American Mussar

21st century Jewish spiritual practice for an authentic and meaningful life

How To Cut Your Hair Like a Mensch In a Pandemic

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Cut Your Hair Like a Mensch
This is the haircut I need today, not the one I had pre-covid.

Would you have gone back to Egypt on the shore of the Red Sea? On a recent Judaism Unbound podcast, Rabbi Amichai Lau-Lavie shared that some Israelites did indeed people wanted to go back to Egypt, to the way things used to be.  Others wanted to move forward into a scary unknown, and jumped in the water to cross the sea. He suggested that we are in a similar place now., in a moment of uncertainty. Do we want things to go back to the way things were, or will we exit this crisis looking to make a better world?

My perspective is that things will never go back to the way they were, even in the best of circumstances. Many flaws of the old way are being exposed by this crisis – the lack of healthcare and wages for many, and structural inequalities to name a few. It is my hope and desire to build a better world.

This became apparent to me in a small but real way over the weekend, when I unpacked my hair clipper. For 20 years I’ve gotten the same haircut – a number two clipper on the sides, and cut short to blend it in on the top. (Number two means 1/4 inch in length.) At first, I thought that I could replicate this on my own, by using a combination of a 2 and 3 clipper. But the clipper didn’t have a #2, only a #3 at 3/8 of an inch. And it had some fancy attachments to give a fade on the sides.

Thinking back on what Rabbi Amichai said, I realized that this was not the time to try to go back to a haircut I could not possibly achieve on my own. I realized that what I needed was to make my hair neat and presentable. So, I just cut it with the longest length, and it looks just fine. That is my haircut for the present. In the future, who know’s what I’ll decide to do? So to “cut your hair like a mensch” is to figure out what it is you need, and then to do it.

What is it that you really need right now?

This act of looking at what you need is critical when we then look to the needs of others. This weeks American Mussar Community Gathering will focus on the soul trait of  Honor. 

Balance Survival with Lovingkindness and Mussar

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balance survival with lovingkindness
Wholeness brings together animal instincts with human compassion

Right now many of us are angry and grieving and afraid, doing what we can to get by and are completely done with being at home.

And many of us, by choice or by necessity, are out there in the world risking infection to keep the rest of us fed and safe. Many, from medical professionals to grocery workers to my friend who works in the post office, do not have sufficient protective gear or sick leave. 

How do we balance our need for safety with the need to care for others?

The first mission is survival. It is a thought that has gone through my head many times over the years. I imagined saying it to my children as we lived in financial comfort. I wanted them to be prepared for a day when the world could change dramatically, to remember to take care of themselves first. 

Here we are today in a world dramatically different, and that part of my brain is saying “See, I told you so.” And while it is correct, in that we need to take steps to stay safe, this view of the world is incomplete. We cannot, for example, resort to hoarding in the name of survival, because…

We also need to “bear the burden of the other,” which according to Rabbi Ira Stone is the primary mission of Mussar. This point of view is equally true, especially now. We need each other to get through this thing. One of the most important soul traits to help support others is Lovingkindness. Pirkei Avot (1:2) teaches us that the world is built on acts of Lovingkindness. (Which inspired Menachem Creditor to write this amazing song). These are acts that go above and beyond to support others, without expecting anything in return. 

This brings to mind a Mussar practice to balance Survival with  Lovingkindness, because right now we need to do both, survive and support others without expecting anything in return. Each day, try to do one thing mindfully to support your own wellbeing, and one thing to support others.

For yourself, you could
  • take a bath
  • watch your favorite tv show
  • meditate
  • read for pleasure, spiritual inspiration or personal growth
  • ask for help
For others, you could:
  • take the first step to reconcile
  • Call someone who is isolated or sick
  • Make a charitable donation
  • Buy something extra from a local business
  • offer to help

During this time, many things that we normally do are extra hard. For example, it might take an extra effort to be polite or clean up after yourself. So right now, doing these extra hard things anyway can be considered an act of Lovingkindness because they support others, help create a better world, and are more than the minimum you could be doing.

What are you doing for self care, and to care for others?

This weeks Mussar community gathering will be focusing on Loving-kindness, chapter 9 in The Spiritual Practice of Good Actions. No preparation is necessary – just come! Details and video here.

