American Mussar

21st century Jewish spiritual practice for an authentic and meaningful life

How To Repent On Yom Kippur Like a Mensch

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Repent On Yom Kippur Like a Mensch
Finn does not play the Shofar, but he does ask for only one thing at a time

The first way to repent on Yom Kippur like a mensch is not to use the word repent. Rather, a mensch uses the word “return.”

The word in Hebrew is Teshuva, from the root “shuv” which means to return. I could not even begin to  guess at how many books and articles have been written on Teshuva over the few thousand years. But here is a good one if you’d like more info.

I have always gotten a lot out of Yom Kippur. The process of making it right with people, thinking about the past year, fasting, and going to services is both meaningful and transformative. My life changed on Yom Kippur when I was 40 – a sacred number in Judaism – it was the first of several strong spiritual experiences I’ve had on the holiday. (See page 4 here for the story).

How the Mensch Repents on Yom Kippur

Rabbi Alan Lew of blessed memory wrote “Teshuvah begins with a turn, a turn away from the external world and toward the inner realm of the heart.” (This is Real and You Are Completely Unprepared. p 157)

This teaching puts us within a Mussar framework because we are focusing on the inner world. In addition, “return” takes us away from the flavor of shame that can come with the word “repentance.”  Moreover, it implies that we already have what we need to do the right thing.

At the same  time, we can’t do it alone. This is especially true when it comes to longstanding hurts or habits. It is not an accident that 12 step programs turn to a higher power for help overcoming addiction. While a lifetime of habits are not an addition per se, they might as well be when it comes to changing some of them. So how do we ask for that help, especially if we are not sure about the Divinity? One hint to the answer comes from the 27th Psalm. King David wrote,

One thing I ask from the Divine, this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Divine
all the days of my life

As I wrote in the concluding chapter of The Spiritual Practice of Good Actions, “dwell in the house of the Divine” means to be a good person. Today let’s focus on the beginning of the phrase, where it says “one thing I ask.” David shows us that we can ask the Divine for help on a personal basis. And, we should ask for only one thing at a time.

In the month of Elul, it is traditional to read the 27th Psalm every day. Each day we’ll repeat it

One thing I ask…
One thing I ask…

One thing I ask…

Which brings us to a Mussar Practice to repent on Yom Kippur Like a Mensch

****Here’s the Mussar Practice***

Ask for one thing. In Elul, my friend and teacher Rachael Shea led a wonderful meditation on “One Thing.” This helped set the stage for  two personal transformation workshops I am in this year; – an American Mussar one I am facilitating, and one run by Rabbi David Jaffe. Both offer an opportunity to create a spiritual plan for transformation. Through the discussion in these groups, and the insights I had in the meditation, it has become clear to me that we should only ask the Divine to help us with one thing. Not because the Divine is unwilling to help us with more than one thing, but because we are only capable of changing one thing at a time!

When coaching kids in softball or soccer, we were taught to only correct one thing at a time. When they improve on the first thing, then we help them improve the next thing. Similarly, when I work with clients, we pick one change to make in our life at a time.

When you are in services or on your own, say quietly to yourself “Please help me________.”

If you are not sure of the Divinity, you may be wondering who will hear you. At minimum, you will hear yourself, which is an important step on the transformation path.

For those of you who do not celebrate the High Holidays, and/or are not Jewish, the general principles of asking for help and focusing on one thing at a time still hold. I encourage you to try this practice as well.

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This Mussar practice to repent on Yom Kippur like a mensch is an Order practice, as it says

First things first, and last things later – Pirkei Avot 5:10

A mensch remembers that there can only be one first priority. By asking for one thing, we bring our focus to a single thing we want to change. Yes, we have many things we want to improve about ourselves, but by going one at a time we can actually make lasting and meaningful transformation.

What is the one thing that you will ask for in 5780? Please comment below.

How to Disagree About Abortion Like a Mensch

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Disagree About Abortion Like a Mensch
Christian ethicist, David Gushee and abortion rights activist Frances Kissling disagree about abortion like a mensch

In this week when the political divide in this country is growing like a flesh eating bacterial infection, I am feeling blue. My political views are not a mystery, and I don’t like what is happening with the Supreme Court.

