Honor - American Mussar

Mussar Can Open Hearts on the Internet

February 13, 2017 By Greg Marcus 2 Comments

To say that things have gotten nasty on the internet is an understatement. To say that people behave like animals is not as harsh as it sounds. We all have animal instincts, which show up as the evil inclination, that drives us to behave in a selfish, uncaring, and/or fearful way. This is side we see on the Internet – people write harsh and unthinking things, without regard for the impact on others. The Good Inclination is what inspires us to be our best selves, caring of others, and mindful of the impact of our actions on others. And believe it or not, Mussar can open hearts on the internet.

For example, I recently got into it with someone on Twitter* over my letter to the editor in the Forward. I stressed how important it was not to judge and stereotype others. Someone responded on Twitter that they agreed me, and then went on to tweet that Peter Beinart, the author of the article I was refuting, “exists 2 hurt #ISRAEL, & Jews he does not approve of.”

This kind of reaction is just not acceptable, dehumanizing someone with whom you disagree, and deciding that they must hate Israel and other Jews. There was a back and forth, and in the end, something amazing happened. He tweeted “I will say I should learn to tone down my words, u were correct.” We remain connected and in relationship.

Do you want to help improve conversation and connection on social media? Here are three Mussar soul traits you can call on to help you do it.

Mussar Humility: Come clean, occupy your space and remember it’s not about you.

It is important to come clean about one’s own mistakes. In the letter to the editor, I freely admitted my enjoyment at reading criticism of our Orthodox brothers and sisters, and explained how I used that mistake for spiritual growth. Leading by example can disarm someone who could become an opponent, and open the door for reconciliation.

At the same time, you should be ready to occupy the space of calling someone on bad behavior. If not you, who? The key is to do so in light of the soul traits below. And, your job here is not to let hurt feelings about being misunderstood and mischaracterized get in the way of learning about other people.

Mussar Honor: Remember the Divine Spark, and make your comments only after being given permission to do so.

We all have a Divine Spark, occluded by our baggage. That person making the snarky comment has one too. If you keep that idea first and foremost, it will influence the way you address them. They have the right to their opinions, and they have the right to hold positions with which you passionately disagree. Our goal is to elevate the level of discourse, and restore respect. You don’t have to agree, you don’t have to change your mind. But it isn’t ok to just think the person making a snarky comment, or espousing a political position you find abhorrent is a bad person.

In addition, don’t try the technique below with just anyone. You should only ask for someone to moderate their stance if they initiate the conversation with you. In the examples I give above, the people were making comments directly to me on Twitter, or on my Facebook page. They have given permission for a conversation. It is a very different dynamic if you just start responding to someone you hardly know on social media. The point is to build on an existing relationship and opening.

Mussar Silence: Choose your words carefully, for you are helping create the world.

Judaism teaches that God created the world with words, and when we speak, we participate in this act of creation. If you are insure of the Divinity, the point still holds: What we say has a profound impact, and changes reality for both ourselves and those who hear us.

The secret to improving discourse is to ask people one by one to withdraw, moderate, or change their comments. You aren’t asking them to change what they believe, only how they say it. Ask them to take responsibility, and to make a change. For example, someone posted a comment about Hitler and Muslims on the American Mussar Facebook Page. I was direct, writing below his comment, “This is a page to elevate our personal conduct. This link is offensive and inappropriate. You are better than this. Please remove it so I don’t have to.” To my amazement, he not only took down the comment, but replaced it with the picture to the right, wishing me a #ShabbatShalom. Similarly on Twitter, I pointed out that it was dehumanizing to say that Beinart wants to hurt other Jews. It is fine to disagree with him, but don’t dehumanize him.

Mussar Can Open Hearts on the Internet

This method doesn’t always work, but to paraphrase Rabbi Tarfon, we don’t need to complete a hard task, but neither are we free to desist from trying. We need to learn how to heal the divisions within the country and within the Jewish community.

Special shout out to Rabbi Sharon Brous who helped me recognize the power of the 1:1 approach after her talk at my synagogue. She explained how prophets who run naked through the streets and scream at the top of their lungs are ignored, but 1:1, thoughtful conversations can change hearts and minds. Listen to her teaching and get the handouts here.