Photo by Jonas Vincent on Unsplash

Trust in God But Tie Your Camel During the Pandemic

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Trust in God But Tie Your Camel
Trust in God but Tie Your Camel

Do you find yourself worrying because of the pandemic? Maybe you are worrying about your health, the health of others, politics, the shape of society in the future… There are a host of things to worry about if we let ourselves. The spiritual challenge is to stay present, not to give in to worry, and to make good decisions.

As it says in the Talmud, Rabbi Eliezer the Elder said, “He who has a loaf of bread in his basket but says, ‘What will I eat tomorrow?’ is lacking in faith.” [Sotah 48b] The passage goes on to say that one should Trust in the Divine that one will have food tomorrow. As one fortunate enough to have enough to eat, this is an important reminder about what is really important, and offers an important tactic to meet the spiritual challenge of these times. This lesson holds even if you are unsure of the Divinity.

In this week’s community gathering, we’ll return to a theme of Trust, following up on our discussion in the first post about the pandemic.

The mantra for trust is “Trust in God but tie your camel.” There is a lot of camel tying to be done these days, but we must not lose sight of Trust, for Trust is a cure for worry and fear.

As Rabbi Israel Salenter reminded us during a cholera epidemic:

At a time like this, our duty is clear: we must not fear [the cholera epidemic]- for what value is the life of a man [in this world] when we consider the overwhelming potential for spiritual failure? Who knows if a person will succeed in his path? Of course, this does not mean that we should fatalistically resign ourselves to dying and do nothing to protect ourselves. Rather, we must follow the regimen that the learned physicians have prescribed, to insure that we maintain our health. It is a Torah directive for us to proceed according to the light of their words, for our duty is to establish life in this world- for the benefit of ourselves, as well as others. – Ohr Yisrael – 23.

Mussar is a spiritual practice – something we do on a regular basis so that in times of crisis it is there for us. If you’ve read even one of my emails, you have taken a step towards this practice. The time of crisis is here, and we cannot allow ourselves to fail spiritually.
What would spiritual failure look like? Despair, selfishness, greed, denial, anger… Ok, I’ve dabbled in all of those, and sometimes I’ve even acted according to my worst nature. But Mussar has helped bring me back time and again. While Rabbi Salanter could get a bit fire and brimstone, we can be much more gentle with ourselves. Mussar is not about perfection. It is about process. 
The Weekly Mussar Community Gathering is open to anyone looking for a calming experience, a chance to connect to others 1:1, and to gain insights to cope with the current pandemic. No experience necessary. Just come and give it a try.
Photo by Scott Serhat Duygun on Unsplash

Practice Enthusiasm To Escape Your Personal Egypt

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Red on the doorpost in remembrance of the first Passover in Egypt

“This Passover is like the very first Passover. Where was it?” asked Ahoova, my Hebrew teacher.

“It was in Egypt! Everyone was in their own home, with just their families, afraid, while the angel of death was outside.”

Wow, this Passover is a lot like the first one. I was inspired to put some red paper below our Mezusah, as a symbol of our isolation, staying inside to avoid death.

While for many, Passover has been a time to get together with family, and along the way we have a seder to remember that once we were slaves in the land of Egypt. And if we are paying attention, maybe later we remember the disadvantaged, because we were once slaves in the land of Egypt.

The Hebrew word for Egypt is Mitzrayim, which means narrow place. The Zohar (the book of Kabbalah) made this connection because the Divine liberated us from a place of constriction, where as slaves we had little control of our movement. Like today. We are constricted in our movement.

Rabbi Nachman of Bratzlov (1772-1822) said, “The Exodus from Egypt occurs in every human being, in every era, in every year, and in every day.” Rabbi Nachman was talking about liberation from constraints we place upon ourselves. Those ideas, baggage, habits that keep us from being fully human, and seeing the humanity in everyone else.

Yes, I wrote “everyone.” That includes the invisible people who have been working in grocery stores keeping us alive, as well as those who hold political beliefs we find repugnant. Until we can put humanity first and foremost, the spiritual sickness that contributed to this calamity will not be cured.

Mussar makes this Passover special because it gives us tools to look inside, and practices to help escape from our own Egypt. This week, focuse on the soul trait of Alacrity/Enthusiasm. During this time of physical isolation, Alacrity can help us get going and face what we need to face, and then GET THE HECK OUT OF OUR OWN PERSONAL EGYPT.