But even more, I am upset about the vitriol between regular people. The nastiness on the internet, and the rifts between friends and family is literally painful to me. I think I must be crazy for hosting an workshop on Healing the Political Divide next week.

Yet just a few days ago, I listened to an inspiring interview that gives me hope that we can bring healing between people. Krista Tippett talked to abortion-rights activist Frances Kissling on her podcast On Being. Kissling described a process she uses to bridge the gap, which I’ll share below in our practice for the week. But first, she invoked a few soul traits with her assumptions

  1. Don’t try to find common ground between apposing sides. I think she spoke her Truth when she explained that there isn’t a lot of common ground between a group of Catholic Bishops and abortion rights advocates.
  2. Recognize the good in the other side.  This reminds me of Gratitude mussar practice, to recognize the good and give thanks.
  3. Refuse to see the other side as evil. This is a wonderful Honor practice, in that we remember there is divine in each person.

With these three assumptions, we come to a Mussar practice, which is based directly on one of Francis Kissling’s tools.

****Here’s the Mussar Practice***

Say something that you are attracted to in the other side’s position, and something about your own sides position that gives you trouble. Speak out loud, either alone or to someone close to you. This is particularly powerful when you are paired with someone who disagrees with you. Frances Kissling, an abortion rights activist and Christian ethicist David Gushee use this tool at the end fo the podcast.

Kissling said, “I’m generally troubled by the one-value approach to the question. That the only value in both moral decision-making and in legality, is what the woman wants.” Complicated questions, like abortion for sex selection are not considered. And, she found something very attractive about the holistic approach to life and life-processes on the other side.

Gushee said, “One of the things I’m attracted to … is the sustained knowledgeable commitment to the well-being of women.” Gushee said he is concerned about that the activists who want to see Roe overturned might be leading to a world with more abortions if they are also shredding the safety net.

If these two people on opposite sides debate can each disagree about abortion like a mensch, then perhaps we can find something attractive in the position of people on the other side of the political chasm.

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This is a practice in the soul trait of Honor (Kavod.) Each of us has a Divine Spark that is occluded by our baggage. If you are unsure of the Divinity, think of it as the basic element of goodness that each of us has. Our baggage can keep us from seeing our own spark, or the spark of others. Or, it can keep others from seeing our own spark. The universal Divine Spark means that each of us has merit, as  Yehoshua ben Perachia said:

“Make for yourself a mentor, acquire for yourself a friend and judge every person as meritorious.” – Pirkei Avot 1:6

In his book “Every Day Holy Day,” Alan Morinis suggests the mantra “There is another side to the story” when we are working on judging others favorably. Getting to know someone you disagree with enough to see their side of the story is a menchy action, a Holy action.

May each of us find the strength to get to know one person on the other side well enough to see through their eyes.

Do you want to help heal the political Divide? Join the Healing the Political Divide Mussar Workshop on October 11th, 2018

How To Wait In Line Like a Mensch

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Wait In Line Like a Mensch
Which of these people are waiting in line like a mensch?

I am writing today from the DMV, while I wait for my daughter to take her learners permit test. The DMV is the great equalizer –everyone needs to go there. And when we go, waiting in line is inevitable.

At one point, I stood on my tippy toes to peak over the wall to see how many testing computers there were. “Dad, be patient!” my daughter said with exasperation.

“But I am being patient,” I thought. “I’m not ruminating or raging. I was just curious to see how many testing machines there are.”

“OK,” I said. I know better than to get into it with a teen. And really, she had a point. I was wondering how many computers there were, because the line just wasn’t moving.

Patience, like all soul traits, lives on a spectrum from too little to too much. Too little patience and we are angry and frustrated; too much and we are staying in bad situations without taking action. My peaking over the top was perhaps a strategy to try to deal with rising impatience. All of this makes me wonder:

How does one wait in line like a mensch?

When we wait in line, we have three options.

  • Wait with suffering and impatience.
  • Wait with indifference, zoning out or snacking on phone content.
  • Wait with connection and meaning.

There are no right or wrong answers per se. But if we want to wait in line like a mensch, we take the opportunity to make the most of the moment. A mussar practice comes to mind.

