Your American Mussar Journey starts with the Soul Trait of Humility. Humility is almost universally taught as the first Soul Trait, because it is fundamental to who we are. Unlike the western definition of Humility, which emphasizes being self-effacing and understated, Mussar teaches that Humility is about finding the proper balance between arrogance and self-effacement. Sometimes, we are presented with a challenge, and we need to step up and make it happen.
“If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now, when?” – Rabbi Hillel
The goal of Humility practice is to find the proper balance between your needs and the needs of others.
Too Little Humility: Arrogance
Too Much Humility: Self effacement/doormat-like behavior
Practice:
American Mussar practice has three parts: a morning mantra, daily actions, and journaling. If you haven’t done so already, watch the video above.
Mantra
Write the following mantra on an index card, and place it by your bedside.
No more than my space, no less than my place.” – Alan Morinis, Everyday Holiness
In the morning, recite the phrase out loud several times and contemplate the meaning. This will frame your thoughts for the day. Pay attention to times when your Humility comes into play.
Action
If you tend towards too little Humility, speak out less and focus on listening.
If you tend towards too much Humility, speak out more and let your voice be heard.
You don’t need to do anything dramatic – just take a small step outside of your comfort zone.
Journaling
Write about your experiences at night in your Mussar Journal.
Don’t worry if this sounds challenging – you only need to practice Humility for a week; then you’ll be on to Patience.
Want to learn more about how to practice Humility? Check out Chapter 5 of The Spiritual Practice of Good Actions.
UPDATE: The Spiritual Practice of Good Actions is now available as an audiobook narrated by the author Rabbi Greg Marcus. You can find it on Amazon or anywhere audiobooks are sold.
Share your experience below
Please remember that this is a private page, and our goal is to create a safe space for people to share. Please keep all comments respectful, do not offer advice, and do not quote or share a person’s comments outside of this page.
Note: This post is part of the American Mussar Cycle, as well as the 4 week American Mussar Sampler. If you haven’t already, you can sign up for the American Mussar Cycle Here
Some of my biggest challenges with humility are with a family member. She has strong opinions about how we all should dress, act ,think, eat, work, sit, etc. Sometimes I speak up and take up some space and assert my own existence and desires. It’s uncomfortable and often becomes confrontational. Other times I just listen to her and reflect back: You really like it when people around you are stylish. You work so hard at cooking things and you hope so much that people will like them. You really hope your kids will be financially successful. You want the best for your sons. You want them to have all the things you could never have. If I really listen and judge favorably, sometimes I can break through her anxieties and make her feel heard and loved. So the humility middah is very important. You need to have enough space. But asserting your space directly doesn’t always work. I liked your suggestion of asking questions after a meeting, if taking up space in the meeting is too difficult. Sometimes before the meeting is good too.
Barbara, Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sure we’ve all been in that place, when someone else is impinging on our space. Great idea – rather than confront and hold our space by force, show compassion and caring for the person pushing us. We thus hold our space in a very different way – in fact we need to create a space for the other person to feel validated and ok. Love it!
I struggle with humility. I usually stick up for others more than I do for myself. My mother was bipolar, narcissistic, extremely critical, and often cruel. I internalized many negative things and, at 67, am still working on loving myself. The mantra is so important to me because it helps me to recognize my worth while reminding me not to be place myself above others. Not asserting my space leaves me feeling resentful, depressed, worthless…and when the negative feelings fill me, they explode and I move to the other extreme. I was told last week that my contract was not being renewed, and I was hurt. Some of the issues had to do with my problem with the trait of humility, so this particular mussar trait is important to me right now, and in the future. Signing up for this course -definitely beshert! Thank you so much.
Joyce – Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are not alone. Humility is a fundamental Soul Trait for almost everyone in one way or another. The good news is that there is a lot of room for change. But don’t try to do it all at once. Pick one small area in your life to make a change towards balance. What is one small way that you can assert your space this week?
