Honor - American Mussar

Ready to Bear the Burden of the Other? The Mussar Quest

June 8, 2023 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

Recently, we had perhaps one of our best Mussar gatherings as we started to explore the soul trait of Honor. You can see the recording here. What made is special was how often the stories turned relational. Honor is about recognizing the Divine spark in others and acting accordingly. When we act from a place where we recognize the fundamental worth of others, it become all about relationship.

Rabbi Ira Stone teaches that Mussar is “learning to bear the burden of the other.” If that is our fundamental job, then Honor must play a foundational role in Mussar. Patience becomes staying in relationship with someone who annoys us. Humility becomes not taking space that belongs to another because it might damage the relationship.

Last week in our breakout groups, we discussed a teaching from 13th century Rabbi Yonah of Gerondi that stressed the importance of one’s own self worth. If we put this in the context of bearing the burden of the other, we quickly realize that unless we are strong enough to hold our own weight, how can we carry the weight of another?

I wrote this post on the last day of my internship working in bereavement. Over the last nine months, I built my capacity to hear people’s stories without carrying them around for days after. This too was an exercise in Honor. I needed to be able to build my own foundation, to bear their burden while they shared it, and then to not carry it in ways that are not helpful to them, and frankly harmful to me.

How do you relate to the concept of “bearing the burden of the other?” I’d love to hear from you, and as always I answer every email.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Cherish Your Non-Jewish Partner This Rosh Hashanah

September 14, 2020 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

In 2004 Rabbi Janet Marder at Congregation Beth Am in Los Altos sent shockwaves through the Jewish world by blessing the non-Jewish spouses who were members of the congregation on Yom Kippur. The message was clear: Cherish your non-Jewish partner.

Rabbi Marder said, “What we want to thank you for today is your decision to cast your lot with the Jewish people by becoming part of this congregation, and the love and support you give to your Jewish partner.” You can read the entire blessing here.

The blessing took place a few years before my family joined that congregation, and people were still talking about it. At the time, my wife was not Jewish and we picked Beth Am because the website was covered with welcoming messages, and our makeup is diverse – interfaith, same sex, intercultural marriages abound. We felt comfortable and welcomed. But it didn’t mean that there weren’t issues, issues that I was insensitive to.

I now understand how much I took my wife’s decision to embrace raising a Jewish family for granted. When I went back and read the blessing today, the following passage really struck me. “You come to services, even when it feels strange and confusing at first. You hum along to those Hebrew songs, and some of you even learn to read that difficult language.”

As I have written before, I am uncomfortable when people use Hebrew phrases that I don’t know. How much more difficult it must be for people who did not grow up Jewish. I’ll be honest, I didn’t really put it together, I did not put myself in her shoes.

Rabbi Marder’s blessing from 16 years ago also reminds me how Mussar can help strengthen relationships, by helping us recognize and cherish the differences in the other. To be clear, I think it is particularly important to cherish the differences, because despite those differences, our partner chooses to be with us.

Mussar, particularly American Mussar, offers an opportunity offers intermarried couples an opportunity to share Jewish values in everyday life without needing to know Hebrew or traditional ritual practice. Being a good person is the essence of being Jewish, and Mussar offers a roadmap to bring our everyday actions into alignment with our aspirational values. Here are three soul traits that can help us cherish our non-Jewish partner.

Honor Rabbi Marder was demonstrating the Soul Trait of Honor, in that she was going out of her way to Honor the Divine spark in others, when they are different from us. We can practice Honor by asking our partner how they are doing, and if they are uncomfortable or struggling with any part of the Rosh Hashanah experience. Work to make them feel more comfortable.

Gratitude – I did not sufficiently appreciate my wife for agreeing to raise a Jewish family. Take my advice, say thank you, and go out of your way to show your Gratitude by being sensitive and inclusive. The person you are with wants to be included, and understandably may be struggling. As Rabbi Marder said, “We know that some of you have paid a significant price for the generous decision you made to raise Jewish children. You have made a painful sacrifice, giving up the joy of sharing your own spiritual beliefs and passing your own religious traditions down to your kids. I hope your children and your spouse tell you often how wonderful you are, and that their love and gratitude, and our love and gratitude, will be some compensation, and will bring you joy.”

Order – Don’t just assume that your non-Jewish partner has to do all the child care or food preparation. When the kids were little, I often left it to my wife to take them out so I didn’t have to miss any of the service. Offer them an opportunity to participate in services and take your turn bringing the kids outside if they start to act up. And do some planning, to find an activity that the whole family can do together. For example, after services, plan to get together with a large group of friends.

Moses said, “I place before you today a blessing and a curse.” (Deuteronomy 11:26). This is a choice we all have every day. The reality is that you have someone in your life who care about you, but is really different. It might be an intermarriage, but there are other ways to be different. You might both be Jewish, but one of you is apathetic or unenthusiastic. Or you may share the same religion, but one of you is a vegan, or god forbid, a someone who supports the other political party.

