soul trait - American Mussar

Five Ways Mussar Can Make Halloween Jewish For Your Kids

October 26, 2018 By Greg Marcus 6 Comments

Updated October 30, 2018. Jews are founding members of the team of Light. While this has been a dark week, lets allow our kids and ourselves to enjoy a night of fun.

Halloween can be a mixed bag for many parents. Seeing lots of cute kids in costume is balanced by another straw a hectic and over-scheduled life. For Jewish parents, there is the extra baggage of a grumble from Rabbis and experts who say that this tradition with pagan origins is not appropriate for our kids.

The Jewish mindfulness practice of Mussar offers an opportunity to make Halloween more mindfully Jewish. Mussar teaches how to close the gap between our aspirational values and how we act in everyday life.

Five middot, or soul traits to make Halloween Jewish.

Joy/Simcha. Whenever I talk to small kids on Shabbat, I ask them “what is the number one rule of Shabbat? Shabbat is a delight.” I don’t share with them the full quote from Isaiah 58:13, which says “And you shall call the Shabbat a delight.” Since we are commanded to make one seventh of our life a delight, it is clear that Joy is a fundamental Jewish value. And if you are now thinking that your Shabbat is more about schlepping kids than joy, think of a way to bring a little more joy to your Shabbat too.
Gratitude. The soul trait of gratitude is known in Hebrew as Ha’karat ha’Tov, recognizing the good. Getting candy and wearing a costume are fun things that we should not take for granted. We can remind our kids that saying thank you is not only polite, but a fundamental part of being Jewish. And, we can model being grateful for the financial means to have a home, and to buy candy and costumes. There is a big difference between saying “You should be grateful that daddy bought you this costume” and “Daddy is grateful that we have a home to welcome all these kids, and the money to buy candy.”
Generosity. Mussar teaches that generosity is giving from an open heart, as opposed to Tzedakah, which is giving out of obligation. When you are preparing for Halloween, are you modeling generosity, or are you showing your kids a litany of stressed out comments about putting up decorations and having to buy candy? In addition, we can work with our children to find a way to give some of their candy to homeless kids or other people in need.
Honor/Kavod. The Talmud teaches that Rabbi Yochanan Ben Zakkai would greet others in the marketplace before they greeted him, even gentiles (Berachos 17a) Once I stopped rolling my eyes at “even gentiles” I realized how profound it was that a sage in a tribalistic society of 2000 years ago opened his heart to people who were not like him. Halloween is a holiday where it is ok and celebrated to be different. We can remind our kids of the importance of respecting other people’s costume choices. And by participating, we have an opportunity to mindfully decide to connect to a cultural tradition of our country.
Silence. In the book of Genesis, we learn that the world was created with speech. Indeed, we assist in the ongoing creation of the world with our speech every day. Be mindful of what you say and don’t say on and about Halloween. Are you using words like “lame or schlep,” or words like “cool and welcoming?” In addition, we can remind our kids that lashon ha’ra, or evil speech is not ok. In other words, don’t make negative comments or jokes about other people’s costumes or homes. Rabbi Hillel taught that one should always praise a bride as beautiful on her wedding day (Ketubot 17a). Why? Because a wedding is a time of joy. making negative comments about the groom’s shoes could detract from the joy of the occasion. Rather, we should proactively add joy. Similarly, we can teach our kids to praise the costumes of their friends and guests.

Finally, by taking a Mussar approach to make Halloween more Jewish, you are demonstrating to your family that one way to be Jewish is to show up as a mensch. Tell your kids that Joy, gratitude, generosity, honor and/or silence are fundamentally a part of being Jewish. Wherever you go and whatever your decide to do, we can bring a bit of Jewishness simply by choosing to live according to our values.

How will you make Halloween more Jewish this year?

Assume You Have a Divine Spark, an American Mussar Practice

May 16, 2017 By Greg Marcus 2 Comments

Recently I got the following question by email:

I’ve seen you write on several occasions that we all have a Divine Spark. I don’t believe it. I need external validation. My Divine Spark is flickering. It is very faint. What advice can you give me?

– Dark Inside

Dear Dark Inside,

Thank you for having the courage to admit that is how you feel. You are not alone. I also need external validation. As I shared in my book – despite my Ph.D. from MIT, and string of career successes, I felt worthless. To this day, I still fight those feelings, but thanks to Mussar they are not nearly as strong as they used to be.

My advice? Stop trying to believe that you have a Divine Spark. Rather, assume you have a Divine Spark. When we assume something to be true, we act as if it is, and don’t waste mental energy wondering and debating. Then, when a voice of doubt starts to talk in your head, you can answer with confidence based on this assumption. (See this excerpt which explains the Four Assumptions of American Mussar)

Moreover, the full assumption that I teach in The Spiritual Practice of Good Actions is that we all have a Divine Spark that is occluded by our baggage. When we practice Mussar, it helps us move the bags and let the light shine through. Or as Leonard Cohen wrote, the cracks let the light in.

