living on an active volcano. Around the world, people live in dangerous environments – some choose to stay, some can’t leave, and some never notice. So in theory, the car could have been saved, but in reality there was nothing that could be done at that time. Rather than look back and lament, Mussar offers an alternative way to address the situation.

The Mussar practice secret is to use the Awe as a path to overcome the Illusion of Control.  Research has shown the people have a tendency to overestimate the level of control we have over outcomes. This even holds to playing dice – people throw the dice harder or softer depending on whether they need a high or low number. The reality is that we play a very small part in the universe. When we see things truly out of our control, it can help us to realize how little control we actually have.

Letting go of the illusion of control will significantly reduce your stress. If you no longer feel that everything depends on you, you will be more open to self care, and more open to collaboration with friends, family members, and coworkers.

Where does the illusion of control show up in your life?

Which parts of our soul lead make you susceptible to the Illusion of Control? Tale the Soul Trait Quiz to find out. Click here to begin.

Procrastination Is Stingy: A Generosity Mussar Practice

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generosity Mussar practice
Being generous with time gets over the stinginess of procrastination

Procrastination is Stingy? How does procrastination lead us to a Generosity Mussar Practice?

Yes, procrastination is stingy. I’ll tell you why in a moment, but first a story.

Yesterday I sent an email to over 100 people who donated to a crowdfunding campaign I ran two years ago to raise money to create a Mussar app. After almost a year of delays and excuses, the company I hired went out of business, taking with it everyone’s money and leaving behind only some design documents. Shame and sorrow kept me from telling everyone for months. I felt like I screwed up by hiring the wrong company, so I procrastinated about sending an update to the funders. Now that I have, it feels like a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders. How does this relate to a generosity Mussar practice?

I am in month three of a year working on my shadow soul traits as part of a Chaborah class from The Mussar Insititute. In our first meeting on Stinginess, we discussed the expectation on a person who receives a request for help.

My mind flashed back to the evening before. I has asked someone for help, and we were scheduled to meet to discuss the issue. Then for the second time, they sent me an email postponing the meeting for two weeks. I was furious. Having already spent a month working on Anger, I had a few tools to work with. I realized that I was mad because I was feeling devalued. But I knew this person is a good friend who highly values me – it was just a matter of it not being a priority for them, and being a priority for me.

When I get mad, I’ve learned to ask for help before responding, and then to focus on asking for what I need. Therefore, I sent them an email back, explaining that I had a project waiting on the answer, and I needed a yes or no. I asked to meet sooner than two weeks, and low and behold they went ahead and met with me. Now we are getting to the Generosity Mussar Practice.

With this incident fresh in my mind, our Mussar group started to wrestle with the question of what is expected from someone who receives a request for help. I then thought of all the times when someone asked me to do something I didn’t want to do. I didn’t want to say no and I certainly didn’t want to say yes. So more often than not, I procrastinated, and didn’t give a response. Or I would give a tepid response, and in effect stringing the other person along. I started to wonder if the people I was not responding to felt the way I had the night before, when my request was not being answered.

Now one might say, “But the reason I am not giving an answer is that I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. Or because I am afraid that they won’t like me if I say no, or I’ll be a bad person if I say no. Doesn’t that make it ok?” The answer is no, none of those rationalizations make it ok. Such people pleasing arises from a spiritual imbalance in multiple soul traits. Humility imbalance leads to a feeling of not being enough; Honor imbalance underestimates the other’s ability to find an alternate source of help, and the overall anxiety and uncertainty indicated a lack of Trust.

The Mussar lesson taught that a closed hand in stinginess is a symptom of a closed heart. One who is stingy keeps too much to themselves, and does’t share with others. When I procrastinate, and don’t answer others who are making a request of me, I am being stingy with my answer, and my heart is closed to the impact of the delay on the other person.

Thus comes the answer to the question: When someone comes to me and makes a request, I am obliged to give an answer promptly.

