American Mussar

21st century Jewish spiritual practice for an authentic and meaningful life

Cherish Your Non-Jewish Partner This Rosh Hashanah

By Leave a Comment

cherish your non-jewish partner this rosh hashanah
Mussar helps us treat our loved ones with the sweetness they deserve

In 2004 Rabbi Janet Marder at Congregation Beth Am in Los Altos sent shockwaves through the Jewish world by blessing the non-Jewish spouses who were members of the congregation on Yom Kippur. The message was clear: Cherish your non-Jewish partner.

Rabbi Marder said, “What we want to thank you for today is your decision to cast your lot with the Jewish people by becoming part of this congregation, and the love and support you give to your Jewish partner.” You can read the entire blessing here.

The blessing took place a few years before my family joined that congregation, and people were still talking about it. At the time, my wife was not Jewish and we picked Beth Am because the website was covered with welcoming messages, and our makeup is diverse – interfaith, same sex, intercultural marriages abound. We felt comfortable and welcomed. But it didn’t mean that there weren’t issues, issues that I was insensitive to.

I now understand how much I took my wife’s decision to embrace raising a Jewish family for granted. When I went back and read the blessing today, the following passage really struck me. “You come to services, even when it feels strange and confusing at first. You hum along to those Hebrew songs, and some of you even learn to read that difficult language.”

As I have written before, I am uncomfortable when people use Hebrew phrases that I don’t know. How much more difficult it must be for people who did not grow up Jewish. I’ll be honest, I didn’t really put it together, I did not put myself in her shoes.

Rabbi Marder’s blessing from 13 years ago also reminds me how Mussar can help strengthen relationships, by helping us recognize and cherish the differences in the other. To be clear, I think it is particularly important to cherish the differences, because despite those differences, our partner chooses to be with us.

Mussar, particularly American Mussar, offers an opportunity offers intermarried couples an opportunity to share Jewish values in everyday life without needing to know Hebrew or traditional ritual practice. Being a good person is the essence of being Jewish, and Mussar offers a roadmap to bring our everyday actions into alignment with our aspirational values. Here are three soul traits that can help us cherish our non-Jewish partner.

Honor Rabbi Marder was demonstrating the Soul Trait of Honor, in that she was going out of her way to Honor the Divine spark in others, when they are different from us. We can practice Honor by asking our partner how they are doing, and if they are uncomfortable or struggling with any part of the Rosh Hashanah experience. Work to make them feel more comfortable.

Gratitude – I did not sufficiently appreciate my wife for agreeing to raise a Jewish family. Take my advice, say thank you, and go out of your way to show your Gratitude by being sensitive and inclusive. The person you are with wants to be included, and understandably may be struggling. As Rabbi Marder said, “We know that some of you have paid a significant price for the generous decision you made to raise Jewish children. You have made a painful sacrifice, giving up the joy of sharing your own spiritual beliefs and passing your own religious traditions down to your kids. I hope your children and your spouse tell you often how wonderful you are, and that their love and gratitude, and our love and gratitude, will be some compensation, and will bring you joy.”

Order – Don’t just assume that your non-Jewish partner has to do all the child care or food preparation. When the kids were little, I often left it to my wife to take them out so I didn’t have to miss any of the service. Offer them an opportunity to participate in services and take your turn bringing the kids outside if they start to act up. And do some planning, to find an activity that the whole family can do together. For example, after services, plan to get together with a large group of friends.

Moses said, “I place before you today a blessing and a curse.” (Deuteronomy 11:26). This is a choice we all have every day. The reality is that you have someone in your life who care about you, but is really different. It might be an intermarriage, but there are other ways to be different. You might both be Jewish, but one of you is apathetic or unenthusiastic. Or you may share the same religion, but one of you is a vegan, or god forbid, a Trump supporter.

You can choose to ignore the differences, and allow them to be a source of conflict or pain. Or, you can choose to make them a blessing, and go out of your way to connect despite your differences.

On Rosh Hashanah, we are given an opportunity to really look at those relationships, to make amends for our mistakes, and decide to do better in the future.

Want to start your own Mussar journey? Click here to take the free Soul Trait Profile Quiz now

Image Credit: Rosh Hashanah by Lilach Daniel via Flickr CC

How To Carry A Box Like A Mensch

By Leave a Comment

Was it haughtiness of spirit to put this box on a stranger’s car?

