Mussar Practice Archives - Page 3 of 9

Let The High Holidays Disrupt Your Life For Good

September 27, 2017 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

Last week at Rosh Hashanah services, I met someone who was freaking out about missing work. “I have so much to do. I can’t believe I am here.” I gave her some lame advice, and later kicked myself for not just being sympathetic, and supportive. I freak out about work in my own way. I just think about it all the time. But ever since I was a kid, I’ve internalized that no matter what, I don’t work on the High Holidays. It has become part of the routine for me to disrupt my life, to just stop and look within. The trick is to find a way to let the High Holidays disrupt your life for Good.

The High Holidays are designed to disrupt your life. I live in Silicon Valley. Disruption is the goal. If you aren’t familiar with the lingo, Uber disrupted the taxi industry, and Apple disrupted the music industry. Here the taxi industry was just sailing along, and suddenly they are clobbered by this online monster that lets regular people drive other people whenever they want in their own cars. The status quo doesn’t like it, but we don’t makes leaps forward without disrupting what is. Disruption is all about non-incremental change.

The High Holidays can be merely a disruption of our routine, an inconvenience that gets in the way of rushing around. Or the High Holidays can Disrupt your life. You can take advantage of this opportunity to look within, and try to find out what causes you to miss the mark. In Judaism, sin means to miss the mark. When we do wrong, if we frame it as missing the mark, we have an opportunity to get it right next time. Do we just sail along, and make the same mistakes year after year? Or, do we disrupt ourselves and move forward?

Rabbi Alan Lew talks about the path to disruption in chapter 7 of his book This is Real And You Are Completely Unprepared. He wrote, “Spiritual deadness is a habit. Something in us want to be dead- wants to escape our reality-and we’ve expressed this desire in a hundred little patterns and habits.” I so relate to this idea. As I’ve shared before, I spent many years as a zombie, nearly working myself to death.

As a solution, Lew points to the teaching of the medieval Mussar Kabbalist Rabbi Moshe Cordovero, who advocates that we change our eating or clothing for a week, to shake things up and bring change. Of course, we don’t need to invent a time to disrupt our eating habits. We have Yom Kippur. Spending a day without food or water will change your perspective. You’ll see something different.

The question is, what will you do the day after Yom Kippur? Is that a time to just go back to the same old habits, or will you take action to make a change? As someone who is on the American Mussar website, I know you have an interest in changing.

I know change is hard, especially with all that life throws at us. The beauty of Mussar is that we focus on the small and ordinary. We make small changes in everyday living. We practice Mussar all year for this moment – now let the High Holidays disrupt your life.

If you want to look within and find those things that cause you to miss the mark every year, take the Soul Trait Profile Quiz. Have you taken the Soul Trait Quiz? Why not take it again?

15 Minutes of Gratitude Could Change Your Life

September 27, 2017 By Greg Marcus 4 Comments

So how was 5777? (This was the Jewish Year that ended at Sundown on September 20th, 2017). Was it a good or bad year? How can you tell? For most people, I suspect 5777 had both the good and the bad. Sometimes there were overwhelming moments of joy or sadness that can color our perception of the whole year. Overall, I feel like 5777 was a pretty good year for me, despite many things going on in the world that are pretty sucky. I decided to stop trying to fit the year on a scale from good to bad, and instead do a Mussar Gratitude practice. Gratitude could change your life.

Will you join me in taking the 15 minute Gratitude challenge? Carve out 15 minutes for yourself, and sit with a journal or a piece of paper. Start a timer, and write down everything in your life that you are grateful for. I did this a few minutes ago, and it was absolutely transformative. Before I started, I reviewed some key teachings about Gratitude that helped me a great deal.

Mussar teaches that Gratitude is the ability to recognize the good in any situation, and to give thanks. Thus, we are enjoined to be grateful for both good and bad things that happen to us. The latter can be a challenge. For example, when we are in shock over unexpectedly losing our job, and the mortgage payment is coming due, it may be hard to feel grateful. With the fullness of time we may end up with a better job, or being home may allow us to reconnect with our friends and family. Thus, in the moment, we can be grateful that we have an opportunity to spend our time doing other things. In addition, Mussar teaches us to be grateful for inanimate things. For example, right now I am Grateful to the nice lazy boy that supports me in comfort as I write to you. Not only that, I nap regularly in this chair with a cat on my lap.