Want to start your own Mussar journey? Take the Soul Trait Profile Quiz now.

What Holds You Back from Repairing the World?

September 6, 2016 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

It would seem like not wasting resources, and preserving the world would be common sense, no brainer, consensus principles. And maybe they are in theory. But in reality, the planet is kind of a mess, and getting worse all the time. While it is tempting to throw up our hands at the scope of the problem, or to blame corporations, Mussar teaches us that we should approach life looking for small actions we can take in everyday life to bring ourselves into balance. After all, there is something inside that holds us back from doing the right thing. So the question is, what holds you back from repairing the world?

The teachings around the Commandment Bal Taschit translated as “do not destroy” are an instructive place to go as we look for soul traits to help us become more environmentally balanced within. Bal Tashchit comes from a principle that in the time of war we are not allowed to cut down fruit trees. You may eat of them, but not cut them down to make siege engines or the like. (Deuteronomy 20:19).

The Book of Education, (Sefer HaChinuch) written in the 13^th Century relates this environmental stewardship to the state of the soul. It reads, “Righteous people … do not waste in this world even a mustard seed. They become sorrowful with every wasteful and destructive act that they see, and if they can, they use all their strength to save everything possible from destruction. But the wicked … rejoice in the destruction of the world, just as they destroy themselves.” (Sefer HaChinuch 529; )

If only it were that simple. We could blame the wicked for everything, secure in our knowledge that we are “outraged and sorrowful” with global warming, and the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. But if you are like me, edible food ends up in the compost bin, and a large pile of trash is hauled away from my home every week.

George RR Martin, author of the Game of Thrones books, and Tolkien, author of the Lord of the Rings have different conceptions of evil. For Tolkien, Evil is external, in the form of Sauron, a supernatural being bent on the destruction of all that is good. For Martin, the evil is inside – each of his characters have the capacity for both good and evil. And some of the most interesting characters, like Tyrian Lannister have exhibited both in plenty.

Mussar sides with Martin – we are driven by the conflict between the Good and Evil Inclinations. Rabbi Ira Stone teaches that Mussar offers an opportunity to strengthen the Good Inclination by balancing our Soul Traits, which in turn makes it easier to keep commandments like Bal Tashchit. Here are three Soul Traits we can cultivate to strengthen our ability to protect our planet.

Honor, which reminds us to Honor the Divine spark in others. – People need to eat, and to destroy fruit trees makes it likely that someone will go hungry. In fact, sages of the Talmud generalized this commandment to teach that we should not wantonly spoil opportunities or resources of other people. Rabbi Abraham Isaac Kook taught that the fruit trees are an allegory of human dignity, and we are forbidden from degrading human dignity. Thus, if we focus on the needs of others, bringing our Honor towards balance, we will be less likely to waste resources.
Gratitude reminds us to recognize the good and give thanks. The Book of Education teaches that the purpose of the Commandment “do not waste” is to teach us to “love that which is good and worthwhile and to cling to it, so that good becomes a part of us.” Thus by practicing Bal Tashchit we become more grateful, and conversely, if we practice gratitude, recognizing the good and appreciating what we have, we will be less likely to run out and buy the latest version of the iPhone, even though the phone we have is more than sufficient for what we need.
Awe – to quote Eliza in the musical Hamilton, “Look around, Look around, at how lucky we are to be alive right now.” The Baal Shem Tov said, “The world is full of wonders and miracles, but we take our little hand and we cover our eyes and see nothing.” The world is an amazing place, and if we take some time to appreciate the beauty in the world, we will, as a matter of course, be more mindful of how we use our resources.

Thus by cultivating Honor, Gratitude and Awe, we strengthen our Good Inclination, and can more easily keep the Commandment “Do Not Waste.” What is one small action you can take in your life to cultivate balance in one of these traits?

If you would like to start your own Mussar Journey, take the Soul Trait Profile Quiz right now.

