honor - American Mussar

How Not To Offer Help – a Mussar Practice Perspective

June 15, 2018 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

Imagine yourself a writer with two books. You are waiting in line after an event to introduce yourself to the speaker. Someone in front of you was talking about a manuscript they have that no one will publish. You offer your card, saying you’ll introduce them to your agent for the book. After some more conversation on and off over the next 15 minutes, you walk away thinking, “They will never email me.”

You go on to construct a story in your head about everything wrong with this other person. You know Mussar enough to recognize a soul trait imbalance in the other, and weave that imbalance into your story. After all, they bragged to you that they already had one book out that sold more than 10,000 copies. You decide they would rather be a victim about their book and story, rather than taking ownership and opportunities for help.

You even find a text to back you up.

He who purifies himself will be assisted. One who sets out to defile himself will find the way open. (Yoma 38b)

You teach text all the time to help build resilience. When we are willing to reach out to others and ask for help to improve, help will be provided. But if we want to let ourselves go down a negative path, we have the free will to make those choices.

As you may have guessed by now, this is not a hypothetical example. I am describing an incident that happened recently, and those thoughts and reactions were my own.

I journaled about them, and a small warning bell went off in my head.

Greg, you are being awfully judgy.

Judging others is a big no no in a Mussar practice. The soul trait of Honor teaches us to be wary of judgements. So I asked myself a question: “What other explanation is there for this person’s actions? Maybe I did or said something that elicited their response.”

Here are a few things I noticed when I thought about our interactions in more detail:

They never asked me for help or advice
I inserted myself into their conversation several times as they spoke to different people
The final time I inserted myself, I said something about writing 2 books, to which they responded about the success of their first book.

My entire perspective on the experience changed. I don’t know what their situation is, and frankly it isn’t any of my business. Offering help is a fine thing to do, but all the other stuff, including the story and judgements I constructed is the work of the Evil Inclination throwing me off track.

And it is an important reminder of the following teaching:

“Wisdom is what brings a person to conceit and haughtiness more than anything else, because it derives from a noble quality that is inherent in the person himself—the intellect.” –Rabbi Chaim Luzatto, Path of the Just

The tone of this quote is a bit harsh, but I don’t take it that way. My Mussar knowledge should not be used to judge other people. And I normally don’t push myself on others in that way. I find comfort that this mistake is made by many of the most wise.

And I am so thankful that I have this practice to help me learn and grow.

Want to give Mussar a try? Take the Soul Trait Quiz.

Photo by Jonas Jacobsson on Unsplash

Three Key Soul Traits for Your Passover Mussar Practice

April 10, 2017 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

Passover is THE Jewish story. Yes we became liberated from bondage, and more importantly, the fundamental message of Judaism is told again and again in this story and throughout Jewish literature. “Be Kind to the stranger, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt.” Rabbi Ira Stone teaches that the goal of Mussar is to learn to bear the burden of other people – which itself directly translates from this Passover lesson. So let’s take this opportunity to do a Passover Mussar practice.

Remember that Passover is not only about ancient liberation but personal liberation. The Hebrew word for Egypt, Mitzrayim, is translated as “narrow place.” Slavery in Egypt confined us to a narrow place, with constrictions on our physical, emotional, and spiritual lives. The Rabbi Nachman of Bratzlov (1772-1822) said, “The Exodus from Egypt occurs in every human being, in every era, in every year, and in every day.” Exodus is the story of liberation from the things that hold us back. By practicing Enthusiasm, Order, and Honor, we can begin to exit our narrow place.

Focus on Enthusiasm in your Passover Mussar Practice

In the Mussar classic Path of the Just, Rabbi Luzzatto makes Enthusiasm a key pillar of personal transformation. In part, this is because he argues that our natural inclination is to be “lazy.” While I dislike the judgmental connotation of the term, the fact remains that many of us would prefer to just avoid the hard work of personal change. I saw a great cartoon with two panels. In the first, the speaker asks who wants change? Everyone raises their hand. In the second, he asks “Who wants to change.?” As you may have guessed, not a single hand was raised. Even when we are unhappy about something, the Evil Inclination will supply us with ample excuses and fears to prevent us from taking action to make it better.