In the last post, How To Dress Like a Mensch, I wrote about “haughtiness of the spirit.” As you may recall, I was teased by a friend for wearing shorts to a board meeting. A few days later, I read “He who walks in the marketplace with his shoes unlaced is among those who are of haughty spirit.” It made me realize that I displayed a “haughty spirit” by not dressing respectfully.” Not the end of the world, but also not behavior for one who aspires to be more like a mensch.

This week I was yelled at for putting a large cardboard box on top of a stranger’s car in a parking lot. “Its just a cardboard box with a pillow in it,” I said. “It won’t hurt anything.”

“You are rude and inconsiderate,” the man answered. He walked off after that. Although I was taken aback, and really didn’t think I had done anything wrong, I gave it more thought in the context of a haughty spirit. Maybe “He who places a cardboard box on someone else’s car in a parking lot” displays haughtiness of spirit.

I wasn’t sure, so I created a poll on the American Mussar Facebook page. The results were definitive, 11 to 4 in favor of haughtiness. The comments were particularly enlightening.

One person wrote, “As a fairly introverted person, I am very protective of my personal space…including my car.” The soul trait of Humility is all about occupying the right amount of space, as Alan Morinis wrote in Everyday Holiness “ Occupy a rightful space, neither too much nor too little.” It looks like I had occupied too much space.

Another person wrote that my action was “not respectful nor considerate.” This is a violation of the soul trait of Honor, which teaches us to focus on the Divine Spark of others. I was insufficiently respectful of other people.

I even brought this example up with my study partner. We discussed it for 15 minutes. It is a great example of a Mussar choice point, a true grey area. It wasn’t like I dumped a soda on the car, which would be obviously rude. Nor was it bumping the car as I opened the door, which would have been trivial. We decided to give Enthusiasm props to the person who called me out, for “running to do good” to defend his friend’s car.

Fundamentally though, this is about the Soul Trait of Order.

In that spirit, I invite you to try a Mussar practice

****Here’s the Mussar Practice***

Be mindful of where you put things down. When you put things down, think about whose space it is. Is it a common space at work or home? It is someone else’s space? Is it where the thing goes, or are you just throwing it anywhere? Have you put the dish on your coffee table, where it will live for the next two days, or did you take the time to bring it to the kitchen and clean it? Are the clothes just thrown on the floor at night, or did you put them in the laundry?

And you may be on the other end of the spectrum of Order – are you creating anxiety for yourself by being too controlling about how things should proceed?

***********************************

Remember, each one of us has what it takes to be a Mensch, a person of outstanding character. Mussar teaches us how to become more like a Mensch by taking small, mindful actions in everyday life. Where we put things is part of that process.

In the Mussar classic Cheshbon Ha’Nefesh, Rabbi Menachem Mendel Lefin wrote, “All your actions and possessions should be orderly – each and every one in a set place and set time. Let your thoughts always be free to deal with that which lies ahead of you.”

By practicing Order in this way, we can make sure that we are not impinging on another’s space. At the same time, if we become too focused on Order, we can be making others conform to overly rigid preferences, in effect taking up too much space.

Making mindful choices about where you put things opens the door to balance and healing in order, and other soul traits like Humility and Honor.

Give this practice a try, and come back and let us know how it goes.

Want to know where you need more work to be more like a mensch? Take the Soul Trait Quiz.

How To Dress Like a Mensch

By 5 Comments

mensch
Rabbi Finkel and his well dressed Yeshiva students. See the Mussar practice below inspired by their example

A few weeks ago, I was arriving at my synagogue for a board meeting. One of my fellow board members looked at my shorts and sneakers, and said “Greg, you look like you rolled in from the beach.” I didn’t think too much of it at the time, but I did notice that everyone else in the meeting was dressed business casual.

Then yesterday, when I was preparing to lead a Torah Study in a few weeks, I opened The Book of Legends, (a great compendium of the Talmud), and my eyes fell on this passage

He who walks in the marketplace with his shoes unlaced is among those who are of haughty spirit. He who walks with his cloak thrown over his shoulder or his cap tilted back or sits crosslegged or holds the straps of the tefillin in his hands and throws them behind him while walking in the marketplace – he is among those who are of haughty spirit. – Derrik Eretz Rabbah chapter 11, The Book Of Legends p 711:241

Not How a Mensch Would Act

Arrogance was my fatal flaw in the corporate world. And as I thought back to that board meeting, I decided not to bother to get changed. I thought to myself “They know me. What difference does it make anyway? I am really tired, and have had a rough week.”