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Jewish Checklists For Being a Mensch

June 29, 2016 By Greg Marcus 1 Comment

It has been a crazy busy month for me, mostly in a good way. Today I sent off the final corrections for The Spiritual Practice of Good Actions, which goes to the printer July 1. September 8th will be here before we know it! This book launch has a lot of meaning for me, and I continue to struggle a bit with concerns about the outcome. I fear success and failure equally. It is a great week for me to be practicing Trust, for Trust reminds us that we cannot control the outcome, and most things work out well.

I was moved to write today after reading a wonderful article by Marjorie Ingall in Tablet Magazine called “How To Be a Better Ally.” It lists 11 ways to be a better ally to the LGBTQ community, inspired by the tragic events of Orlando. It is so cool to see Jewish checklists for being a Mensch.

Many of us are not sure how to be helpful, supportive, or empathetic in the face of tragedy, even more so towards a minority and oppressed community. For example, Ingall suggests that post Orlando, to “call your LGBTQ friends and family.” She quotes someone who explained how surprised she was “how much it has mattered for my straight friends to reach out and see how I’m doing.” As a result, I reached out to a gay couple close to me to check on them, and they were very appreciative.

Ingall’s list reminds me of a list created by the medieval philosopher Maimonides explaining how to visit the sick. Visiting the sick is a commandment, but it isn’t as straightforward as it seems. Lets face it – it is intrinsically uncomfortable for many people to go to a hospital. We do not want to be reminded of our own frailty. And, we often are not sure what to say or do. Maimonides put together this practical list over 800 years ago, explaining the right way to visit a sick person. His suggestions include:

Do not stand over the person – sit on a chair or the floor to try to stay at eye level, but do not sit on the bed
Leave your own issues at the door. Enter the room with a smile. When my family first learned this rule, we translated it into “Don’t Bring Me No Bad News,” a great number from The Wiz.
Be realistic, and don’t be Pollyanna about the person’s condition. Take your clues from them. You are there to bring support and comfort. If someone is on hospice, clearly it is not the time to talk about them getting better.
Bring something if you can

Visiting the sick is a core part of practicing Loving-Kindness. Remember that we practice Loving-Kindness through acts to sustain others without expecting anything in return. Ingall’s list of ways to be an ally also falls into the category of Loving Kindness. For example, she writes “don’t expect a cookie for being an ally.” You are there to support someone else’s humanity. There is risk in being “out” as an ally, which is why it is an act of Lovingkindness.

In summary, we are not born knowing how to act in every situation. The more outside of our experience, and the more intrinsically uncomfortable the situation, the more we can benefit from lessons and guidance on how to act like a Mensch, a person of outstanding character.

I love lists like this. Sometimes if feels like I need to make every socially awkward mistake until I learn. I am very happy to have a checklist with pointers to prevent me from stepping in the dodo.

Know any good checklists for being a Mensch? Please share below or on the American Mussar Facebook Page.

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Mensch or Jerk is Determined by Small Moments

May 18, 2016 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

At breakfast a few years ago, a friend of mine and I discussed a volunteer meeting we had recently attended. It ran over its allotted time by 45 minutes, until 9:45 at night. My friend was really upset because it interfered with family plans. As one of the leaders of the meeting, I instantly apologized. Interestingly, my friend quickly corrected himself, insisting that it was a small thing, and that he should not have gotten upset.

While my friend seemed suddenly ashamed of his emotional reaction, I reassured him that he was not out of line, explaining that a central teaching of Mussar is that life is lived by small things. Mensch or jerk is determined by how we show up in small moments. How often do we have a really big thing land in our lap? It is these small things – the small moments of life — that make up daily life. And the one thing a Jewish leader should never do is disrespect the people he or she is serving. His candor was actually a gift, reminding me of my sacred duty.

The Soul Trait of Honor reminds us that each person is a Divine Soul, and should be treated accordingly. While it is true that as a leader, I did not do anything egregious – no human rights violations or dehumanizing behavior — what I failed to do was adequately coordinate with the other leaders to ensure that we delivered on our promise of ending the meeting by 9:00. The Soul Trait of Enthusiasm, reminds us that we need to proactively run to do good, as Abraham does in Genesis 18:6-7 when he runs around arranging food for guests a few hours after being circumcised at the age of 99.

