American Mussar

21st century Jewish spiritual practice for an authentic and meaningful life

Three Mussar Lessons From Game of Thrones.

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mussar lessons from game of thrones
Our choices define who we are

Yes, I am a total Game of Thrones fanatic. My wife and I got hooked on the books early on, and have waited patiently for each new book or season to come out. As you may recall, Mussar teaches that Patience is enduring an unpleasant situation, and when it comes for waiting for new books in the series, Patience is our only recourse. While I promised three Mussar lessons from Game of Thrones, consider this lesson on Patience to be a bonus.

Mussar Lesson 1: You don’t get the end you want. You get the end you get. I have been somewhat baffled by the complaints and petitions about GOT season 8. 1 million people really want to redo the entire season?
The lesson for us is Humility. Mussar teaches that Humility is about knowing one’s proper place in the universe, as Alan Moranis wrote “No more than my place, not less than my space.” At times all of us have been in a position that we wish for a redo. If you want to redo something that you said or did, you may have an opportunity to try again, apologize, or revisit. But if you are looking at the acton of another, it is your place to rewrite what they have done?
The same is true of our own lives. We control very little, and are but a small part of the universe. We can fight the universe or recognize our place in it. One of the lessons for Moses not entering the promised land before he dies is the reality that we can’t control when we go. We can spend our last days fighting and filled with regret, or we can spend them in thanks for all the gifts we have been given.
Mussar Lesson 2: Good and evil get pretty muddy. As George RR Martin says in this wonderful interview with Stephen King,  “In my view, the battle of good and evil is waged within the individual human heart. It is our decisions – we are all partly good and partly evil. We make decisions every day. We may do a good thing on Wednesday, and an evil thing on Thursday, or a selfish thing.”
If you’ve read my book, this will remind you of the conflict between the Good Inclination and the Evil Inclination. Remember that these are translations of Hebrew phrases, and evil is a challenging translation. In Game of Thrones, the evil decisions tend to be truly evil with a capital E. Take Daenerys, for example. As Tryion explained, we could overlook some of her brutal decisions early on because she was killing evil men. But when she burned Kings Landing, there was no where to go but to admit how bad she was.  But it didn’t have to be that way. She also had a forgiving and compassionate nature, and could have chosen a different path.
None of us are totally good nor totally bad. Learning to tolerate our mistakes, and becoming mindful of our choices are key building blocks on the path of the mensch. See this post on Choice Points for more.
Mussar Lesson 3: Joy has many faces. Arya Stark said “Death has many faces.” And wow, did we see a lot of death in these books and shows! 
Yet tens of millions of people found joy reading and watching. The joy we feel comes in different forms. The acting, the effects, the twists and turns. And many of us enjoy discussing each episode – some prefer to argue that X or Y should have happened.
We should not take for granted the joy we get from entertainment. In the first Mussar book Duties of the Heart, Rabbi Bachya ibn Pakuda wrote the danger of not feeling gratitude for things we take for granted. “Many good things are left unenjoyed, and the happiness to be had from them is tainted either because people do not recognize the good in it, or they do no realize its value.” 
Entertainment is a gift. It is not our place to change or rewrite it. We take what is offered, and make of it what we will.
What is some of the good you’ve found in Game of Thrones? Please share below.
Take the Soul Trait Quiz to see where a Mussar Practice can influence your life.

How To Hold a Door Like a Mensch

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hold a door like a mensch
Better to make a conscious choice at a doorway than to just go through.

Have you ever wondered if you are doing too much for other people? Perhaps you’ve felt taken advantage of, or felt like it is selfish to take care of yourself. Sometimes ordinary daily activities, like holding a door for another person, can provide insights to help you deal with more complex situations. For example…

I was on a collage tour my daughter and wife. As we entered a building, I held a door for one of the other dads. He was walking slowly, his head glued to his phone. I was filled with resentful and judgmental thoughts. “What a bad dad, “I thought. “Doing work when he should be focused on his family.” I felt a strong temptation not to hold the door for him.

 

Then, I thought, “A Mensch would not act on judgmental thoughts, and holds the door for other people.” In Mussar terms, holding the door for someone is a way to practice Honor, the soul trait that reminds us to notice the Divine Spark in everyone. So, I held the door for him.

