Honor - American Mussar

How to Disagree About Abortion Like a Mensch

October 5, 2018 By Greg Marcus 1 Comment

In this week when the political divide in this country is growing like a flesh eating bacterial infection, I am feeling blue. My political views are not a mystery, and I don’t like what is happening with the Supreme Court.

But even more, I am upset about the vitriol between regular people. The nastiness on the internet, and the rifts between friends and family is literally painful to me. I think I must be crazy for hosting an workshop on Healing the Political Divide next week.

Yet just a few days ago, I listened to an inspiring interview that gives me hope that we can bring healing between people. Krista Tippett talked to abortion-rights activist Frances Kissling on her podcast On Being. Kissling described a process she uses to bridge the gap, which I’ll share below in our practice for the week. But first, she invoked a few soul traits with her assumptions

Don’t try to find common ground between apposing sides. I think she spoke her Truth when she explained that there isn’t a lot of common ground between a group of Catholic Bishops and abortion rights advocates.
Recognize the good in the other side. This reminds me of Gratitude mussar practice, to recognize the good and give thanks.
Refuse to see the other side as evil. This is a wonderful Honor practice, in that we remember there is divine in each person.

With these three assumptions, we come to a Mussar practice, which is based directly on one of Francis Kissling’s tools.

**Here’s the Mussar Practice*

Say something that you are attracted to in the other side’s position, and something about your own sides position that gives you trouble. Speak out loud, either alone or to someone close to you. This is particularly powerful when you are paired with someone who disagrees with you. Frances Kissling, an abortion rights activist and Christian ethicist David Gushee use this tool at the end fo the podcast.

Kissling said, “I’m generally troubled by the one-value approach to the question. That the only value in both moral decision-making and in legality, is what the woman wants.” Complicated questions, like abortion for sex selection are not considered. And, she found something very attractive about the holistic approach to life and life-processes on the other side.

Gushee said, “One of the things I’m attracted to … is the sustained knowledgeable commitment to the well-being of women.” Gushee said he is concerned about that the activists who want to see Roe overturned might be leading to a world with more abortions if they are also shredding the safety net.

If these two people on opposite sides debate can each disagree about abortion like a mensch, then perhaps we can find something attractive in the position of people on the other side of the political chasm.

*****************************

This is a practice in the soul trait of Honor (Kavod.) Each of us has a Divine Spark that is occluded by our baggage. If you are unsure of the Divinity, think of it as the basic element of goodness that each of us has. Our baggage can keep us from seeing our own spark, or the spark of others. Or, it can keep others from seeing our own spark. The universal Divine Spark means that each of us has merit, as Yehoshua ben Perachia said:

“Make for yourself a mentor, acquire for yourself a friend and judge every person as meritorious.” – Pirkei Avot 1:6

In his book “Every Day Holy Day,” Alan Morinis suggests the mantra “There is another side to the story” when we are working on judging others favorably. Getting to know someone you disagree with enough to see their side of the story is a menchy action, a Holy action.

May each of us find the strength to get to know one person on the other side well enough to see through their eyes.

Do you want to help heal the political Divide? Join the Healing the Political Divide Mussar Workshop on October 11th, 2018

How I Beat Overwhelm With Jewish Wisdom

July 24, 2018 By Greg Marcus 10 Comments

This year of living distractedly continues for me. Lots of moving parts in my life, from mom’s health issues, travel, and prepping to launch a kiddo to college. My mind is filled with so many ideas, but I have been blocked about putting fingers to keys. The sense of overwhelm keeps coming in, and my mind flits around and nothing gets done. And no, I don’t count the updates on Facebook, or the articles in the Forward/Tablet that I read online.

One source of joy and stability for me has been Jewish events and networking. Three days at the Limmud Bay Area Festival 2018 were just wonderful. I facilitated a session called Jewish Wisdom For Stress Free Parenting. It was magical – about 14 people that included an Orthodox woman nursing an 8 month old, 2 twenty something brothers without kids, a mom and her teen son, grandparents, fathers.

