American Mussar

21st century Jewish spiritual practice for an authentic and meaningful life

This Mussar Practice Can Help With Isolation

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Mussar Practice Can Help With Isolation
This old school practice can bring joy to you and others

I don’t need Rabbinical school to guessing that the plague has completely disrupted your normal routine. Whether you are still sheltering at home, or are just missing new movies and live sporting events, it seems like nothing is the way it was. And so it is fitting that Order is next up in our rotation of soul traits. (Order is covered in Chapter 13 of The Spiritual Practice of Good Actions.)

The Hebrew word for order is Seder, which you probably recognize from Passover. The Seder is an ordered and organized meal. Order brings with it a sense of stability and predictability, two things sorely lacking in the world right now. When we don’t have them, we feel stress.

Many people, including my family, are using the extra time at home to practice Order by finally cleaning out that overstuffed closed. My wife is organizing our boxes of old photos, which has allowed us to revisit some wonderful memories.

As the same time, we don’t want to try to stuff too much Order into our lives when we are reeling with trauma and stress. You don’t need to be productive – this is not necessarily the time to finally write that novel. We need to get through, which is why I recommend the following Mussar practice that has the right amount of Order. And, this Mussar practice can help with isolation.

*************Here’s the Mussar Practice******************
Schedule times to call other people. Put a time on your calendar every day to reach out to someone else. It can be a short check in, or a long catch up of 15-45 minutes. This will help you feel less isolated. And if you aren’t feeling isolated, it can help someone else feel less isolated.
After all, Mussar is about bearing the burden of the other. Right now, we all need each other to get through this.

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What can I tell you, I’m an old school guy who misses the spontaneous phone calls of years gone by. It has been really wonderful getting calls from old and new friends, checking in to see how I am. Together, let’s emulate Rabbi Yochanan Ben Zakkai, who made it a practice to greet others in the market before they could greet him (Talmud Berachot 17a). In a similar way, let’s be the ones to proactively reach out and connect to others.

I am going to make my phone calls at 4PM time. How about you? Please leave a comment below. Scheduling a time, and publicly committing to it makes it more likely that you will follow through. 

And please join us Thursday at 4 PM Pacific for our weekly Jewish Wisdom For Coping in a Pandemic Zoom call. No prior anything required.

Image by tommyzwartjes from Pixabay

Prune Your Life For Growth: A Mussar Elul Practice

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elul mussar practice
Explosive growth after this bush was pruned

Three weeks into Rabbi school, I have just one thing to say: I can’t believe how much work it is.

My challenge is to remain a whole person while doing all this work. I don’t want to neglect my family relationships, nor get away from my spiritual practice. Studying Torah and Jewish history for 30+ hours a week does not in itself bring spirituality into my life.

One of the ways I have kept in touch with my spiritual side is through Elul Mussar practice. I never heard of Elul until a few years ago. It is the last month of the Hebrew calendar, and is traditionally spent in contemplation to prepare for the High Holidays. Both Elul and Mussar have let me to start practicing the Soul Trait of Order. I need to be organized and plan in order to get my work done, and to remain a whole person.
Then last night, I read something that touched me. In his wonderful book “This Is Real, and You Are Completely Unprepared.“ Rabbi Alan Lew of blessed memory, asked the following: What unfinished business is giving us a torn mind, “tearing our focus away from the present-tense reality of our experience, from the present moment, the only place where we can live our lives.” (p 84-85)
For me, this aligns with the teachings of Rabbi Marie Kondo, who teaches us to let go of things cluttering our lives. Which brings me to my first website, idolbuster.com. I wrote my first book as a serial on the idolbuster blog. I haven’t posted on that blog in years. Nor have I kept it up to date, meaning it is a security risk.
But more importantly, this website gnaws at me. Not in a big way, but at least a few times a month, I ask myself: What I should do with it. It used to mean so much to me. Can I just cut it loose?
Earlier in the year I got rid of the Dr. Greg Marcus Facebook page. And today, I turned off the automatic renew of the domain, giving me 5 weeks to archive it.
Which brings us to an Elul Mussar Practice.

