Greg Marcus - American Mussar

What Not To Say To Someone In Mourning

February 4, 2016 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

It has been a rough week. A good friend of mine who also happens to be one of my Mussar students passed away over the weekend. She was about 50 and has two teens at home. It was sudden and unexpected, and her husband, kids, mother, and the rest of us are quite devastated.

Her husband and I are friends; we’ve talked a few times. It is so hard to know what to say to someone who has just lost so much. “How are you?” doesn’t seem like a helpful question. Legacy Connect offers many short articles that cover how to handle a variety of situations. (Read them here.)

Caring for the dead and comforting the bereaved are two important acts of Loving Kindness. While caring for the dead is something we generally leave to professionals these days, comforting the bereaved is something we can all do. When I was putting the finishing touches on The Spiritual Practice of Good Actions, I came across an article by writer Anita Diamant, who shared her struggle to comfort a friend who lost a baby.[1] Here is what I wrote

“Diamant described being “in mourning” as a parallel universe where being in the shadow of death is not a metaphor. Her friend told her that every gesture of support, even if it was a phone call or email to say “I’m sorry” counted for a lot because it gave her a connection to the living world. Diamant described her struggle not to try to cheer her friend up as she held her hand while she cried. While I have not been in those exact shoes, I know what it feels like to want to cheer someone else up. In part, it is because we want to feel better. It is really heavy to be there with someone who is in such terrible pain. Diamant’s act of selfless Loving-Kindness leaves me in a kind of helpless awe.”

I thought of Diamant’s words often this week, as I just tried to be there. This week I was in Diamant’s shoes, and as I was with the grieving husband. I just listened. Other times, I also needed support, and was grateful that I had people listening to me as I shared my grief I’m thankful that I have so many friends willing to be there with me, to listen without judgement and without giving advice.

Mussar teaches that there is no escape from the ups and downs of life. We do not have the luxury of retreating and hoping it all goes away. We show up, and do the best we can. It’s nice to have some teachings and guidance along the way. At the end of the day, we all need each other. With the right people at your back, we can live each day like it might be our last, not in frantic haste, but in mindful presence, getting the most out of every moment.

If you are thinking of joining us on our Mussar journey, a good place to start is with the Soul Trait Profile Quiz. Click here to take it now.

[1] Anita Diamant, Pitching My Tent, (New York: Scribner, 2005), 104-106.

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Cam Newton’s Humility Is His Greatest Strength

February 2, 2016 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

I keep hearing that Cam Newton is polarizing. Really? I’ve tried to dig around and see what all the fuss is over. All I can come up with is some theft in college, and dancing after scoring touchdowns. Yes, people are upset because he dances too much on the field. Maybe that and he is a black quarterback at the top of his game. (Read more here). It is clear to me that Cam Newton’s Humility is his greatest strength.

Cam Newton is certainly on top of his game. Soon he will be named league MVP, and his one loss team is a favorite to win the Superbowl. Here are three Soul Traits that contribute to Newton’s success.

Cam Newton’s Humility Is His Greatest Strength

It may surprise you that I bring up Humility in the context of someone who is criticized for excess celebrations. Isn’t Humility about being Humble and self-effacing? Isn’t Newton a bit cocky? In Mussar, Humility is about finding balance between meekness and arrogance.

In his book Everyday Holiness, Alan Morinis offers the following Humility mantra “No more than my place, no less than my space.” What is the proper space for a quarterback to have? This is a leadership position, and Newton’s exuberance is catching, and brings his teammates to higher energy. It takes courage and nerve to let it all hang out the way Newton does. It would be judgmental to call Newton arrogant – he talks about his teammates and not his own greatness. The Torah teaches that Moses was the most humble of men. He accomplished great things, and stood up to authority, but it was never about him. You want a quarterback who can step up, and isn’t afraid to lead. And in that sense, Cam Newton’s Humility is his greatest strength.

Order is essential for a successful quarterback

The great quarterbacks prepare. They study tape of both opposing teams and their own performance. They learn the playbook to become mentally prepared. Newton’s success is a testament to his Order balance. Note that he can’t be too Ordered. Once the foot

ball play ensues, chaos erupts. He needs to be able to adjust and improvise on the fly. Preparation helps, but sometimes you just need to abandon the plan and make the best of what is offered to you.

Enthusiasm governs mindful action

Football is a fast and violent game. In addition to his mental preparation, Cam Newton rigorously prepares his body. He explained “if you have 10 reps to do, do 10 good quality reps. Don’t just do enough to say you did it.” He takes the same approach whether it is the regular season or the offseason. It is easy for any of us to just phone it in when we don’t think anyone is looking. The best in the world, however, focus and give effort every time.

Extreme Spiritual Fitness

One of my students calls Mussar “extreme spiritual fitness” because we exercise only one soul trait at a time. Cam Newton takes a similar approach to his physical fitness, working on one limb at a time. He says this is important because a quarterback has to “take many different roles if asked to.” Isn’t that like life too? We are asked to take on different roles at different times, often with no notice. By strengthening our soul traits individually, we are best positioned to take on our next spiritual challenge.

And remember: Every challenge is a spiritual challenge.

Do you agree that Cam Newton’s Humility is his greatest strength?

