Loving-Kindness - American Mussar

Jewish Checklists For Being a Mensch

June 29, 2016 By Greg Marcus 1 Comment

It has been a crazy busy month for me, mostly in a good way. Today I sent off the final corrections for The Spiritual Practice of Good Actions, which goes to the printer July 1. September 8th will be here before we know it! This book launch has a lot of meaning for me, and I continue to struggle a bit with concerns about the outcome. I fear success and failure equally. It is a great week for me to be practicing Trust, for Trust reminds us that we cannot control the outcome, and most things work out well.

I was moved to write today after reading a wonderful article by Marjorie Ingall in Tablet Magazine called “How To Be a Better Ally.” It lists 11 ways to be a better ally to the LGBTQ community, inspired by the tragic events of Orlando. It is so cool to see Jewish checklists for being a Mensch.

Many of us are not sure how to be helpful, supportive, or empathetic in the face of tragedy, even more so towards a minority and oppressed community. For example, Ingall suggests that post Orlando, to “call your LGBTQ friends and family.” She quotes someone who explained how surprised she was “how much it has mattered for my straight friends to reach out and see how I’m doing.” As a result, I reached out to a gay couple close to me to check on them, and they were very appreciative.

Ingall’s list reminds me of a list created by the medieval philosopher Maimonides explaining how to visit the sick. Visiting the sick is a commandment, but it isn’t as straightforward as it seems. Lets face it – it is intrinsically uncomfortable for many people to go to a hospital. We do not want to be reminded of our own frailty. And, we often are not sure what to say or do. Maimonides put together this practical list over 800 years ago, explaining the right way to visit a sick person. His suggestions include:

Do not stand over the person – sit on a chair or the floor to try to stay at eye level, but do not sit on the bed
Leave your own issues at the door. Enter the room with a smile. When my family first learned this rule, we translated it into “Don’t Bring Me No Bad News,” a great number from The Wiz.
Be realistic, and don’t be Pollyanna about the person’s condition. Take your clues from them. You are there to bring support and comfort. If someone is on hospice, clearly it is not the time to talk about them getting better.
Bring something if you can

Visiting the sick is a core part of practicing Loving-Kindness. Remember that we practice Loving-Kindness through acts to sustain others without expecting anything in return. Ingall’s list of ways to be an ally also falls into the category of Loving Kindness. For example, she writes “don’t expect a cookie for being an ally.” You are there to support someone else’s humanity. There is risk in being “out” as an ally, which is why it is an act of Lovingkindness.

In summary, we are not born knowing how to act in every situation. The more outside of our experience, and the more intrinsically uncomfortable the situation, the more we can benefit from lessons and guidance on how to act like a Mensch, a person of outstanding character.

I love lists like this. Sometimes if feels like I need to make every socially awkward mistake until I learn. I am very happy to have a checklist with pointers to prevent me from stepping in the dodo.

Know any good checklists for being a Mensch? Please share below or on the American Mussar Facebook Page.

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What Not To Say To Someone In Mourning

February 4, 2016 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

It has been a rough week. A good friend of mine who also happens to be one of my Mussar students passed away over the weekend. She was about 50 and has two teens at home. It was sudden and unexpected, and her husband, kids, mother, and the rest of us are quite devastated.

Her husband and I are friends; we’ve talked a few times. It is so hard to know what to say to someone who has just lost so much. “How are you?” doesn’t seem like a helpful question. Legacy Connect offers many short articles that cover how to handle a variety of situations. (Read them here.)

Caring for the dead and comforting the bereaved are two important acts of Loving Kindness. While caring for the dead is something we generally leave to professionals these days, comforting the bereaved is something we can all do. When I was putting the finishing touches on The Spiritual Practice of Good Actions, I came across an article by writer Anita Diamant, who shared her struggle to comfort a friend who lost a baby.[1] Here is what I wrote

“Diamant described being “in mourning” as a parallel universe where being in the shadow of death is not a metaphor. Her friend told her that every gesture of support, even if it was a phone call or email to say “I’m sorry” counted for a lot because it gave her a connection to the living world. Diamant described her struggle not to try to cheer her friend up as she held her hand while she cried. While I have not been in those exact shoes, I know what it feels like to want to cheer someone else up. In part, it is because we want to feel better. It is really heavy to be there with someone who is in such terrible pain. Diamant’s act of selfless Loving-Kindness leaves me in a kind of helpless awe.”

