Would you like a mussar practice for Trump angst? First a question: If you hate Trump so much, why do you keep talking about him?
I asked that question to a close relative over the weekend. We were sitting together, watching TV when he said, “I am smarter than that guy, referring to a sports expert.” He had a little grin on his face, and from the way he said it, I could tell that he was lampooning Trump’s statement that he was smarter than Secretary of State Rex Tillerson.
In another conversation about the suffering in Puerto Rico, someone said “the problem is that Puerto Rico is an island, surrounded by water.” She looked at me expectantly, with almost a hunger for me to engage.
A few months ago, I posted something on Twitter, and out of the blue someone tweeted the “That explains Trump.” I made no response, and I imagine a great disappointment in the poster that I did not take the bait.
In each case, it appeared that the person was looking for me to justify and feed their anger. I see the exchanges on Facebook all the time. One person rants, and their friends jump in, either agreeing or disagreeing. Everyone is angry.
If this sounds at all like you, let me ask you: Is this the life you want to live? Is this what Judaism teaches us, to feed anger and disaffection? I know, we are supposed to speak out against injustice. But what injustice are we speaking about when we bring up Trump out of the blue to make fun of him? Here, you are just feeding the anger within.
The Talmud teaches “Whosoever yields to anger, if he be a wise man his wisdom leaves him, and if he be a prophet his prophecy leaves him.” (Pesachim 66b). In modern language, the Talmud is saying that when we get angry, we don’t think straight, and we do things we may regret. I know that when I am angry, I say and do some really hurtful things to the people I care most about.
In addition, insulting Trump instead of talking about actual issues amounts to gossip, which in Hebrew is known as lashon ha’ra. The Talmud teaches that harmful speech kills three people – the speaker, the listener, and the one being talked about. Rabbi Joseph Teluskin argues that avoiding gossip allows the speaker and listener to form a closer relationship because they are forced to focus on each other. Thus, when we bring up Trump at random times, we lose an opportunity to really connect and get to know other people. It may feel good to share misery, but it won’t actually make you feel better. And it won’t help you form community.
Instead of giving in to the urge to mock Trump, practice the Soul Trait of Silence. In the Mussar classic Cheshbon Ha’nefesh, Rabbi Menachem Mendel Levin wrote, “Before you open your mouth, be silent and reflect: What benefit will my speech bring to me or others?” One way to begin this Mussar practice is to write Levin’s phrase on an index card or sticky note, and put it on your bed table where you will see it in the morning. Read, chant, and/or contemplate it for a minute to begin your day. This will make you more aware of thoughtless speech in general. Next, stop and reflect before you say anything. As you become more mindful of your speech, you can choose to avoid the mocking speech we discussed above.
Lets consider a world in which you don’t bring up Trump at random times. It opens the door to focus on positive things that bring you energy and joy. I’ve seen it happen again and again – a positive conversation gets derailed into anger, frustration, and cynicism. Instead of allowing your negative side to bring the conversation down with insults, look for an opportunity to bring the conversation up. Staying present and plugged into the world is both empowering and life affirming. After all, our mission is Tikkun Olam, repair of the world. And mocking speech never repaired anything
Mussar has soul traits to help us focus on Tikkun Olam in the face of anger and despair. It is not enough simply to say “No Trump thoughts” or “keep it positive.” A full mussar practice for Trump angst requires a strategy to focus on something else.
Come back next week to read a post on moving from anger to Tikkun Olam.
Want to know which soul traits you need to work on? Take the Soul Trait Profile Quiz.
Tammy says
Well stated
Greg Marcus says
Thank you Tammy
Tonia Williams says
Gee whiz, it’s mind blowing how being reasonable and afvising verbal restraint suddenly puts you in some enemy camp. What worries me lately more than anything is the level of rage and viciousness pouring forth, esp on FB with re to almost any topic under consideration. I sometimes think the world’s gone mad (or madder). Anyhow, Gregg, I just want to thank you for bringing this up. It is a very interesting and thought provoking blog.
Greg Marcus says
Thank you Tonia. We each have our journey, and some people have a hard time letting go of anger. I happen to be one of them, so I understand how hard it is.
Saul says
I have found, myself fall into that easy trap. I do many times find myself back in it. I lift myself out and immediately feel better.
Greg Marcus says
Well done Saul
Sheri Morrison says
I’m with you on this one.
Greg Marcus says
Thanks Sheri. Hope you are well
Janet Podell says
Good advice. I stopped a discussion last night because all it was doing was getting us upset.
Greg Marcus says
Glad to hear it Janet. Sometimes we need to take care of our emotional health, and save our energy for times we can make a difference.
Barbara Grosh says
We’ve had this discussion in our house many times. One of my family members does the random bringing up stuff and our daughter, who has problems with anxiety, really yells at him about how harmful it is to let it invade our lives at any moment. I strongly agree with her and you.
Also, I was surprised to discover that in one of my local va’ads, I have an ardent supporter of our president. We’ve talked about him on a couple of occasions and it totally baffles me how she thinks the way she does. But she’s working very hard for social change in our community and she’s making new discoveries every day with Rabbi David Jaffe’s book. It seems very unproductive to engage in snarky hate-mongering at random, given that I now see it would drive me away from her and others like her who have very good hearts and are willing to work for concrete things in our community that help people. I don’t know if I’ll ever understand the lens from which she sees the world, but I’m sure it wouldn’t happen through snarkiness. So I’m really trying to refrain and usually succeed.
Greg Marcus says
Hi Barbara
Thanks so much for sharing your story. It is a great example why we want to stay in relationship with people who support the President, especially when we agree with them in other areas.
Aron says
Thank you for yoouf wise words, Greg. When we descend into triggering each other we are not in dialogue. Are we even human? Yes, but not mindful.
Greg Marcus says
Hi Aron – Great way to put it. When are triggered we are in the grip of the Evil Inclination. As it says in the Talmud “He who yields to anger is as if he worshiped idolatry”
When we worship idols, we throw out the rules of moral conduct.
Barbara Holtzman says
Even harder to deal with are those people who bring up Trump in a conversation to denigrate someone else (usually Clinton or Obama) and who insist on having you agree with them. I have had to [finally] say, “if we can’t change the subject, I’m going to have to talk to you some other time.”
It is very difficult not to hate. I don’t need anyone enticing me to do it.
Greg Marcus says
well said Barbara
Karla Solomon says
Thank you.
Greg Marcus says
You are very welcome Karla!