You can choose to ignore the differences, and allow them to be a source of conflict or pain. Or, you can choose to make them a blessing, and go out of your way to connect despite your differences.

On Rosh Hashanah, we are given an opportunity to really look at those relationships, to make amends for our mistakes, and decide to do better in the future.

Want to start your own Mussar journey? Click here to take the free Soul Trait Profile Quiz now

Image Credit: Rosh Hashanah by Lilach Daniel via Flickr CC

Do You See Esther As A Jewish Woman Of Color?

March 19, 2019 By Greg Marcus 11 Comments

As I was revising last Purim’s blog post Esther’s Mussar Humility Lesson, I had a shocking realization. Esther is a Jewish Woman of Color.

Could that be true? I asked myself. I’ve always thought of her as white.

She must have been. The story takes place in Persia, and Persian people have darker skin.

In the painting to the left, notice how Esther has white skin and the servants have dark skin. I absorbed a cultural transformation: We’ve turned a Person of Color into a white person.

I did some research online, and found this wonderful story that describes what happened when a young boy heard a description of Queen Esther as someone with beautiful brown skin and hair in braids. He started jumping up and down, saying “Like me! I have brown skin too.” This young Jewish boy with a white mother and a dark skinned father saw himself in the Jewish narrative for the first time.

And I got an inkling of how it must feel to be a Jewish Woman of Color. I’ve read articles about Jews of Color feeling like they don’t fit in because in the synagogue people automatically think they are a guest or worse. Or they are ignored and not seen.

I admit, I felt a little sick to my stomach. It was confusing as my body coped with the discord of wanting to be inclusive, and my unconscious “elevation” of one of our greatest heroes to whiteness. I did not see Queen Esther for who she was.

In the words of Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe, The ultimate value you can give a person is to treat a person seriously, to take notice of that person. When you treat a person lightly and you don’t acknowledge them, you sit at a table and talk to all your friends, ignoring the one person who sits by themselves you are stripping this person of their value in effect giving them a curse. – Alei Shor Chapter 8

This offers us an opportunity for a Purim Mussar Practice.

*Here’s The Mussar Practice*************

Name Queen Esther as a Jewish Woman of Color, especially if no people of color are around.
Whether or not you are Jewish, you are invited to participate in this practice. Please join me in this practice of Honor, going out of our way to make our siblings of color feel seen today.

I hope you’ll give this practice a try. When you do, be on the lookout for how it feels inside. Will you havec a strong somatic reaction like me, or something else?

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As it says in the Book of Esther, this is a time when we remember a day when great sorrow turned to joy.

This practice offers us opportunity to take people in our community seriously. It can turn their sorrow of being invisible to the joy of being seen.

When we do so, we add another inch on the road to the World to Come.

What do you think? Comment below and let me know.

Jewish Wisdom Says Find The Good In Anyone. But What About Monsters and Creeps?

January 17, 2019 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

The root cause of many issues in my life goes back to how I relate to others. It show up for me in judging others, respect issues, craving recognition, and just good old fashioned not thinking about the impact of my words and actions on others. In Mussar terms, this means that an Honor imbalance is at the core of my spiritual curriculum.

Before I go on, a side note about Mussar practice. I have been doing this for seven years, and part of the practice is self knowledge without feeling shame. I don’t write the litany above to beat myself up – rather it is a recognition of a reality of tendencies in me. If left unchecked, they would have gotten worse instead of better. More on that later.

So it is interesting, and not a coincidence, that three of my Mussar groups have independently converged on practicing Honor.

In the Mussar For Men men’s group, we discussed the assumption that we all have a Divine Spark occluded by our baggage. If you are unsure of the Divinity, think of it as the core of goodness in everyone, the common spark of humanity that we are all born with, and can never be taken away. The baggage are those hurts and societal influences that make it hard to see our own spark, and the spark of others.

Someone objected, asking “What about horrible people?” Later, the idea of “finding the good in anyone” came up. Here, the objections became even stronger. Someone said, “I need to find the good in a monster who harms children?” And many found it challenging to Honor parents who have been very hurtful in the past or in the present.

If you can’t find the good in someone because they are a horrible person, don’t beat yourself up. The Path of The Just, by Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto outlines a path towards becoming a saintly person, a mensch among mensches. Finding the good in a child molester, or in someone who has harmed us terribly, may be beyond where we are today.

However, before you jump on this as a means to cop out of looking for the good in a “horrible” person you know, ask yourself why you think they are a horrible person. Is this person horrible because they have hurt children, or because they voted for or against the current President? Did they order genocide, or repeatedly torpedo your ideas at work?

It is critical to focus on a person’s behavior, and not to label them broad brush as a bad person. Most people have some good that we can find. When we do, it changes us. You’ll find your entire energy shifts, towards a calm that lets you choose an appropriate and measured response.

To help you find the good in anyone, I suggest the following Mussar Practice.

*Here’s The Mussar Practice**

Praise three people a day. The praise should be heartfelt, and not empty flattery. I learned this practice the first time I was working on Honor, as part of the Everyday Holiness class from the Mussar Institute. As I’ll explain below, it was anything but easy for me.