Having us all come together and share something was anything but overwhelming – it was peaceful. I am very grateful to my friend Estee Solomon Gray for both introducing me to Limmud, and all of the work she put in over the years to make the event successful.

Last weekend my wife and I went to the Beth Am Asilomar Retreat. It was a wonderful weekend of Jewish learning and Jewish community. I had a revelation while Rabbi Sarah Weissman was teaching us Talmud: Many people say that I am a very good facilitator. I realized that when I am facilitating, I am channeling Rabbi Sarah’s method – there is never a wrong answer, no matter how “out there” a comment might seem at first glance. She infuses enthusiasm, creativity, and insight in the groups she facilitates, and we all walk away feeling empowered. I thanked Rabbi Sarah, and we had a nice chat. In those moments of conversation, I was anything but overwhelmed.

This experience inspired me to share a Mussar Practice. With it, you too can beat overwhelm with Jewish Wisdom.

Here’s the Practice

Speak in the name of someone. Pirkei Avot 6:6 lists 48 ways of acquiring Torah. One is “Saying a thing in the name of one who said it.” Or put another way, give credit where credit is due. This practice reminds us not take for granted the good things in the world. They often have an origin, and in fact a person who brought them about. It also is a way to remind us that we did not get where we are on our own. Recognizing those who taught us, even small things, is a path towards both connection and order in the universe.

Take a few moments to think about some of your “go to moves” that make you successful. Who did you learn them from? Find a way to thank that person, and name them to others. For example, be sure to let people know whose recipe you are using, or who taught you the technique that helped you solve a problem at work.

************************

In each of the stories I shared above, connecting with others was a path out of overwhelm. And what better way to connect with others than to recognize a teacher? In Pirkei Avot 1:6, Yehoshua ben Perachia says, “Make for yourself a mentor, acquire for yourself a friend and judge every person as meritorious.”

Speaking in the name of your teacher is a step on the path for friendship and mentorship. And if your teacher is no longer alive, you make their memory a blessing by invoking their name with what they taught you.

Please begin this practice by sharing the name of a teacher below, and what they taught you.

How Not To Offer Help – a Mussar Practice Perspective

June 15, 2018 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

Imagine yourself a writer with two books. You are waiting in line after an event to introduce yourself to the speaker. Someone in front of you was talking about a manuscript they have that no one will publish. You offer your card, saying you’ll introduce them to your agent for the book. After some more conversation on and off over the next 15 minutes, you walk away thinking, “They will never email me.”

You go on to construct a story in your head about everything wrong with this other person. You know Mussar enough to recognize a soul trait imbalance in the other, and weave that imbalance into your story. After all, they bragged to you that they already had one book out that sold more than 10,000 copies. You decide they would rather be a victim about their book and story, rather than taking ownership and opportunities for help.

You even find a text to back you up.

He who purifies himself will be assisted. One who sets out to defile himself will find the way open. (Yoma 38b)

You teach text all the time to help build resilience. When we are willing to reach out to others and ask for help to improve, help will be provided. But if we want to let ourselves go down a negative path, we have the free will to make those choices.

As you may have guessed by now, this is not a hypothetical example. I am describing an incident that happened recently, and those thoughts and reactions were my own.

I journaled about them, and a small warning bell went off in my head.

Greg, you are being awfully judgy.

Judging others is a big no no in a Mussar practice. The soul trait of Honor teaches us to be wary of judgements. So I asked myself a question: “What other explanation is there for this person’s actions? Maybe I did or said something that elicited their response.”

Here are a few things I noticed when I thought about our interactions in more detail:

They never asked me for help or advice
I inserted myself into their conversation several times as they spoke to different people
The final time I inserted myself, I said something about writing 2 books, to which they responded about the success of their first book.

My entire perspective on the experience changed. I don’t know what their situation is, and frankly it isn’t any of my business. Offering help is a fine thing to do, but all the other stuff, including the story and judgements I constructed is the work of the Evil Inclination throwing me off track.

