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Procrastination Is Stingy: A Generosity Mussar Practice

April 27, 2018 By Greg Marcus 1 Comment

Procrastination is Stingy? How does procrastination lead us to a Generosity Mussar Practice?

Yes, procrastination is stingy. I’ll tell you why in a moment, but first a story.

Yesterday I sent an email to over 100 people who donated to a crowdfunding campaign I ran two years ago to raise money to create a Mussar app. After almost a year of delays and excuses, the company I hired went out of business, taking with it everyone’s money and leaving behind only some design documents. Shame and sorrow kept me from telling everyone for months. I felt like I screwed up by hiring the wrong company, so I procrastinated about sending an update to the funders. Now that I have, it feels like a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders. How does this relate to a generosity Mussar practice?

I am in month three of a year working on my shadow soul traits as part of a Chaborah class from The Mussar Insititute. In our first meeting on Stinginess, we discussed the expectation on a person who receives a request for help.

My mind flashed back to the evening before. I has asked someone for help, and we were scheduled to meet to discuss the issue. Then for the second time, they sent me an email postponing the meeting for two weeks. I was furious. Having already spent a month working on Anger, I had a few tools to work with. I realized that I was mad because I was feeling devalued. But I knew this person is a good friend who highly values me – it was just a matter of it not being a priority for them, and being a priority for me.

When I get mad, I’ve learned to ask for help before responding, and then to focus on asking for what I need. Therefore, I sent them an email back, explaining that I had a project waiting on the answer, and I needed a yes or no. I asked to meet sooner than two weeks, and low and behold they went ahead and met with me. Now we are getting to the Generosity Mussar Practice.

With this incident fresh in my mind, our Mussar group started to wrestle with the question of what is expected from someone who receives a request for help. I then thought of all the times when someone asked me to do something I didn’t want to do. I didn’t want to say no and I certainly didn’t want to say yes. So more often than not, I procrastinated, and didn’t give a response. Or I would give a tepid response, and in effect stringing the other person along. I started to wonder if the people I was not responding to felt the way I had the night before, when my request was not being answered.

Now one might say, “But the reason I am not giving an answer is that I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. Or because I am afraid that they won’t like me if I say no, or I’ll be a bad person if I say no. Doesn’t that make it ok?” The answer is no, none of those rationalizations make it ok. Such people pleasing arises from a spiritual imbalance in multiple soul traits. Humility imbalance leads to a feeling of not being enough; Honor imbalance underestimates the other’s ability to find an alternate source of help, and the overall anxiety and uncertainty indicated a lack of Trust.

The Mussar lesson taught that a closed hand in stinginess is a symptom of a closed heart. One who is stingy keeps too much to themselves, and does’t share with others. When I procrastinate, and don’t answer others who are making a request of me, I am being stingy with my answer, and my heart is closed to the impact of the delay on the other person.

Thus comes the answer to the question: When someone comes to me and makes a request, I am obliged to give an answer promptly.

**Here’s the Generosity Mussar Practice*

Give prompt answers. Yes or no is all that is required of you. Don’t hold on to your answer. When someone honors you with a request for help, pay them promptly with a respectful response.”

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As it says in the Torah “The wages of a laborer shall not remain with you until morning.” (Leviticus 19:13). While this commandment is generally thought to apply to paying laborers promptly, it has a similar flavor to giving a prompt response to a request. Just as one might withhold payment out of stinginess, withholding of a “yes or no” is also a form of stinginess. If this reference doesn’t resonate for you, perhaps “Love your fellow as yourself” (Leviticus 19:18) will.

After all, no one likes to be left in limbo.

Does this generosity Mussar practice resonate with you? Please leave a comment below.

Want to know what parts of your soul lead you to procrastination or stinginess? Take the Soul Trait Quiz now?

Want to learn more about Mussar? Click here.

Three Mussar Traits To Help You Prevent Another Larry Nassar

January 31, 2018 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

Simone Biles, is a survivor of abuse by Larry Nassar.

The case of Larry Nassar is painful and horrible on many levels. Nassar will spend the rest of his life in jail for sexually abusing over 150 girls. And those girls will spend the rest of their lives dealing with the trauma that was inflicted on them. It is my hope that by writing this article, other people who suffered abuse can find the courage to talk about what happened to them, because talking about what happened is a key step towards healing. Here is an article on general healing, and a second article that focuses on healing in sexual contexts. Both articles carry an important message – survivors of sexual trauma can heal. It isn’t their fault, and there are many professionals available to help.

