American Mussar

21st century Jewish spiritual practice for an authentic and meaningful life

Mussar Helps With Election Stress

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Mussar Helps With Election Stress
Walking on a beautiful day for self care
What a week, what a week. In the last 23 hours, it seems like I have had every emotion under the sun, including anger, fear and … well probably some others too.

As Kohellet wrote in the book of Ecclesiastes:  

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: a time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted; a time to break down and a time to build up. (See more here.)
With the election a few days away, what time is it now? I look around and see a lot of breaking down. At the same time, I see people standing in line for hours to vote. Their quiet determination says we can build a better future. Both forces are at work.
Where does Loving-Kindness, our topic for this weeks drop in Jewish Wisdom Zoom gathering, fit in?
This morning when I was making breakfast, the answer came to me. Someone dripped sticky stuff all over the floor, and I stepped in it. As I thought about how I could express my displeasure to others in the household, a quiet voice said in my head.
Just wipe it up.
The Talmud teaches that the world is built on Loving-Kindness. I don’t know who spilled – maybe it was me. But I was there, and I could clean it up as a way to build a better world in my own kitchen.
I can’t fix Facebook, and I can’t control what will happen in the month ahead. But I can focus my energy on building a better world for the people I care about. And when I do show up in the public arena, I can keep my focus on building a better world, even when I am working to uproot injustice and cruelty.
Rabbi Hillel wrote In a place where there are no humans, strive to be a human.”
Is there anything more human than showing up with Kindness? Is there anything that requires more strength right now?
Wishing you the strength and courage to show up with Kindness, whatever may lie ahead. And most importantly, be kind to yourself.

Balance Survival with Lovingkindness and Mussar

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balance survival with lovingkindness
Wholeness brings together animal instincts with human compassion

Right now many of us are angry and grieving and afraid, doing what we can to get by and are completely done with being at home.

And many of us, by choice or by necessity, are out there in the world risking infection to keep the rest of us fed and safe. Many, from medical professionals to grocery workers to my friend who works in the post office, do not have sufficient protective gear or sick leave. 

How do we balance our need for safety with the need to care for others?

The first mission is survival. It is a thought that has gone through my head many times over the years. I imagined saying it to my children as we lived in financial comfort. I wanted them to be prepared for a day when the world could change dramatically, to remember to take care of themselves first. 

Here we are today in a world dramatically different, and that part of my brain is saying “See, I told you so.” And while it is correct, in that we need to take steps to stay safe, this view of the world is incomplete. We cannot, for example, resort to hoarding in the name of survival, because…

We also need to “bear the burden of the other,” which according to Rabbi Ira Stone is the primary mission of Mussar. This point of view is equally true, especially now. We need each other to get through this thing. One of the most important soul traits to help support others is Lovingkindness. Pirkei Avot (1:2) teaches us that the world is built on acts of Lovingkindness. (Which inspired Menachem Creditor to write this amazing song). These are acts that go above and beyond to support others, without expecting anything in return. 

This brings to mind a Mussar practice to balance Survival with  Lovingkindness, because right now we need to do both, survive and support others without expecting anything in return. Each day, try to do one thing mindfully to support your own wellbeing, and one thing to support others.

For yourself, you could
  • take a bath
  • watch your favorite tv show
  • meditate
  • read for pleasure, spiritual inspiration or personal growth
  • ask for help
For others, you could:
  • take the first step to reconcile
  • Call someone who is isolated or sick
  • Make a charitable donation
  • Buy something extra from a local business
  • offer to help

During this time, many things that we normally do are extra hard. For example, it might take an extra effort to be polite or clean up after yourself. So right now, doing these extra hard things anyway can be considered an act of Lovingkindness because they support others, help create a better world, and are more than the minimum you could be doing.

What are you doing for self care, and to care for others?

This weeks Mussar community gathering will be focusing on Loving-kindness, chapter 9 in The Spiritual Practice of Good Actions. No preparation is necessary – just come! Details and video here.

Photo by Jonas Vincent on Unsplash

A Spiritual Response To The Tree of Life Massacre

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It is with profound sadness that I write this post. There is no right or wrong way to cope with the murders at Tree of Life *Or L’Simcha Congregation in Pittsburgh. I’ve seen lots of wonderful emails and posts from leaders in the Jewish community, with suggestions on what to do for kids, as a leader in a congregation, etc. But I have been struggling on how to react as a person. Here are my thoughts as they unfolded on Saturday, with a suggested Mussar practice.

