Humility - American Mussar

How Much Space Should I Take Up? A Mussar Reflection on Humility

October 30, 2025 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

How Much Space Do We Take Up?

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the space we take up in the world.

Not just physical space, but emotional and spiritual space, too — in relationships, in community, and especially in leadership. I’ve stepped into a role where people tend to look to me for direction, and that’s a gift. But it’s also a responsibility.

Because leadership isn’t about talking the loudest. It’s about knowing when to speak… and when to step back so others can rise.

The Question: How Much Space Should I Take Up?

This question sits at the heart of the Mussar practice of Anavah — humility. Alan Morinis captures it beautifully:

“No more than my space, not less than my place.”

I am in a new leadership position, a position that naturally invites me to take up more space. Some of it is appropriate. I am the spiritual leader in the community. However, there are many other leaders, including the Board and my clergy partner. My job is not to override them, nor is it to dictate to congregants what they should or should not think about politics or Israel. I view my position as rabbi as I view my position in the American Mussar community – guide and empower others on their spiritual journeys.

The running of the synagogue is a partnership. In fact, I try to be very careful about what I do and do not ask for, because congregants and volunteers will want to do what they can to meet my requests. I’ve experienced too many leaders who take up too much space, sending people running left and right to meet a flurry of requests. In fact, I’ve been that leader.

I’ve taken up too much space before. And I’ve also held back when my voice or presence was needed. Getting it right is a practice — a lifelong one.

Mussar Reflection: Where Do You Stand?

So I’m asking myself daily:

Where is it mine to act — and where is it mine to step back?

Some days the practice is stepping forward.
Other days it’s creating space for someone else to shine.

How about you?

Where in your life could you take up more space — or less?

Let this be a gentle invitation to notice the size of your presence. Not to shrink, and not to dominate — but to stand in the right-sized space that’s truly yours.

Your Turn

Where are you practicing this balance in your life?

Please share below. I try to answer every comment.

And if you’d like more Mussar reflections like this one, subscribe to the American Mussar newsletter

Harm Reduction as a Mussar Humility Practice

November 3, 2023 By Greg Marcus 2 Comments

This has been a challenging month for me, as it has been for many in the Jewish and Jewish adjacent communities. The War in Israel has cut to the core in ways that I can’t begin to enumerate. Many people both inside and outside of the Jewish community are fragile and overwrought by the scale of death and suffering, and the surge of antisemitism around the world.

This week as we enter our second week practicing Humility, I’m asking myself how much space I should take up. I’ve decided to take a harm reduction approach, and I invite you to join me in this practice. Harm reduction has its roots in drug treatment, and assumes that everyone has dignity, and that sometimes we can reduce harm to ourselves and others even if we can’t or won’t stop using completely.

The idea behind a harm reduction as a Mussar Humility practice is to assume that everyone is having a difficult time, and avoid things that could cause more pain. For example, I have friends who think Israel needs to end the occupation immediately. While I disagree, I am not going to get into it with them. This is particularly important on Facebook or social media. A time will come for us to work out these differences, but now is not the time, and social media certainly is not the place. In fact, I am reducing harm to myself by limiting my time on social media.

This practice is particularly important for me because I have been wracked by judgement, and set off by small things. For example, in a class this week we became “sidetracked” only five minutes into class by a series of questions from my fellow students . I was disturbed, and ready to ask that we “get back on track.” Two things held me back. First, I realized that it was not my place to tell a professor how to run their class. Just because I didn’t like it did not mean it was the wrong way to go. And second, I realized that my objections could potentially upset the professor and my fellow students engaged in a lively discussion. “I don’t want to do any harm here,” I said to myself and kept quiet. After the break the professor shared how happy and excited he was at the participation, and that the content per se was not as important as our collective engagement with the material. I was really happy that I’d kept my mouth shut.

Alan Morinis wrote, “No more than my place. Not less than my space.” Now it is particularly important to be mindful of how much space to take up.