****Here’s the Mussar Practice***

Wait in line with a sense of wonder. As you wait, look around and try to find cool and interesting things.

The world is full of wonders and miracles, but we take our little hand and we cover our eyes and see nothing.” – The Baal Shem Tov

I tried this practice today, and it wasn’t easy. The DMV does not exactly present a feast for the eyes. Yet I was able to see some interesting patterns on the wall, and all kinds of different people. I wondered what their stories were. A few years ago, I would seek out longer lines, and say the Patience mantra “This too shall pass, and I have the strength to get by until it does.” Now that I don’t get frustrated waiting like I used to, this feels like the next challenge for me.

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R. Dov Ber of Radoshitz would waken his roommates with the call “Wake up, my brothers! A guest you’ve never seen has arrived. Once he leaves, you will never see him again. [Who is the guest?] Today.” I was going to spend two hours at the DMV no matter what. Instead of just hoping the time would pass as quickly as possible, why not try to make the most of the moment?

This is a Mussar Practice for Enthusiasm. B”en Azzai would say: “Run to pursue a minor mitzvah , and flee from a transgression. For a mitzvah brings another mitzvah, and a transgression brings another transgression.” (Pirkei Avot 4:2).

Life is the sum total of many minor moments, and a few major ones. Elevating the minor moments like waiting in line can add up to huge changes over time. If we can find meaning in the DMV, how much more so will we find in situations that inherently have more opportunities for meaning and connection?

As it happens, the DMV was the DMV. We were sent to the wrong line when we arrived. After two hours, we were told that we needed to come back with different paperwork. It was not a waste of time.

Where do you sit on the ladder of waiting in line? Reply below and let me know.

How To Remember September 11th Like A Mensch

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Remember September 11th Like A MenschI hadn’t planned on writing anything to commemorate September 11th, but as the day has progressed, here I am. The words just started to flow, beginning when I wrote the following on the American Mussar Facebook page:
Then I read an article called For 9/11 Families, A Bittersweet Anniversary Falls On Rosh Hashanah.  Reading about those Russian-speaking Jewish families who lost sons and daughters and sisters and brothers was tough. But I made myself keep reading to remember their stories. It brought something home to me: All of us lost something on 9/11. But some people lost people.
9/11 on Rosh Hashanah has a special resonance. It is a day of intense introspection that comes in a season of reflection. For example, this “like a mensch” series of blog posts started in the month of Elul, as I started to reflect more deeply on my life.
In fact, Rosh Hashanah is also known as the Day of Remembrance. Remembrance is one of the three parts of the Shofar service. The traditional interpretation is that we remember the covenant with God. Mishkan Ha’Nefesh, the Reform High Holiday prayer book, includes the phrase “The Divine wakens within us – a sudden awareness of Your presence.” If you are not sure about the Divinity, or don’t really understand the covenant,  think of the Shofar blast as a reminder to connect to the Divine in other people.
We do this on two ways on 9/11. The first is to come to a state of Hineni, a Hebrew word which means “HERE I AM.” On Rosh Hashanah, we read the story of the binding of Isaac from the Torah. When Abraham is about to slay his son, an angel calls out to him and he answers Hineni, Here I am. It is a moment of total attention, where life hangs by a knife edge. If we are to remember September 11th like a mensch, we must come from a place of Hineni. Then, we do the following Mussar Practice.

*** Here’s the Mussar Practice.***

Read names out loud. In Judaism we say, “May their memory be a blessing” to someone in mourning. Saying a person’s name is one way to keep their memory alive. A widowed friend recently told me she find that people are reluctant to say her husbands name, which is the last thing  she wants. “How can we make his memory a blessing if we never talk about him or say his name?”
While many of us don’t know the stories of those killed on 9/11, we can say their names.
Right now, read the names of the three people mentioned in the Forward article out loud:
  • Yelena ‘Helen’ Belilovsky
  • Marina Gertsberg
  • Vladamir Savinkin
Another option is to go to 911memorial.org, set a timer, and read names for a minute. I did this, and read 21 names.
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The Untaneh Tokef prayer on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur asks who will live and who will die? It goes on to list ways that we could go e.g  “who by fire and who by water, who by war and who by beast.”  And then it says, “But through return to the right path, through prayer and righteous giving, we can transcend the harshness of the decree.”
It is ok and normal to be sad on 9/11. We cannot change what happened, but we can work to transcend the harshness of the decree. Lets make this day about something more than sadness, and sharing stories of where we were when we found out about it.
Remembering those who were killed is a way for us to connect to other people, which helps us to return to the right path.
When we speak, we practice the Soul Trait of Silence, and assist the Divine in the ongoing act of creation of the world. How does reading the names of the dead create a better world?