Luzzatto points to Abraham, who ran around his camp to welcome guests, and Rebecca who hastened to water a guests camels, as examples of our behavior. We should run to do good. When we do, we unlock an inner fire as our “emotions are aroused and [our] enthusiasm waxes stronger.”

Moses saw a flame that did not consume, that led him on a path of discovery and personal growth, that led him to take on a seemingly impossible task. Moses was reluctant at first, but the Divine helped him grow personally to take this task on. And one way he helped was to give Moses a plan.

Practice Order by Creating a Plan to Change as Part of Your Passover Mussar Practice

The Hebrew word for Order is Seder – yes, that meal we have every year at least once during Passover. Moses presented a litany of excuses why he could not lead the Israelites out of Egypt, including worries about his speaking ability, and fears that the people will not believe him. In response, God gives Moses a plan, teaching him a few miracles to show the people, and reminding him that his brother can do the talking when needed.(See Exodus 4:1-17 for the full story). While you may be unsure of the Divinity, forming a plan of action is a sensible approach to bring about personal change. What are some small miracles that you can perform to help you on the way? By miracle, I mean some action outside of your comfort zone. I have a friend who was a cut you off, screamer of a driver. As part of her Mussar practice she started letting every car that wanted to merge in front of her. She became a calm driver, and as far as I’m concerned, it was a miracle.

The second part of the story is equally important? Who will be the Aaron in your life, a relative, friend, or mentor who will help you on your journey? Part of the challenge is to be bold enough to commit to change, and to ask for someone for help.

Balance Honor in your Passover Mussar Practice

Part of the answer to changing oneself is paradoxically to think less about yourself. When we focus our energy on serving others, we can take a break from our own worries, and the path of such service will carry us outside boundaries that are keeping us stuck. And, often we hold ourselves back precisely because we are framing the issue in a self-centered way. Try doing something particularly loving for your partner or for a friend. Listen without speaking. Bringing the focus away from yourself will provide you a breath of fresh air, to carry your life in a new direction.

Now of course, your narrow place might be excessive service to others. In fact Tova Ross wrote a great article for Tablet about overcoming her narrow place of people pleasing. Ross shares an inspiring story of he she came to recognize just how miserable and unhealthy she was making herself trying to be well liked. Passover teaches us that we should remember the stranger, not that we should become a stranger, nor make self care a stranger in our life.

What is the narrow place you are seeking liberation from this year? What soul traits can help you overcome it? Please share below.

What Soul Traits are keeping you in your narrow place? Take the Soul Trait Profile Quiz to find out. Click here now to take it.

Mensch or Jerk is Determined by Small Moments

May 18, 2016 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

At breakfast a few years ago, a friend of mine and I discussed a volunteer meeting we had recently attended. It ran over its allotted time by 45 minutes, until 9:45 at night. My friend was really upset because it interfered with family plans. As one of the leaders of the meeting, I instantly apologized. Interestingly, my friend quickly corrected himself, insisting that it was a small thing, and that he should not have gotten upset.

While my friend seemed suddenly ashamed of his emotional reaction, I reassured him that he was not out of line, explaining that a central teaching of Mussar is that life is lived by small things. Mensch or jerk is determined by how we show up in small moments. How often do we have a really big thing land in our lap? It is these small things – the small moments of life — that make up daily life. And the one thing a Jewish leader should never do is disrespect the people he or she is serving. His candor was actually a gift, reminding me of my sacred duty.

The Soul Trait of Honor reminds us that each person is a Divine Soul, and should be treated accordingly. While it is true that as a leader, I did not do anything egregious – no human rights violations or dehumanizing behavior — what I failed to do was adequately coordinate with the other leaders to ensure that we delivered on our promise of ending the meeting by 9:00. The Soul Trait of Enthusiasm, reminds us that we need to proactively run to do good, as Abraham does in Genesis 18:6-7 when he runs around arranging food for guests a few hours after being circumcised at the age of 99.

As leaders, we should proactively make sure that we are honoring and respecting the time of volunteers, especially in this over-scheduled age. This is a lesson many non-profit organizations would do well to learn.

I remember that day because a few hours later, something amazing happened. I was in the checkout line at the grocery store, reading the New York Times on my phone. I mindlessly stepped forward, as I had already put the groceries on the belt, and the cashier said “Hi.” In a flash, I remembered a recent article I read about how awful it feels to be ignored because the person you are serving has their face in a phone. And I remembered the Mussar teaching for Honor, to greet everyone before they greet you (reference).