I love the image of a flickering Divine Spark that you share. It is wonderful, because the flickering is caused by the baggage, not any defect in your spark. Again, you don’t need to believe it, just assume it is true, and use that as a basis for your Mussar practice.

Ask yourself, what if it were true that you have a Divine Spark? How would that change your self image, even for a moment? Rabbi Akiva taught that we were given two gifts, a Divine Spark and the knowledge that we have a Divine Spark. (Pirkei Avot 3:14). Knowing that you have a Divine Spark gives you the knowledge and comfort that you already have everything you need.

Remember that Mussar practice is a practice. By practice, I mean something that we do every day. We practice a musical instrument so that when the concert arrives, we play better. We practice Mussar to exercise our spiritual muscles in small situations. Then, when the challenge arrives, we find ourselves acting in a different way.

I encourage you to commit to your Mussar practice. Simply reading this post will not get you anywhere. In fact, your Evil Inclination may take this opportunity to make you feel better. Simply being reassured will set you back unless you allow that feeling to empower you to take action.

Each time you take action, you make a small change in your soul. Slowly, slowly over time the small changes will add up. The good news is that the more out of balance you feel, the more opportunity you have to make progress quickly.

So pick a soul trait, any soul trait, and commit to it for two weeks. Do the mantra, observe mindfully through the day, pick one small area for change, and journal at night. (I know, we all hate the journaling part.) Just write a few words on your napkin after dinner.

The next time you think your Divine Spark is faint, don’t sweat it. It just appears to be faint, the the corona around the sun during a lunar eclipse. Just assume the sun is burning brightly, and moving the moon even a bit will restore light to the world.

Sincerely,

Greg, practitioner, facilitator, and innovator of American Mussar

Not sure which soul trait to start with? Take the Soul Trait Profile Quiz for inspiration.

Want to learn more? Check out the list of Mussar books.

Feeling Overwhelmed? Try a Mussar Solution to Stress

April 1, 2016 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

It was a stressful time for me, perhaps one of the most stressful times since I left the corporate world six years ago. I was trying to raise money for a Mussar app called the Pocket Mensch, and we were falling short. I was overwhelmed, felt alone, and felt cut off from my Mussar practice. I asked myself, “What is going on? Isn’t Mussar supposed to help me here?” The Evil Inclination had the upper hand, and was feeding me messages that Mussar was useless. Glad to say that there is Mussar solution to stress.

Mussar helped, but, I had to fight to get myself back on track. Here are three soul traits that were impacted by my stress. By focusing on them, I found balance and healing.

Order as a Mussar solution to stress

Order is the Soul Trait that governs planning, how we structure our lives, as well as the very organization of our thoughts. Stress makes me miss appointments, ignore my to do list and lose things. Then I get frustrated and embarrassed. For me, Order is the canary in a coal mine. When Order breaks down, it is a signal to slow down. I started looking for simple ways to bring just a bit more order to my life, like putting things away immediately. And, I focused on slowing down and planning my day. Finally, I tried to get back to meditating. Just a few days of short meditations helped a lot.

Humility as a Mussar solution to stress

Humility out of balance leads to an excessive focus on the self. In my mind, it was all about me. No one would help me. It was unfair; I was sunk and doomed. Sound familiar? (Hope so, I’d hate to think I am the only one who gets this way.) I made a conscious effort to stop complaining, and to start asking for help. My family helped at home, and I others helped with the work-related stuff. The reality is that we are not alone. We all have people there to help us. (Not sure who to ask? Send me an email and I’ll try to help you.)

Trust as a Mussar solution to stress

Trust is short for Trust in God. If you are unsure of the Divinity, think of it as Trusting the Universe. Most things work out far better than our fear says they will. Something that seems awful today may have a kernel of good that will to something awesome.

Normally Trust is a source of strength for me, but when I was overwhelmed, it seemed like an alien concept. I don’t think the Trust was gone, it was simply blocked by the Evil Inclination.

Fighting and willing myself to Trust did no good, and just led to more frustration. Finally, I just let go, and decided to stop worrying about the outcome of the crowdfunding campaign. At 3 in the morning, I bolted awake with a sense of peace and Trust. And, I had a fully formed plan in my head to create the app for far less money. I took a few notes, went back to sleep, and then woke to find a text from a supporter waiting for me. It was a sign from the Universe.

Gratitude as a Mussar solution to stress

Gratitude is a bonus. Mussar teaches to be grateful for the good and the bad. It was hard for me to do either. Then, I read what I wrote in the 15 minutes of gratitude challenge earlier in the year. I realized that I have so much in my life, which helped immensely.

Today I feel so Grateful that almost 100 people contributed to the crowdfunding campaign, for my family, and for my cats. And I am grateful to my Mussar practice and community that helped me get back on track.

Want to start your own Mussar journey? Take the Soul Trait Profile Quiz now.

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