************Here’s the Elul Mussar Practice*************

Let go of something in your life. What are you holding on to that no longer serves you? It might be “stuff,” something virtual like my old website, or it might be something emotional, like decades long anger.
It is no easier letting go of something painful than it is to let go of something that was once positive but is no longer serves a purpose. There is always a nagging voice “it might get better,” or “it might be useful someday” or just a rehash of the past hurt.
Elul gives us an opportunity to spend a month working our way up to change. You don’t need to change everything, but one small and lasting change is priceless.
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The mantra I use for Order comes from Pirkei Avot 5:10 – First things first, and last things later. For this practice, we can modify it to “last things never.” I don’t know about you, but I am way too busy to get to the last thing on my list. I was even before I went back to school.
So, I’ll prune away a few things that no longer serve me, thanking them for their service, and composting them so that they may bring life to something else.
What can you prune from your life to enable new growth?
Reply below and let me know. I answer every  comment.
The High Holiday Mussar Workshop is a wonderful opportunity to identify something to prune from your life, and establish a practice with your freed bandwidth for personal growth. Scholarships available. Learn more here.

How To Repent On Yom Kippur Like a Mensch

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Repent On Yom Kippur Like a Mensch
Finn does not play the Shofar, but he does ask for only one thing at a time

The first way to repent on Yom Kippur like a mensch is not to use the word repent. Rather, a mensch uses the word “return.”

The word in Hebrew is Teshuva, from the root “shuv” which means to return. I could not even begin to  guess at how many books and articles have been written on Teshuva over the few thousand years. But here is a good one if you’d like more info.

I have always gotten a lot out of Yom Kippur. The process of making it right with people, thinking about the past year, fasting, and going to services is both meaningful and transformative. My life changed on Yom Kippur when I was 40 – a sacred number in Judaism – it was the first of several strong spiritual experiences I’ve had on the holiday. (See page 4 here for the story).

How the Mensch Repents on Yom Kippur

Rabbi Alan Lew of blessed memory wrote “Teshuvah begins with a turn, a turn away from the external world and toward the inner realm of the heart.” (This is Real and You Are Completely Unprepared. p 157)

This teaching puts us within a Mussar framework because we are focusing on the inner world. In addition, “return” takes us away from the flavor of shame that can come with the word “repentance.”  Moreover, it implies that we already have what we need to do the right thing.

At the same  time, we can’t do it alone. This is especially true when it comes to longstanding hurts or habits. It is not an accident that 12 step programs turn to a higher power for help overcoming addiction. While a lifetime of habits are not an addition per se, they might as well be when it comes to changing some of them. So how do we ask for that help, especially if we are not sure about the Divinity? One hint to the answer comes from the 27th Psalm. King David wrote,

One thing I ask from the Divine, this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Divine
all the days of my life

As I wrote in the concluding chapter of The Spiritual Practice of Good Actions, “dwell in the house of the Divine” means to be a good person. Today let’s focus on the beginning of the phrase, where it says “one thing I ask.” David shows us that we can ask the Divine for help on a personal basis. And, we should ask for only one thing at a time.

In the month of Elul, it is traditional to read the 27th Psalm every day. Each day we’ll repeat it

One thing I ask…
One thing I ask…

One thing I ask…

Which brings us to a Mussar Practice to repent on Yom Kippur Like a Mensch

****Here’s the Mussar Practice***

Ask for one thing. In Elul, my friend and teacher Rachael Shea led a wonderful meditation on “One Thing.” This helped set the stage for  two personal transformation workshops I am in this year; – an American Mussar one I am facilitating, and one run by Rabbi David Jaffe. Both offer an opportunity to create a spiritual plan for transformation. Through the discussion in these groups, and the insights I had in the meditation, it has become clear to me that we should only ask the Divine to help us with one thing. Not because the Divine is unwilling to help us with more than one thing, but because we are only capable of changing one thing at a time!

When coaching kids in softball or soccer, we were taught to only correct one thing at a time. When they improve on the first thing, then we help them improve the next thing. Similarly, when I work with clients, we pick one change to make in our life at a time.

When you are in services or on your own, say quietly to yourself “Please help me________.”

If you are not sure of the Divinity, you may be wondering who will hear you. At minimum, you will hear yourself, which is an important step on the transformation path.

For those of you who do not celebrate the High Holidays, and/or are not Jewish, the general principles of asking for help and focusing on one thing at a time still hold. I encourage you to try this practice as well.

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This Mussar practice to repent on Yom Kippur like a mensch is an Order practice, as it says

First things first, and last things later – Pirkei Avot 5:10

A mensch remembers that there can only be one first priority. By asking for one thing, we bring our focus to a single thing we want to change. Yes, we have many things we want to improve about ourselves, but by going one at a time we can actually make lasting and meaningful transformation.