Looking back on it, I am reminded of a passage in the medieval Mussar masterpiece Orchot Tzadikim (The Ways of the Righteous).  about a man who uses every excuse in the world not to get out of bed, starting with “There is a lion in the street.” Spoiler: there was no lion in the street and he knew that. And I know that dressing appropriately is a sign of respect for the institution and my fellow board members. It was a failure of Enthusiasm, and of Humility. Enthusiasm, because I gave in to laziness, and Humility because I was arrogant for acting as if I did not need to follow the conventions of others.

Mussar is a practice of personal elevation, and how we dress is an important part of the journey. Rabbi Nosson Tzvi Finkel, the Alter of Slobodka, emphasized immaculate dress as a way of honoring the Divine within. He didn’t want his students wearing tattered clothing like the stereotype of a starving yeshiva student. Check out how dapper his students look in this picture above, which dates from the 20s in the British Mandate of Palestine.

You don’t need to be a Rabbi or psychiatrist to know that dressing well is part of healthy self esteem. Here is a Mussar Practice that we can take from this lesson.

****Here’s the Mussar Practice***

Be mindful of what you are wearing. Before you get dressed, think about the day to come. Is what you are going to wear respectful and appropriate to the people you are going to see. Will you be honoring the greatness within yourself? Are you dressing blandly because you don’t feel good about yourself?

At the same time, ask yourself if you are using your look or dress to try to overcome a hollow place within. In his book Everyday Holiness, Alan Morinis shared the story of one of his students who realized that she always dressed in bright colors and sat in the front row because of her insecurities. When she went to a meeting in beige and sat in the back, it helped her connect with others better. And she turned her focus from her dress towards building self-love. (EH p 47).

When we dress like a Mensch, we are comfortable in our shoes, respectful to the people we will be with, and look good.

***********************************

Remember – each and every one of has what it takes to be a Mensch, a person of outstanding character. In the grand scheme of things, what it a big deal that I wore shorts to a Board Meeting? Not really. But it is a good opportunity for growth on the path of the Mensch.

Making mindful choices about how you dress can open the door to balance and healing in the Humility and other soul traits.

Want to try Mussar in community?

Sign up for the Personal Transformation High Holidays Mussar Workshop

Meet These Super Inclusive Orthodox Rabbis

By Leave a Comment


This week I watched one of the most loving and connecting Torah study videos I have ever seen. It is a conversation between Rabbi Shmuly Yanklowitz and Rabbi Uri Topolosky. They are two liberal Orthodox Rabbis who are focusing on Religious plurality. There are Mussar lessons for all of us who wish to be more inclusive.

The key to religious plurality is a healthy dose of balance across multiple soul traits. And it stems from What Rabbi Uri calls The Torah of Uncertainty. Here are Five Mussar Practice Lessons I gleaned from the video.

  1. The Torah of Uncertainty comes from the first of the Ten Commandments, which reads “I am the Lord your God.” The Hebrew word for “I” is unusual in this case, and includes an extra letter that introduces uncertainty. The lesson for us is to remember that only the Divine One knows everything. When we practice the soul trait of Truth (EMET) we cannot be too certain.  We need to leave room for the perspective of others.
  2. When we practice Awe of the Divine, we need to stay to the middle way. We should not be so uncertain that we believe that anything goes. At the same time, we need to be mindful that we can’t be so certain of our view of what the Divine wants or teaches.  Rather, we need to be mindful of our own path. Late in video, they return to this idea in a wonderful conversation about the burning bush. As you may recall, Moses sees a bush that burns but is not consumed. Rav Shmuly relates that we don’t want to have no fire, and equally we don’t want to be so on fire with a zeal for the Divine that we burn  burn everyone around us. This is a Mussar practice  of we can enbrace – to act with a fire that does not consume us.
  3. Rabbi Uri shared a Midrash (story) about crossing the Red Sea (8:30). When the waters parted, there were 12 paths that split in the sea, one for each of the 12 tribes. This suggests there are multiple paths to the same destination. Moreover, the Midrash teaches there were windows in the walls. When you walk your path, recognize that others are walking a path that is different but equally valid as yours. This reminds us to practice Honor (Kavod), to respect the ideas of others.
  4. Rabbi Uri shared a personal story of a time when he was leading an Orthodox service on Rosh Hashanah in a chapel of a Reform synagogue after their space was destroyed by Hurricane Katrina. . During a silent moment of the Orthodox service, the woman Cantor hit a high note in the Reform service. While his first reaction was “This isn’t proper for an Orthodox service,” the smiles of everyone in the room reminded him that they all felt grateful for the love in the Reform Jewish community for giving them a space of their own. When we are less certain of our Truth, we are more open to the Mussar practice of Gratitude.
  5. This beautiful teaching closes talking about learning from everyone, and the practice of Hitlamdut.  “an attitude of engaged curiosity and openness to learning throughout our lives.”  The less certain we are of what we know, the more we will be able to learn from others. This is the essence of Mussar practice.