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HELP International Uganda and the Soul Trait of Patience

January 28, 2016 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

We are pleased to announce that HELP International Uganda, which works to end poverty and hunger in the Ugandan refugee village of Masese, has been given the American Mussar Point of Light Award or their work exemplifying the Soul Trait of Patience.

Recognizing both that problems cannot be solved overnight, and that inaction is never a solution, HELP International Uganda’s work provides immediate assistance and is building paths towards long-term self-sufficiency and success. The people they serve show patience through their hunger and their times of need while gaining knowledge and skills that are helping to build a true and sustainable economy in a village that was thrown together haphazardly from those fleeing the violence of regional wars.

Patience is the Soul Trait that helps us determine when to act, and when we must bear through a bad situation—and the two often occur simultaneously. Too little patience has us charging ahead in ways that can cause further harm, or failing to see the potential of today because we’re looking towards bigger rewards, achievements, or solutions beyond the horizon. Too much patience, and we would never take the steps necessary to make our world better.

HELP International Uganda works carefully to ensure that the aid it provides doesn’t ignore today’s demands, but is always looking towards a future of growth and a strengthened community, as well. This is how it shows us all the true nature of the Soul Trait of Patience, and why American Mussar is proud to donate to their efforts. If you would like to donate too, you can do so here.

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Bay Area Anti-Trafficking Coalition & The Soul Trait of Silence

January 25, 2016 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

Judaism teaches that we ought to remain silent unless our words will bring some good into the world—and when we can add to good or subtract from evil by speaking out, we are required to do so. This is the proper balance for the Soul Trait of Silence, allowing us room to hear others when we cannot contribute ourselves, and making sure our voices are raised when those voices can achieve something worthwhile.

Human trafficking is one of the most evil and damaging problems the world is currently facing, and the Bay Area Anti-Trafficking Coalition is raising its voice to help raise awareness of the problem. The trafficking of human lives is only allowed to continue because too many remain silent when they hear about it; despite being widespread even here in the United States, few recognize the extent of this modern-day slave trade.

By bringing together individuals, communities, and nonprofit as well as government organizations, the Bay Area Anti-Trafficking Coalition facilitates the sharing of information and lends a stronger voice to the anti-trafficking movement. It also ensures that spaces are created where other issues can stay in Silence so the focus can remain on the pressing problem of modern human slavery.

Silence requires balance. It is important to listen, and important be heard when there are important things to say. The Bay Area Anti-Trafficking Coalition lives this balance through its actions and its voice, and we are happy to salute them and their cause with a Point of Light Award. To learn more and become involved, please visit them here.

#iAMSilence

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How a Hurricane and Inferno Helped Me Overcome Work Stress

January 22, 2016 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

It has been a good week for my book. I saw the first draft of the cover and I love it! And, as the blurbs from various Rabbis, Mussar teachers, and secular leaders roll in, they love it! Wow, I may be onto something here.

I’ll be honest – I’m one of those people who have a hard time hearing praise. At the same time, I am super excited. I have that blood in the water feeling I used to get in college. When I got a good grade, I would stay up all night studying to ace the next one too. I’m too old for that. I don’t want my work thoughts waking me up, and continuing to work all the time will degrade the quality of my life and creativity. The Soul Trait of Order has helped me overcome work stress.

On one level, Order has helped me be organized. I’ve been diligent about my lists and organization. But that has only given me more successes, which add fuel to the drive to keep pushing for more. As a recovering workaholic, I recognize the danger signs.

I found solace in what initially seemed like a very esoteric reading that was assigned in a class I am taking through the Mussar Institute. We read a teaching about Order by Rabbi Aharon Kotler (18911-1962), which was translated for the class by Rabbi Avi Fertig. The reading explains that a mere hair separates an Angel of pure fire, from an Angel of pure water. They are so close, “yet, they do not interfere with one another.”* Rabbi Kotler teaches that it is the Fear of the Divine that holds them apart. I did not find it helpful to think of the Angels as beings with agency, but when I thought of a Divine force field keeping them apart, a light bulb went off. If you are unsure of the Divinity, think of the boundary as a super powerful force field. As I’ll explain in a moment, we have the power to create boundaries with our mind.

Lost? I admit I was at first. Thanks to some work with my study partner, I’ve figured out something very relevant to my current situation. Stepping back, the text is describing two forces of nature that are brought in close proximity, but held apart by a boundary. If the boundary disappeared, they would destroy each other. As my wife pointed out, the boundary lets each fully be itself.

Here I sit, struggling to keep the excitement over my work from spilling into an equally vital home life. I need a boundary. I need Order to keep them apart. With a strong boundary, each part of my life can become more powerful, more focused.

Last night as I was tossing and turning, I meditated on my Divine spark, and asked for help keeping my work excitement in check. I visualized the raging inferno next to a swirling hurricane. Yet an invisible barrier, impenetrable and of infinite strength, held them apart. Please help me contain the work thoughts, and let me sleep.

I slept without waking till an hour before my alarm. Compared to the last few nights, I’ll take it. I am Grateful that Mussar helped me take another small step.

#iAMOrder

Image credits: Inferno by Mário Tomé & Hurricane Jeanne by kakela; both via Flickr CC

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