What is the one thing that you will ask for in 5780? Please comment below.

How To Carry A Box Like A Mensch

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Was it haughtiness of spirit to put this box on a stranger’s car?

In the last post, How To Dress Like a Mensch, I wrote about “haughtiness of the spirit.” As you may recall, I was teased by a friend for wearing shorts to a board meeting. A few days later, I read “He who walks in the marketplace with his shoes unlaced is among those who are of haughty spirit.” It made me realize that I displayed a “haughty spirit” by not dressing respectfully.” Not the end of the world, but also not behavior for one who aspires to be more like a mensch.

This week I was yelled at for putting a large cardboard box on top of a stranger’s car in a parking lot. “Its just a cardboard box with a pillow in it,” I said. “It won’t hurt anything.”

“You are rude and inconsiderate,” the man answered. He walked off after that. Although I was taken aback, and really didn’t think I had done anything wrong, I gave it more thought in the context of a haughty spirit. Maybe “He who places a cardboard box on someone else’s car in a parking lot” displays haughtiness of spirit.

I wasn’t sure, so I created a poll on the American Mussar Facebook page. The results were definitive, 11 to 4 in favor of haughtiness. The comments were particularly enlightening.

One person wrote, “As a fairly introverted person, I am very protective of my personal space…including my car.” The soul trait of Humility is all about occupying the right amount of space, as Alan Morinis wrote in Everyday Holiness “ Occupy a rightful space, neither too much nor too little.” It looks like I had occupied too much space.

Another person wrote that my action was “not respectful nor considerate.” This is a violation of the soul trait of Honor, which teaches us to focus on the Divine Spark of others. I was insufficiently respectful of other people.

I even brought this example up with my study partner. We discussed it for 15 minutes. It is a great example of a Mussar choice point, a true grey area. It wasn’t like I dumped a soda on the car, which would be obviously rude. Nor was it bumping the car as I opened the door, which would have been trivial. We decided to give Enthusiasm props to the person who called me out, for “running to do good” to defend his friend’s car.

Fundamentally though, this is about the Soul Trait of Order.

In that spirit, I invite you to try a Mussar practice

****Here’s the Mussar Practice***

Be mindful of where you put things down. When you put things down, think about whose space it is. Is it a common space at work or home? It is someone else’s space? Is it where the thing goes, or are you just throwing it anywhere? Have you put the dish on your coffee table, where it will live for the next two days, or did you take the time to bring it to the kitchen and clean it? Are the clothes just thrown on the floor at night, or did you put them in the laundry?

And you may be on the other end of the spectrum of Order – are you creating anxiety for yourself by being too controlling about how things should proceed?

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Remember, each one of us has what it takes to be a Mensch, a person of outstanding character. Mussar teaches us how to become more like a Mensch by taking small, mindful actions in everyday life. Where we put things is part of that process.

In the Mussar classic Cheshbon Ha’Nefesh, Rabbi Menachem Mendel Lefin wrote, “All your actions and possessions should be orderly – each and every one in a set place and set time. Let your thoughts always be free to deal with that which lies ahead of you.”

By practicing Order in this way, we can make sure that we are not impinging on another’s space. At the same time, if we become too focused on Order, we can be making others conform to overly rigid preferences, in effect taking up too much space.

Making mindful choices about where you put things opens the door to balance and healing in order, and other soul traits like Humility and Honor.

Give this practice a try, and come back and let us know how it goes.

Want to know where you need more work to be more like a mensch? Take the Soul Trait Quiz.

The Divine Hand In Hurricanes – A Mussar Lesson

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Divine Order: Climate scientists predicted bigger storms. Now we have them.

I am convinced we are seeing the hand of the Divine hand in hurricanes like Harvey and Irma. Not the cartoonish, fire and brimstone retribution that some evangelicals are pronouncing.  Rather, the Divine is being realized through natural laws that were put in place during creation. Science predicted stronger hurricanes if carbon levels continued to rise. Carbon levels are higher, and we are seeing stronger hurricanes. If you are unsure of the Divinity, I suspect that you believe in the laws of nature. As practitioners of Mussar, we are faced with the question of what soul traits are in play for us, and how we should act.  Read on to learn the answers.

The False Choice Between Spirituality and Science.