I am particularly angry and upset about the actions by Michigan State University officials who covered up Nassar’s abuse. (See this article in The Atlantic for the full details.) Clearly, they did not learn the lessons from the Penn State sexual abuse scandal, in which an assistant football coach was raping young boys on campus. As people who practice Mussar, we work to stay connected to our ethical traditions, and try to become alert to rationalizations that can lead us to stay silent, or even enable horrible abuse to continue.

Which brings us to the a second reason for this article: We must never allow loyalty to an institution to overcome our personal ethics. This is a modern form of idolatry, which I wrote about extensively in my first book Busting Your Corporate Idol: Self Help For the Chronically Overworked. Idolatry is creating an intermediary between yourself and the divine, and allowing the intermediary to set the terms of right and wrong.

Kristine Moore was the MSU employee in charge of investigating Amanda Thomashow’s complaint that Nassar massaged her breasts and vagina during a medical exam. Moore only consulted internal colleagues of Nassar and then prepared two different reports – 0ne for Thomashow,saying she didn’t know the difference between a medical procedure and sexual abuse. There was also a second, secret internal report that acknowledged the trauma inflicted by the doctor. In the end, Moore chose to protect the interests of the University over the safety of its students.

It is far too easy to say “I would never do such a thing.” I hope that is the case. But for many years I was caught up in corporate idolatry, and I put the needs of the company in front of the needs of people on a regular basis. No one’s life was ruined, but it was not ethical and my choices resulted in unnecessary pain for myself, my family, other employees, and our customers. Here are three Mussar traits to help you avoid the trap of Corporate Idolatry, and prevent another ethical lapse that enabled Larry Nasser

First Mussar Trait: Honor

Before you act, think of the impact of your actions on people, including yourself and your family. If the company wants you to skip a family event (or even worse, you feel you must skip the event for work, even if no one asks you to), think again.

Second Mussar Trait: Truth

Be on the lookout for rationalizations, and be honest with yourself. Have you ever had a thought like “Our company/University/Institution does so much good work, we need to protect it’s reputation.” If you have, it can open the door to rationalizations, like the one that led Kristine Moore to consult only with Nassar’s colleagues to find out if his exams were medically kosher.

Third Mussar Trait: Holiness.

It says in the Torah “You shall be holy.” It isn’t always clear what this means. As a rule of thumb, you can think of it as the quest to be Holy as living an ethical life according to the teachings of the Torah. This may be unfamiliar to you. Remember that building your character according to Torah’s teachings is striving to be a Mensch. The second commandment teaches us not to create graven images, those intermediaries I referred to above. Remember that your primary duty is to follow a higher calling – you can think of it as the Divine, Humanity, universal ethics. Whatever the case, if you often hear “you need to do what is best for the company,” beware! Nod your head politely, and then look to your heart and conscience for guidance on how to act.

What do you think of these Mussar traits? Will they really help us prevent a monster from hurting people longer than he should?

Ask yourself the following questions: Are there unethical people you know of who are unchecked? Are they sexually harassing others, acting as a bully, or treating vendors poorly? These people may not be monsters like Nassar, but their unethical conduct is unacceptable, and if you allow it to continue, other people may be hurt. In fact, when someone like Nassar and their ilk go down, they take down everyone around them.

See next article: This Sin Explains Michigan State’s Decisions About Nassar to learn more about corporate idolatry at Penn State and Michigan State.

Image by Agência Brasil Fotografias via Flickr CC

Five Mussar Practices To Charge Your Life In 2018

January 26, 2018 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

I am at my favorite Philz, drinking coffee, and reflecting on the past two years since American Mussar was founded. I’ve looked through so many of your stories, and am inspired and humbled by the ways that Mussar is changing your lives. 2018 is a year of blessing – 18 stands for life, and this year I am dedicated to helping you deepen your mussar practice. Below I’ll share five Mussar practices you can try. But first some background.

The last few months have been rough for me, with three parents in the hospital at various times with serious conditions. All three are on the mend thank goodness. The experience has really offered me lots of grist for the Mussar mill. Mussar has made it much easier for me to keep perspective, and to give myself time to recover my energy after difficult conversations before pushing on.