The 1st trait lesson is desperately needed in this world 2-day, & we have 2 b sure that we exhibit a genuine humility since there are 2~~both genuine & false, Biblically based. Today’s ‘trait lesson’, obviously reflects the Biblical & by ‘Divine Grace’, adopting 2-day’s mantra/lesson, & even learning from the other ‘posts’, while reading, tk G-d!! :-)…genuine humility can become a consistent reality in my life!! 🙂
Glad you are part of this journey Janet!
One place that Humility comes in with me is related to the modern existential angst that I believe impacts many modern people: the universe is essentially impersonal and meaning is subjective. In such a scenario, how can I say that what I am interested in pursuing is worthwhile, particularly as an artist? Here, Humility has gone too far. Through various efforts and readings I’ve come to understand meaning as a choice, and “worthwhileness” as a practiced belief. More, that I am a product of a Mystery and am here as an outcome of creation, whatever the source, and therefore exist to serve the purpose intended, even if I cannot always explain that purpose; we are perhaps worthwhile simply by virtue of existing. On a practical level, Humility is not always on a linear continuum. When I judge that I know more than someone, I am apt to speak out loudly, sometimes lecturing, sometimes trying to “fix” things. Yet, to be truly confident in not only my own knowing, but to trust that the other person knows what is true/best for them, alleviates the pressure to make claims In both these areas, Perhaps Humility is an expression of trust. It seems to me there’s a strong relationship between Humility and trust, especially a trust in Mystery/Creation/Life. These are some of the understandings I intend to explore during the week.
Hi Alan, Indeed there is a relationship between Humility and Trust, which is a soul trait we’ll cover in a few weeks.
In the Talmud, it says “Know before whom you stand.” B’rachot 28b. It is a way of reminding us that we play a small role in the universe. Is it really for us to decide what is worthwhile? I think what you are saying is that it is arrogant for us to decide wothwhileness, which comes with a presumption that something is worthwhile only if it is having a “big impact.” Given our small role, it is almost a non-sensical question.
You are also making reference to the Soul Trait of Honor, which is Honoring the Divine Spark in others. When we think we know better than someone else, we are not Honoring them, and thus we stray to the arrogant side of things.
Great area for exploration. Observe how you interact with others. Notice when the judging feelings come into play. Recite the mantra to yourself. Journal about them at night. Some amazing things will come to light, and a freedom to act differently will emerge.
Thank you.
Hello’
I enjoyed reading “…a freedom to act differently…”
I will try that this morning in a meeting with administration. I’m a little nervous.
Tammy
Best of luck today Tammy! Being nervous about change is normal. It can be like sitting at the top of the ski slope. Sometimes its best not to think about it. One small change is all we need to start with. Congrats for experimenting, to see where this can go!
Today I was reminded of both humility and awe.
I spoke with a friend whose 2nd grandchild was born a few days ago. We talked about how unfathomable the whole process of birth is and the sheer number of adjustments a newborn has to make from the start; breathing, eating, light instead of darkness, different sounds and temperatures. Truly incredible.
That the human body can go through that journey and adapt so quickly and successfully I find truly humbling, and it puts me “in my place.”
That we have a responsibility over time to continue that journey of discovery and adaptation reminds me to step up and “take my space”.
I think my biggest challenge with humility is figuring out when to put in my “2 cents” and when to keep my mouth shut, when to step forward and act and when to hold back and trust that things will go as they should.
Lots of food for thought.
Thank you Sheri.
I appreciated the connection people made between Humility and Trust, and Humility and Honor. I find I can hardly address Humility at all unless I take into account those other two traits.
One of my biggest issues in regard to Humility is actually knowing what my space is and where it ends, as well as knowing if it is actually my place to take up more space in a situation. There seems to be a very fine line between thinking I know which is which (arrogance, in the end) and simply rationalizing the way I want things to be. Trusting that G-d will help me discern the difference between my desires and what really is becomes my first step toward finding balance with Humility. Thinking through how I can honor the other reminds me that my way is not the only way to look at life.
Wonderful Sharon. Thanks for sharing.
