Mussar Practice - American Mussar

Cherish Your Non-Jewish Partner This Rosh Hashanah

September 14, 2020 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

In 2004 Rabbi Janet Marder at Congregation Beth Am in Los Altos sent shockwaves through the Jewish world by blessing the non-Jewish spouses who were members of the congregation on Yom Kippur. The message was clear: Cherish your non-Jewish partner.

Rabbi Marder said, “What we want to thank you for today is your decision to cast your lot with the Jewish people by becoming part of this congregation, and the love and support you give to your Jewish partner.” You can read the entire blessing here.

The blessing took place a few years before my family joined that congregation, and people were still talking about it. At the time, my wife was not Jewish and we picked Beth Am because the website was covered with welcoming messages, and our makeup is diverse – interfaith, same sex, intercultural marriages abound. We felt comfortable and welcomed. But it didn’t mean that there weren’t issues, issues that I was insensitive to.

I now understand how much I took my wife’s decision to embrace raising a Jewish family for granted. When I went back and read the blessing today, the following passage really struck me. “You come to services, even when it feels strange and confusing at first. You hum along to those Hebrew songs, and some of you even learn to read that difficult language.”

As I have written before, I am uncomfortable when people use Hebrew phrases that I don’t know. How much more difficult it must be for people who did not grow up Jewish. I’ll be honest, I didn’t really put it together, I did not put myself in her shoes.

Rabbi Marder’s blessing from 16 years ago also reminds me how Mussar can help strengthen relationships, by helping us recognize and cherish the differences in the other. To be clear, I think it is particularly important to cherish the differences, because despite those differences, our partner chooses to be with us.

Mussar, particularly American Mussar, offers an opportunity offers intermarried couples an opportunity to share Jewish values in everyday life without needing to know Hebrew or traditional ritual practice. Being a good person is the essence of being Jewish, and Mussar offers a roadmap to bring our everyday actions into alignment with our aspirational values. Here are three soul traits that can help us cherish our non-Jewish partner.

Honor Rabbi Marder was demonstrating the Soul Trait of Honor, in that she was going out of her way to Honor the Divine spark in others, when they are different from us. We can practice Honor by asking our partner how they are doing, and if they are uncomfortable or struggling with any part of the Rosh Hashanah experience. Work to make them feel more comfortable.

Gratitude – I did not sufficiently appreciate my wife for agreeing to raise a Jewish family. Take my advice, say thank you, and go out of your way to show your Gratitude by being sensitive and inclusive. The person you are with wants to be included, and understandably may be struggling. As Rabbi Marder said, “We know that some of you have paid a significant price for the generous decision you made to raise Jewish children. You have made a painful sacrifice, giving up the joy of sharing your own spiritual beliefs and passing your own religious traditions down to your kids. I hope your children and your spouse tell you often how wonderful you are, and that their love and gratitude, and our love and gratitude, will be some compensation, and will bring you joy.”

Order – Don’t just assume that your non-Jewish partner has to do all the child care or food preparation. When the kids were little, I often left it to my wife to take them out so I didn’t have to miss any of the service. Offer them an opportunity to participate in services and take your turn bringing the kids outside if they start to act up. And do some planning, to find an activity that the whole family can do together. For example, after services, plan to get together with a large group of friends.

Moses said, “I place before you today a blessing and a curse.” (Deuteronomy 11:26). This is a choice we all have every day. The reality is that you have someone in your life who care about you, but is really different. It might be an intermarriage, but there are other ways to be different. You might both be Jewish, but one of you is apathetic or unenthusiastic. Or you may share the same religion, but one of you is a vegan, or god forbid, a someone who supports the other political party.

You can choose to ignore the differences, and allow them to be a source of conflict or pain. Or, you can choose to make them a blessing, and go out of your way to connect despite your differences.

On Rosh Hashanah, we are given an opportunity to really look at those relationships, to make amends for our mistakes, and decide to do better in the future.