Photo by Kai Pilger on Unsplash

Esther’s Mussar Humility Lesson

March 14, 2019 By Greg Marcus 4 Comments

Esther’s Mussar Humility Lesson:

Have you ever been thrust into a situation where you were called to step outside of your comfort zone? If so, did you have to choose between stepping up to bring some good into the world, or doing nothing and let something bad happen?

This is exactly the choice Queen Esther faced in the Purim story.

To recap, in the Book of Esther, a Jewish woman of color named Esther wins a beauty contest to become Queen. Then, an evil advisor to the King arranges to have the Jewish people annihilated. Esther’s uncle Mordechei asks her to go to the King to prevent this calamity.

At the time, however, to approach the king uninvited was an offense punishable by death. Esther could have been dissuaded by the risk; nevertheless she persisted. Now remember, Esther is Queen by virtue of a beauty contest. She could have fallen prey to the Imposter Syndrome, and decided that she was unworthy of the task at hand. The Megillah (5:1) describes what happens next.

“Esther donned [garments of] royalty and stood in the inner courtyard of the palace, facing the palace. The king was sitting on his royal throne in the palace facing the palace entrance.”

Notice how it reads if we eliminate the “[garments of].”*

Esther donned royalty.”

What does that mean to don royalty? This is Esther’s Mussar Humility lesson. She went before the King in a regal persona, and did not get hung up by the selection process that made her Queen. Esther had a right to be there, and made the most of her opportunity.

Have you ever been faced with a situation where you were called upon to do something outside your comfort zone? Do you ever get worried that you don’t belong and let yourself get paralyzed? Take inspiration from Esther, and just do it.

Thankfully few of us will have to step up the way that Esther did, where failure means genocide. At the same time, we live in extraordinary times, with political turmoil at home, and war abroad. Do you feel called on to speak out?

We should not simply read this story an an invitation for civic action. Who among us has not been faced with a trying situation at work, in our marriage, with a friend, or with the challenge of growing into full adulthood? How best can we step up, to do right by the people in our lives?

Can we stand by and do nothing if our Alma Mater is turning a blind eye to rape on campus?

You are heartily invited to stop for a moment and consider how Esther’s Mussar Humility lesson applies to you. Read the following and then close your eyes.

Think of the people in your life. What challenges do they face?

What is one small step you can take to support your friends, family and community in a new way?

How can you occupy your space to take responsibility, and try to be part of the solution?

Or, perhaps you need to occupy less space. If you are a parent, do you let you kids fail and learn from their mistakes?

Please comment below to capture your intention.

Want to learn more about Mussar Humility? Click here for a free sneak peak at the Humility lesson from the American Mussar cycle.

*The brackets indicate an interpretive translation as opposed to a literal translation. As my comment above suggests, I think this interpretation is incorrect, and undervalues Esther’s contribution as a strong woman of color.

This blog post inspired a Niggun co-written by Greg Marcus and Jacqueline Rafii. Click here to see it on YouTube.

Arrogant Meekness: The Mussar Secret To Good Relationships

December 13, 2018 By Greg Marcus 1 Comment

A group of men in the 40s, 50s, and 60s, sitting together in a circle discussing their inner journey. Our cell phones rest in a shoe box under my chair. It was a place of true vulnerability for all of us.

As a man spoke, the rest remained silent. Listening. Witnessing. Then the next man spoke without reference to what the previous man said. There was no posturing, or trying to outdo what the previous person had to say. The tone was quiet and respectful. Such is the magic of Mussar for Men.

Our meetings begin with a sacred listening experience. Each man checks in on where they are with their Mussar practice, sharing an incident from the prior two weeks. While there was a large range in what people had to say, a common theme emerged. Many men talked about relationships, making mindful decisions to make space for others or to holding their own space.

The soul trait of Humility governs how much space we take up in the universe. As Alan Morinis wrote, “No more than my space, no less than my place.” We need to find that middle place between arrogance and meekness to occupy our proper place in the world. When we move to occupy that middle ground, it opens the door to a profound transformation in our relationships.

Whatever your gender, here are a few examples of how to apply this mussar secret to good relationships.