I just did a live feed of my Humility Mantra on the American Mussar Facebook page. You can see it here. https://www.facebook.com/americanmussar/
I thought a lot about this as I wrote my farewell letter to the congregation I had worked for. I wrote what I thought was a heartfelt plea to avoid the actions they took during this past year with the new principal. When I read it to my friend, she said it sounded preachy and critical, and so I read it again, and then repeated the mantra. I took out the “advice” and wrote a simple thankful message for the privilege of working with their children and serving the congregation. The rabbi responded calling the gesture magnanimous and said I was a “mensch”. I felt good, not because of the praise, but because I know I did the right thing. Pride is a trap. I experienced balance and it was a truly wonderful feeling. I am so very happy that I entered into this mussar course with all of you. Your insights are helpful – and healing. May we all become more of who we were meant to be.
Wonderful Joyce to see you take action – Mussar is an opportunity for all of us. to bring more “Menchiness” to our lives.
We all benefit when we participate in a conversation that started 1000 years about about Mussar, and thousands of years before that in general Jewish discourse. I am but one small link in that chain, and learn far more from you than you will from me.
Traditionally, my struggles with Humility manifested as arrogance. I’ve come to understand that the arrogance came from deep-seeded feelings of worthlessness. They are quieting down, but still there.
On Saturday my daughter and I saw Senator Barbara Boxer speak at the Bay Area Book Festival. I bought a copy of her book “The Art of Tough.” Hearing her speak, I realized that I could use some of her advice. With my book coming out, there will be all kinds of things to feel bad about – bad reviewers, haters on the one hand, fears about the book being successful and getting a swelled head on the other.
Another Humility Practice today. I changed my name on Twitter to (((Greg Marcus). The Neo-Nazi’s use the ((())) to target Jews. I’m joining Yair Rosenberg and many others to co-opt the symbol. It scares me to do it. Made the change ten minutes ago, and my heat is pounding, worried that the Nazi’s will show up at the proverbial front door. Nevertheless, it feels like it is important to occupy this Jewish space and show defiance. What do you think? http://www.tabletmag.com/scroll/204311/how-twitter-is-teaming-up-to-mess-with-the-nazis?utm_source=fb&utm_medium=post&utm_content=How+Twitter+Is+Teaming+Up+to+Mess+With+the+Nazis&utm_campaign=june2016
I’m using this middah to remind myself that I have a space to fill but frequently avoid it as it relates to work, household chores, etc. If I find myself sitting around reading or watching TV, I’m now finding that I get a bit uncomfortable, recognizing that there is something to be done and that I’m the one who must do it.
HI Elyse,
Great recognition.
I’ve been pondering what you wrote the last few days. I’m sure many of us resonate with what you are feeling. Who hasn’t been in that circumstance at one time or another.
Mussar (and Judaism) teaches that we have an opportunity to assist God in the creation of the world. For those unsure of the Divinity, we can focus on the aspect of working to make the world a better place. Cleaning up and doing chores can be put into that sacred context.
I’m reading these lessons to an online live chat group, and I said something similar about chores, but in a slightly different way:
I’m not good with names, but in this lesson, there’s the story of the rabbi who saw the blemish on the Roman’s offering – knew it was intentional – messed everything up. by essentially doing nothing.
At the bottom of that story, the author wrote that Hashem had given this rabbi the authority to deal with this *and* if he’d “worked on it” the rabbi would have been given the wisdom to make the right choice. I saw it on the order of “we’re never given more than we can handle” (to which I often want to retort “yeah, right” – I’m young-ish, widowed, pretty much broke & have no family so “everything is always on my shoulders” and that’s literally true).
I said last night in the group, “I feel like I’ve been saddled with SO much…but Hashem either put me in this position, or he ‘let it happen’ like Job…therefore I have to find a way to “do it all, all alone all the time.”