In the 11th century Mussar classic Duties of the Heart, Rabbi ibn Paquda teaches that there are three things that keep us from being grateful.

We become too occupied with material things. For example, we want the very latest iPhone, and forget how useful the version we already have is.
We take things for granted. Here, we fail to recognize the bounty of everyday blessings, like a comfortable bed, a safe neighborhood, and being alive.
We focus on the negative. We tend to focus on mistakes people make, and the small hurts we receive from loved ones, and don’t notice the positives they do for us.

Before you start, write the three barriers to gratitude at the top of your paper. Then write down the three categories of things we should be grateful for. As a reminder they are:

Good things
Bad things (by finding the good in them)
Inanimate things

Then, start the clock and write your list of things to be grateful for. As you are working on your list, try to overcome each of the objections, and remember to write down things in each of the categories to be grateful for. Don’t stop writing until the timer reaches 15 minutes. Some people find it very hard to write for the entire time. Frankly, this is what I expected to happen to me.

In contrast, I was quite amazed to discover that at 15 minutes, I wasn’t done. I kept writing for another ten minutes! In those final minutes, I started to feel a sense of calm, peace, and fulfillment. I was amazed, because prior the the exercise I was feeling a bit restless and fretful. When I was done, I was filled with energy and confidence. I still feel the residue of the experience a day later.

So has that changed my life? Heck Yah! Even had I only felt those positive feelings for part of a day, that in itself is life changing. Yes, making your today better is life changing. And I have the opportunity to keep making my today better each and every day. Beyond that, I know that I filled almost four pages in my journal of things to be grateful for. When I have such abundance in my life, it is hard to worry about the small things. And when I suffer a setback, I know that I have a wealth of things to be grateful for in other areas, to give me strength and help me through.

So, do you agree that 15 minutes of Gratitude could change your life?

Will you join me? Comment below me and let me know how it goes.

Sincerely,

Greg

PS I am very Grateful to you for being a part of this community. I wish you all the best for 5778.

Ready to start your own Mussar journey? Take the Soul Trait Profile Quiz now.

An earlier version of this post was published in January 2016

The Divine Hand In Hurricanes – A Mussar Lesson

September 8, 2017 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

Divine Order: Climate scientists predicted bigger storms. Now we have them.

I am convinced we are seeing the hand of the Divine hand in hurricanes like Harvey and Irma. Not the cartoonish, fire and brimstone retribution that some evangelicals are pronouncing. Rather, the Divine is being realized through natural laws that were put in place during creation. Science predicted stronger hurricanes if carbon levels continued to rise. Carbon levels are higher, and we are seeing stronger hurricanes. If you are unsure of the Divinity, I suspect that you believe in the laws of nature. As practitioners of Mussar, we are faced with the question of what soul traits are in play for us, and how we should act. Read on to learn the answers.

The False Choice Between Spirituality and Science.

I get asked all the time how a scientist like myself can get caught up in spirituality. People who ask that question either don’t understand science, don’t understand spirituality, or don’t understand either. In my experience 90% of people, even the so called experts in science and spirituality, fall into the third category. It is one thing to be a technician of science, or a technician of spiritual teachings. It is quite another to understand the why. Both science and spirituality delve into mystery, to understand how things work, and how seemingly different things are connected. The science fiction writer Arthur Clark once said “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” The same holds for quantum entanglement. Science doesn’t need to explain everything in order for us to believe in it, and spiritual faith is big enough to allow two things to be equally true that may on the surface seem contradictory. The Mussar Classic Strive For Truth gets its name from the quest to understand the Truth of the world, which is taught to us by Torah. And the Truth here is that we are seeing the hand of the Divine in climate change.