 

A little while later, he was off phone and was in front of me as we exited a stairwell. He did not hold the door for me.  “Hmmm,” I thought. “Not everyone thinks about these things, and makes the extra effort.”
As the tour came to a close, I was once again in front of him as we were going through a door. This time, I elected not to hold the door for him. I would have had to wait a few seconds, and thought “Tit for Tat,” This phrase is shorthand for a Game Theory approach to cooperation when you interact with the same person again and again. In short, you lead with generosity, but if the other person does not reciprocate, you do not reciprocate the next chance you get. Tit for Tat is considered a winning strategy.

 

Granted, holding a door for someone else is a small example. The other person did not notice whether I held the door or not. The person impacted by this exercise was me. And it provides a doorway to a Mussar Practice for all of us to try.

 

***********Here’s the Mussar Practice************

Hold the door open more or less. Metaphorically, in your life, do you hold the door for others or allow others to hold it open for you? Holding the door for a stranger is a menchy thing to do. But if you are holding the door again and again for the same people and they do not reciprocate, you have an opportunity to examine whether this relationship is working for you.
Let me be clear: There are no right or wrong answers. Understanding this dynamic will give you more options in your life.
And if you never hold the door for other people, over the next week hold the door and smile whenever you get a chance.

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It says in the Talmud, “Whomever exercises mercy where strictness is required will eventually be cruel where kindness is required.” (Rabbah 7.33). This is an analogous situation – a limit is better than just giving and giving.

 

When I was in the business world, I tended to help others even when they were not helping me. I think it would have helped my career to say no more often. My coworkers would have respected my time more, and realized they needed to help me in return if they wanted me to go the extra mile.

 

How does this practice fit in with your life? 
Want to see if Honor is one of the keystone soul traits in your spiritual curriculum? Take the Soul Trait Quiz.

Allow The Notre Dame Fire To Inspire You This Passover

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Notre Dame Fire
Notre Dame fire, with a sky that looks like the Angel of Death

In the days before Passover, I was saddened by the  Notre Dame fire. As I was busy feeling terrible, I found myself personally challenged by Rabbi Shmuly Yanklowitz’s Facebook post.

He argued that we as Americans should be less worried about the loss of a building, and more concerned about “the oppression of invisible people around the world.” Rabbi Shmuly cited a story from Leviticus Rabbah about the Romans giving better treatment to stone columns than to the poor. I was stopped in my tracks, and immediately stopped thinking of the fire as a “tragedy.” Instead, it became something I am sad about.

Then, I read about some of the backlash against the billion dollars pledged by the ultra wealthy to rebuild the cathedral. While some of the criticism is overblown, I personally agree with those who point out that if we can find  money for a building, we can find money to deal with societal inequality and poverty.

Which brings us back to Passover. The story we tell every year is a central narrative of Jewish peoplehood. Throughout the Torah, we are asked to remember that we were slaves in the land of Egypt, as it says “You too must befriend (love) the stranger, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt. (Deuteronomy 10:19).”

When we were slaves, we too were invisible.

This Passover, let us channel our emotions from Notre Dame fire to remember the forgotten and invisible people all over the world. When we see and remember, how can we not act?

What invisible people or person would you like to remember? Please reply below. I’ll repost your answer on Facebook. (Or if you are shy, you can email me here)

You might also like these other posts about Passover 

Photo by Olivier Mabelly via Flickr CC

Who Will You Liberate This Passover?

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passover
Who will you liberate this Passover?

As we approach Passover, I’ve learned of a new way to think about the holiday. It stems from a conversation I was in recently, when a friend shared how her mother freed her from guilt.

A few years earlier, she and her family moved away from her parents, and her father used to needle her about how much he missed his grandkids. My friend confessed her guilt to her mother, who said “Do you really think your father is moping around all the time? He is fine and happy. He is living his life, and you are living yours.”

My friend said it was like a weight lifted from her shoulders. She truly felt liberated in that moment. And she was liberated – we carry these negative feelings around with us. They weigh us down, and prevent us from being our best selves.

In past years, I’ve written how we must free ourselves from the our personal “narrow place” every Passover.