I’m lucky to have a work-at-home PT freelance writing job, but still… There are so many days that I have to meet a deadline AND deal with the trash AND take the dog to the vet AND pull weeds…and, and, and…
I have to be willing to “push” and trust Hashem to give me the “spiritual shove” and maybe even a “helping psychological & mental hand” by giving me ideas of how to get something done at least a little less painfully.
So my daily mantra – that I can add to via Mussar – really is, “What do I do now?” “What do I do next?” “Which of these 2 things is more important to get done 1st?”
And if that’s not “prayer & supplication” then I don’t know what is!
But boy, I’m with you on sitting around. Wanna come over? I’m about ready to make coffee… 😉
In thinking more deeply about what it means to be an embodied human being, with all of the challenges that entails, biologically, medically. To accept my own human frailties and hubris, and those of other humans, our limited maturity, knowledge, wisdom. To accept these things, to imbue meaning and even reverence in all of this. And in the face of such smallness, still to attempt to be a partner in creation, make choices about how to respond, It is deeply humbling to take this all in, hold it, and to then act with authority. I’ve heard the old Zen koan: “jump, and the net will appear.” I’m sure there’s a Jewish corollary. To freeze at the edge of the cliff, and then to decide to trust in something so much larger – if it is not to be hubris, then doesn’t the courage to jump require trust, and doesn’t such trust require Humility (and perhaps evoke awe)?
Alan- Love that saying.
As you observe, it is all interconnected. We focus on Soul Traits in part because the totality of the Soul is beyond our ability to grasp. Sometimes we stand at the edge of the cliff as you say, and Trust is required.
I wonder if sometimes we not recognize the moment for what it is. Mussar is practiced in the “ordinary” moments of everyday life. For example, honking at another driver because we feel slighted -it is easy to get caught up in the frustration, without realizing the potential of the moment to act as our better self. Have we just walked over the edge of the cliff without seeing it?
We have an opportunity to train ourselves to see the cliff every day. This is one of the reasons that we pick one small area to take action outside of our comfort zone. We don’t run away from the cliff, nor do we allow ourselves to blindly plunge over the edge.
For more on Choice Points, this blog post on Star Wars may interest you http://americanmussar.com/five-mussar-lessons-from-star-wars/
Thanks for your comments. I do get the need to focus on the every day. I will refrain from waxing philosophical… The mantra has evoked for me the discovery that too much humility and too little seem to be two sides of one, spiritual coin, and that I’m not balanced. I have been struggling with some medical issues personally and within my family that are quite challenging and are cause for humility about the human condition on the one hand, and the realization that I need to get on with life in ways that require I not have so much humility about what I want for myself, meaning trusting my own heart’s desires, which I’m not used to doing. I’m afraid this is not just about being a nice driver for me.
Hi Alan – I hear you and totally get it. This is serious work, and at time of significant life change for you. Again, thank you for sharing your journey with us.
I find myself getting irritated during Torah study when the same people seem to raise their hands and deliver long speeches. In general, I am not shy about offering my opinions, but lately I seem to be more silent than usual and I don’t think it’s because of an excess of humility. Maybe it’s because I’m not a morning person. Maybe it’s because I don’t have anything to say. When the rabbi asked people to keep their remarks short, the very next person delivered a long speech. I think arrogance in a way can be like stealing — stealing time and space from others. I try to be mindful. When and if I have something important to say, I will raise my hand.
By contrast, in my writing workshop, I think I raise my hand and even interrupt too often, perhaps it’s because this is my area of expertise. But I need to be more mindful about stealing time and space from others.
Hi Janet – Thank you, I love the insight about stealing time from others. Speaking too much is indeed a Humility issue, and pondering your own speech is an excellent Mussar activity.
Day one and I’m finding this program helpful already! Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Shabbat Shalom
Hi Laurie – so glad to hear it! Keep up the good work.