Want to start your own Mussar journey? Click here to take the free Soul Trait Profile Quiz now

Image Credit: Rosh Hashanah by Lilach Daniel via Flickr CC

Mussar Practice For Moderating Enthusiasm

September 10, 2020 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

I often get signals from the universe when I am embarking on the right soul trait, and the upcoming Enthusiasm practice is no exception. This weekend someone asked a question on the Enthusiasm practice page about the following passage from Proverbs 24:

“A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest-and poverty will come on you like a thief and scarcity like an armed man.”

It reminded me of a mantra I created for myself when I was younger: “Too much is never enough.” I liked to live 100% all the time. I was studying, working, dancing,, partying. Something had to be going on all the time. Is it a wonder that I became workaholic? There is never a right time for that mantra – it nearly led to disaster in my life.

As Ben Zoma said in Pirkei Avot 4:1 “Who is wealthy? The one who is happy with their portion.” All this go go go was to distract myself from low self esteem. When I became content with who I was, I recognized the abundance in my life and let go of the “always on” lifestyle.

Today when practicing Enthusiasm, I much prefer the mantra “Run to do good.” Yes, we want to proactively look for ways to make the world a better place. But it does not say “Always run to do good.” There are times when we need to rest and recover.

The Jewish holidays offer a great opportunity to slow down, look within, and allow yourself to recover. With that in mind, I’m going to cancel the Jewish Wisdom For Coping with a Pandemic gatherings on September 17, 24 and October 1st go give myself time for rest, recovery and a little more grief work.

What is it that you will focus on during the High Holidays? Is this a time for you to put some things on pause? Reply below – I’d love to know.

Image by Ralf Designs from Pixabay

What Do You Need to Park in Order to be Present?

August 27, 2020 By Greg Marcus 2 Comments

What do you need to park right now in order to be present for the next hour?

The question was asked by my new Mussar teacher Rabbi Janet Madden, and it struck my like a lightening bolt. For me the answer was obvious – I need to stop checking the air quality on my phone. Right now those of us living in the Bay Area are surrounded by fires, and depending on the wind the air quality ranges from “not bad” to “totally unhealthy” from the smoke. I have been checking my phone all the time, not just for my town but for various towns around the area. A place 20 miles away can have very different air quality.

And this helps me how? Not at all really. In fact, it had become an obsessive habit, even when I wake up at night. So, I decided then to stop checking my phone, and “park” the need to check it.

“Park” is an interesting word to come up, given that we have been practicing humility, and “Park considerately” was one of our possible actions. The AQI (Air quality index) checking was very much invading my space, and I needed to park it to be in the moment.

Of course it was not so simple. Checking was an obsessive habit, and not checking in the short term caused more stress and distraction. That is where this week’s soul trait was helpful: Patience.

Patience is not about being calm, but rather enduring an uncomfortable situation. I invoked Patience to help me weather the transition from “checking” to “being present.” While I was not completely free from the impulse to check the AQI, it was lessened and overall I could be more present.

What do you need to park in order to be more present? To help you keep it parked, remember the Patience mantra: This too shall pass, and I have the strength to get by until it does.

To your own Patience practice, please join us for Jewish Wisdom For Coping with a Pandemic, which meets every Thursday at 4 Pacific over Zoom. No background is needed for these drop in calls – people of any age, gender and religion welcome.

Mussar Awe Practice To Gain Strength in These Times

July 31, 2020 By Greg Marcus 1 Comment

Have you ever had something show up in your life at the exact moment when you need it? This happens to me all the time when it comes to the soul trait I am practicing. I must say this happened to me less often the last few months, as I sank into and then emerged from the fog of grief. But I was thrilled to experience it again a few days ago.