As is often the case with life, personal struggles can come against the backdrop of successes in other parts of life. As the American Mussar community has grown to over 1800 on the American Mussar Facebook page, and 5000 on the email list, your stories have been an inspiration to me to help me get through. Here are a few of the key highlights from 2017:

1. The Transform Yourself Through Jewish Wisdom Weekend was an amazingly transformative experience. I got to meet some of you there, and heard from many others who were not able to attend. This was our first live weekend event. The ten of us ended with our arms around each other, resolving to use the weekend as a springboard for change. One participant, Dr Dan Brown of San Diego said, “The Program has changed the trajectory of my life for the better.”

For me personally, it was also a breakthrough. You see, I struggle to feel satisfied. For all of my accomplishments, from MIT to the corporate world to my books, I never felt a sense of contentment like I did after this weekend. Yes, working to digest and unpack how Mussar can change your life left me with the highest feelings of satisfaction I have had. And since then, I’ve caught myself being happy and satisfied on multiple occasions. This may be commonplace for you, but for me it is a new and unique experience. If you have an opportunity to do an immersive experience like this one from any teacher you like, do it!

2. Stories of how Mussar is changing your lives. Here are a few examples:
• Healed sibling rivalry: You shared how Mussar helped you heal a 30 year sibling rivalry situation, and you chose to enjoy the holidays with people you rarely see rather than get sucked into old patterns.
• Loving Kindness: The blessing of being reminded of the impact you have on other people when you remember to practice Loving Kindness.
• Humility: You recognized how strongly you feel the need to be heard, and that sometimes it is too much for others. And you shared how it stemmed from a traumatic experience in your past. That recognition is a key step on the path to transformation.
I am so touched because you’ve let me touch you in this way.

3. I am particularly grateful to my 1:1 coaching clients. It has been a privilege to listen to your stories, and work with you to overcome those things holding you back and causing unnecessary suffering in your lives. To see you grow and thrive has been the best part of my week.

4. You let me into your lives through the book too. In the 15 months since The Spiritual Practice of Good Actions: Finding Balance Through the Soul Traits of Mussar was published, you’ve bought almost 2000 copies, and left more than 50 Reviews on Amazon. The latest particularly touches my heart. This book is changing my life …it takes the daunting and seemingly insurmountable spiritual journey of improving one’s character and reduces it to taking the first step, then the next, and so on. Read the full review here .

5. Rolling out the American Mussar Parenting Curriculum by working with lay leaders at two large synagogues. With just a few hours of training, anyone can use these materials to facilitate a mussar parenting group. One leader, from Temple Isaiah in Lafayette CA said the following after just two meetings, “I’m amazed at how the teachings are already having a positive effect on people’s lives.”

The key to Mussar is taking action, and you are discovering that taking one small step is everything – it is the whole game, because a first step leads to a second step and then a third step. But if you don’t take that first step, the journey never begins. Once you’ve taken it, you’ll begin building resilience to pick the practice up again with much less activation energy.

My focus for 2018 is to help you deepen your Mussar practice. There is no one size fits all solution. Here are five Mussar practices you could try. I don’t care which one you pick, but pick one.

1. Read a Mussar book. Here is a list of classic and modern Mussar books to choose from.
2. Schedule a free one hour strategy consultation with me. I love these calls. I listen, and then help you start to craft a strategy to become unstuck, get through a transition, or get to the next level in your practice. If you’d like to schedule the call, just click here to schedule one.
3. Sign up for the American Mussar Sampler program. For 13 weeks, you’ll get an email with practice prompts with a link to a video to give you a structure to practice the 13 soul traits in The Spiritual Practice of Good Actions. The cost of the sampler is $24 – a discount off the regular price of $36. As a special bonus, I’ll include a copy of the matching mantra cards, which have a retail value of $18 with free shipping within the US. Click Here to Order.
4. Sign up for the waiting list for the upcoming Mussar intensive courses. This will be a series of one month virtual Mussar groups each focused on a particular issue. Planning for the Mussar intensives will begin soon – we’ll be asking for your advice. By signing up for the waiting list, you will have the first opportunity to sign up for the class, and get a discount. Sign Up Here

5. Try a Patience Practice from the Mussar Parenting Curriculum. Sign up at the bottom of the info page here, and I’ll send you the participants and facilitators guides for you to review and select a practice.