I am new to this, and I’m learning a lot (I think) from the discussion of Humility, Honor and Trust. I tend to be a little too self-effacing at times, too outspoken at others. I think the fact that I often have too much Humility is often because I (and society) don’t value my natural talents as much as we might: I am better (and more comfortable) at “supportive” and organizational stuff than at leadership/creative type stuff — so I am not the sort of person that tends to get a lot of attention, respect, admiration, and money. I know I am following a path that is good for me, but I still sometimes feel guilty that I’m not using my brain for more “important” stuff. I forget to Trust that G-d gave me my own set of talents and predilections for a reason, and to Honor that in myself. This is tricky because it’s easy for me to think that my preference for supportive roles is just another symptom of my having too much humility. But I have to remind myself that if I can take pride in my talent in this area, that’s not self-effacing at all.
Hi Linda – for someone new to this, you are right in the think of it. You are asking yourself exactly the right kind of questions. A person could have too much or too little Humility in any kind of job. I’ve heard about CEOs who hide in their office all day, and others who run roughshod over anyone who doesn’t agree with them. Similarly, I’ve known admins who were wonderfully supportive but had iron clad boundaries about what you could and could not get their assistance with. And others who were taken advantage of to put in more hours and do more work than was reasonable.
I think you are right to question the voice that is making you feel guilty about your preference for supportive roles – it sounds like the Evil Inclination trying to undermine you.
You are off to a great start, and keep up the good work. As you rotate through the soul traits, you’ll see that Humility is related to many of them.
Hello, Dr. Marcus.
I found your book when searching via Amazon for other spiritual guides. I have always identified with being spiritual so when I saw your book, I knew it was for me. I had never heard of Mussar, but I am fascinated by the idea. I have started reading your book, as well as signed up for your American Mussar Cycle. I am looking forward to exploring the forthcoming soul traits.
Humility.
Well, I believe I fall towards the middle of the spectrum when it comes to humility. However, I may lean more to the side of having too much humility, at times. For example, during work meetings, I tend to not speak up much. I seem to have this fear of looking stupid, or saying something wrong. I recognize that this has to do with me, and no one else, thus I’m trying to be more vocal. But it is equally tough when others, on the team, are more aggressive. Nevertheless, I do believe that the focus I put towards this first soul trait will encourage me to explore more of myself when it comes to humility.
Thank you for this platform to grow, Dr. Marcus.
Kind regards. Dylan.
Dylan – welcome to Mussar practice. Thank you so much for joining on the journey.
Sometimes our self evaluations are not accurate, so I would focus on the practice of speaking up more. If you can’t speak up in the meeting, ask a question 1;1 after the meeting.
My parents were both alcoholics, their mood pendulum swung between overly critical and punishing to overly affectionate, making promises they would never keep.
So my humility also swings on a pendulum, from self effacing to wildly arrogant, as a young child trying to please the unpleasable and being forced to grow up too quickly taking care of a younger sibling, knowing I did it better.
65 years later it is still hard to find that balance, i know it, see, it and recognize it, yet still beat myself up over it. There’s a point where you have to stop blaming parents for your problems, but is still hard to deal with the damage it caused. Just like back then, some days can still be a battle, just to know when to retreat and when to stand firm…with myself. The mantra sounds soothing. I never heard of mussar, consider myself spiritual but not religious, since god never figured much in my life, neither did the notion of evil. Except of the human variety.
Snowden thank you for sharing your story. I listen with an open heart.
The swings from extreme to extreme are common for people with humility out of balance. Both extremes represent different faces if being self centered.
i invite you to give Mussar practice a try.. It can help your heart understand what your head already knows.
At the first Mussar retreat I attended. A man stiff up and said that Mussar changed his life. He was 80 years old and just learned within the last year or too. Hope this can be you too
I am on the plus side of the humility spectrum. I struggle with friendships with those who struggle with too much humility. It tires me to do what feels like keeping up my end of the relationship and conversation at the same time as trying to give these individuals space. I often end up feeling as though I am even less balanced when I am with these individuals, even if they are dear to me and I value them greatly. I imagine that working on my humility may be the very thing that will help, but I am not quite sure what that might consist of.
Hi Marjorie – Thanks for sharing your situation. There are many ways to work on balancing humility. Congrats on asking the question. to help you find what is the right next step for you.