It was surreal to pull up to the synagogue where I facilitate two Mussar groups and see a police car parked in front. There was another police car parked behind the synagogue, near the main entrance. Surreal, but not a surprise. Word of the shooting at Tree of Life *Or L’Simcha Congregation in Pittsburgh had already hit the news. When something like this happens, we need to protect ourselves.

We spoke of it on both groups – one person said they were not sure they were going to come, but upon hearing the news “I made sure to be here.”  This is what we do – we show up in times of grief.

The full horror of the murder of my Jewish siblings did not hit me until later in the day. I am in shock and mourning, as is the whole community of Jews and our allies.

The soul trait of Loving-Kindness (Chesed in Hebrew) teaches that comforting mourners is one of the highest and most sacred acts in Judaism. But how exactly do we mourn when we do not know the dead personally? What if I don’t want to visualize my own beloved sanctuary drowned in blood?

A friend of mine died unexpectedly a few years ago, and I’ve seen first hand how shattering it was to her husband and children. Must I dwell upon the survivors of the 11 who were murdered?

My denial gone, I sit feeling shattered. But still, how do I mourn?

I offer a mussar practice to help us through.

****Here’s the Mussar Practice*****

Allow yourself to feel sad. I didn’t feel sad the morning I first heard the news. I didn’t feel much of anything. I used to fear that I was low in the soul trait of Compassion because I did not feel in situations like this. Now I understand that I have too much Compassion, and shut off to avoid being flooded. Now I know this is a normal response to trauma. 

A spiritual response to mass murder is to inhabit the feelings that arise. Skipping sadness is dangerous, and opens the door to the evil inclination influencing our actions in ways that make things worse.

So, I am choosing to let myself feel sad. Here are a few ways we can do this together.

  1. Tell people you are sad when they ask how you are. When I picked up my Chinese food for dinner, when they asked how I was, I said that I was sad over the Tree of Life Temple. They were shocked, and did not know what to say. And, they were sympathetic, and know that this event across the country impacts a regular customer who they greet by name.
  2. Reach out to others. Call friends and loved ones and let them know you are sad. Offer comfort, and allow them to comfort you. Many organizations across the faith spectrum are hosting events. Go to one, whatever your faith. Be there for others, and for yourself.
  3. Make their memory a blessing. “May their memory be a blessing” is a traditional way that Jews offer comfort to a mourner. It means may their memory inspire us and bring comfort. For example, we can give blood, donate money, or volunteer to help those in need. You are invited to join me and donate directly to Tree of Life*Or L’Simcha Congregation.

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Rabbi Ira Stone teaches that the mission of Mussar is “bearing the burden of the other.” In a time like this, we need to hold each other up. We need to bear and be bourn.

Mussar is a practice of personal growth and spiritual transformation. Is it too early to think about growth and change? Yes and no. Before we get to growth, we need to pass through sadness. We practice Mussar so it can be there for us in times of crisis when we need it. We aspire to grow and learn each day, even on the worst days.

We have endured a lot as a people, and will endure more as we continue to pray for peace and a just society. I trust our tradition that coming to grips with sadness is key way station on the path of wholeness, and holiness.

Next Post: Practice Gratitude After Tree of Life?

My Dad Had a Stroke. Mussar Spoke.

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my dad had a stroke
David Marcus with tomato

I’ve often said that my soul traits follow me around, but this is ridiculous. I am currently leading three Mussar groups, and my personal practice was out of sync with all of them. But after a very intense discussion about the soul trait of Loving Kindness in one of the parenting groups, some instinct told me to start on Loving-Kindness right away. We practice Loving Kindness by helping other people without the thought of reward even if they do not deserve it.

Mussar teaches that the world is built on acts of Loving Kindness. There are a few classical examples of acts of Loving Kindness, that include burying the dead, clothing the naked (usually interpreted as taking care of the poor), and visiting the sick. In each case, we are doing something that is uncomfortable, and we are not in a position to get anything in return.

Just a few days later, my cell phone rang when I was getting a decaf almond milk latte at Peets. It was my stepmother. “Oh no,” I thought. “She never calls my cell phone.”

As I feared, the news was not good:. My dad had a stroke.