Physical Laws Were Created by the Divine

In the book Worldmask, Rabbi Akiva Tatz wrote : “The world is exquisitely ordered: the very fact that it can be studied mathematically and scientifically results from this order. If the world parallels its spiritual root, and we wish to understand that root, we must study the order inherent in the world.” We can see this spiritual root in the story of creation in the book of Genesis. First there was darkness over the waters. Then there was light. Then there was a separation between air and water. Next dry land, followed by animal and plant life. And then Man. The Torah teaches that God created each of these in turn, and in so doing created the laws of nature. If you are not sure of the Divinity, you can look at the story metaphorically and come to the same answer: Today we have laws of nature. They are inflexible.

In science, what we do is we look at data, and then create models to explain what we are seeing. The model makes predictions about what will happen. This is exactly what we are seeing with climate change. For example, In 1987, Kerry Emanuel published a paper called The dependence of hurricane intensity on climate in the journal Nature, which is the top science journal in the world. It predicted that more CO2 in the atmosphere will lead to more destructive hurricanes.

Prediction: More CO2 leads to more destructive storms.

Look at the graph to the right. CO2 levels have gone up since 1987.

Reality: We have more CO2 in the air, and Irma set records for wind speed.

The data is supporting the model of climate change.

When Will These Idiots Learn That Global Warming is Real?

A friend of mine asked that question on their Facebook wall today with a link to an article about the hurricanes. I answered in a harsh way. I said, “They will learn when we start treating them with the respect they are due as human beings, and stop shaming and judging them.” Sociologist Brene Brown teaches that if you shame people by calling them names, they will just get defensive and dig their heels in. Mussar teaches the same thing. If you insult someone, it activates the Evil Inclination, which we know lives in the amygdala. People who are angry or upset literally cannot thing logically. So your chance of convincing someone to change their mind when you upset them is literally zero. You might bully them into changing their behavior. But changing their heart, changing their mind? No way.

In the 2000s I was talking with a stranger on a plane about Al Gore’s movie “An Inconvenient Truth.” She didn’t believe in climate change. I told her I was a scientist and why I thought it was true. She then rather sheepishly admitted that she didn’t believe it was true because she didn’t like Al Gore’s politics. The was pre-mussar, but I had the sense to ask her to look past the messenger. She shook her head. Most people can’t look past the messenger. Going back to our point above, what kind of messenger are you?

Mussar has guidance for us.

Mussar’s Path To Healing

The solution to climate change is not in the air, it is in the heart. At long as we treat each other as animals, we are destined for destruction. Hurricanes Harvey and Irma are literally undoing the work of creation. Water, air, and land are no longer separate. Where there was human, animal, and plant life, we see death. Where we assisted in the act of creation, the Divine hand brings discussion.

To heal the planet, we first need to heal our relationship with the people who disagree with us. A first step is to moderate our speech, which is governed by the soul trait of Silence. As it says in the Bible, The words of the wise are heard [when spoken] softly (Ecclesiastes 9:17). See this post for ideas on how to promote healing on the internet. Don’t shame or insult people because they support politicians who claim to not believe in climate change. Talk to them about the data. Ask them what they feel. Be curious. Listen to their perspective. Ask questions. Maintain your Equanimity.

While we are waiting for everyone’s heart to open, each of us can work to reduce our personal carbon footprint. Ask yourself this: If you believe in climate change, what have you done to fight it? Mussar suggests that we start with leading by example. In our home, we have solar power, and lease an electric car.

If you’d like to take action, click here for 25 suggestions on how to reduce your carbon footprint.

Cherish Your Non-Jewish Partner This Rosh Hashanah

September 6, 2017 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

In 2004 Rabbi Janet Marder at Congregation Beth Am in Los Altos sent shockwaves through the Jewish world by blessing the non-Jewish spouses who were members of the congregation on Yom Kippur. The message was clear: Cherish your non-Jewish partner.

Rabbi Marder said, “What we want to thank you for today is your decision to cast your lot with the Jewish people by becoming part of this congregation, and the love and support you give to your Jewish partner.” You can read the entire blessing here.