One thing you might try is to invite more silence in the conversations. Do you need to be the one to keep things going? By speaking less, you are inviting the opportunity for the other person to contribute. And if they do not have anything to say, just try to experience being with them.
Let me know how it goes.
I have been studying Mussar for awhile and find humility a key middah that supports work to develop other traits in addition as a trait in its own right.
Even before undertaking this work I was aware of the contradictions that influence behavior. Recognizing them has been key to finding ways to negotiate the opposing forces that influence behavior. Finding ways to address both poles of the dilemma or to transcend them have helped.
Finding what Victor Frankel called the space between stimulus and response and using the presence of mind that follows helps me to balance my response.
I don’t always hear this from Mussarniks, but I think the proper response to calls to act with proper humility is often contingent. Sometimes at work it was more important to overcome tendencies to be self effacing. Other times in personal relationships there have been needs to take “less space” and provide pride of place to another. So thank you for treating middot as continua and not casting one side as positive and the other as negative.
You are very welcome Kathy.
And thank you for sharing your perspective and the Victor Frankel teaching.
I’m glad that Humility is the first trait we work with because a light bulb went off as I was thinking about why I want to practice mussar in my daily life. I want to practice mussar because I want to be a mensch. That may be a worthy goal in itself, but *why* do I want to be a mensch? If it’s only to feel good about myself — or to secretly enjoy hearing others say I’m a mensch — then I don’t think I’m “getting” the point of being a mensch. The ultimate goal of being a mensch, it seems to me, is to do my part in making the world a better place (tikkun olam).
This has been a humbling insight for me — it has “put me in my place,” so to speak.
I’ve filled two pages in my journal of thoughts about humility, so I have plenty more I could say, but that wouldn’t be very humble of me. However, I would just like to share a couple of other things.
One, I see how our upbringing shapes the amount of space we take up. Others have commented to this effect as well. Two, I see how culture also influences how we manifest soul traits in our lives. I live full-time in Mexico, and I routinely see how humility is culturally valued here, whereas in the US, my country of origin, if you’re humble, people may perceive that as a weakness and try to take advantage.
I’m an introvert, and so speaking up in a large group is intimidating to me. In fact, I generally let the extroverts in the room basically steal the stage, even when I feel I have something relevant to add. On the other hand, I tend to be verbose in a one-on-one situation. (See this comment as proof of that.)
Finally, one last thought. I like “down to earth” as a way of visualizing humility. I don’t want to be so low to the ground that people step all over me, but I also don’t want to be high and mighty and look down my nose at others. Humility (or humble) ultimately means on the ground, so this is apt.
I’m looking forward to all the discoveries I’ll make while living a mussar-inspired life, to becoming a mensch and doing my part to make the world a better place.
Hi Al – thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. You are off and running on your Mussar journey! Your self reflection sounds very intensive and fruitful.
I really like your insights about being up high and down low. It reminds me of the story of the Tower of Babel – trying to get too high leads to spiritual (and practical) disaster.
A recent health crisis woke me up. I am a recently retired mental health professional. Very proud of my standard of care, I am humbled to think I allowed myself to become so spiritually malnourished. I saw in the hospital that my emotional weather reflected on the heart monitor! If I want to heal ulcers in my colon I need to address the ones in my spirit. I have resisted Jewish learning as I received it with a heavy Sense of should that has fed shame and guilt and feeling diminished. I am one to keep my own counsel and bear my own burdens and wanted to spare everyone my troubles. I now see it is arrogance of a kind to think I should be able to do this on my own. Is it arrogant to take pride in my better qualities especially my loving spirit?
Anyway I am taking a little step up to show myself as an imperfect offering and allow myself to be nourished and grow. I am not afraid to be challenged. I am afraid to overshare and talk too much .
I discovered this program by accident looking at books online. I see not only to heal my spirit but to be the best Bubbe! I am the carrier of Jewish tradition in my family although I am somewhat rebellious and ambivalent I want to take specific nourishment and guidance to deepen my attachment and integrate my spirituality with with my heritage.