Yet we did not free ourselves in Egypt. There were many people involved in our liberation – leaders like Moses, Aaron, and Miriam; individuals who painted the doorposts with lambs blood so they and their families would be spared the visit from the angel of death, and of course the Torah teaches that the Divine itself played a direct hand in our liberation.

So this year, I have a new Mussar practice to suggest.

****Here’s the Mussar Practice*****

Free someone else. Look for opportunities to free someone else from a long standing burden. Help them to get free of their “narrow place.” Here are a few ways you can do this.

1. Dispel a myth or story. Encourage people to walk their own path and dispel the story that is causing them suffering. In my friends case, her mother stepped up and dispelled the myth that her father was unhappy. If you are lucky, someone will confide in you and be open to advice. Remember, giving advice unlooked for is not helpful and is actually forbidden in the Talmud.

2. Forgive someone. Has someone asked for forgiveness, but you have found it hard to forgive? Find a way to forgive them, and help them move past the guilt they are feeling. Have they promised to never do it again and are they making good on it? Healing and reconciliation is a collaborative process – try to get to the place of forgiveness by talking with them if you need to.

3. End the guilt trip. Maybe you are playing the role of the father in this story, and are guilt tripping someone else. Your words may be having a far bigger impact than you realize. All trips come to an end. Take this opportunity to let the other person know that you are over it and they should not feel guilty. Not sure this is you? This about your relationships with friends and family, and do an audit to see if you are laying it on too thick.

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On Passover, we are instructed to think as though we were personally delivered from bondage. The Divine heard our cry and set us free.

We all carry the spark of Divinity, and have an opportunity to participate in the liberation of others. (If you are unsure of the Divinity, think of it as the core spark of human goodness.)

This practice is a great way to focus on the needs of others, and provide help where you can.

How do you plan to liberate others this Passover?  Leave a comment and let me know.

Want to understand what is holding you back from liberating others? Take the Soul Trait Profile Quiz. 

Do You See Esther As A Jewish Woman Of Color?

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jewish woman of color
Esther has white skin and the servants have dark skin in this painting by Edwin Long

As I was revising last Purim’s blog post Esther’s Mussar Humility Lesson, I had a shocking realization. Esther is a Jewish Woman of Color.

Could that be true? I asked myself. I’ve always thought of her as white.

She must have been. The story takes place in Persia, and Persian people have darker skin.

In the painting to the left, notice how Esther has white skin and the servants have dark skin. I absorbed a cultural transformation: We’ve turned a Person of Color into a white person.

I did some research online, and found this wonderful story that describes what happened when a young boy heard a description of Queen Esther as someone with beautiful brown skin and hair in braids. He started jumping up and down, saying “Like me! I have brown skin too.” This young Jewish boy with a white mother and a dark skinned father saw himself in the Jewish narrative for the first time.

And I got an inkling of how it must feel to be a Jewish Woman of Color. I’ve read articles about Jews of Color feeling like they don’t fit in because in the synagogue people automatically think they are a guest or worse. Or they are ignored and not seen.

I admit, I felt a little sick to my stomach. It was confusing as my body coped with the discord of wanting to be inclusive, and my unconscious “elevation” of one of our greatest heroes to whiteness. I did not see Queen Esther for who she was.

In the words of Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe, The ultimate value you can give a person is to treat a person seriously, to take notice of that person. When you treat a person lightly and you don’t acknowledge them, you sit at a table and talk to all your friends, ignoring the one person who sits by themselves you are stripping this person of their value in effect giving them a curse. – Alei Shor Chapter 8

This offers us an opportunity for a Purim Mussar Practice.

***********Here’s The Mussar Practice***********************

Name Queen Esther as a Jewish Woman of Color, especially if no people of color are around.
Whether or not you are Jewish, you are invited to participate in this practice. Please join me in this practice of Honor, going out of our way to make our siblings of color feel seen today.

I hope you’ll give this practice a try. When you do, be on the lookout for how it feels inside. Will you havec a strong somatic reaction like me, or something else?

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As it says in the Book of Esther, this is a time when we remember a day when great sorrow turned to joy.

This practice offers us opportunity to take people in our community seriously. It can turn their sorrow of being invisible to the joy of being seen.

When we do so, we add another inch on the road to the World to Come.

What do you think? Comment below and let me know.