As a mantra, here are a few good ones to consider

If now now, when? – Pirkei Avot 1:14

Be bold as a leopard, light as an eagle, swift as a deer, and strong as a lion – Pirkei Avot 5:23

What is one small action you can take to liberate yourself? For me, I’m going to reach out to someone special to me who is a bit distant from me, to focus on repair.

Mussar makes this Passover special because it gives us tools to change who we are, so we emerge from physical distancing a better version of ourselves. Who do you aspire to be?

The themes of this post were covered in the April 9th Mussar Community Gathering.

If you are not sure what is holding you back, I suggest taking the Soul Trait Quiz again to inspire you.

Some Mussar Responses to the Coronavirus Pandemic

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Mussar Responses to the Coronavirus Pandemic
Hoarding is the worst form of miserliness

All week I have been trying to write about the virus. There have been stops and starts, with complicated arguments with lots of links, fueled by my own anger and confusion and fear. So this time I’ll try to keep it simple and write from the heart.

Here in the SF Bay Area, every day has brought new cancelations, closures, and warnings. As of Monday, all four of us will will be in the house, working remotely. I need to increase our internet bandwidth, and hope we can find a way to make it work in our small house.

What guidance can we take from Mussar to both retain our humanity, and show up as our best selves in this time of trial? Here are a few soul traits to focus on.

1. Trust, as in trust in the Divine. This might seem like a strange place to start, especially if you are unsure of the Divinity. My mussar group met by Zoom this week, just finishing two weeks on Trust. It was amazing that everyone said it was always on their mind, and helped them be thoughtful about what to do and what not to do. There were both canceled trips, and vacations that went forward. By focusing on Trust, people gave a lot of consideration about what they should do.

In addition, remember the Trust mantra: Trust in God but tie your camel. Our government institutions have let us down by not planning an appropriate response, so we need to do more of the camel tying on our own. Important things to do include:

  • washing your hands
  • staying home if you are sick
  • staying home if you are over 60 or at risk medically
  • staying home if you are in a region with a growing number of cases.

You might have noticed a certain theme in these suggestions: Staying home.

2. Humility. Many of us walk through life with the illusion that we are in control. But we as individuals and are powerless against this epidemic. Humility is about recognizing one’s place in the universe, and taking appropriate actions. As the facilitator of the Mussar group, it was my decision to not meet in person. You need to make informed decisions, about yourself and the groups you may lead.

You might think that it won’t happen to you, or that you are healthy and are likely to survive even if you get it. But what about the people you give it to? Many people are walking around symptom free, which is why staying home is so important. Our contribution makes a difference, to make it less likely that we’ll get sick, AND less likely that we’ll pass it on. Only by working together can we get through this in the best way possible. If we all stay home, for sure the spread of the virus will slow dramatically. If too many people get sick at once, the hospitals get overwhelmed and more people die.

3. Generosity. Are the grocery shelves in your area empty? They are here, and I just discovered that we actually are almost out of toilet paper. Stocking up to minimize leaving home is sensible, but some people are taking it way too far. Buying up more than you need is the worst form of miserliness.

People in service jobs need our Generosity. They are being hurt by people staying home. If you cancel something, pay for it anyway. For example, I didn’t go to my gym, but I paid the trainer anyway. He doesn’t make a lot of money, and I’m sure he will be struggling as people cancel training sessions with him.

The way we will get through this is by pulling together, and helping those in need. Remember Judaism teaches that everyone is required to give Tzedakah (charity) even if they receive Tzedakah themselves. Even if you are financially impacted by the various shut downs, remember that some people are worse off. Find a way to give to others, of time, money, or attention.

It doesn’t feel like a coincidence that I’m reading the books of the Prophets for class this week. They follow a general structure, that includes warnings of impending destruction, followed by a message of hope. After the calamity there will be a rebuilding, and a time of renewal.

Make no mistake, we are facing a time of calamity. Even if the virus is contained, and we don’t see millions getting sick, the economic and social impact will be huge. This is not a punishment; it is a consequence of living in a dangerous world. We will get through this, and afterwards we will rebuild. What kind of world do we want to have?

I invite you to make the most of this opportunity. One of my students said, “I realized that I am not living my life the right way. I need to start doing things differently. I am going to really start to look within.”

I’ve shared with you some Mussar responses to the coronavirus pandemic. I am very much redoubling my efforts to look within, and clean house while I’m inhabiting it.

I hope you’ll join me.

This post inspired a weekly American Mussar Community Gathering on Zoom. You can learn more here.