In fact, I could not do it. I could praise my pets, I could praise people for their clothes, I could thank people, but I could not give praise in any other way. This was true for both strangers, and people in my own home.

It was the first time I came face to face with my spiritual curriculum. I realized that what I though was a Humility issue was actually an Honor issue for me. I felt bad, although more than anything, I felt shock that I just couldn’t do it. If I hadn’t tried it, I would not have known I needed work in this area.

Don’t worry too much about the people at the extremes. Start with people near you, and move towards more difficult people until you find where your limits are today.

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If you find it hard to look for the good in a monster, or a parent who has harmed you, that is ok. You may not be ready to go there.

The more important question is where you are today. Seven years ago, I could not Honor regular people by giving heartfelt and deserved praise.

In one of my groups, I shared the story above, and someone suggested I try the practice again. I quaked with terror at the thought, but I never say no to a suggested Mussar practice that fits with the soul trait I’m working on. Especially one that scares or repels me.

Good news: I have tried the practice again this week, and I am better at it!
Yes, we can get better. When you start to walk the path, you’ll be surprised at how far you can go.

I really hope you’ll try this Mussar practice to find the good in anyone . Taking action is the key to changing the heart.

When it comes to Honoring others, what is your biggest challenge?

You can read some excerpts about Honor for free from my book The Spiritual Practice Of Good Actions here.

Image credit: Photo of the original painting by Pablo Picasso: `Girl before a mirror`Zoltan Tarlacz | Dreamstime.com

Celebrate Jewish Thanksgiving Like A Mensch

November 21, 2018 By Greg Marcus 1 Comment

In a few hours my daughter will be home from college for Thanksgiving. As you read this, you may be at home, on the road, or tucking in a bit of work before you get ready to tuck in some Turkey. If you live in the United States, chances are that you’ll be celebrating Thanksgiving in some way or another. It is a truly secular holiday, such that even most Orthodox Jewish Rabbis say that it is ok to celebrate Jewish Thanksgiving.

Our Jewish Thanksgiving I hope will be relatively drama free, with happy reunions, and time with friends. For some of you, it may come in a time of loss, or bring you together with a relative that you don’t get along with. One of my students told me he was dreading going home, fearing hurtful comments by his father about his weight.

Whatever your external circumstances, a Jewish Thanksgiving offers an opportunity for personal growth. You can show up in a way informed and inspired by Mussar practice. When we show up to a Jewish Thanksgiving, we have options.

Just show up. Community is an inherently Jewish practice. Just being there with others on Thanksgiving is a blessing. As noted above, we don’t naturally connect with everyone, and it is a practice of Honor just to show up and be with other people.
Greet Others with Peace. The traditional Jewish greeting shalom aleichem means peace unto you. And the traditional response is aleichem shalom, unto you peace. Today in America, few of us greet other Jews with a “shalom” and if we do we probably think of it as a hello. However, Thanksgiving offers a wonderful opportunity to offer peace to others we will see, especially if they are normally people we fight with or are hurt by.
Up your gratitude. Some people have a Thanksgiving tradition to go around the table and each person says something they are grateful for. Whether this is part of your tradition or not, really focus on the things you are grateful for in this world. You may even want to take the 15 Minutes of Gratitude Challenge.

All of this leads to a Mussar Practice to help you travel the path of the Mensch.

Here’s the Mussar Practice*******

Nonverbally communicate love, acceptance and gratitude. As you encounter people, focus on sending them the nonverbals, especially if they are people you often argue with.

If grandpa has become grumpy, go into the encounter with a loving vision of your best grandpa. If your parent says things that hurt your feelings every year, arm yourself with loving and connecting memories. As you communicate them non-verbally, you’ll see a change in the other person. Be persistent, even if at first they don’t respond. You’ll be showing up differently. Remember, it is impossible for one person to argue.

And if they go on a rant, tune it out and focus on the non-verbal heart space acceptance of who they are. The connection you have to them that is deeper than politics. As it says in the Torah “Distance yourself from a false matter” (Exodus 23:7). Let them have their truth for this day. You can keep emotional distance.

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I am so grateful to Brandon Beachum for this Honor practice. I was interviewed by Brandon for his Positive Head Podcast, which will air on December 5th or 12th. As part of our conversation, he shared this practice, which he learned from a former guest. It reminds me of the mantra I wrote for Honor: Find the good in anyone.

Sending nonverbal love, acceptance and gratitude takes “finding the good in anyone” to the next level. Whether you think of this as your Divine Spark connecting to another holy soul, or simply as a recognition that nonverbal communication is real and powerful, this practice can be life changing for you and others.

Each and every one of us has what it takes to be a mensch, all we need is some help. If you’d like to try this practice, but are feeling scared or blocked or cynical, drop me an email and I’ll help you through it.

Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash

***********Here’s The Mussar Practice***********************

******************************************************************* As it says in the Book of Esther, this is a time when we remember a day when great sorrow turned to joy.