American Mussar

21st century Jewish spiritual practice for an authentic and meaningful life

What Do You Need to Park in Order to be Present?

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What Do You Need to Park?
Parking my weather app helped me stop obsessing about air quality

What do you need to park right now in order to be present for the next hour?

The question was asked by my new Mussar teacher Rabbi Janet Madden, and it struck my like a lightening bolt. For me the answer was obvious – I need to stop checking the air quality on my phone. Right now those of us living in the Bay Area are surrounded by fires, and depending on the wind the air quality ranges from “not bad” to “totally unhealthy” from the smoke. I have been checking my phone all the time, not just for my town but for various towns around the area. A place 20 miles away can have very different air quality.

And this helps me how? Not at all really. In fact, it had become an obsessive habit, even when I wake up at night. So, I decided then to stop checking my phone, and “park” the need to check it.

“Park” is an interesting word to come up, given that we have been practicing humility, and “Park considerately” was one of our possible actions. The AQI (Air quality index) checking was very much invading my space, and I needed to park it to be in the moment.

Of course it was not so simple. Checking was an obsessive habit, and not checking in the short term caused more stress and distraction. That is where this week’s soul trait was helpful: Patience.

Patience is not about being calm, but rather enduring an uncomfortable situation. I invoked Patience to help me weather the transition from “checking” to “being present.” While I was not completely free from the impulse to check the AQI, it was lessened and overall I could be more present.

What do you need to park in order to be more present? To help you keep it parked, remember the Patience mantra: This too shall pass, and I have the strength to get by until it does. 

To your own Patience practice, please join us for Jewish Wisdom For Coping with a Pandemic, which meets every Thursday at 4 Pacific over Zoom. No background is needed for these drop in calls – people of any age, gender and religion welcome.

Did You Lose Patience Over The Holidays?

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lose patienceDid You Lose Patience Over The Holidays?

I did.

I am throughly enjoying having my daughter home from college. The four of us took a last minute holiday out of town for a night, went to the movies on Christmas, and have enjoyed watching the Marvelous Mrs Maisel Season 2. We have generally enjoyed being together, except for when things got a bit… testy. Two teens and two fifty-somethings with strong opinions – lets just say things got heated a few times. Nothing to send us to family therapy, but …

A few times I got mad at someone else. Sometimes I lost my Patience and said something, which threw gas on the fire. Other times I found my Patience and stayed silent. What did those two situations have in common? I was challenged and upset each time.

There is this misconception that being patient means staying calm. This is not correct. Mussar teaches that when we are calm, we don’t need Patience. We only need Patience when we are challenged; when we are in discomfort of some kind. When we lose Patience, we act out and lose control.

Recently, I was talking to a student, another Mussar father, about what it is like to stay Patient when triggered by a family member. I’ll relate it here.
Imagine you and a family member are both standing in the kitchen. They are saying and doing things that push your buttons. They are not attacking you, just saying and doing things that really bother you. You want to tell them to stop; you want to walk out of the room; to throw up your hands in exasperation; to roll your eyes; to look away; to grimace; to say “what’s the big deal”…

Instead, you stand there, maintaining eye contact and just listen. Your heart is pounding, and you feel a rising panic. Inside, you are saying to yourself:

This sucks. This totally sucks. Don’t leave. Don’t say anything. Just stay quiet. This totally sucks. Just hang in there, it will be over soon. I don’t know how much longer I can take this…

You get the idea. There was no super bliss. In fact, I was suffering more staying silent than I would have been if I had acted out.

Let me be clear: This does not come naturally to me. A few years ago I would have thrown more gas on the fire again and again. The only reason I acted differently this time is my Mussar practice.

The Hebrew word for the soul trait of Patience is Savlanut, which shares a root for the word to “bear a burden.” Patience, then is really about bearing the burden of an uncomfortable situation until it is over. It is bearing with suffering until it passes.

This brings us to a Mussar practice we can try.

*****************Heres the Mussar Practice For When You Lose Patience*******************

Remember that this too shall pass. Each morning, as part of our Mussar practice, we recite a mantra. The mantra I wrote for Patience is “This too shall pass, and I have the strength to get by until it does.”

Rabbi Ira stone teaches a lesson from the mussar master Rabbi Simcha Zissel Ziv: “Bearing the burden of the other” is our primary task as people who practice Mussar.
In the example above, I was bearing the burden of listening, which is the bare minimum way to show up in a menchy way.
I practiced Silence and did not make the situation worse. I could have done better by practicing Compassion, and willingly jumped in with empathy for the pain of the other person. I might better have been able to give comfort and helped them more actively. Then again, trying to solve the problem for the other person isn’t always the right thing to do. It is very hard not to try to fix a relative or loved one. Sometimes we just need to ride it out. And when riding it out, it is super helpful to remember that this too shall pass.”
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Sometimes the holidays bring us together with that relative we just don’t get along with. As much as we wish it were different, the painful interaction just plays out again and again.

This too shall pass. January 2nd will come, and you can get back to the routine of life. Accepting those feelings, and giving yourself a break is important. As the same time, you might want to take action and instead of bearing burden of the situation.

What are some self-care activities you can take to bring yourself some comfort?

Who can you reach out to to bring you some joy?

What can you do other than look at other people’s holiday posts on Facebook? No one posts the moments I write about above. They are part of the picture too.

Maybe you can track down a college friend you haven’t talked to in years, or find a Meetup group to join in January.

Where ever you are is ok. Your Divine spark is still there, ready to shine through when you can peak around your baggage, or slide it out of the way.

If this post resonates with you, check out the Humility and Patience Mussar Workshop that starts in January. This is exactly the type of issue we will be working on. We’ll all be creating spiritual action plans to help us take one small step towards balance. Each of us has the capacity to grow and do better. What would your life be like if you did not lose Patience?

HELP International Uganda and the Soul Trait of Patience

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We are pleased to announce that HELP International Uganda, which works to end poverty and hunger in the Ugandan refugee village of Masese, has been given the American Mussar Point of Light Award or their work exemplifying the Soul Trait of Patience.

Recognizing both that problems cannot be solved overnight, and that inaction is never a solution, HELP International Uganda’s work provides immediate assistance and is building paths towards long-term self-sufficiency and success. The people they serve show patience through their hunger and their times of need while gaining knowledge and skills that are helping to build a true and sustainable economy in a village that was thrown together haphazardly from those fleeing the violence of regional wars.

Patience is the Soul Trait that helps us determine when to act, and when we must bear through a bad situation—and the two often occur simultaneously. Too little patience has us charging ahead in ways that can cause further harm, or failing to see the potential of today because we’re looking towards bigger rewards, achievements, or solutions beyond the horizon. Too much patience, and we would never take the steps necessary to make our world better.

HELP International Uganda works carefully to ensure that the aid it provides doesn’t ignore today’s demands, but is always looking towards a future of growth and a strengthened community, as well. This is how it shows us all the true nature of the Soul Trait of Patience, and why American Mussar is proud to donate to their efforts. If you would like to donate too, you can do so here.

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