And it is an important reminder of the following teaching:

“Wisdom is what brings a person to conceit and haughtiness more than anything else, because it derives from a noble quality that is inherent in the person himself—the intellect.” –Rabbi Chaim Luzatto, Path of the Just

The tone of this quote is a bit harsh, but I don’t take it that way. My Mussar knowledge should not be used to judge other people. And I normally don’t push myself on others in that way. I find comfort that this mistake is made by many of the most wise.

And I am so thankful that I have this practice to help me learn and grow.

Want to give Mussar a try? Take the Soul Trait Quiz.

Photo by Jonas Jacobsson on Unsplash

Mussar Practice Can Heal the Political Divide Within the Jewish Community

May 19, 2017 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

Whoever you voted for in the last Presidential election, I think we can all agree that we are living in dangerous times for the US, Israel, and the American Jewish community. We are seeing an uptake in anti-sematic acts like the burning of the Beth Hamedrash Hagadol synagogue in New York that is suspected to be caused by arson, and the desecration of Jewish cemeteries. In my area in San Francisco Bay Area, some synagogues are hiring on site security people for the first time to allay the fears of parents about dropping their kids off. To deal with this time of danger, we need to recognize that Mussar practice can heal the political divide within the Jewish community.

Jane Eisner’s editorial in the Forward “Enough After Israel Intelligence Betrayal?” makes the argument that President Trump’s recent actions have exacerbated the danger to Jews and Israel. Eisner highlights many of the actions Trump has or his administration have taken, such as failure to keep his promises to relocate the US embassy to Jerusalem, and to cancel the Iran Deal. In addition, Trump berated an Orthodox Jewish reporter, stood by when someone in his administration said that the Kotel is not part of Israel, and now has endangered Israeli intelligence assets by improperly communicating info to Russia. She gives each example to build a case why Jewish (mostly Orthodox) Trump supporters should reconsider their support for the President.

While I agree with many of Eisner’s points, the article has an accusatory tone, with a subtext of “how can you still be so stupid to stand by Trump.” I’m sorry, but rubbing Trump voters’ noses in the poo will not change anyone’s mind, and certainly won’t help heal the divide plaguing this country.

Right now we are in the period of the Omer, when we remember the 24,000 disciples of Rabbi Akiva who died because they did not have Kavod (Honor/Respect) for one another. The deep divisions within American, and within the Jewish community concern me, and make me wonder if we are setting ourselves up for another great tragedy. There is no way Trump would have been elected were it not for a reservoir of pain, frustration, and alienation for him to exploit.

The Jewish Spiritual Practice of Mussar offers each of us an alternative. We can practice the soul trait of Honor by listening, questioning, and inviting the Other into relationship. Rather than ask, “have you had enough yet?” we can ask, “Is this what you were expecting?” You voted based on one set of information. As new information comes to the fore, is this a President you can still support? Where do we have common ground? We may disagree on the Egalitarian space at the Wall, but we all agree that it is an inseparable and integral part of Israel.

Mussar is a Jewish spiritual practice that can help each and every one of us become a mensch. The first step is to stop salivating on the non-menchy behavior or mistakes of others. Pirkei Avot (1:6) teaches that we should give all individuals the benefit of the doubt. Let’s be clear – I am not advocating giving Trump the benefit of the doubt, not given the pattern of behavior we have seen these last months in office. But the people who voted for them, how about we show them the benefit of the doubt?

Now more important than ever. We must resist the urge to say “I told you so”, or to characterize supporters on the other side as evil, racist, weak, stupid, or corrupt. To be frank, the last election no longer matters, nor does the next one. What matters is healing our community to stand together against a common threat. We saw a great example of this recently when Jewish students from across the political spectrum came together at Northwestern to protest a convicted Palestinian terrorist who was speaking.

The split between the Orthodox and the rest of the Jewish community is not a secret. If we can model menchy behavior, respectful speech, healing, and coming together towards a common position on the political crisis, imagine the example we could set for the rest of the world. For as it says in Proverbs 18:19 “It is harder to win an offended brother than a strong city.” And when we do, we shall be a “light to the nations— so that all the world may be saved.” Isaiah 49:6.