Ben Zoma said, “What is wise? One who learns from anyone.” (Pirkei Avot 4:1). While it may not be a stretch to learn from a Rabbi, it is an absolute pleasure to learn from Rabbi Shmuly Yanklowitz and Rabbi Uri Topolosky. I can say with certainty that this lesson of the Torah of Uncertainty will stay with me for a long time.

How does the Torah of Uncertainty apply in your life? Which Mussar Practice resonates with you? Please share below.

 

How I Beat Overwhelm With Jewish Wisdom

By 10 Comments

Beat Overwhelm With Jewish Wisdom
Rabbi Sarah Weissman, my friend and mentor

This year of living distractedly continues for me. Lots of moving parts in my life, from mom’s health issues, travel, and prepping to launch a kiddo to college. My mind is filled with so many ideas, but I have been blocked about putting fingers to keys. The sense of overwhelm keeps coming in, and my mind  flits around and nothing gets done. And no, I don’t count the updates on Facebook, or the articles in the Forward/Tablet that I read online.

One source of joy and stability for me has been Jewish events and networking. Three days at the Limmud Bay Area Festival 2018 were just wonderful. I facilitated a session called Jewish Wisdom For Stress Free Parenting. It was magical – about 14 people that included an Orthodox woman nursing an 8 month old, 2 twenty something brothers without kids, a mom and her teen son, grandparents, fathers.

Having us all come together and share something was anything but overwhelming – it was peaceful. I am very grateful to my friend Estee Solomon Gray for both introducing me to Limmud, and all of the work she put in over the years to make the event successful.

Last weekend my wife and I went to the Beth Am Asilomar Retreat. It was a wonderful weekend of Jewish learning and Jewish community. I had a revelation while Rabbi Sarah Weissman was teaching us Talmud: Many people say that I am a very good facilitator.  I realized that when I am facilitating, I am channeling Rabbi Sarah’s method – there is never a wrong answer, no matter how “out there” a comment might seem at first glance. She infuses enthusiasm, creativity, and insight in the groups she facilitates, and we all walk away feeling empowered. I thanked Rabbi Sarah, and we had a nice chat. In those moments of conversation, I was anything but overwhelmed.

This experience inspired me to share a Mussar Practice. With it, you too can beat overwhelm with Jewish Wisdom.

****Here’s the Practice****

Speak in the name of someone. Pirkei Avot 6:6 lists 48 ways of acquiring Torah. One is “Saying a thing in the name of one who said it.”  Or put another way, give credit where credit is due. This practice reminds us not take for granted the good things in the world. They often have an origin, and in fact a person who brought them about. It also is a way to remind us that we did not get where we are on our own. Recognizing those who taught us, even small things, is a path towards both connection and order in the universe.

Take a few moments to think about some of your “go to moves” that make you successful. Who did you learn them from? Find a way to thank that person, and name them to others. For example, be sure to let people know whose recipe you are using, or who taught you the technique that helped you solve a problem at work.

************************

In each of the stories I shared above, connecting with others was a path out of overwhelm. And what better way to connect with others than to recognize a teacher? In Pirkei Avot 1:6, Yehoshua ben Perachia says, “Make for yourself a mentor, acquire for yourself a friend and judge every person as meritorious.”

Speaking in the name of your teacher is a step on the path for friendship and mentorship. And if your teacher is no longer alive, you make their memory a blessing by invoking their name with what they taught you.

Please begin this practice by sharing the name of a teacher below, and what they taught you.