So I put down the phone, looked her in the eye, smiled, and said “Hi.” It was like magic. She smiled back, a full face smile and her eyes sparkled.

I felt great. We both did. I kept thinking about it over and over as I walked to my car and started to leave the parking lot. “Wasn’t that great? Who can I tell? Should I include the story in my book….” I started composing in my head.

My happy reverie was suddenly broken as someone yelled loudly as I drove towards the exit.

“A-hole!”

The word rang in my ears. “Was that at me?” I wondered. “What did I do?” Did I cut someone off? Did I just miss a pedestrian? Maybe I was so wrapped up thinking about what a great Mensch I am that I wasn’t paying enough attention to my driving.

Or maybe the irate individual wasn’t even talking to me.

Whatever the case, the incident was a good reminder from the Universe: Life is lived in small moments. There is no room for complacency or patting myself on the back. We do not honor others so we can feel good about ourselves; we do it because it is the right thing to do.

And we move on from one instance of menschiness to the next.

Planning a meeting, going through the check out line, driving in the parking lot: three small opportunities to practice honor in a short span of time. Mensch or jerk? I got it right 1 time out of 3. Hey, in baseball that would put me in the Hall of Fame.

Want to start down the path of menchiness? Click Here to take the Soul Trait Profile Quiz.

Image credit: Smile by Dasha via Flickr CC

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What About Me? – A Poem About Honor

December 23, 2015 By Greg Marcus 1 Comment

What About Me?

What about me? is what

My soul cries.

I flee from Honor but like a

Leopard it hunts me.

What about me?

I look back and Run Run Run

What about me?

The tears fall down my face as I

Run Run Run.

I stumble, and am caught.

What about me? I whimper

I am gently set on my feet.

I smile.

I breathe.

And I stride.

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Mitzvah Circle Foundation Exemplifies the Soul Trait Honor

December 18, 2015 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

It is with great pleasure that we award the Mitzvah Circle Foundation our very first Point Of Light Award. Mitzvah Circle Foundation exemplified the Soul Trait Honor.

The Mitzvah Circle Foundation helps people who are falling through the cracks between other government assistance and philanthropic organizations. For example, Mitzvah Circle offers assistance to the homeless, has an extensive diaper bank (for both infants and adults), provides school supplies, and hats for the homeless. But what makes Mitzvah Circle stand out are the values that the organization lives.

The Hebrew word Mitzvah is often misunderstood as a good deed. (Although the Yiddish word Mitzveh does in fact mean good deed.) A Mitzvah is actually a commandment from God. Scholars have identified 613 commandments in the Torah, which together provide a guideline for how we are to live our life. Today, it is far too easy to get caught up in thinking of the Commandments as either something huge (like do not kill) or something that only the most observant Jews would follow, like keeping Kosher or not not turning on a light on Shabbat.

In between however, are many commandments about how to treat others with dignity, respect, and kindness. Those are the commandments embodied by Mitzvah Circle. Founder Fran Held explained to me that the Mitzvah Circle is a community, that encompases donors, volunteers and the people that they serve.

While other organizations put together generic boxes of assistance, Mitzvah Circle asks what is needed. “We treat the people we serve like family,” Held explained. “Every individual or family is assigned a volunteer, who packs a box specifically for them every week, and then drops the box at their door.” The volunteers get to know their families personally, and each week tries to add one item just for fun to the box of assistance. Every day of the week, boxes are delivered to people who live in the Greater Philadelphia Area, and shipped to people across the United States.

The people we serve dream of things that most of us take for granted, like socks and clean underwear.” – Fran Held, Founder and Executive Director

The Soul Trait Honor teaches us to honor the divine spark in everyone. Said Held, “Each person has an opportunity to be a light in the darkness.” Volunteers come and do what they can. For some people that is donating money and goods, for others it is donating their time. But everyone supports each other with kindness and respect.

People were silently suffering in every community. Some without resources, some without the the social connectedness to get through their dark time. – Fran Held

The Mitzvah Circle is like a shamash candle that helps kindle the Divine spark in all of us to shine more brightly. If you would like to support their work, you can donate here.

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