As leaders, we should proactively make sure that we are honoring and respecting the time of volunteers, especially in this over-scheduled age. This is a lesson many non-profit organizations would do well to learn.

I remember that day because a few hours later, something amazing happened. I was in the checkout line at the grocery store, reading the New York Times on my phone. I mindlessly stepped forward, as I had already put the groceries on the belt, and the cashier said “Hi.” In a flash, I remembered a recent article I read about how awful it feels to be ignored because the person you are serving has their face in a phone. And I remembered the Mussar teaching for Honor, to greet everyone before they greet you (reference).

So I put down the phone, looked her in the eye, smiled, and said “Hi.” It was like magic. She smiled back, a full face smile and her eyes sparkled.

I felt great. We both did. I kept thinking about it over and over as I walked to my car and started to leave the parking lot. “Wasn’t that great? Who can I tell? Should I include the story in my book….” I started composing in my head.

My happy reverie was suddenly broken as someone yelled loudly as I drove towards the exit.

“A-hole!”

The word rang in my ears. “Was that at me?” I wondered. “What did I do?” Did I cut someone off? Did I just miss a pedestrian? Maybe I was so wrapped up thinking about what a great Mensch I am that I wasn’t paying enough attention to my driving.

Or maybe the irate individual wasn’t even talking to me.

Whatever the case, the incident was a good reminder from the Universe: Life is lived in small moments. There is no room for complacency or patting myself on the back. We do not honor others so we can feel good about ourselves; we do it because it is the right thing to do.

And we move on from one instance of menschiness to the next.

Planning a meeting, going through the check out line, driving in the parking lot: three small opportunities to practice honor in a short span of time. Mensch or jerk? I got it right 1 time out of 3. Hey, in baseball that would put me in the Hall of Fame.

Want to start down the path of menchiness? Click Here to take the Soul Trait Profile Quiz.

Image credit: Smile by Dasha via Flickr CC

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Is the Pope Jewish?

February 19, 2016 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

Judaism teaches that we should not make vows, because they might lead us to do something that we would later regret. More specifically, they might lead us to take an action in conflict with Jewish values. For example, if you vow to never speak to someone until they apologize, you have set a very high bar that you may later regret. People try to keep their vows, and in the example above the vow would serve to preserve the pain and make reconciliation harder.

I made a vow earlier this year never to write about Donald Trump after the racist comments he made about Mexicans. Alas, that is a vow I cannot keep. If I were to keep it, it would deprive me of an opportunity to learn from the spat between the Pope and the Donald. As I suspect you already know, Pope Francis suggested that Trump is not a Christian because he talks about building walls and not building bridges. The Donald shot back that it is disgraceful for the Pope to question another person’s faith. Wow, I am not a Trump fan, but I think I have to give him the nod on this one, with some caveats below.

The whole interchange reminds me of the fights between the different branches of Judaism. Some people in the ultra-Orthodox community say that Reform Jews are not Jewish. I once explained to an Israeli friend about Reform Judaism, and he said jokingly “why don’t you just put a cross on the wall.” I was not amused. Just last year, I realized that I was walking around with a secret shame that I wasn’t Jewish enough. I think many are raised to think that Orthodox Judaism is the real Judaism, and that people who don’t follow that lifestyle can’t cut it. It is a character flaw that we don’t keep Kosher or practice the rituals. I don’t like people questioning my Judaism. I intentionally said “Judaism” instead of “faith” because for many people, being Jewish is about much more than faith. Jewish identity is complex, and who am I to say that a love of pastrami is any less Jewish than going to services?

It is in that sense that I side with the Donald. One should not question another person’s faith. I noticed that in the rejoinder, Trump said that the Pope’s behavior was disgraceful. He did not say that the Pope is a disgrace, as some media have reported. Had the Pope said something like “Building walls instead of building bridges is not consistent with Christian values,” he would have focused on behavior and not the person.

Mussar teaches that we are to focus on our own behavior. Speaking out against injustice is something important for us to do. But I think Mussar teaches us to speak out against unjust behavior, without generalizing to the person. After all, we all carry a Divine spark that is occluded by our baggage. We should Honor the spark, even if we can’t Honor the behavior.

#iAMHonor

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