The blessing took place a few years before my family joined that congregation, and people were still talking about it. At the time, my wife was not Jewish and we picked Beth Am because the website was covered with welcoming messages, and our makeup is diverse – interfaith, same sex, intercultural marriages abound. We felt comfortable and welcomed. But it didn’t mean that there weren’t issues, issues that I was insensitive to.

I now understand how much I took my wife’s decision to embrace raising a Jewish family for granted. When I went back and read the blessing today, the following passage really struck me. “You come to services, even when it feels strange and confusing at first. You hum along to those Hebrew songs, and some of you even learn to read that difficult language.”

As I have written before, I am uncomfortable when people use Hebrew phrases that I don’t know. How much more difficult it must be for people who did not grow up Jewish. I’ll be honest, I didn’t really put it together, I did not put myself in her shoes.

Rabbi Marder’s blessing from 13 years ago also reminds me how Mussar can help strengthen relationships, by helping us recognize and cherish the differences in the other. To be clear, I think it is particularly important to cherish the differences, because despite those differences, our partner chooses to be with us.

Mussar, particularly American Mussar, offers an opportunity offers intermarried couples an opportunity to share Jewish values in everyday life without needing to know Hebrew or traditional ritual practice. Being a good person is the essence of being Jewish, and Mussar offers a roadmap to bring our everyday actions into alignment with our aspirational values. Here are three soul traits that can help us cherish our non-Jewish partner.

Honor Rabbi Marder was demonstrating the Soul Trait of Honor, in that she was going out of her way to Honor the Divine spark in others, when they are different from us. We can practice Honor by asking our partner how they are doing, and if they are uncomfortable or struggling with any part of the Rosh Hashanah experience. Work to make them feel more comfortable.

Gratitude – I did not sufficiently appreciate my wife for agreeing to raise a Jewish family. Take my advice, say thank you, and go out of your way to show your Gratitude by being sensitive and inclusive. The person you are with wants to be included, and understandably may be struggling. As Rabbi Marder said, “We know that some of you have paid a significant price for the generous decision you made to raise Jewish children. You have made a painful sacrifice, giving up the joy of sharing your own spiritual beliefs and passing your own religious traditions down to your kids. I hope your children and your spouse tell you often how wonderful you are, and that their love and gratitude, and our love and gratitude, will be some compensation, and will bring you joy.”

Order – Don’t just assume that your non-Jewish partner has to do all the child care or food preparation. When the kids were little, I often left it to my wife to take them out so I didn’t have to miss any of the service. Offer them an opportunity to participate in services and take your turn bringing the kids outside if they start to act up. And do some planning, to find an activity that the whole family can do together. For example, after services, plan to get together with a large group of friends.

Moses said, “I place before you today a blessing and a curse.” (Deuteronomy 11:26). This is a choice we all have every day. The reality is that you have someone in your life who care about you, but is really different. It might be an intermarriage, but there are other ways to be different. You might both be Jewish, but one of you is apathetic or unenthusiastic. Or you may share the same religion, but one of you is a vegan, or god forbid, a Trump supporter.

You can choose to ignore the differences, and allow them to be a source of conflict or pain. Or, you can choose to make them a blessing, and go out of your way to connect despite your differences.

On Rosh Hashanah, we are given an opportunity to really look at those relationships, to make amends for our mistakes, and decide to do better in the future.

Want to start your own Mussar journey? Click here to take the free Soul Trait Profile Quiz now

Image Credit: Rosh Hashanah by Lilach Daniel via Flickr CC

Mussar Practice For Work Life Balance

August 11, 2017 By Greg Marcus Leave a Comment

It is no secret that I am a recovering workaholic. At my low point, I worked 90 hours a week, which was destroying my health, relationships, and my career. I brought balance to my life, but it took me a long time. Mussar helped me understand the root cause of my overwork. Here, I’ll share with you a mussar practice for work life balance.