I was meeting with my study partner Henri, when out of the blue, the book we are reading started to cover Awe, which is our topic for this Thursday. Duties of the Heart is itself a source of Awe for me. It was written in the 11th century in Judeo-Arabic, hundreds of years before the printing press. Yet we still read this first full book on Mussar today, and it’s lessons are spot on.

ibn Paquda wrote that one who knows how to calculate the cycles of the stars but does not, is like one who drinks and listens to music at a party but does not notice the wonder of creation. This reminds me of the people who are going to bars, or listening to conspiracy theories and ignoring the perils of Covid-19. Most of these people have sufficient education to understand what is happening, yet they choose not to. Which brings us to a Mussar practice.

****Here’s the Mussar Awe Practice*

What are you missing? The Baal Shem Tov founder of the Chasidic movement taught the following:
The world is full of wonders and miracles, but we take our little hand and we cover our eyes and see nothing

What is it that you are not seeing? Do you see the wonder of Covid? It is horrible, yet as a scientist part of me is fascinated that a virus can jump to humans and then infect all kinds of tissues in the body. Sometimes it kills healthy people, and more often than not our immune system fights it off. (Notice how close Awe and Fear come, as we covered last week.) The world is bigger and more powerful than humankind, and if we keep ignoring the threats of this disease and global warming, we are going to pay for it.

My suggestion is to start with something small. For example, once I was out walking, ruminating on something, and I decided to just stop and take a breath. Suddenly I heard birds singing. They had been singing all along. What is a small miracle that you are missing?

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Please give this practice a try, and then let me know how it goes. If you do, you’ll have an opportunity to experience how much energy we can gain from experiencing Awe. As always, I answer every email and comment.

This post was a lead in for the July 30th Jewish Wisdom For Coping with a Pandemic gathering on Zoom. You can watch the video here.

This Mussar Practice Can Help With Isolation

May 27, 2020 By Greg Marcus 1 Comment

I don’t need Rabbinical school to guessing that the plague has completely disrupted your normal routine. Whether you are still sheltering at home, or are just missing new movies and live sporting events, it seems like nothing is the way it was. And so it is fitting that Order is next up in our rotation of soul traits. (Order is covered in Chapter 13 of The Spiritual Practice of Good Actions.)

The Hebrew word for order is Seder, which you probably recognize from Passover. The Seder is an ordered and organized meal. Order brings with it a sense of stability and predictability, two things sorely lacking in the world right now. When we don’t have them, we feel stress.

Many people, including my family, are using the extra time at home to practice Order by finally cleaning out that overstuffed closed. My wife is organizing our boxes of old photos, which has allowed us to revisit some wonderful memories.

As the same time, we don’t want to try to stuff too much Order into our lives when we are reeling with trauma and stress. You don’t need to be productive – this is not necessarily the time to finally write that novel. We need to get through, which is why I recommend the following Mussar practice that has the right amount of Order. And, this Mussar practice can help with isolation.

*************Here’s the Mussar Practice******************

Schedule times to call other people. Put a time on your calendar every day to reach out to someone else. It can be a short check in, or a long catch up of 15-45 minutes. This will help you feel less isolated. And if you aren’t feeling isolated, it can help someone else feel less isolated.

After all, Mussar is about bearing the burden of the other. Right now, we all need each other to get through this.

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What can I tell you, I’m an old school guy who misses the spontaneous phone calls of years gone by. It has been really wonderful getting calls from old and new friends, checking in to see how I am. Together, let’s emulate Rabbi Yochanan Ben Zakkai, who made it a practice to greet others in the market before they could greet him (Talmud Berachot 17a). In a similar way, let’s be the ones to proactively reach out and connect to others.

I am going to make my phone calls at 4PM time. How about you? Please leave a comment below. Scheduling a time, and publicly committing to it makes it more likely that you will follow through.

And please join us Thursday at 4 PM Pacific for our weekly Jewish Wisdom For Coping in a Pandemic Zoom call. No prior anything required.

Image by tommyzwartjes from Pixabay

**********************Here’s the Mussar Awe Practice*******************

****Here’s the Mussar Awe Practice*