So any suggestions to move forward to clarify this mix of humility and arrogance would be appreciated. Specifically small actions I should do.
Hi Sherry – thank you for sharing your story. It is very sad that so many people like you had negative experiences with Judaism, and I am very happy that you have chosen to explore Mussar. The core of being Jewish is being a good person, and Mussar offers an opportunity to practice the spirit of Jewish teachings, where were intended to help us be kind-hearted, present, and life-affirming people.
I hesitate to offer suggestions for the small step you should take because I don’t know enough. about your situation. That being said, I know that many mental health professionals have trouble talking about themselves, since you were trained not to. Perhaps this is an opportunity to open up to your family and bring you closer.
I just started this mussar 13 week challenge yesterday, so I’m new here. I love this format, btw. Humility is a confusing soul trait for me to work on. When I was younger, I would say that I definitely leaned toward not enough humility…I was probably very far on that scale, actually. I am very intelligent and analytical and it bugs me when other people use poor logic/judgement/emotionalism.
But I had a mental health crisis a few years ago, basically a nervous breakdown after a period of intense stress and was unable to leave my home for several years. It was very difficult. The former person who always had something to say (and was usually right!) was gone. I had panic attacks just trying to talk to someone.
That was 10 years ago and the acute phase is over. I started my own business a couple of years ago after being a stay at home parent for 15 years. And I find myself struggling with self-confidence. But when I asked my husband where he thought I was on the scale, he still feels like I tend toward not enough humility. And he has to live with me, so his opinion is worth something! I don’t know what I should be practicing? More or less humility?
Ellen – first of all I am glad to hear that the acute phase is over for you.
Your question is a great one.
When you were younger it felt like too little humility, and now you feel like you struggle with self confidence but your husband still things you have too little humility. The answer is that our goal is to be in balance. When we are out of balance, we will tend towards either of the extremes. Sometimes being arrogant and outspoken is a way that we cover up our own insecurities. This is certainly true for me. I know your book is on the way, and when you read it you’ll see more on this concept.
I struggle with being a doormat in so many areas of my life and then at home I end up being the exact opposite. Too much humility with strangers too little humility with loved ones. There has to be a balence. This just leads to bad feeling all around.
I loved the quote but for some reason find myself wanting to switch it to “no more than my place no less than my space” that seems easier to comprehend and more attainable. Because what IS my place? I don’t know. I can’t accept less than my place bc I don’t know what it is. I
Hi Jill – Good self realization – a very important first step. Being on extremes is not uncommon when we are out of balance. The goal is to be in the middle. My suggestion is to pick one area of your life to work on, and move towards the middle. Is there an area where you can stretch and be less of a doormat, or to give more space at home? Pick something small, so small that you can’t possibly fail.
I do enjoy the mantra as I do try to hear others from my space while responding in a way that does not intrude on theirs… In many ways it can be like a pendulum that swings back and forth, generating an inertia that can, at times, push an overt response from me or conversely pull me into a sense of waiting and listening. I once has an occasion to work for a women who was very abrasive and fostered this immediate reaction in me to dislike her. I couldn’t put my finger on the exact reason I had this feeling until a realized that she shared some of the same personality qualities that I dislike about myself. It took me awhile to realize this and now when I experience this reaction to anyone, I begin to ask myself if the qualities I see in them are those negative qualities I see in myself. This is helping me understand my space and place in my interactions with others. Thank you for this course as I am so looking forward to learning more about myself and others.
Jack – you are very welcome. You are off to a great start with the observations you are making. Seeing qualities you don’t like about yourself in others is a great door to compassion – for both of you. You also both have Divine Sparks that are hidden by your baggage. Mussar will help you move the bags and let the light shine through.
Jack – you are very welcome. You are off to a great start with the observations you are making. Seeing qualities you don’t like about yourself in others is a great door to compassion – for both of you. You also both have Divine Sparks that are hidden by your baggage. Mussar will help you move the bags and let the light shine through.