How To Send An Email Like a Mensch

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haughtiness of spirit
See below for a Mussar Practice on how to send an email like a mensch and avoid haughtiness of spirit

The last two posts I’ve shared with you two Mussar practices inspired by my encounters with haughtiness of spirit. Did you try the practice for Humility related to how you dress, or the Order practice relating to where you put things down?

Somewhat to my amazement (and dismay) I had yet another encounter with haughtiness of spirit. Two in fact, and both related to email. Each time I was hasty, which means I was thinking more about my need to get done and not about the impact of my words on other people.

The first example is the more minor of the two: I sent an email with an error. The mail merge didn’t work, and instead of a name there was raw HTML.

In my rush to get the email out, I did not send myself a test message. My haste came with a cost – it looks bad, and moreover it dishonors something important to all of us – our name. Names are a big deal in Judaism. When I was a kid, the prayer book only had the names of the only the Patriarchs – now we include the Patriarchs and the Matriarchs. A name denotes importance, and in my haste I lost an opportunity to connect with people in the American Mussar community.

But the bigger mistake was an email I sent to a friend that was tone deaf to some anger in the email I was answering. 9 times out of 10, what I wrote would have been just fine. But not this time. I’ll keep the details vague, but because I didn’t follow up on something, and then did not address it in the email, a budding friendship was damaged. Not only was the recipient really mad at me, but also at a third person who wasn’t even on the email chain.

In circumstances like this, it can be tempting to blame the other person for their reaction. But Mussar teaches that primary responsibility falls on the speaker, not the listener for communication. I should have done better, and am working on repair.

Which brings us to another Mussar Practice to try to help combat haughtiness of spirit.

****Here’s the Mussar Practice***

Send yourself a test email, and read it before sending the real thing. If you can, do this for an entire week. But realistically, the number of us who could actually do this practice for a week is zero. Too big a leap. But each of us can try it for a day, or an hour, or a few times. And then we can add a few more.

And as you read it, think on the words of Rabbi Menachem Mendel Lefin who wrote in the Mussar classic Cheshbon Ha’Nefesh, “Before you open your mouth, be silent and reflect: “What benefit will my speech bring me or others?”

This practice relates to the soul trait of Silence. Rabbi Alan Lew reminds us that the Torah teaches that the world was created with speech. We too create a different world when we speak, or in this case communicate by email. The communications I sent lost an opportunity to create a better world, and in one case created a worse version of the world.

For me, this practice can help me deal with this longstanding tendency I have towards “haughtiness of spirit.” Each and every email, I’ll come face to face with my own importance, and force myself to really think about the person I am communicating with. I’ll be the first to admit, there is a danger for me in this, as sometimes I can cycle through lots of drafts of “important” emails and get paralyzed. But hey – the way I look at it, I can’t go wrong spending more time making sure my communications are sent in the spirit of service to others.

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I don’t think it is an accident that the last few weeks have featured several missteps that all point to my issues with haughtiness of spirit. While I have made lots of progress, there is clearly more work I have to do. This is the Jewish month of Elul, the last of the year, and a time traditionally devoted to self reflection to prepare for the High Holidays. I am being given a gift from the Divine, an opportunity to notice and focus on a key part of my spiritual curriculum that is ready to heal. If you are unsure of the Divinity, think of it as the Universe, or the best part of yourself.

The path of the mensch isn’t always easy. We measure ourselves by impact, not our intention. It is, however, very rewarding. One can gain an exquisite sensitivity to the impact our actions have on others, both to the good and not so good.

Each and every one of us has the capacity to be a mensch, and I so hope you’ll join me in some of these transformative practices.

Want to experience Mussar and personal transformation in community? Sign up for the Personal Transformation High Holidays Mussar Workshop