My parents are divorced, and I lived with my father growing up. Suddenly this man who had raised me is weak on one side of his body, and is having trouble speaking. I feel numb in the moment, and very helpless living on the other side of the country. I wander in the street outside Peets, asking my stepmother to pause as the train blares its way into the station. It is surreal. Then I talk to him on the phone. He speaks with energy, and obvious mental clarity, but I don’t understand the words coming out of his mouth. They are slurred. Very slurred.

To be honest, I was confused about what I should do. I live in California, he lives in Syracuse. The emergency wasn’t so dire that I had to leave immediately. With my wife was in Europe, I needed to take care of the kids. I talked with my stepmother about when to come out. Our initial conversations were very much in head space – “practical considerations” about when I could be most helpful. This week, next week, the following week… Each had it’s advantages when I could be there to help with various things.

Then I sat down to journal that night, and a quiet voice spoke to me. It said “visit the sick.”

“Visit the sick” has no time qualifications attached to it. It purely exists within heart space.
And I knew what I had to do.

The voice of someone in my father’s generation came to me – “I don’t need an ancient Rabbi to tell me the right thing to do.” True. Mussar does not tell us the right thing to do. We already know it most of the time. As Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler put it, Mussar helps the heart understand what the mind already knows. Whether we like to admit it or not, the heart is in charge. The heart is stronger than the head.

So off I went to Syracuse less than 24 hours after my wife got back in town. I thought a lot about Maimonides rules for visiting the sick. They include:

  • Don’t stand over the sick person, and don’t sit on their bed. Sit on the floor or a chair
  • Don’t bring bad news, and don’t be Pollyanna about their condition either
  • Bring a gift
  • Ask permission

I am back home now. He is doing ok, but the road ahead is long. It was a hard trip, but not nearly as hard as as I thought it would be. Time flowed differently for me the last few days. I spent a lot of time just sitting, just being there.

These rules give me something to hold on to. And they remind me of a greater truth – we visit the sick to preserve human dignity, to sanctify life, and to honor the Divine Spark in all of us.

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What Not To Say To Someone In Mourning

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What Not To Say To Someone In Mourning
I miss you… by Matthew Fang via Flcr CC

It has been a rough week. A good friend of mine who also happens to be one of my Mussar students passed away over the weekend. She was about 50 and has two teens at home. It was sudden and unexpected, and her husband, kids, mother, and the rest of us are quite devastated.

Her husband and I are friends; we’ve talked a few times. It is so hard to know what to say to someone who has just lost so much. “How are you?” doesn’t seem like a helpful question. Legacy Connect offers many short articles that cover how to handle a variety of situations. (Read them here.)

Caring for the dead and comforting the bereaved are two important acts of Loving Kindness. While caring for the dead is something we generally leave to professionals these days, comforting the bereaved is something we can all do. When I was putting the finishing touches on The Spiritual Practice of Good Actions, I came across an article by writer Anita Diamant, who shared her struggle to comfort a friend who lost a baby.[1] Here is what I wrote

“Diamant described being “in mourning” as a parallel universe where being in the shadow of death is not a metaphor. Her friend told her that every gesture of support, even if it was a phone call or email to say “I’m sorry” counted for a lot because it gave her a connection to the living world. Diamant described her struggle not to try to cheer her friend up as she held her hand while she cried. While I have not been in those exact shoes, I know what it feels like to want to cheer someone else up. In part, it is because we want to feel better. It is really heavy to be there with someone who is in such terrible pain. Diamant’s act of selfless Loving-Kindness leaves me in a kind of helpless awe.”

I thought of Diamant’s words often this week, as I just tried to be there. This week I was in Diamant’s shoes, and as I was with the grieving husband. I just listened. Other times, I also needed support, and was grateful that I had people listening to me as I shared my grief  I’m thankful that I have so many friends willing to be there with me, to listen without judgement and without giving advice.

Mussar teaches that there is no escape from the ups and downs of life. We do not have the luxury of retreating and hoping it all goes away. We show up, and do the best we can. It’s nice to have some teachings and guidance along the way. At the end of the day, we all need each other. With the right people at your back, we can live each day like it might be our last, not in frantic haste, but in mindful presence, getting the most out of every moment.

If you are thinking of joining us on our Mussar journey, a good place to start is with the Soul Trait Profile Quiz. Click here to take it now. 

[1] Anita Diamant, Pitching My Tent, (New York: Scribner, 2005), 104-106.

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