My heart is really full because the practice is spreading. Please comment below and let me know what you are deciding to do. Let me tell you, if you are thinking to yourself, “I really should do this, but I have too much going on,” take my advice and just go ahead and do it. It will be a step forward. When in doubt, do the phone call. Nothing is more precious than your time, and if after 30 minutes you think it is a waste of time, we can end it then and there with no hard feelings.

As Rabbi Hillel said, “If I am not for myself who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? And if not now, when?”

2018 is a year of blessing – 18 stands for life, and this year I am dedicated to helping you deepen your mussar practice.

Most sincerely,

Greg

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

The Surprising Connection Between Hanukkah and Self Esteem: A Mussar Practice

December 13, 2017 By Greg Marcus 2 Comments

Happy Hanukkah! Hanukkah is a holiday of joy, to celebrate a miracle. While today we point to the miracle of the lights, the original miracle was the victory of the Maccabees over the Greeks. In this time of darkness for many people, we can take heart from both miracles. And as you will see below, there is a surprising connection between Hanukkah and self esteem.

Whether or not you are Jewish, there is a Mussar practice I am going to share that I think you will find meaningful.

****Here’s the Practice*****
Be a shamus to light other peoples flame

In Hanukkah, we light candles for eight nights. We don’t light the candles directly. First we light the shamus, a candle on a higher level than the others. Then, we use the shamus to light the other candles. In this practice, you will become a shamus, to light other people’s flame. The shamus is a servant, and thus when we seek to light another’s flame, we do so from a place of serving another.

This idea of lighting another’s flame my seem a bit abstract. I think of it as being an inspiration to others, to help them achieve more in the world. To bring it more down to earth, let’s put it in the context of the soul trait of Humility. Remember that Humility is about occupying your proper place in the universe, a balance between arrogance and self-abasement. Inspiring others requires “occupying more space,” that is moving more towards the arrogance side of the spectrum.

You might ask yourself, “Who am I to inspire others?” The answer is that you are a soul in the Divine image. You can be an inspiration, even if you normally hold yourself back from a lack of self-esteem.

You can be a light by leading by example, or better yet, by serving. How can you help someone else achieve their dream? It doesn’t need to be a Martin Luther King level dream. It can be something simple, like helping achieve a night of peace in the home. Or if your spouse is always asking you to stay off your phone, you can put it away for an evening and focus on being present.

Hanukkah is a holiday of joy and celebration. Take this occasion to be a light to others and help them bring more joy and goodness to the world.
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It is easy to be distracted by the commercial aspects of Hanukkah and Christmas. And it is very easy to let the holidays add to the overwhelm many of us are feeling. I hope you’ll take this opportunity to slow down, and take a moment to light other people’s flames. Serving can be far more fulfilling than leading.

Want to find out which parts of our Soul cause you to get in the way of serving others, or lead you to serve others too much at the expense of yourself? Click here to take the Soul Trait Quiz now.

A Word on Ribbons and “Raising Awareness” for Cancer

February 22, 2016 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

Awareness of problems and the fact that others are suffering is a good thing. It’s the first step—and a very necessary step—towards meaningful solutions and increased healing and comfort.

But it’s only the first step. Awareness in and of itself does not help solve a problem, and thinking otherwise can actually cause a lot of harm.

To be clear, I do not fault anyone for wearing a pink ribbon to raise cancer awareness, or to recognize a loved one who struggled or is struggling with this terrible taker of life. I understand and support the sentiments behind the ribbon, and I believe the cause of supporting cancer patients, cancer research, and the eventual and inevitable discovery of a cure (or cures) is an important one.

I also worry that for some people, wearing a ribbon and raising awareness is seen as action enough. Mussar teaches that we should “run to do good,” which is how we practice the Soul Trait of Enthusiasm.

There are lots of things we can all do to help those in our community who have been afflicted by cancer. Make meals for families who are struggling to get by with a debilitated parent. Visit children to read stories, to play games, to hold hands, and to listen. Volunteer with the Road to Recovery program and drive cancer patients to and from their treatments.

Real action is almost as easy as purchasing a ribbon to pin on, and it does a whole lot more to solve problems and create good in the world.

It might just bring you a whole new awareness of what you can achieve, as well.

Set yourself an intention: What is one small way that you can “run to do good” this week.

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