I thought of Diamant’s words often this week, as I just tried to be there. This week I was in Diamant’s shoes, and as I was with the grieving husband. I just listened. Other times, I also needed support, and was grateful that I had people listening to me as I shared my grief I’m thankful that I have so many friends willing to be there with me, to listen without judgement and without giving advice.

Mussar teaches that there is no escape from the ups and downs of life. We do not have the luxury of retreating and hoping it all goes away. We show up, and do the best we can. It’s nice to have some teachings and guidance along the way. At the end of the day, we all need each other. With the right people at your back, we can live each day like it might be our last, not in frantic haste, but in mindful presence, getting the most out of every moment.

If you are thinking of joining us on our Mussar journey, a good place to start is with the Soul Trait Profile Quiz. Click here to take it now.

[1] Anita Diamant, Pitching My Tent, (New York: Scribner, 2005), 104-106.

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Second Harvest and the Loving-Kindness Soul Trait

January 8, 2016 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

American Mussar is pleased to award the Second Harvest Food Bank of Santa Clara and San Mateo Counties with a Point of Light award. The work of the SHFB—one of the largest food banks in the country—exemplifies the perfect balance of the soul trait of chesed, or loving-kindness.

Caring for the needy and sharing our bounty with those who are less fortunate is one of the most essential ways we can live the loving-kindness all human beings have in their hearts. It is giving simply to make someone else’s life brighter and better, without any expectation of a reward for the gift or a tangible “return on investment.”

The Soul Trait of Loving-Kindness teaches us that we must care for others as we care for ourselves; that showing compassion for others is a big part of having compassion for ourselves. When this Soul Trait is in balance, we practice proper self-care so we have the resources we need to care for others.

Second Harvest Food Bank accepts donations of food and money from those who are in a position of abundance and able to donate these things; those who receive food from SHFB are encouraged to donate their time when they are able, sorting and distributing food to others. Everyone involved gives what they can, and those in need of assistance receive the help they need.

This is the true spirit of Loving-Kindness, and helps to strengthen the Santa Clara and San Mateo communities and all of the individuals in it. We’re proud to support the Second Harvest Food Bank, and encourage you to do the same here if you are able.

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Help Identify and Support Eight Points of Light This Hanukkah

December 6, 2015 By Greg Marcus 6 Comments

You can Help Identify and Support Eight Points of Light This Hanukkah. American Mussar Will select Eight local charities to receive a Point of Light Award, one for each night of Chanukah. And you get to help choose which charities AM will give to.

All you need to do is go to the American Mussar Facebook page, and post the name of the charity, a link to the donation page, and a sentence or two describing what they do.

At the end of each day, American Mussar will pick one of the organizations nominated that day, and BOOM: we’ll donate $180. Not only that, every entry will get free publicity on the American Mussar Facebook page. And, we will interview the director of the charity, and write a blog post the following day about each and every one of the eight winners. Thus, these worthy organizations will get some exposure on a national level, and we’ll use the example of their work to teach an American Mussar practice.

Why American Mussar Is Recognizing Eight Local Charities

American Mussar teaches us how to bring our Soul towards balance by taking action.

Did you know that word Chanukah means rededication? The Israelites needed to rededicate the Temple after it was defiled by the Greeks. In addition to our usual Chanukah activities, like giving presents and eating latkes, we have an opportunity to do some rededication work as well.

American Mussar teaches that we all have a Divine spark that is occluded by our baggage. If you are unsure of the Divinity, you can think of this as the spark of humanity that we all share. Rabbi Yoel Glick likens the Divine Spark to the light of Chanukah. Rabbi Glick teaches that our Divine spark is a source of “amazing inner strength,” which gives us “the courage to face anything.” Moreover, he urges us to reorder our life towards Divine service. And if you are unsure of the Divinity, Divine service simply means making the world a better place.

We’d love to help you make your community a better place by supporting a local philanthropy. Please take a moment and go to the American Mussar Facebook page to nominate a group. While a given charity can win only once, they can be entered again each day. Click here to go to Facebook.

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