I get asked all the time how a scientist like myself can get caught up in spirituality. People who ask that question either don’t understand science, don’t understand spirituality, or don’t understand either. In my experience 90% of people, even the so called experts in science and spirituality, fall into the third category. It is one thing to be a technician of science, or a technician of spiritual teachings. It is quite another to understand the why. Both science and spirituality delve into mystery, to understand how things work, and how seemingly different things are connected. The science fiction writer Arthur Clark once said “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” The same holds for quantum entanglement. Science doesn’t need to explain everything in order for us to believe in it, and spiritual faith is big enough to allow two things to be equally true that may on the surface seem contradictory. The Mussar Classic Strive For Truth gets its name from the quest to understand the Truth of the world, which is taught to us by Torah. And the Truth here is that we are seeing the hand of the Divine in climate change.

Physical Laws Were Created by the Divine

In the book Worldmask, Rabbi Akiva Tatz wrote : “The world is exquisitely ordered: the very fact that it can be studied mathematically and scientifically results from this order. If the world parallels its spiritual root, and we wish to understand that root, we must study the order inherent in the world.” We can see this spiritual root in the story of creation in the book of Genesis. First there was darkness over the waters. Then there was light. Then there was a separation between air and water. Next dry land, followed by animal and plant life. And then Man. The Torah teaches that God created each of these in turn, and in so doing created the laws of nature. If you are not sure of the Divinity, you can look at the story metaphorically and come to the same answer: Today we have laws of nature. They are inflexible.

More carbon shows the Divine Hand. 

In science, what we do is we look at data, and then create models to explain what we are seeing. The model makes predictions about what will happen. This is exactly what we are seeing with climate change. For example, In 1987, Kerry Emanuel published a paper called The dependence of hurricane intensity on climate in the journal Nature, which is the top science journal in the world. It predicted that more CO2 in the atmosphere will lead to more destructive hurricanes.

Prediction: More CO2 leads to more destructive storms.

Look at the graph to the right. CO2 levels have gone up since 1987.

Reality: We have more CO2 in the air, and Irma set records for wind speed.

The data is supporting the model of climate change.

When Will These Idiots Learn That Global Warming is Real?

A friend of mine asked that question on their Facebook wall today with a link to an article about the hurricanes. I answered in a harsh way. I said, “They will learn when we start treating them with the respect they are due as human beings, and stop shaming and judging them.” Sociologist Brene Brown teaches that if you shame people by calling them names, they will just get defensive and dig their heels in. Mussar teaches the same thing. If you insult someone, it activates the Evil Inclination, which we know lives in the amygdala. People who are angry or upset literally cannot thing logically. So your chance of convincing someone to change their mind when you upset them is literally zero. You might bully them into changing their behavior. But changing their heart, changing their mind? No way.

In the 2000s  I was talking with a stranger on a plane about Al Gore’s movie “An Inconvenient Truth.” She didn’t believe in climate change. I told her I was a scientist and why I thought it was true. She then rather sheepishly admitted that she didn’t believe it was true because she didn’t like Al Gore’s politics. The was pre-mussar, but I had the sense to ask her to look past the messenger. She shook her head. Most people can’t look past the messenger. Going back to our point above, what kind of messenger are you?

Mussar has guidance for us.

Mussar’s Path To Healing

The solution to climate change is not in the air, it is in the heart. At long as we treat each other as animals, we are destined for destruction. Hurricanes Harvey and Irma are literally undoing the work of creation. Water, air, and land are no longer separate. Where there was human, animal, and plant life, we see death. Where we assisted in the act of creation, the Divine hand brings discussion.

To heal the planet, we first need to heal our relationship with the people who disagree with us. A first step is to moderate our speech, which is governed by the soul trait of Silence. As it says in the Bible,  The words of the wise are heard [when spoken] softly (Ecclesiastes 9:17). See this post for ideas on how to promote healing on the internet. Don’t shame or insult people because they support politicians who claim to not believe in climate change. Talk to them about the data. Ask them what they feel. Be curious. Listen to their perspective. Ask questions. Maintain your Equanimity.

While we are waiting for everyone’s heart to open, each of us can work to reduce our personal carbon footprint. Ask yourself this: If you believe in climate change, what have you done to fight it? Mussar suggests that we start with leading by example. In our home, we have solar power, and lease an electric car.

If you’d like to take action, click here for 25 suggestions on how to reduce your carbon footprint.