This is not a job you can outsource to someone else. Mussar practice offers a path in which we take responsibility for our own actions. As a first step, elevate your conduct on the internet, by replacing shaming and accusatory language with questioning, listening, and inviting another’s opinion into your worldview. As it says in Proverbs “To answer someone before hearing him out is both stupid and embarrassing.”

The good news is that we don’t need to model consensus or universal agreement. We just need to model how to disagree and remain in community. And when we do, the areas of common interest will rise to the fore.

Who will you reach out to today?

Looking for a Mussar book that focuses on social action? Check out Changing the World from the Inside Out: A Jewish Approach to Personal and Social Change by Rabbi David Jaffe on our Mussar Books page.

Mussar Basics: Pirkei Avot Asks Who Is Wise

April 27, 2017 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

When it comes to Mussar basics, Pirkei Avot is high on the list. It is hard for me to describe the delight I felt while attending a wonderful webinar by Yaakov Feldman discussing my favorite lesson from Pirkei Avot. If you are not familiar with Pirkei Avot, you are in for a treat.

First, let me start by sharing the text of Pirkei Avot 4:1 (from Sefaria.org)

ben Zoma says: Who is the wise one? He who learns from all men, as it says, “I have acquired understanding from all my teachers” (Psalms 119:99).

Who is the mighty one? He who conquers his impulse, as it says, “slowness to anger is better than a mighty person and the ruler of his spirit than the conqueror of a city.” (Proverbs 16:32).

Who is the rich one? He who is happy with his lot, as it says, “When you eat [from] the work of your hands, you will be happy, and it will be well with you” (Psalms 128:2). “You will be happy” in this world, and “it will be well with you” in the world to come.

Who is honored? He who honors the created beings, as it says, “For those who honor Me, I will honor; and those who despise Me will be held in little esteem” (I Samuel 2:30).

ben Zoma is a hero of mine – he was not a Rabbi, and I find it inspiring that he teaches that we can learn from anyone. The soul trait of Honor reminds us that part of our mission in the world is to respect the Divine in everyone. Feldman explains this basic interpretation, and then turns it on it’s head. He reminds us that most people don’t know much, and that many people are fools. What are we to learn from them? Feldman says that we can learn from a fools mistakes. I was a bit uncomfortable with this lesson. Who am I to call another a fool? And moreover, are they a fool about everything? Then I remembered that, I wrote a blog post calling Bernie Sander’s supporters fools for blindly believing fake news about Hilary Clinton. It is an important lesson for all of us.

Feldman also contrasts the idea of learning from everyone with the idea of having one master to learn from. There are strands of Judaism that tend to follow a Rebbe, a singular leader, and branches of Mussar that limit the universe of texts from which we draw inspiration. I carry more of the ben Zoma sensibility – there are lessons to be learned from everyone. Yes, of course there are Rabbis and masters to learn from, but there are also more secular experts like Brene Brown, as well as menchy people in our own lives who may never have read a word of Torah. And, we can learn from our kids, parents, the check out person in the grocery store, and the homeless.

You are heartily invited to give the webinar a view. Rabbi Feldman goes on to discuss each of the parts of the teaching. Strength is measured by overcoming the worst part of ourself. I live the way Feldman kept saying “little by little” – that is how we do Mussar. The “little by little” approach works, and can show immediate results. Riches are measured by the Soul Trait of Gratitude, being content with what you have. (more below)

Feldman ends the webinar with an invitation to develop a personal relationship to God, to ask God questions and to make God a presence in your life. I know that many of you are not sure of the Divinity, and I admit that I found his suggestion somewhat jarring. But then again, he brings up an interesting point: When you learn to ask God for help, you learn to ask others for help too.

The whole webinar is part of a backstory to our Mussar practice. Ending with Humility – an invitation to ask for help – WOW.

Where do you need help in your life? Where do you want help? Are they the same? Take a few moments to write down an answer.

Interested in reading Pirkei Avot or other Mussar books? See the recommended translation on the Mussar Books page.

Hat tip to The Mussar Institute for producing the great webinar series about Pirkei Avot.

****Here’s the Mussar Practice***

*****************************

****Here’s the Practice****

**Here’s the Mussar Practice*

Here’s the Practice