****Here’s the Generosity Mussar Practice***

Give prompt answers. Yes or no is all that is required of you. Don’t hold on to your answer. When someone honors you with a request for help, pay them promptly  with a respectful response.”

*****************

As it says in the Torah “The wages of a laborer shall not remain with you until morning.” (Leviticus 19:13). While this commandment is generally thought to apply to paying laborers promptly, it has a similar flavor to giving a prompt response to a request. Just as one might withhold payment out of stinginess, withholding of a “yes or no” is also a form of stinginess. If this reference doesn’t resonate for you, perhaps “Love your fellow as yourself” (Leviticus 19:18) will.

After all, no one likes to be left in limbo.

Does this generosity Mussar practice resonate with you? Please leave a comment below.

Want to know what parts of your soul lead you to procrastination or stinginess? Take the Soul Trait Quiz now?

Want to learn more about Mussar? Click here. 

Call on Boldness to Step Back from Busyness. Shabbat Is a Delight

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Shabbat is a delight
Shabbat is a delight when we create an oasis in time

Our sages say that Shabbat is a delight. You may know people who love Shabbat and keep it and say they wouldn’t be able to live without it. Shabbat is praised as a taste of the world to come. It is the time for deeper intimacy, for the pleasures of the table, for song, for joy, for true respite.

So why is it so hard to do? It is such a great idea, but hard to make real. Much as we might long for a weekly day off, a true oasis in time, it’s hard!! Our broader culture is all about action and resting is just not part of the program. Regular rest is hard to build into our lives. Yet with diligence and a Mussar trait called Azut d’kedusha – holy boldness – it is possible.

What is holy boldness and why will it help us leap over the barriers to making time for Shabbat? The Hebrew word azut is related to the word oz which means courage or strength. And what is d’kedusha? It is the strength of holiness. And we need that boldness when we want to bring holiness into our lives. For some people, holiness has an odd off-putting tone. While we may want to be spiritual, we are not sure that we want to be holy. But let’s look at the word kedusha one more time. Professor Dov Landau of Bar Ilan University tells us that kedusha is related to the sacred, the wondrous, the elevated, the numinous, the mysterious, and the awesome. Kedusha is an aspect of life that is undefinable.   We know it through our hearts and souls, not our intellect.

In the quest for these qualities we can be bold, we must be bold, because we live in the midst of a very secular world. We must be strong, even fierce, in the face of our never ending to-do lists. At the end of the day our task list is often longer than it was at the beginning of the day even though we might have been devoted to taking action all day long.

It is azut d’kedusha that gives us the chutzpah to say “no.” As Shabbat approaches we say that we are off the clock and off the hook. We put down our devices. We let people know that we are entering a world of time spaciousness.

We put aside our many tasks. We laugh at what I call the “just-one-more-thing” syndrome. That’s when we say “I will do just one more thing and then I will turn to the world of rest, then I will stop striving, then I will take that deep breath and trust that all will be well when I step off my treadmill.” But, the just one more thing turns into finishing ten more emails, and a few more texts, and perhaps a last check on social media. And then, the long wished for blessing of our oasis in time gets eaten up by our wish to just get on top of the many claims for our attention.

The word Shabbat means stop. That’s it. Just stop. So, now, just for a moment, carve out a little bit of time for your Shabbat rest. Find the time in your calendar when you are determined to turn off your phone, slow your movements, slow your breathing, and just for a little bit of time, that you set aside, ready or not, let go of achieving and turn to rest, to reflect and to play. Then, Shabbat is a delight.

This is a guest post is by Marilyn Paul, Ph.D. She is an organizational change facilitator and Mussar teacher.  Dr. Paul has taught Mussar in Jerusalem, Berkeley and the Boston area.  She is the author of “An Oasis in Time: How a Day of Rest Can Save Your Life ” and “It’s Hard to Make a Difference When You Can’t Find Your Keys: The Seven-Step Path to Becoming Truly Organized.” Please visit her website www.marilynpaul.com to learn more.