Mussar Secret To Good Relationships Example 1:

Imagine that you don’t get along with your sister in-law and her husband. There is a long history of arguments with your spouse when you visit them. The dynamic is as tired as you feel after these visits. You observe some patterns in their family that seem unhealthy to you. When you bring them up, your partner gets defensive, and you fight.

What if instead, you decided to occupy less space? Instead of imposing your opinion on your spouse, you just observe and stay silent. You might find that your partner fills the space you have opened, and brings up the very things you are observing.

Mussar Secret To Good Relationships Example 2

Imagine that you are mad at one of your teen children. You sit there fuming, too mad to go in the other room and deal with the situation. What if you allowed yourself to bring Loving-Kindness into your awareness? Imagine a softening, a change in perspective, and a path towards change. Now see yourself occupying the parental space to go and deal with the issue from a place of caring instead of anger. The door is open to a real conversation, instead of yelling and door slamming.

Know How Much Space You Are Occupying

The Mussar secret to good relationships is to know where you sit along the spectrum from arrogance to meekness at any given moment. Whether you are dealing with a coworker, your boss, a stranger, or loved one, knowing your place, and how much space to take up requires self discernment and sensitivity to the needs of the other. When something feels off to you, chances are that you can make a shift in your Humility to bring a change to the dynamic.

Each of us has the capability to have healthy relationships in all areas of our life. Think about a relationship you’d like to improve. Where do you sit along the spectrum from arrogance to meekness? What step can you take to change the amount of space you occupy to bring things towards balance?

Want to start your own Mussar journey? Take the Soul Trait Quiz.

Image credit: Photo by Michael Mazzone on Unsplash

Discover the Mussar Hanukkah Miracle

December 6, 2018 By Greg Marcus 3 Comments

On the first night of Hanukkah, as I uploaded this picture to Facebook, I was moved to write a short poem.

The next morning, I was surprised to see over 100 likes and 18 shares.

Here’s the poem that emerged:

The Miracle of Hanukkah Night 1: Humility
There is just one light.
Is it enough?
Am I enough?
It is exactly as it should be.
And so am I

The message is simple, and I guess it resonated. After all, does anyone sit there and complain that there is only one candle? One candle is enough.

Yet in other areas of our life, we yearn for more. It can be more material things, like more money, a “better” car, a bigger house… Once we start down that path, however, there is no end. “Whoever loves silver will not be sated with silver.” (Ecclesiastes 5:9).

Or we can yearn for more accomplishments. Recently when I was working on Envy, I noticed how I always reacted to news of other people being asked to speak in public. That reaction was very much related to my feeling of “enoughness.” When I feel like I am enough, I have either happiness or indifference to the accomplishments of others. But if I don’t feel like I am enough, I can long to be in another’s shoes.

When our Humility is out of balance, we focus too much on ourselves. This can come out at arrogance, or as doormatty feelings that the world singles us out for misfortune.

The poem offers an alternative, to practice Trust: All is as it should be, and that we are ok just as we are.

If you can Trust that you are enough (even if you don’t feel like we are enough), you can take action and experience the Hanukkah miracle of enoughness.

*Here’s The Mussar Practice******

Fill someone’s cup. As Jews, we are obliged to give Tzedakah, charity, to help those in need. Even those who receive Tzedakah are obliged to give, which highlights a recognition that the act of giving changes the soul. In a similar way, if you are not feeling like you are enough, focus your thoughts on helping someone else.

After all, as Rabbi Ira Stone teaches, the primary challenge of Mussar is the bear the burden of the other. So what better way to re-enforce our own sense of being enough than to give of ourselves?

If however, you are on the part of the spectrum where you are giving and giving and giving, such that you are starting to feel like a dried up twig, be sure to fill your own cup.

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Our history changed the moment that Moses noticed a flame that did not consume. Our history changed again when the oil that should have lasted only one day burned for 8 days. Once again, a flame burned but was not consumed.

You too, contain a Divine flame that burns but does not consume.

The real miracle of Hanukkah is to recognize that you are enough just as you are.

Want to know what parts of the soul influence your sense of enoughness? Take the Soul Trait Quiz Now