Lets be clear: Work itself is not the issue. Pirkei Avot teaches us to “Love work” [1:10]. After all, the covenant gave us six days to work, and one day to rest (Avos D’Rebbi Nosson 11:1). The Talmud, too, teaches that labor is honorable, even in the house of study [Babylonian Talmud Nedarim 49b]. According to Rabbi Chaim David Halevy, “Work is sacred—it is building and creating a partnership with God in the work of creation” [Aseh L’cha Rav 2:6].

As practitioners of Mussar, we find the spiritual in everyday activities. Yes, our job is to assist God in the work of creation. (Or if you are unsure of the Divinity, think of it as helping the Universe.) Yet at the same time, our mission is to repair the world, to repair ourselves, and to elevate our spirit to a higher place. Excessive work—the true issue—is inherently unbalanced because it takes away from these other sacred obligations.

Think of your own life – when you are working too much, there isn’t enough time for sleep, friends, family, or fun. An excessive workload brings the soul trait of Moderation out of balance. To establish a Mussar practice for work life balance, we must first recognize the arguments we use to justify our excess.

Three Common Arguments That Rationalize Overwork

Fear: Some people blame their employer for “forcing them to work all the time.” For example, they are afraid that they will be fired if they do not promptly respond to email.
Love: Others work all the time out of a sense of mission and devotion. For example, many rabbis flirt with burnout because they love the congregation and service to God.
Happiness. People in this category say, “Yes, I work all the time, but it makes me happy. What’s wrong with that?”

Each of these rationalizations points to a soul trait out of balance. For example, feelings of happiness and love of the mission can mask the pursuit of Honor. The workplace is filled with opportunities to acquire Honor, from a pat on the head to a plaque for being employee of the month. I once saw someone recognized at a company meeting for canceling a family vacation to visit a customer. He glowed with pride, and was happy. I doubt his wife and kids were.

Attachment to work is emotional. Mussar teaches that a strong emotion cannot be changed simply by resolving to change. Similarly, an unbalanced life is not going to change by resolving to work fewer hours. Rather, we must passionately choose to walk on the middle path. Remember, we are presented with choice points (tests) every day. The key is to devise a strategy to pass the tests when they come up. See this post for more on choice points.

I have found that saying no to work was not helpful because my attachment to work was too strong. In addition, too many messages from my employer pushed me to work more. But, when I decided to prioritize my health and my family with passion, my work hours started to drop rapidly.

The key to work-life balance, like all Mussar practice, is to start where you are and take one small step towards balance. We need to cut back little by little, by saying Yes to things that are more important than work. For example, I chose to stop working at 9 pm in order to have time to wind down and sleep well. Then I stopped working at 8 to have more time with my wife, and then at 7 to have more time with my kids. Within a year, I had cut my hours by a third without changing jobs, and no one in the office even noticed! Yet my family life became a joy, and my health improved rapidly. And my career improved as well, in part because I was no longer a strung-out, exhausted wreck!

Three Soul Traits To Help You Establish a Mussar Practice For Work Life Balance

Enthusiasm. Excess work may indicate excess Enthusiasm for the wrong things. Rather than trying to work less, refocus Enthusiasm. Make health, family, and/or community a higher priority. Work is still important, but is it as important as your health? Of course not.
Trust. Attachment to work is emotional, and change can be laced with fear. Invest in trusting that God has your back, and that whatever happens, you will be ok. If you are unsure about the Divinity, remember that most things turn out ok. Make a few small, exploratory steps to build confidence and overcome the fear.
Order. Strictly rank your work projects, and focus on the top three. Get your manager to agree to the order, and agree that the other things are a lower priority. Next, do not accept any meetings or last minute requests that are not part of the top three. Offer kind alternatives – 5 minutes on the phone instead of a 30 minute meeting, or offer to meet the following week.

What soul trait would you practice to bring better balance to your life?

Want to learn more about yourself? Click Here to take the Soul Trait Profile Quiz to see which Soul Traits might be contributing to your overwork.

An earlier version of this post called Through a Mussar Lens: Striving for Balance was published in Yashar on MARCH 2015. Click here to see it.